Busted!

From Club Penguin Fanon Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search
The Evidence, Trial and Conviction of the Underground PWN Mafia
[[|240px]]
Who would have thought that the PWNers would ever get PWNed?!
Background information
Participants Professor Shroomsky, Bugzy, UPM, the Antarctic Investigation Authority
Date From April 4 to May 13, 2009
Location Various wiretapped UPM locations, court, etc.


"The Evidence, Trial and Conviction of the Underground PWN Mafia", also refrenced to as "Busted" by Noobs, is the collective title for the efforts and eventual success of Professor Shroomsky and the Antarctic Investigation Authority he founded. A major factor in the convictions was the GCPA (Grouped Criminal PWNage Act) law that passed through the council.




The event[edit]

Prologue[edit]

"NO! THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE!"


Tails6000 slammed his flipper on the SPC desk.


"I'm afraid so. I truly believe it is." Turtleheimer sighed.


"BUGZY IN A CRIME RING? That's impossible! Everyone knows he generates his funding from that casino behind our capital!"


Tails6000 stood up in a huff, stepping down from his desk and tripping all over his judicial robes. Mayor McFlapp laughed.


Carl Arnott interjected.


"Arr, ye can't believe it 'cause ye are a Bugzy fan."


The other members nodded.


"Vell? Vhy did vou bring it up, vurtle? Vhat's zee point?" Bolsheevic Penguinsky questioned.


"Well, Professor Shroomsky is VERY afraid of organized crime, such as STINC and the rumored Mafia, and he wants to bring a stop to it. I talked to the residents of Turtle Atoll, and they agreed because they didn't want crime there."


"Well," Governor Question Mark interrupeted, "it's technically impossible to nail a crime leader because they order their minions to do the dirty work while they get rich."


"He's right." Bezul Mostafique agreed.


"That's what I was getting at. Unlike some of the delegates here, I'm a professional lawyer. I drafted a bill last night that should answer it all."


Melvin ducked into his shell and came out with a piece of paper, which he hed in his mouth to show the others.


"Hey, doesn't that hurt?" the image of Shadow asked from his television screen broadcast.


"No, I'm a tortoise. I have a bit of room... anyway, I call this the Criminal PWNage Act, or CPA for short. Now, like any criminal or group, the rumored Bugzy Mafia probably does its share of racketeering, and-"


Penghis Khan raised his flipper.


"Yes, your Imperial PWNsomeness?"


"Penghis Khan does not understand what tennis has to do with this."


Fred laughed.


"No, Penghis, it's racketeering, like when a crime guy demands money from something to protect that something from their own attacks."


"Protection money, as you youth call it." Will Whitefoot added.


"Exactly! Now, the PSA usually attacks criminals as individuals, but they have never tried to get the WHOLE GROUP convicted at once! If we can gather enough evidence to prove a mafia exists, AND to prove that their leaders administer these evil deeds, we can PWN them."


"How?" Explorer asked.


"By actually recording them saying it, with things such as wiretapping and stalking and such. Professor Shroomsky wants to create a new espionage branch to do so. He also wants to lead it."


Tails6000 nervously interrupted the idea.


"Oooh, that's going to be hard. All we truly know about crime rings are from wiretaps, recordings and rumors. Bugzy once told me that 'if a policeman opens his mouth about it, he'll vanish. If a member of the group talks about it, he too will vanish. You'd have to be on the streets to know anything else abuot it.'"


The Great Snailzini agreed.

"Indeed. There was once this STINC soldier, Jone Penguin, I do believe, and he discovered some sort of crime operation, and before he could tell anyone about it... he was gone! Some say he's in a broom closet listening to polka. Others say he joined the group, but we never found out. It's like he vanished off the continent."


"Well, Tuh-tuh-heimuh, that's a mighty good idea. Risks aside, I've wunted to see some cruminals get caught. What do tha rest of ya think?"


Most of the delegates agreed.


"Then it's settuled!" Judge Xavier slammed his gavel. "Jonesworth will now explain the court minutes."


Everyone tried to respect the Judge's quirks (and not laugh) as they quietly looked at the doll-sized chair sitting on Xavier's desk.


"Okay. Jonesworth's done. Case dismissud!" Judge Xavier again slammed his gavel.


As the delegates filed out, no one noticed a shadowy figure watching outside.


"Boss, you won't believe what that turtle done."


"Surprise me." the voice at the other end responded.


"He passed a law that could nail us all."


Silence.


"Well, be on your guard then. We don't want no trouble from tha agents, now do we?"


"No way."



Chapter One: PSA Briefing[edit]

Turtleheimer took off his court regalia and crawled home to Professor Shroomsky, who was reading Conspiracy Theories for Conspiring Creatures, again.


"Professor! They passed the CPA bill! You have the green light for your new group!"


"That's marvelous, Mel-"


Shroomsky was interrupeted when the nearby television turned to static. A solid black sillouete appeared on the screen.


"The following information is classified. Fungus, reptile, your are the only creatures who are to hear this message. Lock your doors and turn off your lights, disconnect all cables and throw off your power switch. This is to be repeated to no one, and will only be said once."


Professor Shroomsky looked scared, but took out his infamous journal that he writes every sentence in. Turtleheimer threw the power switch and shut off everything in the house. He lit a candle and came back to the television.


"Before we begin, who exactly are you?"


