Great Darktonian Pie War

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The Final Showdown
Part of For Great Justice
TGDPW Cover.png
Date • March 30 - April 2, 2009
(3 days)
Location PBJT Valley
South Pole City
Ternville
Result • Darktonian Army goes into hiding
• Str00del Force receives Province of Pastry (later retaken by DTA as said above)
• Triskelle regains the Silmarils
• Possession of the Elemental Amulets changes
South Pole City and Ternville saved
Casus belli • Darktan and Professor Zlo Shroomsky agreed to battle at PBJT Valley for control of Antarctica
Territorial
changes
Darktonian Realm renamed Province of Pastry, later retaken by DTA
Belligerents
Shroomsky's Army
Jerks
Str00del Force
Dark Penguins
Rebel Forces
Darktan's Army
STINC
WishFlyX's Army
Demons
Third Day Covenant
Commanders
Professor Shroomsky
Luce
Darktan
Maledict
Triskelle
Finwë
• Ulmos
Ninjinian
J.Macworth
Strength
• 500,000 - 10,000,000 creatures • 1,000,000 - 5,000,000 creatures • 100,000 - 2,000,000 creatures
Casualties
• A lot of bruises, scars, wounds, pie stains, nothing too bad though. • PWNage, loss of dignity, bruises, scars, wounds, pie stains, nothing too bad though. • Nausea from cleaning product fumes, pie stains, nothing too bad though.
They fought with pies! Also the largest war where no one died.
Great Darktonian Pie War
Read all the chapters!

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19

See other features!

Archived Inclusions
Story Structure
Spin-off Game
Discussion



The Great Darktonian Pie War, officially designated "The Final Showdown" by the High Penguins, sometimes called Dagor Dagorath, is a last ditch attempt, with every good creature in Antarctica plus the Str00del Force, the Jerks, The Leader and Dark Penguins facing off against Darktan and his minions for control of the continent.


Professor Zlo Shroomsky had recently sued the Iluvat crown off King Triskelle, an event which shocked the High Penguin commmunity. The High Penguin council came to the conclusion that they did not belong in this new world any more, so every single High Penguin except Luce began migrating to their homeland of Arda.

Encouraged by the absence of his greatest foes, Darktan finally mobilised his troops and began marching towards South Pole City, intending to take it as his base of operations and declare himself ruler of Antarctica. Professor Shroomsky, realising the implications of what he had done, scraped together an army of all the good creatures in Antarctica and faced off Darktan at Peanut Butter Jelly Time Valley, near South Pole City.

And thus, the most epic battle in a millennium began: The Great Darktonian Pie War.


Event

And lo, a fungus shall sprout in the third millineum, one which shall cause more trouble in your courts than a dozen warriors... and his name shall be evil in foreign tongues. - Malcur

Prologue

In the beginning there were two deities whose names remain unknown, so we’ll just call them call them Steve and Dave. The two always argued, and due to some details that won’t be revealed until the 4th book in the series, Steve was deleted along with pretty much the whole planet they lived on. It was at that point Dave got this great idea. He was all like, “Let there be articles!” And lo there was a multiverse, and it was good.


Skip to a few millenniums later in the CPFW Universe, and was war is taking place. A war between the forces of good and evil, and all that other cliché stuff. The evil warlock Malcur was leading a rebellion against Finwe and his army. The reason for this was due to not being chosen as a master of the Elemental Amulets. This lead Malcur to create his own amulet, The Amulet of Shadow. This amulet possessed more power than all the other amulets put together, and many lives fell victim to its power. Eventually though, good triumphed over evil and Malcur was imprisoned in the Illuvat Void and yada yada yada.


Now that the exposition is out of the way, let’s move forward to the present day. It seems normal enough, just a penguin in a propeller hat walking down the street looking unusually happy. He appears to be holding a letter of some sorts.


“I can’t believe my luck today,” said the penguin. “I’ve been invited to the biggest party in Antarctica. Supposedly they’re gonna have models, cream soda, and models.”


