Absurd Donuts

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Absurd Donuts, Inc.
Type Public
Industry Food & beverage (confectionery)
Founded 2008
Headquarters Near Ulaansnowtar, Pengolia
Area served USA (incl. Dorkugal), Freezeland, Auzua Mostafique
Key people That's the problem; no one knows!
Revenue USP; 1.2 million (2010)
Operating income USP; 0.25 million (2010)
Net income USP; 1.4 million (2010)
Employees 100,000 (why that many?)
Website http://www.absurddonuts.co.pn


Absurd Donuts Inc.,, or Absurd Donuts (the franchise name), is a food and beverage company that sells... donuts. Yes, donuts. It is meant to be a rival to Happy Day Donuts, probably in protest of the harsh treatment towards Koobly Khan, who disapproved of his own restaurant. Started in late 2008, Absurd Donuts grew to be a multinational coooperation, although its profits are generally low.

It is also known for it's back-door management, whom no one knows and cares. Theories range from claims that Absurd Donuts was set up by those who were in favour/mock of Koobly's rule, or to study social and economical relationships, in which Koobly was the subject. Some went as far to say that something much more sinister is going on, possibly with the involvement of outer-world groups or scheming cooperations.

Background[edit]

It all began when a small little donut shop near Ulaansnowtar appeared sometime in late 2008. At the time, Pengolia was criticized for having a monopoly over the food & beverage industry of the entire Antarctica, although companies such as McDoodles and EFF prove it wrong. No one knows if this is related or not, but the coincidence remains.

The shop and company were named "Absurd Donuts", and, to this day, no one knows why. Many have debated on the subject, if it was to test reverse psychology on penguins or to simply compare itself to it's rival, Happy Day Donuts. Soon, more and more branches of Absurd Donuts started appearing, first in Pengolia, then in Eastshield and The Happyface State, eventually spreading to Dorkugal, Trans-Antarctica, and even Freezeland.

The company has made several public statements, although the spokesperson would always wear an intimidating mask and speak in an unfamiliar accent. Otherwise, most of Absurd Donuts's actions are natural, sometimes even clever.

That's all we know.

Branches[edit]

As of 2011, there are 80 branches.

  • Dorkugal (10) - The branches are located around the 71st floor. Strangely, the Dorkugese franchisees are called by different names for each branch, such as Bill Gates' Donut Emporium or Donuts of Khan.
  • East Pengolia (1) - For some strange reason, they have a branch in the city of Fishwow, East Pengolia's capital city.

Operations[edit]

It seems as if all is well in the stores of Absurd Donuts - you choose your donut, get it all packed up, and pay for it. It seems pretty simple, but not many are aware of the management's doings within...

Management[edit]

The management of Absurd Donuts is particularly unknown. Absurd Donuts is a public company, so anyone could buy and sell shares. Whoever has the largest percentage of stocks practically owns the company, and gets to be on the Board of Directors and join in on the management. Strangely, however, a whooping 75% of Absurd Donuts' stocks are owned by an unknown company known as Threefold Lies. Threefold Lies has no background in purchasing stocks whatsoever, and was formed only a day before it purchased the stocks.

What's more, the management wear intimidating masks and speak in unfamiliar accents. They rarely make public statements, and they specialise in co-operate secrecy, letting no one leak their upcoming plans. Strange for a company that sells donuts, unlike a billion-dollar cooperation like Peach, but that's the rules they imposed.

Manufacturing[edit]

The recipe for the donuts is unknown. On the packaging, it claims it is made of "wholemeal flour" with "delicious icing", along with the included ingredients. No one knows where the donuts are made, or how they were made. No one cares about it either, that's cooperate secrecy. But a recent string of food poisoning incidents have brought up the attention of conspiracy theorists and foodies around Antarctica.

The first food poisoning incidents were merely improper handling by a Pengolian branch near Itsy Bitsy Tiny Micro Town. Soon after, though, several who ate the donuts started hallucinating, mostly about Pengolian affairs. Studies into the donuts proved inconclusive, and when looking through company records, there was no mention of a factory or outlet where they produced the products.

A math geek has pointed out that the diameter of the donut was always approximately 6.66cm. The flour it used was also not available in any of Antarctica's leading flour producers.

Marketing[edit]

An interesting aspect about Absurd Donuts is its slogans. Notable examples include "You'll Eat Them in Thirteen Bites Guaranteed!" and "A Delight to the Brain". When tested, 92 of the 100 penguins who ate Absurd Donuts ate it in exactly thirteen bites. The latter slogan may contain subliminal messages, proving the hallucinations from the donuts could be real.

The only television advert to come out was only showed once on television. Strangely, it was the logo of Absurd Donuts in front of a spiral. It aired at 3am on the Penguin Network.

See Also[edit]