"That is also classified. Let's just say I'm in the government. If you recall back when the temperatures blew through the roof, you probably rode in a white van with an insigna on it. That was our group. Since you seek to form a federal intelligence and/or espionage squad, you are forced to associate and align with us, the PSA."


"Wait, you mean the Printer's Sweepstakes Agency?"


"...Uh, no no, not at all! The Penguin Secret Agency, Professor. We are an espionage board run by Gary and me, along with a few others. Along with the Elitist core, we protect Club Penguin, Antarctica, and the rest of the nations from villainy, crime, and general rudeness and bad behavior. Now, follow the instructions I provide exactly. You are to head out to the igloo of Explorer 767. To the left, you should see a stone igloo with a cult-ish symbol on the door. That is your key. Approach the door, knock on it three times, and say "AH FLOWERPOT", their secret password. Enter in, accept their gifts, and tell them you didn't know what their purpose was. Inform them that you are an Internet repairman, and head to the back of the igloo. You should see a giant statue of Mabel and a computer nexst to it. Take the ethernet cable on the PC and plug it into the back of the Mabel statue. Type "QWERTYUIOP" On the keyboard and enter the secret entrance that appears. An agent will meet you there. Keep it a secret, and remember, be resourceful, be remarkable, be ready. This television will self destruct."


Turtleheimer tucked into his shell and Professor Shroomsky dove behind a sofa as the television explode. They proceeded to turn on their power and open the doors and such.


"You heard him, Professor, let's go!"


Go they did, they quickly headed to the MMK igloo where they knocked and gave the passowrd. The told the members (who were strangely burning an effigy of Explorer in the center of the igloo) that they were there to repair their ethernet (which the PSA sent a virus too for a convincing story), and were admitted after sigining a vow to secrecy. They followed the instructions the PSA gave them, and the next thing they knew, they were in a crawlspace leading to who-knows-where. After a while, they popped out of the tunnel, only to see a surprising figure...


"FREDSWORTH?!"


The golden-colored penguin glared. "DON'T CALL ME THAT! WHY I, oh wait... you're the ones I was sent to give this info to, aren't you?


They both nodded, surprised that the rather naughy relative was assisting the cause of Good. They always heard he was actually EVIL, unlike X, who was more gothic-ish and tried to be evil by joining Darktan. Nonetheless, F handed them an unopened manilla envelope and waddled off in a hurry. Opening the item, they discovered a certificate, two badges, a note, and a cell phone.



The note read: "Congratulations, Agent Shroomsky, new Headmaster of the Antarctic Intelligence Agency. The attached certificate proves your rank, as do the badges and cell phone, which I equipped with speed dial, a camera, and Internet Access. I also kept the scissors, wrench and comb, because you never know when you'll need a good comb... -(director symbol)"


Shroomsky nodded after reading the note and handed the badge to Melvin, himself attaching it to his coat. Where F once stood where various Secret Agent apparel, such as bowties, suits, sunglasses, etc. Shroomsky happily but on the black garment (it actally looked more like a black labcoat than anything) and bowtie, but they left the sunglasses and such where they were. Stashing the newfound gadgets in his inventory, Turtleheimr smiled at his best friend, each in knowledge of their newest adventure.


"Alrighty, Headmaster Shroomsky, where to first?"


"Um, well, I bet the Casino could provide some clues. You've been there before, Melvin?"


"...um, yes, Professor... I play Old Maid with G's Family every two months."


"OLD MAID? You know I love that game!


Shroomsky and Turtleheimer ran off and out of the alleyway where they had recived the items, bound for the Gambling Hall.




Chapter Two: Here Comes Miss Cottontale, Hopping Down the Mafia Trail[edit]

Turtleheimer and Professor Shroomsky stood outside the gray building. Above them was "Bugzy's Public Civillian Gambling Hall that is DEFINATELY Legal".


Professor Shroomsky took off his newly invented AIA uniform and swapped it with his usual apparel. Turtleheimer did the same, and they entered the structure.


It was dimly lit, a long sprawling space with dark green carpet and deep reddish walls. The tables were either wooden or cheap plastic, each baring a faded orange color as a surface. Rusted chandeliers, like the kind you'd buy from a flea market or yard sale, hung over each table to provide illumination for the merriment held below. The faint smell of pizza and cream soda wafted throughout the building.


Looking left and right, the Professor and Melvin started walking around. After a while, they decided to join in the activities and play a game. They exchanged some of their coins for Pwnez and proceeded to the nearest Simon Says station. Granting the Admission fee, they passed through the velvet ropes and stood with the other players. Turtleheimer was given a booster seat so that he could play fairly.


As the game was about to begin with eleven, a twelfth voice, a female one, rang out.


"WAIT, WAIT! I WANT TO PLAY TOO!"


A penguin waddled in and stood at the front, having paid the admission. Everyone could immediantly discern who the newcomer was. It's not too hard to tell when you are looking at giant rabbit ears.


"HAT POP?! What are you doing at a hole-in-the-wall assembly like this?"


Hat Pop turned around and waved.


"Hello Melvin, hello... Professor? I didn't know you liked gambling!"


Not wanting to blow his friend's cover, Turtleheimer intervened.


"I wanted him to come and play with me."


So the games began.


"Simon says shout 'Bugzy is neat'."


"BUGZY IS NEAT!"


"Good. Simon says to bet three more Pwnez."


The coins clanged to the floor.


"Now pick them up."


A Noob picked up the tokens.


