A Somewhat Comprehensive History of Time

A (somewhat) Comprehensive History of Time
The most digestible account of history yet!
Info
Location	Throughout Antarctica
Rewards	Nothing drastic happens The balance of power is maintained
Progression
Saviors from Above

A (somewhat) Comprehensive History of Time is the chronicle of an epic journey through time and space by Bro, Penquino, Chill57181 and LMGT to stop Future-Bro and his hench-puffle Pheonix II from destroying Antarctic history as we know it.

Prologue: Eviction Notice

Future-Bro and Pheonix II were working deep in the mountains of Club Penguin, at the headquarters of the Brohailian Army.

Future-Bro: "This new theory of irrelevancy will win me a Noble Prize for sure!"

Pheonix: "Don't you mean the Theory of Relativity?"

Future-Bro: "Don't rain on my genius, puffle! I almost have this thing solved."

"Now, I multiply X to the power of negative zero, then multiply it by y to the power of x all multiplied by a square root of negative six, divided by negative zero. Now just to punch it in."

Future-Bro put the calculation into the calculator. After loading for a few minutes, which was unusual in itself, it came up with the answer Error 9001 before shorting out and sending sparks flying.

Future-Bro: "DAG-NABBIT!"

Pheonix: "I think you broke math."

Future-Bro: "I'd like to see you do better. At least I'm the one with experience in calculating-"

CRASH!

Future-Bro: "What was that!?!"

Things started crashing throughout the lair, and pounding sounds could be heard coming from the rock above, before a large chunk of the ceiling gave way and a bunch of secret agents fell through.

Agent 1: "FREEZE! FUTURE-BRO, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!"

Pheonix: "Aww come on, we were just getting started!"

Agent 2: "FLIPPERS UP, PUFFLE!"

Pheonix: "..."

Future-Bro: "No time for semantics Pheonix, it's the EPF and they're here to get us! Run!"

Agent 1: "Hey! Stop there! We're not members of the EPF!"

Future-Bro: "Then what are you?"

Agent 1: "We're members of the Snowinian Informative Service, the best-trained and most elite spy agency in Antarctica!"

Future-Bro: "Why are you here, though? Snowiny isn't relevant enough for us to attack, and this is the EPF's jurisdiction."

Agent 1: "The EPF has had to make budget cuts so they sent us in. It's a long story, really..."

Agent 2: "THEY'RE GETTING AWAY, YOU IDIOT! Get your guns and open fire!"

Agent 1: "Oh, right."

Both agents pulled out special ice-bullet guns with silencers on the end and opened fire.

click click click

Agent 2: "We're not out of ammo, are we?"

Agent 1: "We're outta ammo."

Agent 2: "You idiot! Why did we even hire you!?"

Agent 1: "I promised to work for minimum wage."

Agent 2: "Well, let's try to catch them! That old guy and a puffle can't be too fast."

The two agents ran through the cavernous lair that Future-Bro had constructed, trying to catch the evil genius maniac and his intrepid partner. Future-Bro and Pheonix were about to reach the exit, before the rock ceiling in front of them collapsed and created an impasse.

Pheonix: "Maybe you should have hired that contractor after all."

Suddenly, the other part of the ceiling started to shake, and a large circle of rock fell to the floor and shattered. Three EPF agents descended from the hole with fully-loaded guns.

EPF Agent 1: "Future-Bro and Pheonix II, you are under arrest for... a very long list of crimes which is irrelevant right now but the point is YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTERS!"

EPF Agent 2: "You two are going away for a loonng time."

Snowinian Agent 1: "Hey! We had them first!"

Snowinian Agent 2: "You guys weren't even supposed to be here, this is our mission!"

EPF Agent 1: "Do you really think we'd trust you guys?"

Snowinian Agent 1: "Oh... I suppose not..."

---

After much banter between the two groups of agents, Future-Bro and Pheonix II were taken to a makeshift EPF prison in the forest of Club Penguin, not far from the Dock.

Future-Bro: "Not much of a prison, I'd say."

