Club Penguin Scary Stories
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Club Penguin's Scary Stories are the most notable of ghost stories in CP, orally told by various cultures to scare the younger characters. Others involve an actual place, and daring penguins go there ritualistically, almost like a rite of passage. It's strange how penguins, at a certain age, love scaring themselves sick. There are a total of 5 notable stories so far.
- This particular story is circulated throughout Dorkugal, and is commonly repeated by nerds at slumber parties. It originated in the medical field, but even nerds like a good scare, so this story lives on.
The tale goes like this:
Explorer: (in Nerd Mode) And so the little acyl-CoA heard a scratch, scratch, at the membrane of the mitochondrion. And so, when he opened the ionic channel--
(one of the nerds screams, "MAMA!!" and ducks under the conference table)
Explorer: (continuing) ...he saw not one, not two, not three, and NOT 3.14159265--
(all the nerds gasp loudly)
Explorer: (continuing) ... but FOUR large enzymes!!!
(two nerds scream, "AAAAH!!!" and run under the conference table)
Explorer: (continuing) So, this, this, motley, ragged bunch of enzymes, well... they meant business. So, do you know what they did?
(all the nerds shake their heads rapidly)
Explorer: Well... (grins evily) ... the first one-- called acyl CoA dehydrogenase--brought his little minion out, a little mean molecule called FAD. Well... guess what the two terrible duo did to the innocent carboxcylic acid?
(all the nerds whimper)
Explorer: (laughing evily) They... OXIDIZED HIM!!!!
(three nerds scream, "SAVE US!!!!" and duck under the conference table)
Explorer: So, the FAD-- that rude little mugger, much like a UPM piccito --well, he shuttled the stolen electrons off to who knows where. And then, another enzyme-- called enoyl CoA hydratase-- came up and brought out his little minion. And do you know who it was?
(all the nerds shake their heads rapidly)
Explorer: (yelling maniacally) DHMO!!!!
(Four nerds yell and run under the conference table. Explorer continues with his "scary" beta-oxidation tale, until he reaches the very last part:)
Explorer: And finally, the last enzyme came up and brought out a molecule of COENZYME A!!! And do you know what they did to the fatty acid?
(the remaining nerd shakes his head rapidly)
(the nerd screams and runs out of the conference room)
Explorer: (preening his feathers) Pity they all ran out. I was about to tell them how the bits and pieces of the poor carboxcylic acid got sent into the Krebs Cycle.
- This tale is of Redlink Abbey origins, based on the old stained-glass building bearing the worn-out sign that said "S AIN'T NINJINIAN'S". The telenacle was built before most of the nerds of the reigon knew about it, and long controversy grew out of who "Saint" Ninjinian was. All that was truly known was that Ninjinian (the First) was an ancestor of the modern-day Ninjinian and that the Governance never promoted anyone named Ninjinian to such a status. This is why the tale remains in circulation.
- Many a daring Lichenblossom nerd has taken the ritualistic "scare me silly" trip after hearing this tale, and going to this Telenacle is practically a rite of passage for the reigon. On any given night, one could see nerds approaching the building.
The telling of the tale goes like this:
An older nerd gathers around younger ones in a circle just down the road of the Telenacle. Normally, a nice electric lantern sits in the middle of the circle for light. When the story is told, the light is dimmed for "dramatic effect". It is best told on a Tuesday.
The nerds who have never heard the story are listed as "Victims", the storyteller is, obviously, listed as "Storyteller".
A fellow nerd who has heard the frightening story opens the tale.
Nerd: (looking at St. Ninjinian's Telenacle) Wow, that's quite a telenacle. Why isn't it ever used?
Victim: Yeah, we should go and find out.
Storyteller: (surprised) Wait, you're not afraid of that telenacle?
Random Victim: Pfft, nah. Why would we? It's a communications center that gave Tech-Time with bishops.
Storyteller: OH REALLY?
All Victims: Yeah really!
Storyteller: Well, I myself am terrified. Especially after... well, you know.
Various Victims: (nervously) Wait, what do we know?
Storyteller: You don't recall? 'Twas all over the news!
Victims: TELL US, TELL US!
Storyteller: No, I should not. 'Twould ruin this sleepover. *smirks*
All Victims: TELL US, TELL US, TELL US!
Storyteller: You mean to tell me you've never heard the story of... the Hash List Slinging Slasher?
Random Victim: The dash-mist-zinging-masher?
Storyteller: No, Hash Li-
Other Victims: (various phrases) The trash-ist-pinging, slash-wrist-ringing... um...
Storyteller: No, the Hash List Slinging Slasher... -BUT, most are only able to utter the "Ha-AAAH!", for that is all they can say before HE GETS THEM!