"HA! DIDN'T SAY SIMON SAYS!"


The dealer delivered a sticking-tounge-out emote and gestured to the exit of the enclosure.


"Laugh at the loser."


No one laughed.


As the game proceeded, Shroomsky took oppurtunities like "Simon says jump" to approach Hat Pop. She was surprisingly good at this game; Turtleheimer and Shroomsky both theorized she was a frequent customer.


"Hat Pop... after this, I need to speak with you." Professor Shroomsky whispered while jumping.


"Why?" Hat Pop responded.


"It's important!"


"Okay!"



After the game ended, no one won! Simon actually got EVERYONE out when he said "all who are still in play, please come forward".


Hat Pop waddled over to Shroomsky, who was motioning her to hide in the nearby janitor closet, where no security cameras would catch them.


They all three scrunched in, where Shroomsky pulled out a flashlight.


"Hat Pop, your ears are on my shell, it tickles."


"Your shell can feel stuff, Melvin?" Hat Pop replied.


"Yes. We tortoises, and turtles I presume, can actually feel twigs brushing on our shells. Puffles aren't the only creatures who liked to be pet!"


"You know, that reminds me, Melvin... if you're cold blooded, how can you survive the Antarctic temperatures?"


"Excellent question, Miss Pop! You see, I-"


"Ahem, the matters at hand!"


Both silenced themselves.


Shroomsky showed Hat Pop his nifty badge and certificate, as well as a copy of the CPA law, and explained the whole Mafia incident.


"You're kidding! A crime ring? Here in South Pole City? Wait, why do you need me?"


"You're a Ninja, correct?" Turtleheimer started.


"Yes."


"That means you can turn invisible, right?" Shroomsky continued.


"Yep!"


"Okay. We're going to search this building for anything suspicious. If we find it, we'll need you to disappear and film what you see."


Shroomsky also gave Hat Pop an AIA badge, and with a quick sign of a contract, Hat Pop was now an official AIA Agent.


Shroomsky handed the newly drafted Hat Pop the camera. The three exited the closet, unseen. They walked down the broad casino space, looking for anything. It was then that they saw a gray door that said "Employees Only".


"I bet my bottom coin that the door is suspicious." Hat Pop whispered. With a quick clap of her flippers, everone's favorite rabbit ear wearing character vanished without a trace.


Hat Pop entered the hallway beyond the door. Everything was gray. The tiles were gray, the walls were gray, the ceiling was an off-white color, and those big office/school-grade flourescent lights gave a dreary artifical lighting to the area. The walls were completely blank. Hat Pop looked down the hall. It was an endless expanse of gray up to the corner where it turned left, and there was still more gray. Still invisible, she waddled down the corridor and through the halls until another gray door appeared, marked "DANGER: High Voltage". Since this hall was a one way area, and considering it was either turn back or go through the new door, Hat Pop waddled through. Another hallway awaited her, branching off into two pathways, a left and a right. Straight ahead was a vending machine. Hat Pop was hungry and had not eaten since breakfast (1:00 PM now), so she waddled up to the vending machine, and attempting to not blow her cover, looked at the array of snacks.


Hat Pop gasped. Instead of a array of snacks, there was but one kind on all six rows.


"Professor Shroomsky, are you seeing what I'm seeing?!" Hat Pop whispered nervously.


"Judgies." all three said at once.




"Professor, do you see what I see?"


"How can you not? There's a whole vending machine full of Judgies!" Turtleheimer responded.


Professor Shroomsky didn't even need to quote the penal code for the Judgy law. Owning one was illegal.


"Okay, you are definately on the right track."


Hat Pop faced left, then right. She went left, still invisible, making an attempt to be silent. She walked down the corridors and came to another room with no markings on it. She slowly opened the door, only to see a bunch of shifty characters gathered around a table in the center of a dark room. A bare lightbulb hung over the table, and she could easily make out the shimmering light coming off of gold. She slipped in and shut the door quietly, listening in on the shady characters.


"So, you all know why we're here, right?" a voice began.


"Yes." the others responded.


"Bring him here."


The group parted and laid a brown sack on the table. Dumping it out, a Dorkugese penguin could be seen. It was Midas Aurumen, and he was very scared.


"Professor, come in, come in!"


"What?


"They've kidnapped Midas!"


"O_O"


"It's true, can't you see the film?"


"Well, yes, but it won't be enough court evidence."


Hat Pop turned back to the table. A Waddle G was holding a spear to Midas' head.


"Do you know why we've brought you here, kid?"


"Is i-i-it-i-it because y-y-you want t-t-to be my m-my fr-friend?"


"No! We want your weapons, kid, your weapons."


"Mom s-says I'm not allowe to talk to strangers!"


"Mom's not here." one of the criminals chimed in.


"You'll never get away with kidnapping me! I'm on the city's council!"


"The legislature?!"


"No, the local city council. I'm their utilities manager."


"Really?"


"Yes sir. I helped design their power grid."


"Well, do you control the sewage construction too?"


"Yes sir... why?" Midas asked.


All of the gangsters smiled at the chick.


"Well, we want you to build something for us."


"Well, I can't just rewrite the sewage system because a few-"


Midas was poked in the stomach with a Waddle G's broom.


"We want you to build a 'sewage' tunnel from here to here."


"That's inefficiant! There's no use for a sewer line out to the shack you're pointing at! It's not even in the South Pole City limits! It's been abandoned for nine years!"


