Bad, Bad, Cream Cheese Bagel

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“Welcome back to the Doctor Layer Show!” boomed a laptop. Dr. Layer appeared onscreen, with his usual bandana snapped over his beak. He was standing in front of an odd-looking portal, with a half-eaten bagel in flipper. “Today, we will talk about time travel, which doesn’t hold a CANDLE to bagels. Any questions from the audience?”

The audience microphone \fell in front of a small, forest green penguin’s beak. “Um, hi. My mom makes me eat Rockhopper Crunchies every morning, and I HATE IT! HATE IT! Can I go back in time and prevent the cereal from being invented?” the little chick asked.

“Why of course you can, little girl!” The bagel-obsessed scientist nodded and gestured towards a screen, which showed an old video of Rockhopper. “As you can see, Rockhopper invented a tasteless cereal that could last years on the high seas without spoiling. He marketed it to the bargain-hunting consumer...but if we add a distraction, oh, say, a wild puffle on his ship, we can keep him from being inspired to invent the cheap product!”

The audience applauded.

Dr. Layer took an overdramatic bow, then gave a serious look into the camera. “But be careful, because anybody willing to modify time is a complete and utter idiot!” He turned around, yanked off the bandana, and nibbled the bagel with his back turned to the camera. “All of history happens for a reason, and only extremely advanced geniuses, even beyond my own brilliance, can EVER operate a time machine correctly! Ever heard of the Ughdinogrublavatiki tribe? CHESTER DID AND HE KILLED THEM ALL. WITH FIRE.”

Meanwhile, at the Slugster-Meltissimo residence, Agent Meltie and Phineas34720 were watching Dr. Layer's show with anticipation. Agent gave a wicked grin and gestured towards something covered by a black tarp. “Okay, time to unveil the new invention!”

Phineas nodded and pulled the tarp off to reveal a portal, which looked just like the one they had seen on the show. “So, what are we going to do with this portal?” Phineas asked. He pulled a cream-cheese bagel out of his pocket and bit into it casually. Suddenly, Agent Meltie got an idea. She would do something horrible to her dear sister's past, and it involved bagels. Lots and lots of bagels.

“We are going to throw cream cheese bagels into Rocket’s past to RUIN IT!” Agent tossed her head back and unleashed an evil cackle. She snatched the half-eaten bagel from her brother's grips and shoved the entire thing in her mouth, swallowed it without chewing, and typed information into a keypad. “Okay, if this works, we’ll take the machine into the past. That was the original plan, after all.”

Phineas frowned. “But what about the bagels?”

Instead of replying to her obnoxious brother, Agent pulled him down a hallway.

"Where are we going?" he asked, his flipper limp under his sister's grasp.

Rih stopped at a large, robotic-like device at the end of the hall. “This is a search-and-destroy…” Agent started.

Phineas, being obnoxious on purpose, squealed, “WHAT IS IT?!”

“A search-and-destroy..”


“A search-and-destroy machine. Oh my goodness.” Rih slapped her flipper against her forehead. She pulled a remote out of her red combat boot and revved up the machine. A horrible sound came from the machine, and a gear fell off. Agent shrugged. “Let me fix it.”

A few hours later, the machine was up and running. She began typing again on the keypad. “Now, to unleash intolerable pain!” The bagels went through the portal, but exploded once they got there. Phineas looked up from his comic book and said, “Oh, I see. It’s too big.”

Agent shot him the death glare. "More bagels.” Agent pointed to a jar of bagels on a shelf. Phineas reached up on the shelf and grabbed the jar of bagels. Unscrewing the cap like a water bottle, Phineas and Agent Meltie released thousands of cream cheese bagels into the space-time continuum. The less-than-reluctant slave grinned, as the last bagel fell in front of his shoe, and so did a dollop of cream cheese. The rest of the bagels...were gone.