The penguin held up the letter and looked at the address. He looked at several of the igloos, and saw that he had arrived. He walked up to the door and began to preen his feathers.


“I’ve gotta make sure I look my best. There’s no telling how wild things are gonna get in there.”


After his preening was done, he entered the igloo and ran towards the main room. Little did he know he would be quite disappointed.


“ALRIGHT EVERYONE EXPLORER 767 HAS ARRIVED! NOW WHERE ARE THOSE… Where the heck is everyone?”


Explorer looked around until he spotted a small note on the ground. He picked it up and read the inscription.


“Look behind you,” it said.


Explorer did as the note said only to find another note on the counter. He was beginning to get confused as to what was going on, so he walked up to the counter and picked up the note.


“Look under the counter.”


Explorer shrugged and looked under the counter.


“What a surprise, another note.”


He picked this note up and read the inscription.


“Be careful not to get a paper cut while reading this note. OKAY IF THIS IS A JOKE IT’S GETTING OLD!”


Explorer tore up the note and threw it on the ground. He then stomped on it and pounded it with his shovel. He was about to walk out of the igloo, when he saw that the doorknob was absent from the inside. This was getting too weird for him.


"I guess I’ll try the back door,” he said.


Unfortunately, there was no back door. He tried to climb out of the window, but it was locked, and the locks were covered with chewed bubble gum. He wasn’t about to touch those things. Some time passed and Explorer had pretty much given up finding a way out. He decided that he would just watch some TV, only to find that there was no remote.


“This is one weird house,” he stated. “How am I supposed to watch the TV when I have to keep getting up to change the channel?”


Just then Explorer heard a sound. It would appear there was someone else in this igloo. He picked up his shovel and got ready to defend himself if necessary.


“He-hello,” he said. “Who’s there?”


No one replied. Explorer the felt something touch his flipper. He looked down and saw another note.


“I really hate whoever owns this igloo,” he said. “I swear Mayor McFlapp, if I ever get out of this igloo alive, I’ll give up pranking for a week.”


Explorer picked up the note and began to read the inscription.


“Look up.”


Explorer did as the note said and screamed at what he saw. An anvil was hanging right above him from a piece of dental floss. He tried to run away, only to find that he’d stepped in a puddle of super glue. The last thing he remembered before he passed out was the anvil falling right onto his forehead.


After a few hours, Explorer awoke in some sort of vehicle. He was still a bit dizzy so he didn’t even try standing up, but he could tell that he didn’t need to do that to know that he’d been kidnapped. The question is, by whom?


His questions would soon be answered.


“Hey Explorer is that you?” Asked a voice.


Explorer slowly got up in an attempt to see where the voice was coming from. When he finally did get up, he was very surprised at what he saw. All around him were countless military trucks, tanks, ammo, and other things used in war. Eventually he saw that the voice was coming from the truck to his right. It was none other than his friend Tails6000.


“Hey Tails!” He called out. “Did they capture you too?”


“Sure did,” Tails replied. “I was told to come to this igloo to win a free car. Then I got locked in and knocked out by an anvil. How about you?”


“I was told there was a party. Wait a minute; you don’t even know how to drive?”


“Hm, you’re right. I don’t know how to drive.”


“Hey!” A voice called out. “I didn’t expect to see you guys here! Especially you brother.”


The two penguins then saw Fred 676 riding in a nearby truck waving at them.


“What’d they say to get you captured?” They both asked.


“I was supposedly going to be a substitute teacher. Then I was…


“Knocked out by an anvil,” Tails6000 finished. “It happened to us to. We still don’t know what we’re doing here though.”


“Who knows,” Explorer replied. “What I do know however is that when I find the idiot who’s behind all of this, I’m gonna…


“Where the heck am I?” Asked a voice.


The three looked around and eventually saw Speeddasher in one of the nearby trucks.


“Oh hi Speed,” said Explorer. “Still not getting any younger I see.”


“WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU PROPPELLER HAT FREAK!”


