Flail Goon

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Flail Goon

Born Snowzerland
Residence Voulge (most of the time)
Nationality Snoss
Alma mater Zurich University
Title Sergeant, Artillery Expert
Military service
Allegiance Snowzerland Flag.png Imperial Empire of Snowzerland
Service/branch Snoss Army Insignia.png Army
Rank Sergeant Sergeant
Unit Warmech Operator Squad (after the Slumolia Campaign)
Battles/wars Giant Swiss-Terrain Cookie War
Great Snowzerland War I

Flail Goon (real name: Newton Joole Howitzair) is the artillery expert of Mecha Goons. He operates the weapons systems of the Voulge and basically any other armed machine the Mecha Goons use to accomplish missions. Flail Goon is a former Snoss Sergeant, and not unlike his Kaiser, Flail has some manipulative tendencies.


Childhood discoveries[edit]

Flail Goon was born into a poor Snoss family. His father had a low-paying job at a chemical plant, and his mother was busy with four other chicks to feed. He was very short. Flail Goon quickly developed a Napoleon complex, determined to do anything to help his parents make ends meet. Unfortunately, he just couldn't find a way to do it. Then, one day, his father brought back some chemicals from work. Flail Goon decided to experiment with them. Carefully setting up a laboratory in the bathroom, Flail Goon mixed two of the chemicals in the sink.


The next thing he knew, Flail Goon woke up in a hospital bed. Apparently he had blown up the entire bathroom and severely injured himself. He had been out for a week.

However, Flail, ever the innovative, bright, young mind, quickly saw a use for this new discovery. He had heard of fireworks, which used controlled explosions for entertainment. Flail Goon decided to conduct more experiments to master the art, this time with much smaller amounts of explosive.

Eventually, Flail Goon was able to build his own firework-making kit. Using the tricks he had learned from his many experiments and tests, Flail Goon began hosting pyrotechnics shows. They weren't anything like a professional's, but they were impressive enough. The money was beginning to pool up, and the Howitzairs were soon able to afford better and better meals. Flail Goon, happy that he was helping his family at last, decided to extend his efforts and go to college. Using his pyrotechnical success and knowledge of explosives, he amassed his savings and was eventually accepted by Zurich University.


While at college, Flail Goon's Napoleon complex began to grow even further. Coming from a poor family, Flail was shunned by the other students despite doing well in his classes. So he set out to get them back. Flail took advantage of his classmates' flaws and began destabilizing all their relationships from the inside, a strategy that he would later use again while in league with the Mecha Goons. His prime advantage was his charisma and his attention to detail. With just the right way of wording things, Flail could unlock secrets from anyone and use them against them. Swiss Ninja, the leader of the country and also the forensics class teacher, noticed this and had a talk with him. Swiss believed that Flail Goon might serve him well in the Snoss Army, specifically through intelligence gathering and implementation of psychological warfare. Of course, those childhood experiences with explosives would help, also. Flail Goon agreed, and after graduating, he joined the military.

In the military[edit]

In the Snoss Army, Flail Goon quickly rose up the ranks. He breezed through military training as a Cadet, and by the time Swiss Ninja decided to invade Southwest Slumolia, he was an Elite Snosstrooper leading a squad of soldiers. Flail Goon was primarily concerned with gathering intelligence on the TaliBEANs' movements, and to do this, he decided to capture an important intelligence center -- called the U83R-$7R00D3L(0N -- in The Slums. After securing the $7R00D3L(C0N, Flail Goon planned to control the mail system of the city to make sure that no word of the $7R00D3L(C0N's capture was leaked out. Troops would patrol the Slums' perimeter to make sure no messengers got out, either. Fake military reports would be sent to the TaliBEAN generals to keep them convinced, as well as moving the TaliBEAN armies into positions where the Snoss Army could easily beat them. Once this had been done, Swiss Ninja's forces would be able to listen in on the TaliBEANs' war plans and foil them every single time, a huge step in winning the Slumolia Campaign. However, for this bold act, Flail Goon would need to be promoted to Sergeant by Kaiser Swiss Ninja. The Kaiser carefully read through Flail Goon's plan (well, it was more like skimming, actually) and gave it the green light. He thought it was brilliant and that it would give his army a huge advantage in the war.

The newly promoted Flail Goon initiated his plans. With over 100 squadrons now at his command, he quickly organized a battle strategy. A small group of 20 squadrons would be positioned at the back end of the city, backed up with artillery pieces and low-grade explosives. They would try to break through the newly-established wall protecting the Slums from attack by Snoss forces. The Slumolians would be tricked into thinking they were being attacked from behind and amass their forces there. Once the city was preoccupied with the "invasion" at the back end, the rest of Flail Goon's forces would split up into three groups and take the city by surprise from the other three sides. Using higher-grade explosives to quickly break through the walls of the Slums, the troops would march through the city and quickly secure it, surrounding the Slumolian forces from behind and trapping them against their own walls.

Initiating the plan[edit]

The plan started out well. In fact, ALL the Str00dels went directly to the back wall and left the rest of the city much less defended than Flail Goon had anticipated. The troops marched on. The other three walls were promptly dealt with and the Snoss troops marched into the city. However, the 20 squadrons at the back end of the city were having a very hard time. The Str00dels were tossing all sorts of bombs and pastries at them, and in a desperate move, one of the Elite Snosstroopers tried to fling an explosive over the wall, against orders. The bomb missed, and instead of hitting the Str00dels, it hit the U83R-$7R00D3L(C0N. The intelligence center, being built out of waffles and dried butter, was burnt to the ground. Flail Goon's plan had failed.

