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|“||AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST||”|
— Chesshire LOLCat
DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?
Oooh, the eternal pessimist!
Chesshire Lol Cat|
July 17, 1979
????, Beyond the Cat Arch
The Eternal Pessimist|
The Guy that Screams at Me for not Signing my Posts (TGTSAMFNSMP for short)
T H E S C R E A M|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAING O N O N L I N E F O R U M S
|Home town||Beyond the Cat Arch (wat de)|
|Net worth||10,000 blocks of solid gold (or so he claims!)|
5 inches when standing|
10 inches when sitting (brrrrr...)
Being a pessimist|
Screaming at other creatures in forum boards for not signing their posts
Creatures annoyed by his pessimism (lots)|
Creatures annoyed by his screaming (lots more)
Don't forget to sign your posts, as the Chesshire LOLCat is watching you!
Look behind you, because he may be screaming at you, and is about to scratch your hair off...
|AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?|
The Chesshire LOLCat, also known as The Eternal Pessimist, Chesshire Puss, and The Guy that Screams at Me for Not Signing my Posts (abbreviated to TGTSAMFNSMP), title The Screamer and The Pessimist, is a grumpy, pessimistic LOL Cat. Contrary to his name and species, he does not laugh. In fact, he has probably never laughed once in his lifetime. Instead, he is an eternal pessimist, always going on online forums to shout AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (followed by WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST?!?) at fellow users that forget to sign their posts. He has joined every forum he can think of, from book aficionado forums to conspiracy sites, and is an absolute pest to the owners of the site, and especially to the creatures he screams at.
The Chesshire LOLCat was born in a place very far away from the Cat Arch, on July 17th, 1979, as Chesshire Lol Cat (his parents were very unoriginal with names). Surprisingly, he never laughed. Not even once. He was never amused, either. This depressed his parents so much, that they just dumped him near a tree somewhere, in a very, very confusing forest. The kitten grew up, chasing and eating rats, mice, caterpillars and whatnot, and he learned how to scurry up trees.
He then grasped the power of jumping from tree to tree (not unlike James of the Jungle, but without crashing into trees), and confusing passers-byes by saying "Oh, the exit is on the left...actually, it's easier if you fly", and proved to be a nuisance since kittenhood. All this time, whenever he confused passers-byes, he grew more and more pessimistic and cynical, and eventually, he began to have a misanthropic temperament.
Looking back on it, he claims that his kittenhood was so "ordinary" and "plain", because nothing happened much (he also says that this was also partly to do with LOL Cats falling out of fashion, but nobody knows why he says this). To liven things up a bit, he kidnapped a passing witch, and forced her to give him to power of being more annoying than he currently was, and being able to disappear at will. If she refused, then she would be kidnapped for life.
She accepted, and he was toying with his newfound ability to disappear certain parts of himself, when he discovered that she had also enabled him to fly. He enjoyed this very much, and confused many creatures in the area - by now, his favourite pastime. He also discovered that the witch, as revenge, had given him the appearance of being happy, thus an extremely cheesy grin. He hated this, but he had to live with it. He also discovered that he had grasped the power of hypnosis, which would prove handy for him later on.
To make up for this, he would perch on his tree and confuse everybody by slowly appearing and disappearing, causing many to believe that he is a ghost. Eventually, he got bored, and flew away. After a lot of flying about the area, annoying creatures on his way, he came across the queen of this mysterious place, and insulted her. Unfortunately, she was very hot-tempered, and she sent her soldiers to go and fetch him and imprison him for life. During the pursuit, he stumbled across the Cat Arch. Assuming that it would be a handy way to confuse his pursuers and not something completely weird and abnormal, he glided through it.
He didn't know it was the Cat Arch, and was lost in a kind of space, not unlike the Deletion Void, except that he could move, and he wasn't deleted. His cheesy grin was gone, however, to his great relief, but unfortunately, his pessimism and misanthropic temperament doubled, causing him to be desperate to get out. After some time of floating around, a time machine passed by, and, grabbing onto it with his claws, he held on with great misanthropic strength, until he fell off and was sucked into a parallel universe, knocked onto something hard (the Fourth Wall), and was unconscious.
Club Penguin-Present Life
When he woke up, he found that he was in a snow-drift. Very annoyed at his bad luck, he tried to fly out, but he found that, thanks to the transferring from universe-to-universe, all his powers had gone. This annoyed him even more, as he was no longer used to using his feet. Grumbling, he stumbled his way out the snow-drift, and he found that this new place he had landed in was completely different from his homeland - snow was everywhere, and the trees were different. He walked up to a tree, and whilst sniffing it, a penguin waddled up to him.
Thinking that this was a new member of the Str00del Force and potentially evil (due to Serious Cat), the penguin ran back to his hut to fetch a net, and he successfully netted Chesshire, and handed him over to the police, much to Chesshire's added annoyance. He did, however, manage to nimbly escape from his prison cell when an officer came in to give him dinner, and he ran to the wilderness, where he met a group of wild puffles. He suddenly realized that his skill of hypnotism hadn't gone, so he hypnotized them to force them to tell him what the country he was now in was like.