“Hey chill Speed,” replied Explorer. “You don’t wanna get a heart attack do you?”


“WERE YOU IMPLYING SOMETHING?!?!”


“Maybe I was.”


“Okay calm down both of you!” Fred yelled. “Right now, we can’t be arguing like this. We need to figure out what’s going on.”


“Fred’s right,” Tails replied. “So how did you get captured Speed?”


Speeddasher yawned.


“Well actually I didn’t get captured,” he replied. “I was just doing some training and I got really tired. It was a long way back to my igloo, and I saw one of these trucks nearby, so I decided I’d take a nap in the back of it. Then I woke up and found myself here.”


“Such laziness,” Explorer stated. “What sort of example are you elderly setting for the younger generation?”


“I AM NOT OLD!”


The argument was about to start again. But then the four heard a jet noise.


"Star, is that you?" Fred asked.


"Sure is," Star Kirby12 replied as he got off GoGo Jet. "I accidentally flew into a portal."


Suddenly, the five heard a voice.


“Attention all hostages! We have arrived at our destination! Please exit the vehicles and report to this location.”


Everyone then noticed that there was a printer in their vehicle and it began to print out a map showing them where to go.


“I guess we’re about to find out why we’re here,” said Fred.


"Guess so," Star replied.


“Well I just hope we don’t have to live in these trucks and start another hippie movement,” said Tails6000.


“Speed would know what a hippie movement is like,” said Explorer.


“You know we’re getting out of these vehicles now,” replied Speeddasher. “And I’ve been looking for something to test my new katana on.”


The moment Speed mentioned his katana, Explorer quickly ran away to the location on the map, and the others soon followed. The five noticed that there were a lot of penguins they knew, or had at least heard of in this crowd. Barkjon, Hat Pop, Railfan1, Richperson, and even Penghis Khan were all present. Eventually they came past a sign that read ‘’’“Welcome to PBJT Valley”’’’; a location which none of them had heard of until now. They kept on walking until they finally reached a large tent.


“I’m guessing whoever’s behind all of this is in there,” said Tails6000.


“Most likely,” Fred stated. “I suggest we don’t waste anymore time. Let’s go and see who captured all of us.”


Everybody walked into the tent only to see a face that they all recognized. The blue coloration, the oval face, and the cheeky smile. It was none other than Professor Zlo Shroomsky, who for some reason was wearing the Illuvat crown, which Triskelle usually had on, and a white military uniform. Standing next to him was Luce; the keeper of the Amulet of Light.


“I really didn’t expect him to be behind this,” stated Explorer.


"I’m glad you all could come," said the fungus. "Anyways, let’s get down to business. Welcome to my army."


There was a moment of silence, but eventually someone spoke up.


“What the heck are you talking about shroom boy?” Railfan1 asked.


“I didn’t sign up for this!” Penguin Micro squealed.


"This is really confusing, I don't even have my laptop!" Richperson said.


"Penghis Khan will smack you in the face with a mullet if this nonsense doesn't stop!" Penghis Khan yelled.


“Please calm down everyone!” Luce yelled. “The honorable fungus will explain everything.”


Everyone reluctantly stopped talking and Shroomsky began his speech.


“Perhaps I should explain everything that’s happening here,” the fungus stated. “But first, let me thank all of you for taking the time to come here.”


“We didn’t come here because we wanted to, you abducted us,” Speeddasher stated.


“Please hold all negative statements till the end of the speech. Or better yet don’t say them at all. Anyways, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, you’re probably wondering what you all are doing here.”


“YES!” Everyone yelled.


“Well it’s probably best to start at the beginning. Cue flashback!”


It was just an ordinary Monday morning. Puffles were begin walked, little chicks were in school, penguins to lazy to find jobs being kicked out of their friend’s igloos, the regular. There was however something different about this morning however. Someone was being sued. And that someone was none other than Triskelle. So what could he possibly be sued for? Something about the Illuvat I think. Let’s see how many Phoenix Wright references we can find in this shall we?