Victims: (in unison) TELL US THE STORY!
Storyteller: Well... years ago, (gesturing to telenacle) at that very telenacle, the Governance had finally built it after years of difficulty. Since the residents of our great land refused them to build it, they had to build it on the outskirts. The Governance chose a local nerd off the streets to be its priest. The telenacle was too small for a bishop. Now, this priest was TERRIBLE at Tech-Time. I mean, he pretty much knew NOTHING about technology. Everyone laughed at him, and he soon became filled with hate. This is where the story began.
Victims: TELL US THE STORY!!!!
Storyteller: Okay, you asked for it! Now, the priest used to work there, giving Tech-Time every Wednesday. One night, while he (makes cutting gesture) was cutting the wiring, IT HAPPENED!
Random Victim: He improperly routed the circuits?
Other Victim: He failed to wash his flippers?
Other Victim: He forgot to turn of the circuits?
Other Victim: He tripped on his robe?
Storyteller: No, he electrocuted his own flipper by mistake! Since it was unusable, he was forced to AMPUTATE IT!
Victim: There are prosthetic flippers available now. Why is that a problem?
Storyteller: Except it wasn't 2000.
Storyteller: SO HE COULDN'T GET ONE!
All victims scream in absolute terror.
Storyteller: So, he replaced his flipper with a rusty pair of pliers... enraged at his mistake, the priest ran out but GOT RUN OVER BY A PASSING JEEP CARAVAN! ...-and then, at his funeral, he was FIRED, because he never benefited anyone! So now every Tuesday night, he returns to this place to exact his horrible vengeance.
Random Victim: (frightened) TONIGHT IS TUESDAY...
Storyteller: Then he'll be coming.......
Victim: HOW WILL WE KNOW HIS ARRIVAL?
Storyteller: There are three signs which signal the approach of the Hash List Slinging Slasher.
The Victims are now staring in fright, listening to every word of the story.
Storyteller: First, the light of the Abbey Chimetower (gestures to Redlink Abbey in the distance) will flicker on and off, on and off.
Storyteller: Then, everyone near the Telenacle will be notified they have an e-mail, but there will be no mail there.
Storyteller: Lastly, the Slasher arrives in the ghost of the now-destroyed Jeep convoy that ran him over! He will then float to the Telenacle WITHOUT looking out for passing Jeep caravans, because he is already DEAD! He'll tap on the door of the Telenacle with his grissly plier-prosthetic... yet, the door isn't open.
Storyteller: The priest will turn around, making a loud squeaking noise. (imitates squeaking noise) EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH........
Storyteller: He slowly approaches the nearest source of light... then, you know what he does next?
Everyone: (trembling) WHAT?!
Storyteller: Do you REALLY wanna know? (The Storyteller slips out while everyone are grabbing each other and cowering in fear)
Everyone: WHAT, WHAT DOES HE DO?!
The Storyteller senaks up behind everyone...
Storyteller: (while grabbing nerds) HE GETS YA!
Everyone screams to the point of shattering a glass of water the storyteller brought for mockery, and they proceed to run to the Abbey, quite often tripping over themselves.
After much research, Fred has found that there are practical explanations for the so-called "signs" of the Hash List Slinging Slasher's Arrival.
The light in the Chimetower, so says Fred, is controlled by a single cord located in the top of the Tower. On Tuesday night, the Abbey's staff is preparing for Tech Time, held on Wednesday. TEH RINGER (the nerd who operates Redlink's electronic chime system) has a major role in preparing the Abbey, and thus usually sleeps in early after doing said jobs. By tradition, most RINGERZ sleep in a small, woven hammock that is attached to the light cord. When TEH RINGER sleeps in the hammock, the weight of the hammock pulls on the light cord, causing the light to turn on. The light cord will attempt to reset itself back to its original position, pulling itself up, thus causing the light to go out. The hammock will pull down again, and the cord will reset once more, causing the repeated flickering that many see on a Tuesday evening.
As for the false e-mail notification, Fred claims that the operators of Redlink Abbey's internet and e-mail service test the network every night by sending an e-mail to every single account they have, then deleting it immediately after. The deletion happens so quickly that by the time people check their inbox, the e-mail is already gone.
Judge Xavier and the Orduh of the Foe Nix
- This story is told by the South Pole Council members to every new delegate. It was invented by Judge Xavier. This is a video taken of Kwiksilver when he joined.
Kwiksilver walks in.
Explorer: Oho! Another new victim!
Kwiksilver (confused): What new victim?
Xavier: Every new delegate we've had has been brutally-
Xavier: -attacked by the Foe Nix!
Kwiksilver: (gasp) The Foe what?