He very quickly found out that in this land, LOL cats were not particularly favoured, especially if they were creepy and had powers of hypnosis. He set about to be one of the very few LOL Cats to be given respect, and he began by casually walking into the Pizza Parlour, and unintentionally scared everybody out of their wits. He soon made everyone understand that he wasn't planning to take over Club Penguin and the assorted businesses, and he managed to get both a meal, and a great blot on his newfound reputation.
Afterwards, he stole a huge bag of money from some robbers - yet another blot on his reputation - and he donated most of it. By this point, the police who were pursuing him were not sure whether he was a good creature who is new in the island and is slow on the uptake, or if he was an evil opportunist, so instead of arresting him, they let him go. This only increased his pessimism and misanthropic temperament, as this showed to him that when the police couldn't make up their minds, they just let potential robbers loose.
He decided that the best way to lead life would be to be a recluse, and not have much contact with the world. Consequently, he decided to be a keyboard warrior. He spammed his head with literature and spelling tasks (nobody knows how he did it), and once his spelling and handwriting was perfect, he bought himself a computer with some of the money he stole, and he joined his first forum - a book-forum. Whilst discussing with other creatures about a book, he got increasingly annoyed with a penguin who kept on forgetting to sign his posts, triggering him to blurt out his catchphrase - "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?".
He felt as if a certain weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he said this, and as the poor creature replied with "Sorry! -Penguin", Chesshire decided to do this as a job. Today, he has, by now, joined every forum he can think of, and is constantly screaming at others to sign their posts, especially in places where nobody can be bothered to do so.
Very little is known about Chesshire's future, because, like a word in his catchphrase, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA itself, he is so annoying, that finding out things about him is a very reluctant task for somebody to do. However, there is one bit of very important information on the Chesshire LOLCat that is currently known, and is not entangled in the various rumours about him - after having been banned, blocked and banished from twenty forums, he will give up everything and play chess for the rest of his life. Nobody knows the precise date of this, however, which, in a way, doesn't really matter, as, at this point, the poor creature who discovered this evidently was too frightened to unearth more, which is understandable.
The Chesshire LOLCat does nothing particularly of any interest. In fact, he annoys many penguins. Proudly declaring that "formal work is for imbecilic scrubs", he joins random forums and patrols them, in order to point out and scream at the forum's members that forget to sign their posts. In some forums where signing their posts is a strict rule but nobody bothers to follow it, he has been praised by the moderators there, and is quickly raised to status of "Supreme Forum Screamer", or "The Screamer" for short. This is why many penguins are annoyed by his nitpicking.
The Chesshire LOLCat actually does have a hobby that isn't going through forums and finding unsigned posts, but due to various rumours distorting what was once an astounding fact, it is no longer known for sure what it is. In the past, there were many rumours that he was actually a part-time modern artist, who paints moustaches on copies of famous paintings, sticks a picture of a beak on a musical time-keeping-thingie and turns over weird-looking art shelves, whilst he tries to get them exhibited (on the basis that "it's cool and modern, man!"), with no success. Newer rumours say that his nitpicking is his hobby, and he is actually a penguin disguised as a cat, whose job is being a singer, but due to his not getting success, he's just doing what he does best now.
On the same subject, absolutely wacko rumours about him always arise. These usually turn up on the conspiracy sites the Chesshire LOLCat hasn't joined so far, and when he does, he always calls for them to be deleted, in order not to stain his reputation. There still are a few wacko threads about him that do survive, and most penguins who know about them usually read these when they need cheering up. These rumours usually involve aliens, other planets, and the destruction of the world. The most popular, and thus funny and ridiculous, so far is this -
"The Chesshire LOLCat is actually an evil alien from planet '[email protected]@[email protected]([email protected][email protected]', and is trying to blend into society and is spying on us. Once he sends enough info about us to his home planet, they will invade us and colonise us, and then they will get annoyed by the rebellions and they will destroy da world!!!"
Obviously, this isn't true.
Powers and Weaknesses
Although he is a fellow LOLCat, their relationship is not good. This is probably because Wiki the Cat keeps forgetting to sign his posts on his astronomy-astrology forum, which always ends with him and the Chesshire LOLCat having a row, with nothing to do on the original subject. Curiously, the Chesshire LOLCat, although being told countless times by Wiki that he is, doesn't believe that Wiki is a LOL Cat, which adds to his fury. If he knew that Wiki the Cat was telling the truth, there is more of a chance that their relationship would be better.
Chesshire's relationship with your average keyboard warrior is awful. Especially on online forums. He always goes through forums with a toothcomb, finding out any post that someone has forgotten to sign. He will then scream at him/her, and annoy him/her very much. Especially when Chesshire finds out that the penguin who forgot to sign their posts actually does it all the time. Then, the poor, forgetful penguin will be a prime target for Chesshire, which becomes unbelievably annoying, especially when the said penguin still posts on the forum.
The Chesshire LOLCat hates the local chicks with a passion - he longs for the day that he can run fast enough to catch and scratch them as they run away with their irritating giggling and pranks.