“OBJECTION!” Shroomsky’s lawyer yelled. “I believe that Triskelle is an unsuitable keeper of the Illuvat. I believe that I would do a much better job.”


“You wish!” Triskelle yelled.


“My client is the leader of the Antarctic Investigation Authority!”


“I’m the leader of country!”


“I WAS FROZEN TODAY!”


Everyone was blown away by the lawyer’s comeback, and poor Triskelle didn’t know what to comeback with. The judge then began to speak.


“Order!” the judge stated. “I need no more convincing after that incredible argument! I hereby declare Zlo Shroomsky as the new owner of the Illuvat crown! Court dismissed!”


Such power that one phrase can have during an argument.


Everyone in the courtroom then exited the building. Triskelle got into his car and went back to his house, still stunned at what Shroomsky had said.


Meanwhile Shroomsky and his lawyer were having lunch together.


“That was an incredible win,” Shroomsky said his lawyer. “Just where do you come up with these arguments?”


“I’m just that good I guess,” he replied.


“I honestly can’t believe I’ve never heard of you before. You could probably win any case you wanted to with such skill.”


“Well I don’t know about that, but still I am pretty good if I do say so myself.”


All of a sudden the lawyer’s cell phone started to ring and he had to pick up.


“Hello,” he replied. “You don’t say. Well I’ll be right there.”


“Have you got another client?” Shroomsky asked.


“You could say that. Anyways it was a pleasure working with you and I congratulate you on your win. Farewell.”


The lawyer then got up and ran down the sidewalk, while Shroomsky stayed behind and finished his lunch. Things seemed to be going quite well for the fungus. Unfortunately that would all change tomorrow.


Shroomsky had just woken up and he was feeling grand. It felt like one of those days that would be spectacular. One of those days with nice weather, hot babes, and an uplifting song playing in the background while he drives happily down the road. This however would not turn out to be one of those days. It certainly started out good, as Shroomsky went to have a nice long shower. Rejoice 0.0000000001% of the people in the world who wanted to see a mushroom take a shower. Your pleas have been answered.


“Mow mow mow!

And my heart starts pumpin

Chicka chicka choo wop

Never gonna stop!

Gitchie gitchie goo

Means that…"


The phone then started to ring and due to the ringtone Shroomsky could tell it was Melvin calling. He quickly wrapped a towel around himself and made his way to the phone.


“Hi Melvin,” he said. “What’s up?”


“No time to talk Shroomsky!” He yelled. “Just turn on the news! Channel 4 is the one!”


“Um, okay Melvin I’m turning my TV on.”


Shroomsky turned on the TV only to see a face the nearly everyone in Antarctica feared. Darktan Anator!


"…Yes citizens it would appear that Darktan has declared war on the entire continent and the surrounding islands now that King Triskelle has packed up and left after loosing to Shroomsky in the court case. It is unknown what will be done at this point, but I’m not even sure if Antarctica's Protectors can win a battle on this scale by themselves. That is all.”


The news broadcast ended and switched to some show about parents complaining about violent video games. Shroomsky meanwhile couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.


“So I take it you heard the news Shroomsky?” Melvin asked.”


There was no reply.


“Um, Shroomsky? You there?”


Little did Melvin know that Shroomsky had just passed out from the news broadcast. He felt incredibly guilty for unintentionally bringing Antarctica to ruin. One thing was for sure though. He had to stop this threat. But how?


“THAT’S IT!” He exclaimed as he began to dial a number. “Hey Luce, are you doing anything tomorrow?”


…So that is why I need all of you guy’s help.”


Everyone was rather upset with this explanation. They didn’t think it was their duty to fix Shroomsky’s screw up.


“Think about it,” Shroomsky announced. “Not only will I regain my lost honor, but we’ll be rid of Darktan forever. We can live in a world of peace, and I can be hailed as a hero by all. So what do you all say? Will you help me win this battle?”


’’’”NO!”’’’ A majority of the group replied.