Xavier: The Foe Nix, an organization started by an MMK breakaway movement. Do you want to hear their story?
Kwiksilver sits on a chair.
Kwiksilver: I'm all ears.
Barkjon: Long, long ago...
Happyface: Actually only six years ago-
Fred: Wasn't it seven?
Great Snailzini: No, definitely six.
Barkjon (angrily): AS I WAS SAYING, in a run-down hotel, Judge Xavier was sleeping peacefully. It was midnight, when a noise-
Xavier: It was really a clatter.
Barkjon: Okay, clatter woke him up
Rocket Slug and the Headless Bird
This is mainly a parody of this
Told and experienced at Camp South Pole over the summer
Agent Meltie: Alright, campers, let's all turn on our listening ears for a scary story! Oooooooo! (she drops her fake enthusiasm) I hope I'm getting payed double for this.
(She turns on a flashlight in the classic "scary-story" position)
Agent Meltie: Once, at a camp just like this one, many penguins were enjoying their camping trip, just like this one.
Rocket Slug (nervously): Can I tell a story tonight?
Agent Meltie (sighing): Fine. But make it scary.
Rocket Slug: Once upon a time, an armada of pink penguins were sitting in a flower patch on a bright, sunny day-
(Agent covers her sister's mouth)
Agent Meltie: Sorry, but it's not a real campfire story unless someone's shakin'. I've got one. Anyway, blah-blah-blah, camping trip just like this one, yadda yadda. A young chick was wandering through a dark, scary forest when suddenly, she heard the snap of a twig beneath her. She looked down to reveal nothing but the gravel below. So she started walking quickly out of the forest, and heard a penguin waddling behind her. So she started running. The penguin caught up quickly, and the chick screeched to a halt.
The area where the bird's head would be was dripping with a green liquid. It held a hairdryer in a frightening position. "I've come for you," it moaned.
(Rocket Slug interrupts)
Rocket Slug: If it's headless, then how can it talk?
Agent Meltie: It's headless, not mute.
(She gets back into the mood of her story)
The chick screamed and started running, only for the headless bird to shrug and unzip its outfit, revealing Gary the Gadget Guy.
Agent Meltie: "Goodness! The head of my costume fell off!" Gary exclaimed. "And I had this delicious green cream soda to share, and a hairdryer to recycle! The drink spilled!"
Rocket Slug (lying nervously): That...t-that wasn't scary.
Agent Meltie: Good. Because Sye's shaking over there.
(She gestures to Sye, who is indeed shaking)
(Agent gets up to put out the fire with a bucket of water. Rocket screams as the water splashes)
The Mystic Dragon of Noir
- This tale tells the origin of a Dragon Puffle named Noir, and his ultimate doom in scaring PuffleVille by mistake... or so they say.
- Many puffles have taken the trip to Mystic Island after hearing this tale, and going to this island is practically a very unusual sight... It hasn't been confirmed as to whether Noir exists or not.
The telling of the tale goes like this:
Snow: Gee, don't you ever wonder why Mystic Island is so shrouded in fog?
Random Puffle: Perhaps it's off-limits?
Random Puffle: Is it forbidden?
Snow: Allow me to explain the fog.
Snow: Once upon a time, there was a dragon named Noir.
Snow: Now Noir was very nice...
Snow: ... but here's the catch.
Snow: He only flew on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights.
Random Puffle: Wait, it's Friday, right?
Snow: Here's where it all began, though.
Snow: So Noir flew by PuffleVille on a Thursday night...
Snow: ...he grunted and groaned and roared as he scared off Poffles.
Snow: He had put the PuffleVillians in grave terror by mistake... or so they say.
Snow: So the mayor of that time, my great-great-great-great-grandfather, Snow I, had banished him off to a lone island for scaring the citizens.
Snow: They say he's been living here, perhaps flying through PuffleVille, ever since.
Random Puffle: H-how do we know he's still living?
Snow: There are 5 things you need to know to know he's living.
Snow: First, if the moon is new on any of those nights, listen for a snort, groan, or moan in the distance.
Snow: Next, pay attention to the Periwinkle Tree. If the light beside it is red... watch out.
Snow: Then, keep an eye peeled on the fog. If it's slightly glowing green, start panicking. I've only ever seen this happen once...
Snow: After that, look around Mystic Island to make sure there aren't any mirages... he likes pretending he's somewhere he's not.
Snow: If all those have happened, the day has come. Pay attention to your power lines... check your computer for a folder named HIM. That's his evildoing. Each puffle receives several very scary, deep, and rather dark messages in the folder HIM.
All the Puffles but Snow: AAAH!
Snow: ...but we dunno if it's true.