And why is this?
The chicks know, prank and tease him for being so humbug and stingy about post-signing, and they also know a few secrets about him which he'd rather not have anybody else - let alone them - know. Being somewhat paranoid, he worries that they may spill the beans at any moment, but it's lessened now because they've known the secrets for so long. Still, he hates them for knowing them.
- Formal work is for imbecilic scrubs. I'm right about this because I say so.
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST
- DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?
- DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?
- THE CHESSHIRE LOLCAT IS WATCHING YOU!
(A penguin, on an online forum, finds his favourite subject, and posts a reply.)
Penguin: Hey, that's my favourite book - why don't you like it?
(The penguin suddenly feels a chill up his spine, and then...)
Chesshire LOLCat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST?!? -Chesshire LOLCat
(Shocked, the penguin sends a reply.)
Penguin: Oooh, steady on! -Penguin
(A penguin, on an online forum, finds his favourite subject, and posts a reply.)
Penguin: WHAT?!? What do you mean, "the result does not look like the photograph"? This was posted ten minutes ago, for a recipe taking forty minutes to cook, and you wrote your reply just nine minutes ago? How does that work?
(The penguin gets a shiver up his spine, and then...)
Chesshire LOLCat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SIGN YOUR POSTS?!?
(The penguin sees his opportunity, having been continuously screamed at since last week...)
Penguin: ARGH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST?!? -Penguin
Chesshire LOLCat (obviously stunned): Oh... -Chesshire LOLCat
(A penguin brave enough to interview him for his forum is at his igloo.)
Penguin (Pe.): So, Chesshire LOLCat, here at our forum, we're curious about your job. What job do you have?
Chesshire LOLCat (Ch.): Formal work is for imbecilic scrubs. I'm right about this because I say so.
Pe.: Hang on...if I've heard you right, did you just say "work is for imbeciles"?
Ch.: Yes. Is there a problem with that?
Pe.: O_O. Back on topic...why do you scream at everybody when they forget to sign their posts?
Ch.: Unsigned posts are so distracting and rude. What's more, they show the spirit of our times - that is, the majority of the population are scrubs.
Pe.: O_O. Okay, I'm not sure if I agree with you on that, but back to the interview. What's your daily routine?
Ch.: Why do I have to tell you that? Either way, scrubs like you won't understand it.
Pe.: O_O O_O. It would be kind of you to tell us though.
(Reluctantly, Chesshire jumps to his computer, types his password for a random forum at the speed of Sir Kitteh smashing into the Fourth Wall, and finds an unsigned post.)
Ch. (typing and vocally): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR POST?!?
(He logs off.)
Ch.: Done. I do that everyday. Anything else you want to ask?
Pe.: o_O O_O O_o. Last question - what do you think of us at the forum?
Ch.: Scrubs who don't sign their posts.
Pe. (mindblown): O_O O_O O_O. Okay then, Chesshire, that's it. Good-day.
(Later on, as the interview is posted on the forum, Chesshire reads it, and...)
Ch.: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, INTERVIEWER, WHY DIDN'T YOU SIGN YOUR INTERVIEW?!? - Chesshire LOLCat
Pe.: Sorry! -Penguin
(The Chesshire LOLCat is in an exceptionally bad mood.)
Chesshire LOLCat: Needles, I don't think I can log on today...got darned by some CGI cup and it's too much - wait, what was that sound?
(Suddenly the computer turns on by itself!)
Chesshire LOLCat: Hey, what's that?
(The sign displayed on his computer reads: THE CHESSHIRE LOLCAT IS WATCHING YOU!!! As he gasps at it in despair, the sound of some laughing chicks can be heard.)
Chesshire LOLCat: Just wait 'till I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at you, you lousy fools! Argh!
- Despite the name, Chesshire LOLCat has nothing to do with Chesshire, Puffle'and. Many so-called "biographers" and "experts" on LOL Cats always get this detail wrong.
- Whenever somebody is about to be screamed at on an online forum, they strangely get a shiver up their spine.
- Sometimes, keyboard warriors who post 24/7 on online forums get continuously attacked by Chesshire LOLCat. This brings them eternal nightmares, lasting for a maximum of a year if they quit the forum afterwards, of black LOL cats with shining eyes sitting in trees, some human playing "croquet" with a huge pink bird, and a pack of cards come to life, among other things.
- These sound quite nice, but watch out! They quickly turn creepy!
- Awkwardness always happens to penguins he "knows" (e.g. screams at on a daily basis).
- These awkward moments always lead the penguins to think about black LOL cats as soon as the moment finishes.
- At some point, these penguins even exclaim "Curiouser and curiouser!", for an unknown reason.
- Hypocritically, sometimes, he forgets to sign his own posts. This causes his enemies, usually keyboard warriors who do the same, to begin to attack him with his own catchphrase.
- One of these keyboard warriors who attack him whenever he does this is a fellow LOL Cat, Wiki the Cat, whom the Chesshire LOLCat always screams at for continuously forgetting to sign his posts on his astronomy-astrology forum.
- His kittenhood is a parody of the Cheshire Cat.