With that, well over half of the group left to go back home, leaving only around a third of them left.


“Funny I expected some better results than this. Anyways thank you all for staying to join my army.”


“Well actually we’re only staying here because it’s sort of our job to save Antarctica from threats like this,” Explorer replied. “We don’t give a crap about your honor.”


Shroomsky’s eyes turned completely white and he nearly fainted.


“My honor is most important,” he thought to himself. “How can they not care about it?”


“Okay honorable fungus, let’s take you to your room now,” Luce said in a worried tone. “Everyone else can go and get ready for the big war tomorrow.”


Luce got out a wheel chair, and brought the near paralyzed fungus to his bed where he could get some rest. The others simply went to their tents to get a good night sleep for the big day tomorrow.

Chapter I: The war begins

The sun just had risen into the sky as the Army of Good arrived at the battlefield. As they stood on the cliff with their heads held high they could see the horrors of the Darktonian Realm. A gigantic castle surrounded by a 50 foot wall and purplish fog. It was certainly as eerie as the tales described it.


“This place gives me the creeps,” said Amigopen.


“I agree completely,” Fred stated. “Me and Explorer were always told by our old man never to go near this place. Kinda ironic that now we’re about to take it over.”


“Maybe we could hitch a ride on one of those trucks and escape while we still have the time?” Suggested Barkjon.


"No, that's just suicide," Star replied. "Escaping would just cause Darktan to rule."


“Well I don’t know about you all, but personally I can’t wait to fight these guys,” Tails added. ”I’ll finally get to test my strength against some of the most powerful villains in Antarctica.”


Explorer Pie Tank then drove up and Explorer popped out of it. He was wearing a military helmet with a propeller on top and a big blue E spray painted on the front.


“You had me at powerful enemies,” he claimed. “I've modified EPT. It's really awesome now. Comfortable seat, air bag, and a crap load of ammo.”


“So basically you’re gonna stay in that Pie Tank to protect yourself from all the real action?” Speeddasher said as he approached the others.


“ARE YOU CALLING ME A COWARD YOU OLD MAN?!?!”


“ARE YOU CALLING ME AN OLD MAN YOU COWARD?!?!”


Explorer jumped out of the tank and pulled his shovel out from his player card. Speeddasher saw that he was looking for a fight and got out his katana.


“It’s time we settle this once and for all you washed up samurai!”


“For your information I’m a ninja you half-pint prankster!”


The two charged at each other at incredible speeds, but before they could clash Fred threw two sharp 90 degree triangles at their heads. The two instantly collapsed and a bit of blood spouted out of their heads like a fountain. Yes, the triangle was so sharp that it pierced Explorer’s helmet.


“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!” Amigopen and Barkjon yelled at what Fred had just done.


“YOU TWO ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!” Fred screamed. “AT THIS RATE YOU TWO WILL KILL EACH OTHER BEFORE THE FIGHTING EVEN STARTS!”


Tails was just standing by laughing as Explorer and Speed lay on the ground with their eyes rolled back.


“Not cool Fred,” Explorer thought to himself. “What happens if that hot Anime girl I’ve been chatting with online hears that I got beat by my nerdy brother?”


“How dare he interrupt us!” Speeddasher thought. “A warrior’s battle is sacred, and interrupting it is a crime punishable by death! I SWEAR ONCE I GET OUT OF THIS STATE OF SHOCK I AM SO GONNA…


Hey, it appears Shroomsky has arrived and is about to make a speech. Let’s focus on that then shall we?


“This is a message to all of the penguins who have willingly stayed to become part of my army,” he began. “The foe we are about to face today is no ordinary foe. Infact, he is most likely more powerful than any enemy you all have ever faced. This enemy is none other than Darktan Anator.”


A majority of the army started laughing at the strange last name, but others new that this was no laughing matter. While Darktan may have a very weird last name, the power he received from the Amulet of Shadow made his power nearly unrivaled. Not only that, he also controlled possibly the largest evil army in existence. While not all of his minions were exactly what you’d call extremely powerful, the shear number of them at his disposal is enough to scare most penguins away.