"You don't get it, do you kid? Build that tunnel form this casino to the shack."


"Why? It's non-practical- ow!"


Midas was poked with the broom again.


"IT'S PRACTICAL FOR US!" another mobster shouted. "IT HELPS US ESCAPE!"


Hat Pop perked up.


"Shroomsky, are you getting all of this?"


"Listen. You run the city council. With your say, they will build it. Now, we want you to assist us." the mobster stated.


"You're illegal!" Midas responed.


"Yes, but is this?"


One of the gangsters lifted a veil off the table, revealing seven ingots of solid gold.


"Oh... gosh...." Midas drifted off.


"Ah, I see that gold has gotten your attention. Now, what do you say about building that sewer?"


"Uh huhhhhhhhh......" Midas responded.


"Good penguin. Here's your gold. Sign this please."


Midas signed the permit allowing the "sewer" to be built.


"Okay, now get out of here."


A Mafia piccitio used a map to teleport Midas back home. Hat Pop gasped. All of the gangsters looked around the room, suddenly hearing the sound.


"It looks like someone's watching us..."


The Mafia surrounded Hat Pop and tied her to a chair, knocking off her earpiece. HP managed to stash the video camera in her inventory, however. Professor Shroomsky started speaking.


"Hat Pop, are you there?!"


No response.


"Miss Pop, come in!" Turtleheimer restated.


Nothing.


"Listen up, agents. We have your rabbit." a deep voice shouted over the ear piece. "You are to NEVER speak of this, or the rabbit is toast. You are to promise me right now you will keep this a secret, or we will find you, hunt you down, and punish you. Understood? Now, we don't want anything happeniing to your friends, family, or property, do we?"


"N-no-no sir." Turtleheimer responded.


"Exactly. We have your number, we have your credintials. If we find out your name, you will be punished. Mark my words: we will find you. You'll wish you never messed with us. Now, we're gonna teleport your rabbit to this address here, and you are to pick her up, and we go on our seperate ways. None of this ever happened, capieche?"


"Caphieche." Turtleheimer and Shroomsky responded.


"Good. Now, SCRAM!"


Hat Pop was teleported where the Mafia promised. Shroomsky rushed to her aid as soon as she appeared.


"Hat Pop, are you okay?! I'm so sorry we got you into that mess... you won't have to go through-"


Hat Pop interrupted.


"That... was... AWESOME!" Hat Pop squealed. It was really scary at first, but then, wow! When can we do it again? We have to stop them, Professor!"


Professor Shroomsky and Turtleheimer turned to each other.


"We can do it again very soon, but only if you're up to it. We'll need more agents too." Turtleheiemer stated.


Hat Pop nodded. She gave Melvin a hug. Everyone was glad they were alright.


"Guess what?" Hat Pop added. "I got the tape still..."


Everyone cheered with glee and headed home for the night.



Meanwhile, back at the Casino, all was not well. A Golden Waddle G picked up a radio and tuned in to it.


"Boss, we've been breached." the Waddle G stated.


"Double your security. New rule: nobody with rabbit ears are allowed in. Ban Hat Pop from all UPM locations, got it?"


"Yes boss."


They both hung up.


Chapter Three: MISS AURUMEN, PROFESSOR SHROOMSKY IS MAKING AN AGENCY![edit]

Professor Shroomsky and Hat Pop sat inside the Professor's house, in the basement. Zlo, in full uniform, was disscussing AIA and UPM matters when a knock on the door was heard. Shroomsky took off his uniform and stashed it away, heading toward the door. He opened it up only to see a peach colored penguin with red hair, panting and all excited.


"I'M LOOKING FOR- {pant pant} -TWO PENGUINS... whew...."


Professor Shroomsky offered the penguin to come in and sit down. After she stopped hyperventalating, she continued.


"I'm looking for two penguins."


"Oh... kay..." Hat Pop stated. "Can you please be more specific?"


"Well, one wears an orange and white striped robe, the other has green hair and is silent. You can't miss 'em."


"Midas and Herb?" Hat Pop asked. "Where did you see them last?"


"Well, they were building a cold fusion reactor the size of a house when I ran to tell Miss Aurumen."


Silence.


"Forget it. It always disappears anyway."


More silence. Professor Shroomsky took off his glasses and wiped them on his labcoat a few times, to make sure he wasn't hallucinating what he was hearing.


"Nonetheless, I was watching your discussion through the window and-"


"CANREN! You were stalking us?! That's not nice! ...in fact, it sure is creepy." Hat Pop was clearly annoyed and disturbed all at once.


"Well, I can be valuable to your team! I mean, it takes a lot to keep those boys in line and I'm really good at busting people!"


"Why would you have to keep them in line? Whenever I see them, they are under the same tree over and over. Sometimes, the whole neighborhood is there, too."


"DON'T BELIEVE IT! THOSE BOYS ARE EVIL! E-V-I-L B-O-Y-S!"


"No need to spell it, Canren." Hat Pop added.


"Anyway, I've always felt sympathy for you and would gladly clear your record by offering you a government job."


"So I can join the Antarctic Investigation Authority?"


"Sure!" Hat Pop smiled.


Professor Shroomsky shut the doors and locked the windows, taking out his favorite book, Conspiracy Theories for Conspiring Creatures. He asked Canren to place her flipper on the leather-bound first edition and recite an oath.


"I, Canren Prensus Sermunculi..."


"I, Canren Prensus Sermunculi..."


