Fear, Thy Name is Jones

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Fear, Thy Name is TurtleShroom
Story information
Genre Humor/Comedy
Form Autobiographical memoir
Story date June 28th, 2013 AD-July 3rd, 2013 AD
Protagonist TurtleShroom (penguin)

"Fear, Thy Name is Jones", or "It's a Good Thing He Reigned by Fear", is the humorous short story about TurtleShroom and his trip to the Scare Games Rental. As it turned out, he joined the oddest of characters and ended up proving that even he could instill the old-timey kind of fear. Maybe.


[JUNE 28TH, 2013 AD]

Although I was originally displeased to hear from my great-grandfather that those evil wretches in that creepy celestial bureaucracy were renting all of Club Penguin Island out to a mysterious, even otherworldly, festival, I have come to warm up to this novel idea of using fear to earn EBUL items from a catalog.

Why? Is this not obvious? I hate to toot my own horn, but I AM fear. I've run the Club Penguin Weekee for years and everyone respected and feared me. In a good way, obviously! Sure, it ultimately cost me my job, but...

Uhh, I think I am through with today's entry.


CHAPTER ONE: Tough Penguins Wear P.N.K.

It is dawn on their second day of renting Club Penguin. The festivities end on July 3rd. I am not entirely sure or trusting of the origins of this party, nor how much money EBUL made off of it, considering its odd use of "points" to redeem suprisingly well-made costumes. Heh, cheesy costumes have always been a weakness of mine. That mustached gentleman, uhh, penguin- monster, tentacled, thing? -at the end of the Catalog was going in my Inventory for sure.

I travelled from Uno Valley to the ports of the Antarctic Penninsula, and took SABER to Club Penguin Island. I didn't feel like using the Holyberden manholes today. Stepping onto the CCP Server docks, I teleported to the TCP Servers to join the Party. I appeared in something unmistakable. This was a collegiate festival. I accidently went to college.

Before I could move any further, several penguins in "monster-in-the-closet" style Halloween costumes photographed me and handed me an ID card.

"Welcome to Honorary Monsters' University!" the one in front of me said squealed.

She was definitely a penguin, this I could tell, wearing a detailed pink costume with tentacles donned over her flippers and yellow worms for hair. Nice touch.
The other penguins intoned: "Brought to you by Walt Disney Studios and Pixar Image Computers."

I knew evil was afoot, but today, I AM UNOFFICIALLY A COLLEGE STUDENT! I will let evil sort itself out to honor my fake admission to college. I was never properly educated, having fully taught myself how to read, write. I looked at the ID and smiled, though a grimace crossed my beak quickly as I realized that they had cut off my head again. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THEY CUT MY HEAD OFF?!

I looked at the card.

FRATERNITY: ________
FEAR POINTS: 00000000

I am totally going to fake this on my resume.

Approving of this psuedo-academic adventure, I pocketed my "Student ID" as another cheery penguin in a monster costume took my flipper and dragged me out of the college campus and on to a smaller area. I recognized the use of Greek letters on each building and knew I had approached fraternities. Or, since male and female penguins were entering and exiting each, I deduced that these were clearly desegregated fraternities and sororities.

"Sir, per our academic offerings, you are required to pledge to a fraternity or sorority. You look like a very old penguin. Did you go to an actual college? We've managed to get several colleges to sponser each of these groups."

I rubbed my flipper on the feathers of the back of my head and looked, sheepishly, to the snowy ground.

"I never went to school, ma'am."

The cheery penguins looked at me with a suprisingly non-insulting gaze of sympathy.

"You never went to college?"

"No ma'am, I never had a formal education. I come from a poor city and taught myself to be literate."

A pink, female penguin, who had exited what was clearly a sorority house, approached me. She was apparently a Non-Member, judging by the pink fin headband and pink hat she was donning. She placed a flipper around what would constitute my shoulder and smiled.

"Sir, you seem to have a long and wisend life. Those Noobs at Ooze-ma κ (Kappa) will try to schmooze you to their side, and right now, they are in first place for their pity. Go inside their frat-house and you'll certainly see why. -but I understand your pain." the pink penguin smirked. I am not sure why. She gestured me to the fraternity building, and I entered alone.