“Okay, everyone please stop laughing so I can continue,” Shroomsky called out. “Thank you. As I was saying, many people might think that we don’t stand a chance. They might say that we’re crazy for attempting this, or we’re suicidal. Well you know what I say to that? Well minus the suicide part they’re probably right; we really don’t stand much of a chance against Darktan. However at this point we don’t have much of a choice so let’s go fight these guys and hope for the best.”


“Nice speech fungus,” said Clyde sarcastically.


Pretty much no one had been motivated by Shroomsky’s speech, which disappointed the fungus. They did however realize that they didn’t really have a choice on whether they wanted to fight or not at this point so they began their march towards the battlefield. In a mere half-hour, the biggest battle of the millennium would begin.


Meanwhile in Darktan’s Throne Room…


“Lord Darktan my liege!” A Dark Templar called out. “Our men on look out duty have spotted an enormous army slowly approaching our nation’s boundaries!”


Darktan was clearly uninterested.


“So someone has tried to challenge us have they?” He responded. “They must be suicidal to even dare come close to our fortress. Our attack isn’t even supposed to happen till tomorrow.”


“Sir, reports also say that they’ve spotted a short blue fungus leading the army, along with a tall yellow penguin who we believe to be the keeper of the Light Amulet.”


It was the last few words that caught Darktan’s attention.


“Luce is with them? I thought all the High Penguins had left Antarctica? That’s why we declared war in the first place.”


“Apparently she stayed behind my liege. Reports have also claimed to have spotted several members of Antarctica’s Protectors in the group. All of them are known for having strength that surpasses normal penguins by a whole lot. So anyways, what do you plan to do about the situation? Should I mobilize our troops?”


“No. We’re in no immediate danger from this army that pathetic fungus has assembled. He may have a few skilled fighters in the group, along with the light keeper, but it’s my guess the majority of them are penguins who have no fighting skill to begin with. Tell all of the men to hold their ground, but remain on guard just incase those novices try anything funny.”


“Yes my liege. I will do exactly as you say.”


“Also, I have another thing to ask of you.”


The Dark Templar listened intently. Darktan had begun to write a note and handed it over to the short penguin once he was finished.


“I want you to deliver this to the light amulet keeper. Make sure she gets it.”


“As you wish my liege. I promise that I will not fail you.”


Darktan watched the messenger as he ran out of the throne room. After a bit of thinking he got out his chess board and began to set it up.


“So fungus, you’ve decided to start the game? Well let’s see if you can finish what you’ve started.”


After he finished setting up the opposing side of the board, he eyed the king on the other side.


“You’ve made the first move by readying your entire army to fight him. I’ll be responding by sending in a mere pawn. Strategy is the key to winning every battle, along with the strength and number of your men. It just so happens that I win in both departments, so it’ll be interesting to see what tricks you’ve got up your none existent sleeve.”


Darktan eyed the chess board and began to set up his side.


“My pawns, my knights, my bishops, my rooks, my queen, and me the king. We’re ready for anything you try fungus. Let the games begin.”


I wonder what Metal Explorer would think if he found out he represented the queen? Feel free to put whatever joke you want to there. Anyways, it appeared Darktan and his men were ready for war, and it wasn’t gonna be easy for the army of good to take them down. What Darktan said about a majority of Shroomsky’s army being novices was indeed true. Things aren’t looking to good for the honorable fungus.


The army of good had at long last reached the battlefield, but now they were forced to wait for Darktan. Shroomsky had ordered them all to pose with their heads held high and their flippers on their waists.


“How long do we have to pose like this?” Explorer asked impatiently.


“For as long as it takes,” Shroomsky stated. “Besides this will make an epic picture for the story.”


“Hey honorable fungus I think I hear footsteps,” Luce said. “Can anyone see what it is?”