"Hereby solenmly swear, with the Fourth Goozack as my witness..."


"Hereby swear, with the Fou- ....wait, what? Fourth what? Did Midas and Herb build it?!"


"The Fourth Goozack." Professor Shroomsky trembled. "Is some all-mighty, all seeing wraith that controls you, me, and anything else in this world."


Canren blinked. She tossed back her hair and leaned forward again, as if she wanted to hear it again.


"...-and you think I'M CRAZY?"


"I'm telling you, Explorer is always doing something crazy, but no one-"


"Believes you? Heh, welcome to my world, Professor."


Shroomsky blinked. Was he as crazy as Canren for believing in the Fourth Goozack?! He shook himself and tried to dismiss the thought.


"Umm... okay, back to the oath. ...with the Fourth Goozack as my witness..."


"With the Fourth Goozack as my witness..."


"To stalk and ultimately PWN the villains of our world..."


"To stalk and ultimately PWN the villains of our world..."


"To uphold the forces of Good above all else..."


"To uphold the forces of Good above all else..."


"...-and to never betray the corporation of which I have solemny pledged my allegiance to as stated previously."


"...and to never betray the... err, pledged allegiance I gave to my previous corporation."


"Close enough! Welcome to the Antarctic Investigation Authority!"


Turtleheimer crawled over and handed Canren a certificate and phone, which she placed in her inventory.


"So, when do we bust the UPM?"


"Soon, very soon... we just need a plan."




By a street corner some Hammer Knights were guarding a small restaurant. Police officers passed all day not noticing the two little fellows. Not even the funny looking people entering the building.


Suddenly a cloaked figure walked up to the two guards.


"Professional hitman." he said. "Your boss asked for me".


"Password?" one the Hammer Knights asked.


"Alice's daughter is the hitman who needs to see the boss." whispered the hitman to the knights, not wanting anyone to here.


"Well done! Enter!" the other hammer knight said.


As he walked thorough he couldn't see anything which made it look like a hideout. He went down the hall and saw rows of bathrooms. There were doors for males, females, the handicapped, chicks, and then a staff room. He entered it and saw two doors. He went up to the one one the left and knocked four times.


"Enter!" a voice said.


The hitman walked through the door. A laptop was stood in front of him with a Doors Live Airways chat open. A headset stood in front of him and the hitman spoke through it. Although he could hear the voice, the boss didn't have a webcam.


"Professional Hitman, we need you to do us... a favor."


"Easy." the hitman said.


"No. This won't be easy. We don't know who, or what, we're targeting, we only know a minion. We're dealing with the AIA."


The hitman paused.


"AIA? Never heard of them."


"It's a new spy service. They're on our tail but from what I've heard they have no proper equipment... yet".


"AIA... okay. I have informants in your casino. They'll track them down".


"We need to remove the Judgies. They know we got it but we're also sitting on Ditto and other stuff."


"Okay. Who is this... minion you want ridded of?"


"Yeah. Hat Pop. Sysop in CPW. Associated with the AIA. Oh, and what's your name?"


"Never mind. Just call me Professional Hitman. What's your name?"


"Not telling. Good luck!"


The voice signed off. Professional Hitman left the pub and came across a small gang.


"Got a job for you".


"Yeah what you need?" the gang leader said.


"I need you to come with me to South Pole City." Professional Hitman said. "I got a job".


"Sick! Who's the target?"


"There isn't one, yet. We only know a goon and that it's a spy group."


The gang leader paused for a moment. There could be a reward. A big one. Especially if they can find out the rest of the agency. The gang leader made up his mind - quickly.


"Yeah bro I'll come with you." He and Pro Hit did a fist bump. They headed of to the train station. One of the gang members was stalling.


"Are you ok?" Pro Hit asked.


"Nothing! I'll catch you up!" the gang member replied.


As Pro Hit and the small gang turned at a corner the other gang member went on the mobile phone - the perfect disguise for a spy phone.


"This is Pro Hit's Mate to PSA Base A! Hat Pop has been a target for Professional Hitman, and the AIA is next!"


"Roger that! You are to go on the train, back to PSA Base A and we'll teleport you to Professor Shroomsky's house." a voice said.



Chapter Four: Squeals in the Night[edit]

Professor Shroomsky, Hat Pop, Canren, and Melvin were gathered in the Professor's home, all wearing their AIA badges and uniforms, if applicable.


"Okay, we need to gather evidence from all tiers of this Judgy-hoarding, geek-kidnapping, beetle-run syndicate. This means that, like Melvin said at the South Pole Council, we need to wiretap people and bug their rooms and their cars and their personal living quarters."


"Wow." Canren said, flatly.


"Wow indeed. Tommorrow, we head out into the downtown district of South Pole City and see what we can see. I'd request that everyone stay in my home tonight, so that we won't have to waste time meeting each other come dawn."


Everyone nodded. Professor Shroomsky went down to the garage where it was nice and damp. He had converted it into his bedroom when he moved in. Canren went into Melvin's room and stood in the corner, in her pajamas (penguins sleep standing up), while Hat Pop was content to stand by the fireplace, obviously not removing her rabbit ears. Melvin, being a tortoise, only needed an hour or so of sleep to sustain himself, so he sat by the fireplace with Hat Pop, reading a book.


Four hours passed in total silence. Even Melvin was about to retreat into his shell for the night.


Then, a scream coming from outside startled Hat Pop. She saw Melvin sleeping, so she quietly waddled to the entrance. Glancing out the peephole, she saw a brown penguin wearing a suspiciously "gangsta"-looking hat running from a bunch of black vans. Feeling sympathy and taking her chances, she leaned out of the home and waved to the penguin. Franky turned around and saw her, and waddled in, shutting the door.

The penguin was a tall, brown, rather good looking penguin, with darker brown hair and a purple shirt. He wore a dark blue long-sleeved vest on top, and a golden necklace. A second glance confirmed her guess. He was apparently in a mob.


"Gee, thanks. My name is Franky. I used to work in the Underground PWN Mafia, that is, Bugzy's criminal syndicate, which can be found in South Pole City at the UPM Headquarters. I-"


"Whoa! Did you just say Bugzy's syndicate... -and more importantly, did you just tell a bunch of secrets about them?"


"Aww! Did I do it again? Dang..."


"No, no! That's good! Why are you-"


Sirens were heard outside, but they faded.


"We need to get you to Shroomsky."

"Who?"


"Follow me!"


Hat Pop led Franky to the Professor, who was sound asleep in the corner, wearing nothing.


"Professor! Wake up! Professor!"


Shroomsky opened his beady eyes and telekinetically reached for his glasses.


"What do you want, Miss Pop? It's... it's 3:58 AM. Who's your friend?"


"This is Franky. He apparently knows a lot about Bugzy's gang... -and he told it all."


"Yeah, I did..." Franky replied. "Oh, and on the way to your bedroom, Hat Pop ate the last oatmeal cookie from the kitchen."


"Hey! I told you to keep that a secret!"


"Sorry."


"You're quite the tattler, aren't you?" Shroomsky questioned, whilst smiling. "Why don't you tell me about yourself?"


"Well, okay. My name is Frankfurt Rodgriguez, but folks call me 'Franky the Squealer'. I was a Picciotto in the Underground PWN Mafia, Bugzy's crime syndicate, which can be found in South Pole City at the UPM Headquarters. I always rat people out. It's why I was hired. Though, I got in big trouble with the boss when I told a bunch of coppers about this task we were doing... then, I accidently forwarded an e-mail of Bugzy's computer to the fuzz... -and now they want to bound, gag, and spank me... -and then... after my rump is good and sore... they want to..." Franky tugged on his collar and swallowed. "They want to make me... disappear."


"So, why are you being chased by the police?" Hat Pop asked.


"Bugzy wanted to land me in prison so that he could break in, bound, gag, and spank me, then make me... disappear. He planted some Judgies in my car."


"Oh..."


"Yeah... I lose either way. I guess I'm up Shot's Creek without a paddle, ain't I?"


"Well... not yet." Shroomsky added, still grinning. "You only need an outlet for your tattling. Allow me to introduce myself."


Shroomsky turned around and put on his AIA uniform.


"I am Professor Zlo Shroomsky, Headmaster of the AIA. You may call me 'Champignion' for short. If you'd be willing to tattle for us, and us alone, I'll grant you a full government pardon from every criminal deed you have ever lived to do. All you need to do is swear an oath of allegience to me and the USA."


"Really? You'd do that?"


"Sure! I have trouble keeping secrets myself. I once exorcised the Goozack, after all!"


"The what?"


"Moving on!" Shroomsky interrupted.


"All you need is an outlet for your tattling. I'm sure that if we rewarded you for tattling on villains, and not us, you'd eventually tattle only on villains. What do you say?"


"I'm in!"


"Good. I'll inform the police tommorrow, and we'll swear you in. Until then, go get some rest."


"Thanks man... err, fungus. I owe ya."


"No need for the commendation. You service is your debt." Shroomsky smiled.


"Huh?"


"He said that it's all right, and that you can show your thanks by helping him." Hat Pop translated.


"Okay!"


Shroomsky took off his clothes again and drifted off to sleep, as Hat Pop led Franky to another room, to sleep.


Franky stopped waddling as he looked past Melvin's room.


He was fast asleep. Then he did something strange. He was quoting the entire Bill of Stuff All Penguins Should Have.


"Wow, that turtle quotes a lot of law in his sleep." Frank said out loud. Everyone laughed, waking Melvin up.


"WHAT?!?!? I DON'T!"


The next morning Professor Shroomsky and the agents gathering sat on the table eating breakfast. Shroomsky made an announcement.


"Franky, you are currrently considered a petty criminal. However by swearing the oath you're in the AIA and we'll be able to remove you off the police wanted list" Shroomsky announced. A kncok from door then echoed. Melvin got it.


"Hello sirs. How can I help you? Melvin Turtlemeir, attorney -"


"At law" said one of the Penguins in Black facing him.


"I'm with the PSA as is my acomplice. May we come in?" the other said. He spoke in the accent of an X antibody. Melvin let them in.


"Shroomsky - we got visitors. From the PSA." Melvin said.


"Welcome! How can we help you?" asked Shroomsky. One of them took off his sunglasses.


"My name is Agent First Class Frank Chevrolet. This is my acomplice The X Leader. We're here on a few notes".


"Go on..." Hat Pop said.


"Firstly you're hiding a criminal..." The X Leader said.


"He's innocent! The UPM set him up" Canren screamed.


"Err... ok. Secondly we're on transfer to the AIA."


"Really? What can you do?" Shroomsky asked. Franky was the first to speak.


"I was a police officer and currently a PSA agent. I am a flexible agent since I can speak several languages and I have degrees in forensic science and a few IT subjects."


"Me... I've been undercover in the UPM, been a police officer and been on several Uber Clearance missions".


"Really... welcome to the team! Just swear the oath with Franky the Squealer. Repeat after me".


"I, wait there's three of you..."


"I, wait there's three of you..."


"Oops... ah never mind"


"Oops... ah never mind"


"Hereby solenmly swear, with the Fourth Gazook as my witnesses.."


"The Fourth What?"


"The Fourth Goozack." Professor Shroomsky trembled. "Is some all-mighty, all seeing wraith that controls you, me, and anything else in this world."


The three penguins looked at each other.


"I bet you think I'm crazy."

Shroomsky paused and then he continued.


"Umm... okay, back to the oath. ...with the Fourth Goozack as my witness..."


"With the Fourth Goozack as my witness..."


"To stalk and ultimately PWN the villains of our world..."


"To stalk and ultimately PWN the villains of our world..."


"To uphold the forces of Good above all else..."


"To uphold the forces of Good above all else..."


"...-and to never betray the corporation of which I have solemny pledged my allegiance to as stated previously."


"...and to never betray the... err, pledged allegiance I gave to my previous corporation."


"I wish someone would get it right" Professor Shroomsky said.


"I wish someone would get it right".


"No, the oath is finished".


"Is it? Oh..." Franky said.


"Welcome to the Antarctic Investigation Authority!"

They all smiled.

"Now, here's what we're going to be doing. Canren, Melvin Hat Pop, and I will check out the Metro borough. Frank - sorry Frank, do you have a nicknamed so I don't confuse you with Franky?"


"Sorry, which one?" both asked.


"Frank Chevrolet".


"Penguins call me Chevy".


"Okay... Chevrolet".


"Chevrolet, you, Franky, and X Leader will stay here and examine the Judgies. It may provide some clues. Use all your forensic skills."


"Sure thing boss." Chevy said.


"We'll be back later." said Hat Pop.


The X Leader then remembered something important.


"I forgot to tell you. Shroomsky, there's a hitman after you".


"WHAT?!?!? Oh bad. Oh bad, oh bad bad bad bad bad......."


Shroomsky began shaking.

"Shroomsky! Shroomsky! It'll be all right. Listen, we know people that can help you." X Leader paused and turned to Chevrolet. "Snowman 1001 is around here, right?"


"Yeah". Chevrolet responded.


"Get him in. We'll swear him in later". X Leader commanded.


"Boss, I know a fair bit about the hitman, I went undercover with him. You should let me go investigate him. " X Leader stated. "Let me deal with him."


"That will suffice. You have your orders, now proceed with your duties!"


With that, the agents dispersed.



Chapter Five: So a Rabbit, a Parody, a Mushroom, and a Turtle Walk Into a Bar[edit]

Shroomsky and crew took the bus and arrived in the bustling Metro borough of South Pole City. Cars were everywhere and penguins crowded the streets.

"Shroomsky, where do we begin?" Melvin asked.

"I suggest we look in shadier areas of town. Think of places that the UPM would convene."

"Well," said Canren, "If I were them, I'd go into a place in a back alley."

"Great idea, Canren!" Hat Pop stated, smiling.


The group did just that as they entered the seedier parts of town. Steamy grates and more run-down buldings of brick greeted them as they left the sparkling business towers behind them. Things became real shady, real quickly as the group entered the bad part of town.

They looked around and made note of thugs conversing in the crannies made by the buildings, of creatures going in and out, and then they stopped.

This would be the perfect place for shady beings to convene. Now doubt, this would be a good place to start.

"Now, remember that we are about to enter what the dishonest community calls a 'bar' or a 'saloon'. They may serve disgusting drinks and unclean concoctions. Possibly illegal!"

"Yeah, I've heard they even have cactus juice around here." Hat Pop added.

"Oh my!"

"I know."


The group entered the bar. Wonderful piano music greeted them, and they immediately felt a little relieved that this place wasn't that evil, but that it was used for evil purposes.


They were completely out of place, though. Shroomsky in his robes, Hat Pop in her ears and bright hooded sweatshirt, and of course, Canren looked a bit like a candy cane. Melvin wasn't any help, with his graduation hat. As everyone was busy hustling pool, ordering drinks, or just talking, they didn't attract much attention. Shroomsky got out his player card and quickly changed to his normal labcoat and hat to avoid suspicion. They walked to the back of the bar and sat in a corner table with booths.


An extremely attractive male waiter came up to the group.

"Hello ladies, and creatures", the waiter said in a beautiful, melodic voice, "What can I get for youze?"

The waiter had an accent. It was faint and probably only slips in by mistake, not unlike his good friend TurtleShroom's aceent. The accent was one that Shroomsky immediately noticed but couldn't place. It... it was sort of Newjoyzy-esque, but not quite. No... it had.... it had a sort of more raspy sound. One that meant business. It must have been insular in origin, because the mainland couldn't prouce something identical to that.


Canren was impressed, but she scoffed after a moment as she imagined her boyfriend (to be) and crossed her flippers. Hat Pop was hooked, though, staring at him up and down.


"Hey baby, nice ears."

Hat Pop giggled and blushed minorly at the comment, as Shroomsky frowned.

"So, what can I get you ladies, and creatures, this fine afternoon? The sun's goin' down quickly- 2:00 PM, after all -and that means the drinks are ten percent off until sunrise!"

"I will have the cactus juice." Melvin began. Shroomsky and Canren looked at the turtle with shock. The drink was legal in South Pole City, but they didn't expect Melvin to drink it. Hat Pop was not paying attention, still swooning over the gorgeous waiter.

"Melvin, don't you know what that stuff does to you?!"

"It doesn't affect turtles, Canren; not at all."

"Oh."

"-and what can I get you, Hat Pop?"

Hat Pop giggled again.

"Anything you'd like, sir, anything you'd like."

"Well, it's my break soon. I'll get ya-"

"Lemonade. I would like lemonade, please."

The waiter nodded to Canren, and then winked at Hat Pop.

"I'll get your drinks now."


The bar music swapped to another melody as they waited.

"Did you see that waiter?" Hat Pop asked with a wide smile.

"I sure did. Also saw how you were all over him." Canren responded, smirking.

"I was not!"

Canren scoffed.

"Come on. You were practically drooling on him. We all saw it."

Shroomsky and Melvin looked at each other.

"Females." Melvin said, shaking his neck.

"Tell me about it. It's even harder for me because I don't have a gender." Shroomsky responded. If he could nod, he would have.

"Indeed."




The food was set and the creatures happily dined on their meals. The hunk of a waiter returned to serve their every whim; in fact, he was a little too interested in this particular table. The agents just shrugged it off, assuming he was after a tip or something.

Shroomsky still couldn't shake the waiter's slight accent. "Youze". THAT was the word that remained on his thoughts. He didn't really have any other problems when he spoke, but looking back, the way he shut his beak for a moment and blinked when he said it was suspicious. Shroomsky was always one to notice details like that.

"Miss Pop..." Shroomsky began.

"Yes?"

"The waiter."

"I was not crushing on him, Shroomsky."

"No, not that. I speak of a... different matter."

"Oh? What is it?"

"His... voice."

Hat Pop smiled dreamily.

"It was pretty, wasn't it?"

"Well, I guess so... -but that's not why I speak of it. Did you notice anything peculiar about his accent?"

"Not really."

"Miss Pop, did you not notice the way he said 'youze' at the start of his banter?"

"...you're right, Shroomsky! He did!"

"Yes ma'am, he did! That's what I'm suspicious of that. Do you know of any accents that sound like that?"

Hat Pop put a flipper to her beak and thought. The others ate as she did. It was then that she recalled her Bureaucrat training. One mission she tackled was a decentralized cell of Walruses far from Antarctica... in the island realm of Liguria.

"That's it! Shroomsky, I HAVE heard that accent!"

"Tell us!" everyone said simultaneously.

"It's Ligurian."

"...Li-... Li-what?"

"Liguria is an island nation. If you go to Club Penguin and start at the Beach, sail straight forward without turning and you enter this place called 'Ninja Archipelago'. Liguria is one of the islands of that archipelago." Hat Pop said.

"Does that actually mean anything?"

"Liguria has a Mafia. Some rogue Walruses apparently were mercenaries under it." Hat Pop said.

"There are OTHER mafias?" Canren asked, surprised.

"Oh, yes ma'am." Melvin stated as Hat Pop nodded, both a bit sad. "I can think of four."

"Wow." was Canren's hushed reply.

"There's Bugzy's Underground PWN Mafia and its wannabe spinoff, Underground Own Mafia, headed by some other sort of inscect. I count those as the same thing. Then there's the Modfia and there's one crime group consisting of, believe it or not, puffles. ...-and then there's the general Ligurian-Sicilian Mafia, which, despite the name, is all over the Black Market."

"Wow. So this guy..." Canren began.

"From Liguria." Hat Pop said, nodding. "I'm surprised I didn't notice it before. He's bald, but his feathers are a Medditeranean-brown color that can only come from that reigon. Considering the manners, the accent, the 'cassanova' actions, and well, he's hot. Ligurians, I've heard they're very good looking."

"Could he be in the Mafia?" Canren asked.

"Miss Sermunculli!" Shroomsky said, as if he was insulted, "That is a very rude stereotype!"

"...-but not that off." Hat Pop mused.

Melvin nodded as he began spouting trivia.

"Liguria has a weak, unstable, and extremely corrupt government that has been rumored to have ties to the mob since before Khanzem. No polls exist, but 'holiness indexes' like those that rank Polaris claim that anywhere from a twentieth to a third of the nation is in or has ties to organized crime. Folks call it 'the mafia state'."

"Does Bugzy do deals with them?" Canren queried, continuing her gathering of information.

"Unquestionably." Shroomsky said. "From what I know about Bugzy, it's that popular culture defines him as THE epitome of all things a villain should be. Needless to say, then, that his Mafia should dominate the other Mafias, or at least corral them into a series of deals, pacts, and 'family agreements'."

"WHOA. This is bigger than I thought!" Canren said.

"Indeed it is... -but none of us can tackle all of the Mafia. No, we should strike the shepherd, and the sheep will scatter..." Shroomsky said, smirking.

"Huh?" Hat Pop asked,

"It's a metaphor." Melvin said kindly. "He means we'll take down the Mafia by taking out THE Mafia.

"The UPM?"

"You've got it!"




TO BE CONTINUED


Result[edit]

You'll have to wait until the story's over to find out!

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

  • The CPA law is a parody of the RICO jurisdiction that does the exact same thing as its parody.


v e d