Expecting a messy, pizza-ridden, moldy and unkept space laden with improper manners- these were expected in "party schools" -I was shocked and delighted to see a regal, pristine, old lady's boarding house. What beautifully old-fashioned decor! I crossed my flippers across my body and nodded in great approval of this respectful building.

The house looked right out of my hometown. It was like I was walking to a neighbor's house as a chick. It was then that a mildly chubby penguin in a fairly adorable monster costume with a tasteful, green sweater approached me. He was a great actor.

"Wow! You look like a king, sir!"

I was flattered.

"I was."

The costumed penguin- clearly as young and innocent as any young adult penguin from my hometown (so I fondly noted) -smiled. He looked at me for a moment, as a realization came over his eyes.

"Are you, per chance, from Uno Valley?"

I smiled.

"Yes sir, I am."

"I love that place, sir! Ooze-ma Kappa designers were dispatched there to design this frat-house! They wanted it 'old-timey, quaint, and okay'."

I nodded.

"That's about how it is there. Just... okay."

The monster reeled me in for the pitch.

"Okay?" he said, grinning widely from behind his costume. "We're all okay here! If you're OKAY with winning, join Oκ!"

He extended a flipper to me.

"You in, brother?"

I was interrupted by the door being kicked open by that pink penguin.

"NO TURTLESHROOM, NO! These aren't the underdogs!"

She paused, looking at me and then back at the Oκ fraternity house. As if a spark had gone off in her head, she slapped her flipper upon her face.


"Pythons' Ν (Nu) κ!" spat the costumed penguin that had schmoozed me better, to the pink penguin. "Get lost! The king is Ooze-ma κ material! He's the very penguins we based this theme off of! Go away!"

"That old guy is Pythons' N κ material AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"No, he's Ooze-ma!"




The Oκ penguin turned to me.

"TurtleShroom, listen to me. Use your personal life. You are a college student at Monsters' University. You join a party school, but have declared your major in Fear. What do you do?"

I paused.

"I do what any real penguin does in college. I study every book on fear, learn the system, make the grade, and graduate either on or right next to Deans' List."

"THAT'S RIGHT! -and why?"


The Oκ penguin applauded fervently as the PNκ penguin clinched her flippers.

"OOZE-MA κ IS FULL OF IT." she responded, as I turned around to face her. "Penguins are joining them because they were the underdog! They were in dead last, and now they top the others by millions! Just look at them! They're adorable little nerds in refined housing! NO ONE CAN RESIST THAT FACE. EVERYONE WANTS THE UNDERDOG."

The Oκ penguin gave "The Look" and then tauntingly smirked at PNκ's representative. I was nearly seduced by the cuteness.

"PNκ isn't like them. We're the underdog; we're respectful, classy young ladies- and gentlemen with enough boldness and bravery to don pink -ready to advance and win these contests!"

"You're a party group and we ALL know it!" snapped the Oκ penguin.

"Lies! We're going to kick your squishy TAIL FEATHERS! Just you see! You'll see!"

"Not with that mentality. Party party party. TurtleShroom here knows he's Oκ material."

"Of course the Unoian is going to fit his own stereotype. You practically bought his pledge!"



"He belongs with us!"



I shouted.


I turned to each.

"Ooze-ma κ, I respect you far more than party groups, and yes, I belong to you, but I must decline your offer. These young ladies approached me first and extended their hand as soon as I teleported here."

The Ooze-ma κ penguin was floored.

"You are the better fraternity and you will win- and may the Sky Programmers bless your cause -but I am afraid that I need to honor the respect of my first greeters."

I turned to the pink Non-Member.

"Miss, I am ready to pledge unto Pythons' N κ."

The pink penguin pointed to the Oκ penguin.


I was greeted by a surprise embrace.

"TurtleShroom, you won't regret it! Tough penguins wear pink! Now, let's get to scaring!"

She handed me a pink baseball cap. I looked at it, and then to her. Slowly, I removed my heavy crown and had the Oκ penguin hold it. I stood stiffly, with a stern look on my face, and placed the cap over my head, proudly nodding to the pink penguin.

"I pledge my support to the Python's N κ Fraternity as a loyal brother to your group."

The squeal from the pink penguin hurt my ears. It really did.

Initiation was immediate as soon as I entered the prissy PNκ house. I was handed a candle and made to recite an oath. This was the typical pledge faire, and expected at any tertiary school. I was pleased not to have to go through any "hazing" trial. Having taken my oaths, my ID was proudly amended to make me a Brother of Pythons' N κ.

FEAR POINTS: 00000000


CHAPTER TWO: Eligible Bachelor

"All right TurtleShroom, having pledged to P N κ, you must be oriented into your declared major. Scaring."

"Fear?" I echoed.

"EXACTLY. Here at Monsters' University, all students automatically have their majors declared for them. Graduation and earning of a MU degree requires a certain number of points in the Scare Games."

"Scare Games?"

"Yes sir. Club Penguin didn't want to make Noobs study for this party. That wouldn't make it a party."

I nodded.

"For serious penguins, there are strings to be pulled to actually get a diploma. It's a gag gift, of course, but still 'kinda cool. Anyway, let's go. Scare Hall is about to open again for the next group of entry students."

I was led to an impressive, regal structure. Entering, I was equally impressed by the realism and decorum of this room. I was lead to pew-like seats. It really did feel like this was an old classroom in a very powerful, classic university.

"Oh, and you'll need these."

I was handed some Non-Member pink fins. I shrugged and placed them under my cap.

"NOW you're a SCARY monster."

I chuckled as the pink penguin left. This was quite entertaining. The "professor" in this game entered very quickly and called the audience to attention.

"Monsters." he stated, pacing the area around a chalkboard. "Today, you begin your first day in your new major. Fear. Sure, Club Penguin has painted it into fun and games, but I encourage you to take this seriously."

Most of the "students" rolled their eyes, antsy for the party. I, though, nodded. A few other penguins, all of them from Ooze-ma κ, nodded with me. They all looked and gestured to me in a "why aren't you our brother" message that was so obvious, even I could recognize it. I dismissed their arguments.

"Those who elect to take this seriously will win their Bachelors' Degree! For those who are actually fearsome, a Bachelor of Arts in Scaring! For those who demonstrate the willpower, technique, and studies to qualify, but aren't literally fearsome, a Bachelor of Science in Scaring! If you can get enough Points by July 3rd, I hope to see those who play for a Diploma at the graduation ceremonies!"

My eyes lit up. I could finally rub that in my usurpers face! A college degree! Ah ha ha ha!


The classroom fell quiet as everyone looked at me. I was ashamed and lowered my head.

"I apologize, 'Professor'."

The professor apparently forgave me as he nodded and continued.

"All wishing to enroll for their amusement and for the Scare Games, please, raise your tentacles, claws, appendages, stalks, or other things! Or... uhh, your flippers, I guess. Remember, no one has to be a Member to play!"

Almost every penguin did so and cheered. I rolled my eyes at their naivette.

"Excellent. Please file out of the classroom through the exit behind me, to the right. You will be handed your Canister that will store your Points. Place it in your User Interface, next to the Report console, and get to scaring."

With the classroom empty aside from four Ooze-ma κ penguins (and myself), the professor actually smiled.

"Now THIS is what I like to see. Ooze-ma κ, you've had a lot of- well well well, what do we have here?"

The professor's smile widened as he looked to me.

"Sir, to whom did you pledge?"

"Pythons' N κ, sir."

The Ooze-mas would have been hypocritical if they laughed, so they zipped their beaks.

"Wow. I haven't seen many of you take the Diploma route. I hope you do well."

I nodded.

"Thank you."

The professor nodded, and gestured his hands- for he was not a penguin -to all of the remaining "students". They all smiled, myself included

"You gentlemen, please come forward."

We each filed in before the Professor. I got in the back because of my absence of speed, and waited. I observed the Professor closely, looking at his costume with admiration. There were no seams nor zippers (as was common with other costumes, even in high quality), and his "tail" realistically swished back and forth every now and then. I practically swore that he was a bona fide dragon like being. He was definitely not a penguin. My paranoia told me that he was a creature from another universe, but I immediately dismissed it as me being stupid. This was clearly an animatronic character programmed by G!

I finally approached and was given a silver (or grey) Canister. I installed it onto my User Interface as instructed, and awaited further instructions.

"When Diploma players earn Points in the Scare Games, they are not added to the scoreboards in the front. No, they go solely to the graduation program for the Bachelor Degrees in Scaring."

He gestured to yellow lines going up the meter that was on the Canister.

"The bottom-most line is the minimum for graduation, rite. This first mark, here, is Cum-Laude. Above that, Magna-Cum-Laude, and then, Summa-Cum-Laude! I am sure you understand the prestige of 'graduating with honors'!"

We nodded. I knew I'd hit Summa or bust!

"Now, go get scaring! Good luck!"

We cheered and ran outside. I never stopped to think that I was not scary in the "BOO!"' sense, especially considering my failures every Halloween...


Stepping out of Scare Hall and into the twilight of the noonday sky this time of year, I looked towards a well-lit amphiteater adjacent from where I had exited. I waddled my way past various-aged penguins doing various things on various blankets and seats, all of which somewhat indicated their age. I felt relieved that I wasn't the only (far) older penguin present at the festival. I entered and viewed a large billboard that read the points for each fraternity/sorority. Ooze-ma κ was fast approach the ten million mark, with everyone else, my fraternity included, in the dust.

Various cheers, shouts, roars, and other sorts of sounds echoed in a crescendo of general merriment and entertainment. I was pleased at the lack of Member/Non-Member tensions this time around. It seems that the Moderators were trying to pressure EBUL backwards to what those target practice CPW hipster protestors longed for. It was a given, though, that clothes were still segeregated. I fiddled with the Non-Member fins on my head as I contemplated these things.

I approached the billboard and was greeted by several penguins wearing Moderator-like badges. These were clearly EBUL employees.

"Monster, you are required to sign this Waiver exempting Economic Borders Unlimited, Club Penguin, Sub-Antarctica, the United States of Antarctica, supranational bodies, Walt Disney Studios, Pixar Image Computers, the rental companies, the academic systems of Antarctica, Alseef, and all other parties to this event, all potential parties to this event, all governments present, all sponsors, all machines, employees, volunteers, patrons, players, natural disasters, Moderators, from liability, accountability, any responsibility any item and anything that could cause potential harm, injury, physical trauma, mental trauma, feather loss, pain, sadness, anger, discomfort, or death, and agree to forfeit all rights to sue or press charges (civil or criminal) in any court of law or arbitration, anywhere, at any time, by yourself, your friends, families, or puffles, and from your estate by will and testament, by anyone with power of attorney in your name, any law firm, any company, institution, group, or class action unit, from now until the end of time."

There was a pause as the EBUL employee breathed deeply.

"Do you accept these terms and conditions?"

I consented and was gestured to sign my initials and, on the bottom, my signature.

"Thank you."

Another peppy, smiling penguin in a well-designed suit took my flipper and welcomed me to the "Scare Games". She was similar to the one who had greeted me first and apparently worked as a volunteer. I was ushered to a field with a large box with noisy generators, electrical cables, and a single door. To the right and left of these boxes were, at my estimate, sixteen more, and then so on in backing rows. This was certainly enough to accomodate all TCP users in most cases, and probably tourists.

I was led down into the array of boxes and brought to one near the center of the grid, to the right. The penguin explained to me the object of the game. This event, the "Scare Games", was, to put it simply, an obstacle course followed by one's ability to instill fear against a machine. My object was to approach the machine at the end of the hall in silence within a time limit, and strike with the best of my abilities. The machine was a android-ish console rested in a four-posted bed.
I was told that the machine was called the "Console" and the Box was called the "Scare Simulator".

"Why a bed? Penguins sleep standing up?"

"This is the question that EVERY monster has asked me all day!" the girl replied. "Okay, I'll explain again. See, the bed stores all the hardware and junk that is programmed to register the visual and audio aspects of the scaring done by players. It calculates and reports the success of the user, instills the countdown timer, and detects background noise caused by touching obstacles. The android itself picks up sight and sound. If we made the thing stand up like a real penguin, it couldn't 'react' to players because it would be so heavilly wired to the walls and ceiling and floor, harming the monstrous illusion and making it a whole lot more difficult for us to maintain. The bed ensures both efficiency and less maintenance for the party planners."

I nodded, impressed at the rationalization. I was informed that I was allowed to dress myself after obeying certain guidelines. Before I could respond with questions, I was asked to remove any external clothes, like my suit jacket. I stipped this off until I was down to my dress shirt, and repeated this likewise with my little shoes. I reached for the fins and the hat, as well as other items I had on, but was told that these could stay.

With these articles off, they got to work. The attendants removed my sash and draped a pink ribbon to serve in its place. Then, they turned to me to check those fins and my pink cap, and attatched some sort of mechanical device onto my back, with backpack-like harnesses placed over what counted as my shoulders. They did the same with my reliable old Ninja mask, giving me a pink one, and taped the PNκ logo over my suit lapel, finally laying the clothes down on a bench near the machine entrance.

To finish, I received two more items. They handed me some large, pink shoes with strange circuitry and what seemed to be miniature fans. They were stylized to look like a monster's clawed, toed feet. They also gave me a pink, tube-like, skeletal item which was placed horizontally on my neck and was as large as my wingspan. It had Velcro restraintas which wrapped around my flippers like tubing. Lowering my flippers, the shoes and tubes each creaked and made faint metallic sounds as the attendants speedily tightened the items until they were snug on my body. I was interested, and immediately inquired as to these devices.

"What's the machine for?"

"These are the skeletal pieces that simulate monster abilities. Since penguins can not walk easily, and because we're flightless, G- bless him -created these machines to allow us to move faster, quieter, and gave us the ability to jump, double jump, and even glide short distances."


"It's also why we require most players to put those on." the penguin gestured to large monster suits, colored in each fraternity/sorority's colors. "It obscures the machines and furthers the illusion."

She smiled.

"Dress for success, and remember, be scary! You'll travel this obstacle course, frighten the Console, and exit the back door. Come back to the front. The obstacles will be realigned by then. If you need any further instructions on how to play, refer to the file folder in the plastic shelf next to the entry door.

CHAPTER FOUR: The Costume to Trump All Else

I nodded and scanned my Player Card's inventory. I took out an old flagpole I got from some weird mountain climbing event and tied a brown lantern I got from one Halloween trip to its top. It dangled slightly as I checked to make sure it wouldn't hit the roof of the Scare Simulator. (Did you REALLY think my trusty, favorite old lantern would be used for this?)
Old "ghost lights" were always a tale on Route One, of deceased workers, truckers, drivers, and what-not. I thought this might baffle the Console if it opened its optical receptors and "looked around" for monsters.
I placed my three-piece suit back on. The dress shirt was wrinkled by all this monster gear I had been obligated to don, so I initially struggled to place the vest and then the jacket over it, and buttoned it properly. The end result looked and felt like I was wearing padded shoulders. Comical little pink wings stuck out from the thing on my back, as did several little scale things from the tubing on my flippers. I was rather sad, for a fleeting moment, that I had donned long sleeves to obscure this creativity. I untucked everything to look more frightful and removed my tie, wrapping it around what counted as my "forehead".

"Fear." I thought, as I looked to a mirror hung on the left side of the Scare Simulator's door. "Fear..."

If I was to be scared, I'd dress up as a bird drunk on Cream Soda. Wait, of course! THAT'S IT.
What's scarier than a drunkard? NOTHING! EVER!

I fished through my Inventory and found a really, really scary blonde wig. It looked like a mutated catterpillar. An attendant, clearly impressed at the mound of yellow fuzz, offered me some Google Eyes to add to it, as if I was a monster with several fully-functioning sets of eyes. I laughed and agreed to do it. Okay, my suit was already a mess, but brown wouldn't do. I needed a black business suit. Finding one, I then took the tie back and tied it as sloppily as I could. I unbottoned my jacket and turned the vest inside out. I ruffled my feathers around my face and used some black and red face paint to awash my eyes in inebriation, and for the final touch, I found some cheap Halloween vampire teeth THAT GLOWED IN THE DARK and stuffed them onto my beak. With all of this in check, I felt like the most frightening "monster" ever. Grabbing that pole with the lantern, I smiled widely, plastic fangs bared and ready.Borrowing some tentacles (and duct taping several plastic bottles and cups of Cream Soda up and down my flippers), I practiced my swaying walk, did a few grunts and monster sounds, and rubbed my tentacled flippers together.

The thrill coarsed through my body and I felt as giddy as a chick as I prepared myself for the countdown. The door was opened and the lights thrown out. The console was activated, and I was ushered in.

It's go time.

CHAPTER FIVE: Into the Scare Simulator!

My "monstrously drunk businessman with a bad hair day" trumped everything I had ever dreamed it could me. Swelled with pride, I read the folder's instructions.




I placed the folder back in its office holder and was given the green light. I froze for a moment. Across the dark room, I saw the Console, and above its head, was a digital clock counting down how much time I had left. To the left of the Console were a mass of wires leading from the "bed" to a large meter that I had been informed was designed to measure just how great I could instill fear. That shouldn't be a problem.

I slowly waddled forwards, but stopped in astonishment. These bodily contraptions let me walk. I was not restrained by my lack of knees and legs. The sensation was alien. No, it was beyond alien. I wasn't just dressed like a monster. I felt it, and this thrilled me. The party's organizers really put effort into themselves. I adjusted to this odd method of unrestrained movement, silently wishing I could have chased down vandals and brats this way.I started moving after getting used to these powers.

Then, I paused. Uh oh. That seemed to be the first obstacle. My eyes weren't what they used to be, but I could easily discern that I was seeing a box. I knew not what was in the box, but I was informed that it was loud. I rapidly processed what to do. The boxes were laid in a horizontal line; should I have tried to go around them, I'd hit its partner. There was only one option. I had no choice but to jump! Jumping was never my strong suit. My escapades with Rocket Slug had forced me to do that, but my age and, well, my lack of ability to squat, bend, or do anything except thrust my webbed feet forwards limited how high I could jump. A normal penguin could get a few inches. Despite what I liked to think of myself, I was, bodily, a normal penguin.

I stepped back, using these nifty machines to step backwards (I mean, what penguin could do that without aid or years of training?), and took a running start. I had never moved that fast in my life. I leaped, and found that I had soared over the box as if it was a canyon. I decided in that split second, to try and double jump. Raising my flippers and thrusting them down, I felt my entire perspective diminish further as the ceiling roared closer to me. The fans, in silence, had succeeded in the impossible, not once, but twice!

I landed. My heart was surging. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE. I felt twenty years younger, I was invicible. I was a Super Penguin. I was unstoppable. I looked at the Console. It was right there. It was right in front fo me. I had to stand in the position where the recorders were placed, now.

My pulse was racing. My mind was rushing. This sort of excercise was nowhere in my usual job description. I was very hot and puffed out my feathers, trying to get a taste of the cold Antarctic air, bu to little avail. I had no choice, with all this excercise, to pant faintly as I wiped my brow with my left flipper.

Now, the task at hand.

"I... am a monster." I said, between heavy breaths. "I exude power and control. Fear is how I've run for a lifetime. Now, pretend this machine is AgentGenius..."

I took a deep breath, and thrust my rod with the lantern on the floor, jumping onto the console. I let out a great shout and bore those plastic teeth, flailing my flippers violently, continuing my piercing scream. This was the same scream I screamed at protestors when I wanted them to die. Well, not die, but... no, wait, that wasn't a stretch.

My throat ached as a bell rang. I directed my gaze to the left, where a large bar lit up.


The bar was loading. It was going to assess my abilities.


I was somewhat crestfalen. That's it? That's all a lifetime of power and control gave me? I'm sure little chicks reached that halfway mark!

I jumped slightly as the machine lowered and reset itself. A quick fanfare was played by the machine as the back door opened. I exited with a slight smile. The machine accepted my fright and cleared me for Level Two.
Placing my flippers on my side, I gave the machine a prideful nod and marched out of the Scare Simulator as if I had just taken back waht was mine in the Weekee. Sure, I was burning up (though cooling down worked rather well), but it was worth it. I'd have to press my old body if I wanted to play again, but that was not a question.
"Want" was an understatement. I lived for this game: I must play again!

I moved back to the front. The operator that had ushered me in before saw the thrill in my eyes and she smiled back, warmly.

"Congratulations, TurtleShroom. Please re-enter if you wish to play again."

I leaned slightly on the Scare Simulator's exterior, still catching my breath.

"That was incredible.. I feel so alive!" I responded.

"Yeah, most every kid playing out here have felt the same way, once they gave it a chance."

I nodded. Thank goodness I had given this party a chance instead of walking on the idea that some weird mega-conglomerate could rent a full island.

Of course, that was aside from the point.