“With our heads held this high all I can see is the clouds. However it appears the action will finally begin. Pose abort!”


Everyone went back to their normal stance and they were only to glad. The sheer amount of time they’d spent in that pose had made their necks incredibly sore. Shroomsky then spotted what was approaching them.


“It appears to be a Dark Templar,” Fred guessed. “It’s waving it’s flippers at us like it’s saying that it’s not here to fight. My guess is that it’s a messenger.”


“Very well,” Shroomsky announced. “Tell him that he’s in no harm and that he’s free to come here. We’ll need him in good shape if we want to pulverize him later.”


Fred nodded and gave the minion the signal to approach. Eventually it reached its destination.


“I take it you have a message for me from Darktan?” Shroomsky asked.


“No actually Darktan could care less about you,” it responded. “This message is for the light keeper.”


“Me?” Luce asked.


“Yes you. I’m not sure what it says so don’t bother asking. Anyways I’ll be on my way now. Burn suckers!”


The small penguin then waddled back towards Darktan’s castle, leaving the army of good waiting once again. Luce was curious as to what Darktan would want with her. Without further hesitation she opened the letter only to be shocked by what she read.


“Is he serious?” Luce whispered. “This can’t be.”


“What is it Luce?” Shroomsky asked greatly concerned. “What does the letter say?”


Luce cleared her throat and simply smiled at the fungus.


“Oh it’s nothing honorable fungus,” she assured him. “It just says “you noobs are gonna loose lol”. So let’s get back in our poses and wait for the war to start.”


“NO!” Everyone yelled.


“Okay then let’s do something else while we wait. Any ideas?”


No one really had brought anything for entertainment along (seeing as they were abducted and all), so they didn’t know what to do. There was a moment of silence until they all heard a growling noise.


“What the heck was that?” Hat Pop asked.


“Oh, sorry that was me,” Tails6000 answered. “I’m so hungry.”


“YOU ATE THIS MORNING YOU GLUTTON!” Shroomsky screamed.


“When you run as fast as I do daily you get hungry more often.”


“BUT YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANY RUNNING AT ALL TODAY?!?!”


“Well I’ve got a feeling that I’ll be doing a lot today, so I’d better go back to the camp and eat something. I think I saw some more food in those crates that were in your tent Shroomsky.”


Tails was about to run back to the camp, but Shroomsky stopped him by slapping him on the head with a book.


“THOSE ARE OUR EMERGENCY RATIONS NUMBSKULL!”


“Well then I guess I’ll go see if there’s any food in that castle over there. See you guys when the war starts.”


“THAT’S DARKTAN’S CASTLE YOU IDIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOT!” Everyone yelled.


“I know that, and where there are castles there’s a king, and where there’s a king there’s chefs who cook for him, and where there’s chefs there’s food.”


Everyone fainted and Tails simply laughed.


“Guess I’m off then.”


Tails ran towards the castle and eventually everyone got back up.


“I’m gonna be in even deeper crap than I already am!” Shroomsky panicked. “We’ve gotta stop that stomach thinking idiot!”


“Not possible,” Explorer said.


“Agreed,” Speeddasher added.


“WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT POSSIBLE!”


“Believe me fungus,” Explorer stated,” we work together with Tails on a daily basis. There’s no changing his mind once he has it made up. The best thing we can do is send someone with him to make sure he doesn’t make the situation even worse.”


“WELL THEN WHO DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SEND WISE GUY?!?!”


“Well I guess I’ll go. After all I once did infiltrate the Walrus Crime Ring’s base, so I’m kind of a natural at this stuff. See ya guys later, and try not to die.”


Explorer floated through the air using Tittle, followed by EPT, leaving the others to sit and wait. I smell hijinks! Due to it being mostly filler though, we’re not gonna show you what happens here. If you do wish to see what happens however, please follow this link. But I digress. Luce meanwhile was still thinking about what the letter had said. She didn’t know what to think about it.


Meanwhile, in Ard Mhaca, the High Penguin officials were in the town centre. