Billy Mays' Funeral

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Billy Mays' Funeral
Updated RIP Billy Mays.png
I am about to cry... WAH!
Background information
Participants Billy Mays, citizens of the USA and the rest of Antarctica
Date June 28, 2009
Location USA


Billy Mays' Funeral in Reality! Note the human pallbearers.

Billy May's Funeral was an event that payed tribute to the famous advertiser Billy Mays who had died in June 2009. It was a very sad event, and most found it to be the most horrible thing ever to happen in 2009, even worse then the Great Darktonian Pie War!

The event[edit]

"Get the oxygen tanks ready, get the stretcher out, get anything!" Yelled the Doctor. "We have a patient who needs immediate medical attention."


It was all so sudden. Just yesterday the famous advertiser Billy Mays had returned to the USA from his vacation to Dorkugal, and now he was feeling horrible. The Doctors were busy trying to find what was wrong, but they couldn't find anything.


"I-I need to get back t-to get back to m-my studio," said Billy, trying to sound as he usually did.


"Don't be crazy Billy. You need medical attention right now."


The Human was put in the stretcher that had a red siren placed onto it. Quickly they rushed him to the emergency room where the Doctors would begin the X-Rays. Inside the room was none other than G.


"I-I thought you w-were a scientist?" Asked Billy.


"I studied medics while I was at a Dorkugese University. But that's not important now. What is important is that we need to get these X-Rays done. You'll need to stay still though."


Very weakly Billy gave the thumbs up showing he was ready.


"QUICKLY, are there any more medics out there?" G shouted.


Soon after, Doctor Norton von Symatec and Doctor Atik McAfee, with Doctor Residence in tow, surrounded the advertising legend.


"Okay, what have we here?"


Residence took one look at the human and concluded. "Brain damage. Something from the plane hit him on the noggin. Death by luggage, seen it eleven times."


Everyone looked at the pessimist, but he was right. They had to do something to save his brain and his heart from going out all together.


They gathered around Mays as he fell asleep by surgical methods.




Outside the hospital there were many penguins waiting for the results. They couldn't believe that their favorite advertiser was now very sick. Professor Shroomsky however was the most worried.


"I just hope he'll be okay. He's helped us so much in the past so we have to help him now."


"I'm just wondering how he became sick in the first place?" Asked Blizzard.


Just then a Ninja Sword came swooping past and hit one of the pillars. Everybody looked back to see Speeddasher walking through the crowd.


"Well whoever did it would be smart not to show their face here today, or they might not get it back."


Hat Pop placed her flipper on Speed's shoulder only to be knocked aside. Everyone was shocked and Speed looked ashamed. Hat Pop got up, however, and walked back towards him.


"Speed, why do you always have to resort to violence? We're all sad for Billy Mays, but you mustn't keep this up."


"I know that. I just can't stand a friend dieing. It's happened already."


Tails6000 walked up and waved to his buddy.


"That was over 90 years ago Speed. Besides we don't even know if anyone gave Billy Mays a sickness, or if he's even sick."


Speed got angry again and grabbed his Ninja Sword back.


"Well I wouldn't be surprised if that idiot who sells the ShamOMG! did this. He might be an ASSASSIN."


Everyone slapped their foreheads with their flippers. Tails rolled his eyes.


"We all hate that guy, but do you honestly believe he's smart enough to give Billy a disease?"


Just then a tomato came flying by and hit the wall.


"Oh who cares about that stupid advertiser," said a voice. "All his products are shams."


Everyone looked to see Lobelia Sackville holding a bag of tomatoes in one flipper, and a slingshot it the other.


"HEY THAT'S MINE! "Yelled Tails."


"Well I just stole it. I honestly don't care about Billy. It's about time someone put that human in his place."


Speeddasher growled and held his Ninja Sword up high.


"How about I put a scum like you in your place!"


Speed ran towards Lobelia with his sword, but Hat Pop held him back.


"Don't do it Speed. She's not worth it."


There was a flash of green light and a TSSEEWWWW and Kwiksilver appeared with Sprocket, panting and holding a bottle labeled "Cow Dimension Smarter Milk.


"I just-pant-heard Billy-pant-Mays-pant-was taken-pant-to the hospital. I-pant-came as fast as I could!"


Ninjinian came flying in his private ski-boat. "What did I miss? I've came all the way from UnitedTerra. I got a call about that something's just happened to Billy!"


"Yes, Ninjinian -." said Hat Pop, then stopped as the doors of the hospital opened.


G walked out with the other doctors, all who were frowning. Everyone turned to face them, and G started speaking.


"I'm afraid I have some bad news. Perhaps it's best if you come in here and have Billy tell you himself."




"WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Yelled Shroomsky. He nearly fainted in agonizing misery. Turtleheimer came to comfort him.


"D-don't be sad fungus," said Billy Mays. "I've lived a long, and good life. Meeting you all had to be the best thing th-that ever happened to me."


It had just been announced. Billy Mays, the one who had helped during the Pie War, was now dying. Everyone wished there was something they could do, but it was allready announced, and he didn't have much time left to live. Speeddasher then walked up to the front of the crowd and pulled out his Ninja Sword.


"Tell me who gave you this sickness. I slice them in half!"


Hat Pop held Speeddasher back and quickly grabbed his sword before he could hit anyone with it. Billy Mays then started to talk again.


"No one gave me any sickness Penguin. I was badly injured on the plane, and that's why I'm here."


Speed looked sad, but then had and idea. Quickly he pulled out one of his feathers and handed it to G.


"I was created over 90 years ago by Harold Aye-Que using Dark Power which made me immortal. If you give some of it to Billy Mays it should cure him."


G shook his head though and handed it back.


"It could only work on a penguin Speed. I'm sorry to dissapoint you."


Speed realized G was right and stepped back. Billy Mays then called out quietly to all the penguins. It was very quiet, but everyone heard it and stepped forward.


"I-I want you all to know that I'm happy I got to know you all. You're some of the best friendss I ever had. Please don't be sad, you never know what'll happen in the future."


Everyone nodded and just then Tails walked towards Billy. He put something down next to him and placed it in the human's hand.


"It's an artificial Destruction Gem. I found it inside Metal Explorer when I put him offline. I want you to have it."


Billy Mays smiled and gave the thumbs up sign. Then everyone started handing over presents. Speed handed over his sword, Hat Pop, handed over a pair of Bunny Ears, Ninjinian gave away his rare addition of Tops Tower & his original bandanna, and others gave even more.


"At this rate I'll need a bigger grave," Billy joked trying to make the penguins happy.


Just then Billy started coughing and everyone knew what was happening. G checked his pulse, and saw it was slowing down.


"B-beofre I go. T-tell Vince that I h-hate him."


With that Billy took his last breath, and his pulse stopped. The legendary advertiser was dead. Everyone started to cry because now a great friend had been lost. Even Lobelia cried a bit, along with Mabel. It was a very, very sad day.




Bells rang at PBJT Valley, the sky was overcast. The P.O.P.E., as well as Shroomsky and most of Antarctica, believed they should give Mays the best possible funeral. Everyone who knew him, from monarchs to Betas to commoners, stood in a line that stretched for miles. Everyone donned black, most crying, mourning, or otherwise standing silently. Mays was to be transported, then buried, at a site prepared in the Centriepistula especially for him.


Professor Shroomsky (dressed as AIA Headmaster), Explorer 767 (with crown), King Triskelle (in full monarch regilia), Luce (in battle tunic), and Captain Str00del (in bowtie) served as pallbearers, carrying the coffin down the line, as everyone took off their hats in respect. Kwiksilver even took off his beanie, revealing his crop of brown messy hair. The flag of the USA sat over it, military-style. After about a mile, they loaded the casket into a hearse, which was actually a converted big-rig truck that had carried Billy May's products. The vehicle started up, with Luce as the driver, and everyone began to follow the vehicle. It would be a long road to the See, but for Billy Mays, everyoned did it.


Down the vehicle traveled, over war-torn sites from the Pie War, passing abandoned tanks and weapons used, as well as bottles of OxyClean and OxyPie, among other Mays products scattered among the battleground. Leaving the Valley, the hearse turned and followed the road that the side of Good took to South Pole City. The gates were opened there, polished with OxyClean and Kaboom in his honor, where everyone began cheering for Mays. Confetti was strewn across the metropolis as the casket was turned and brought down the main street of the city. HP soldiers stood poised in front, and fired clothing and Oxypies in respect as the hearse passed. An Oxypie landed on Mabel as the procession walked through.


They stopped in the center of the city, where a large veil sat.


The P.O.P.E. and Explorer sood in front of the veil.


"In honor of the legendary Billy Mays, and in respect for all of his PWNage, we, the citizens of Antarctica, hereby bestow Billy Mays this statue." The P.O.P.E. concluded the short speech, and Explorer, activating his propeller hat, yanked off the veil revealing a solid gold, one hundred twenty foot statue of Billy Mays, which dwarfed the Giant Pen down the road. Everyone cheered again and continued walking. Midas fought his hardest not to go and tackle the statue.


They exited the city and headed down to the Centriepistula, which had a grave prepared for Billy Mays which would outmatch any other in or out of the See.

Result[edit]

After the funeral, Jaquan126 Goes to billy may's grave and Puts Billy May's Products over the flowers. Later, Penny went shopping and bought some flowers and a Billy May product. She kept the Billy May product to herself, but laid the flowers on that grave.

See also[edit]