Pheonix: "It's build out of wood and there' just one guard over there with a rifle."

Future-Bro: "Hey guard, can we go?"

Guard: "No."

Future-Bro: "Pretty please?"

Guard: "No."

Future-Bro: "Pretty please with my dead antibody on top?"

Guard: "No."

Pheonix: "Yes."

Guard: "No."

Pheonix: "Yes."

Guard: "Yes."

The guard came over and let Future-Bro and Pheonix out of the wooden cell. Pheonix jumped up and bit the guard in the face, and Future-Bro took the gun. They both ran.

Future-Bro: "How did you manage to do that?"

Pheonix: "No idea."

The two evil partners made their way quickly to the dock, where they jumped on the Hydro Hopper boat, and zoomed away.

Hydro-Hopper Driver: "Hey! Come back here! That boat costs 5000 coins to rent!"

---

Future-Bro and Pheonix were soon sailing far off the shores of Club Penguin, trying to reach Shiverpool, where they were hoping to set up their new base. However, their path was very dangerous.

Future-Bro: "This seaway is full of junk!"

Pheonix: "Yeah, where did all the buoys and icebergs come from?"

Unfortunately, Future-Bro and his friend were poorly prepared for the Antarctic sea (seriously, they're trying to cross a stretch of ocean on a 2005 speedboat). Not far out of Club Penguin, they ran out of gas and got stranded.

Future-Bro: "NUTS! What are we gonna do now?"

Pheonix: "Maybe you should have thought about gas before jumping Club Penguin."

Future-Bro: "You're missing the point. Besides, we'll get hungry if we stay out here for too long!"

Pheonix: "I have an idea."

Pheonix went into his Hammerspace and pulled out a giant fishing net, and cast it into the ocean. After a few minutes, they finally got a bite. It was none other than a dead shark, floating in the water.

Future-Bro: "How can you always carry around a fishing net?"

Pheonix: "Physics."

Future-Bro: "Do you happen to have something useful like, I dunno, GASOLINE in there?"

Pheonix: "Nope."

Future-Bro: "Well why the heck not?"

Pheonix: "It doesn't work like that."

Future-Bro: "Then we need to cook this shark somehow. Do we have any matches around here?"

Pheonix: "Why?"

Future-Bro: "So I can light you on fire."

Pheonix: "WHAT?!?"

Future-Bro: "I thought Black Puffles were naturally flammable."

Pheonix: "No! I need O-Berries to ignite!"

Future-Bro: "Do you happen to have any of those, then?"

Pheonix: "Yes."

Pheonix went into Hammerspace again, pulled out a few O-Berries, and ate them. He ignited into a flaming red fireball, and then started furiously zipping around the shark's corpse, radiating heat, until he calmed down a few minutes later.

Pheonix: "Bon appetit."

---

After multiple hours of floating at sea (and somehow remaining uncaptured by the Antarctic Navy), Future-Bro and Pheonix's boat washed up on the shores of the Antarctic Peninsula. It was night now, and they could see very faint lights in the distance.

Pheonix: "Hey, master, wake up!"

Future-Bro: "Ugh... what time is it?"

Pheonix: "You've been in a coma for two years and we've finally washed ashore. I've been here for a couple days, but I need you to drive us to Shiverpool."

Future-Bro: "Shiverpool? That'll take forever!"

Pheonix: "Not anymore. They've abolished speed limits in the USA; we can get there in a few hours if we go fast enough."

Future-Bro: "Alright then, let's get on the road!"

Of course, Pheonix was lying. The duo got off the boat and made their way up the beach, onto a highway not close by. They were able to stop a car heading in the opposite direction. They threw the driver out; Future-Bro and Pheonix got in and drove away. Pheonix was snickering uncontrollably.

Future-Bro: "Why is everyone else driving so slowly still? And why are there still speed limit signs?"

Pheonix: "The Antarctic government has pretty much collapsed, and most of these drivers have yet to get accustomed to high speed."

Future-Bro: "Sucks for them. WEE-HOO!!!"

After a few more minutes of driving, Future-Bro could hear the sirens of police cars in the distance, and could see the flashing lights in his rear-view mirror. Pheonix, instead of giving up the shtick, decided to dig himself deeper in the hole.

Pheonix: "The police forces of Antarctica have largely gone rogue since Spike Hike was assassinated. Just try to outrun them."

Future-Bro: "Will do!"

Future-Bro hammered on the gas as fast as it would go, prompting even more police cars to be called to the chase. After another hour of evading the cops, they had reached the city of Shiverpool. It would be too late to slow down or stop now, so Pheonix gave the obvious cue:

"TUCK AND ROLL!"

Future-Bro engaged the cruise control before both him and his sidekick jumped out of the passenger-side door, off the freeway, and into the bushes. The car sped ahead before colliding with a concrete barrier wall.

---

Jumping out of a high-speed car had naturally damaged Future-Bro even further. He soon awoke, still in the bushes, again with Pheonix by his side.

Future-Bro: "Ugh... what happened? I remember a car chase, and jumping off the highway, and rogue cops..."

Pheonix: "What? You must have been dreaming. But anyhow, we're in Shiverpool now, and the EPF is still in hot pursuit! We have to get going!"

With that, the evil duo hopped out of the bushes, and (naturally) made their way downtown as to fashion an escape. After a few hours of running and trekking, they had made it to the harbor.

Future-Bro: "The port! Of course - we can hop on a boat and escape!"

Pheonix: "Brilliant deduction."

Future-Bro and Pheonix made their way down the pier, searching for a boat that they could easily sneak onto.

Future-Bro: "What about that one? It has a pool and a shooting range and everything!"

Pheonix: "It looks like it'd pretty hard to get on. Let's keep look-"

"YOU TWO THERE! FREEZE! PUT YOUR FLIPPERS UP! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!"

Pheonix: "..."

Future-Bro and Pheonix turned around to see a bunch of police officers and EPF agents with guns pointed towards them.

Pheonix: "RUN!!!"

They made a hasty run for it. The head agent shouted "FIRE!", and bullets started flying everywhere; Future-Bro and Pheonix were only running in a straight line, but nevertheless they weren't getting hit.

EPF Agent: "These guys are good! They're evading our precision aim and firepower!"

Police Officer: "AFTER THEM!"

The agents and police officers started to pursue the two villains, but Future-Bro and Pheonix were already far ahead. Oddly enough, down the pier there was a naval auction which was taking place; many old boats and vessels were being sold. On the current roster, there was an old derelict barge. Despite the large crowd in attendance, there were no interested bidders.

Auctioneer: "Here's a wonderful vessel, none other than a 1917 barge from the late Good-for-only-20-years Barge Company™! The bidding will start at ten thousand fish!"

Crowd: "..."

Auctioneer:"AndHereWeGoForOnlyTenThousandFishTenThousandFishPrimeDealComeGetItTodayLimitedTimeOfferTenThousandFishSevenThousandFiveHundredFishOnceInALifetimeOfferSevenThousandFiveHundredFish
GetItTodayYouWillNotRegretIt!.."

Crowd: "..."

After a little while, Future-Bro and Pheonix reached the exhibit and by this time, the auctioneer was getting desperate.

Auctioneer:"CmonIt'sAReallyGoodDealI'llTakeAnythingJustPleaseBidForSomethingISwearThisItemStillHasQuality!"

Crowd: "..."

Future-Bro: "I'll buy it for a buck!"

Auctioneer: "THEREWEGOWeHaveOneFishOneFishOneFishNowWeHaveABiddingWarAnyoneElseInterestedIt'sGoingGoingGoingANNNND... SOLD! For a buck!"

Future-Bro and Pheonix ran onto the barge, tossed the auctioneer a coin, and cut the mooring ropes, sending the barge floating out into the sea.

Pheonix: "SEE YA, SUCKERS!"

Both of them gave rude gestures to the crowd and the now amassing group of police officers and EPF agents as the barge violently got picked up in the ocean current and faded over the horizon.

Chapter One: Diplomacy

To be continued!