However, they had secured the capital, so it was too late to retreat. The Snoss forces claimed Slumolia's capital city. But Kaiser Swiss Ninja wasn't too happy. Even though the troops could still prevent news of the U83R-$7R00D3L(C0N's destruction from reaching the other TaliBEANs and still get useful military reports mailed to the $7R00D3L(C0N, Swiss Ninja had wanted to use the information already in the intelligence center as well. And since Swiss was a perfectionist, he labeled the plan a failure. Flail Goon wasn't demoted, but he was moved to another squad, the Avatar Warmech V2 operator squad.

Being assigned to the Warmech operator squad was one of the most dangerous jobs in the Snoss Army, and Swiss Ninja secretly hoped Flail Goon would "learn his lesson" while on the job. Instead, Flail Goon mastered the Warmech's weapons systems and soon became one of its best operators. When the First Great Snowzerland War erupted, Flail Goon was first on the job. During the invasion of South Pole City, Flail Goon manned the Warmech and played a key part in bringing down the gigantic fortress city.

Leaving the army and joining the Mecha Goons[edit]

Sometime after the end of the war, Flail Goon decided there was a much safer way of helping his country. He left the army to start his own weapons manufacturing company, producing mainly artillery pieces. Honing his skills with explosives, Flail Goon created new types of projectiles, such as programmable shells and smart bombs, and new artillery pieces such as auto-load cannons. The company's main customer was the Snoss Army, as Flail Goon was still loyal to his Kaiser and his country.

Within several months, Mecha Baron learned of Flail Goon's company and decided to see its products in action. Arranging a meeting with Flail Goon at a weapons convention, the baron informed Flail Goon that his weapons systems could assist him and the Mecha Goons in keeping justice throughout Antarctica, and offered him a position in the group. Flail Goon accepted, wanting a hobby to keep him busy away from work. (Gardening just wasn't cutting it.) Ever since, Flail has been managing the Voulge's weapons systems and helping the baron and Aviator G with building new weapons.

Involvement and Personality[edit]

Flail Goon is the Mecha Goons' residential artillery and weapons systems expert. He, in conjunction with Aviator G, designed the Voulge's exterior turrets and interior defense mechanisms, as well as the weaponry of all the Mecha Goons' other vehicles, bases, and robots. Being knowledgeable in psychological warfare himself, Flail Goon also assists Mecha Baron, Sergeant Volt, and Knicicle Goon in planning out attacks and offenses that are eventually executed by the Shock Team.

Being a former Snoss Sergeant, Flail Goon is naturally clever and devious. He's also very charismatic, and all of these traits make him very good at manipulating people. As manipulation is a key part of the Mecha Goons' modus operandi, Flail Goon plays a large role in the planning process, finding the target organization's weak points and figuring out how to use those points against them. Unfortnately, most of these manipulative tendencies carry over and are used on the group themselves. Flail Goon tends to sway the other Goons towards his opinion to get his way in the decision-making process, and it would appear that he has the lion's share of the control of the group. However, Mecha Baron has taken advantage of this. The baron pretends to less willful than he really is in front of Flail Goon, and seems to give in to most of his ideas. Really, Mecha Baron is just letting Flail Goon do the dirty work for him. Any ideas that Flail Goon has that Mecha Baron approves of are allowed to pass. Any ideas that the baron doesn't approve of are dealt with by a compromise. This way, Mecha Baron remains in total control of the group, and lets Flail Goon do all the actual controlling for him.

However, Flail Goon has a soft side. He is attached to his secret garden/seedbank, which he has cultivated in a remote room inside the Voulge. Whenever he's off duty and not fighting, planning, or causing mischief, Flail Goon is in his secret garden. Ever the responsible gardener, Flail Goon makes sure that his plants always look healthy and happy -- and that includes building customized gardening gadgets. Timers coupled to soil moisture sensors show Flail Goon when to water each of his plants. An air conditioning system and humidifier complex pump in varying amounts of dry and moist air. A system of mirrors and lenses automatically angle sunlight from the windows and shine it over the plants. (If there's no sunlight, reserve battery power kicks in and the plants are lit with artificial lamps.) Finally, a compost-generating machine in the corner is fed leftover salads and other trash from the kitchen to create compost, which is then pumped into each pot to provide nutrients for the plants. Flail Goon often checks on his secret garden around three times a week, making sure each machine is up and running and that no plant is left behind. Flail also TALKS to his plants. His garden is where he vents his stress and other feelings, and he tends to ramble on and on about his life. It's very awkward, actually. To make sure no one finds out about his embarrassing hobby, the garden is sealed with seven biometric locks.


  • Flail Goon is a loose parody of Mace Knight from the Kirby series.
  • He can relate to Fireaxe Goon very well, as they are both knowledgeable in the art of pyrotechnics.
  • Flail Goon, in addition to military service, helped Swiss Ninja's Propaganda Writing Board keep the Snoss Empire's citizens pacified. His experiences there help him and Mecha Baron plan psychological assaults on the Mecha Goons' targets.
  • The injuries from his childhood accident severely scarred Flail Goon's face and damaged his eyesight. This is why he wears prescription sunglasses -- to cover up his injuries and allow him to see normally.

See also[edit]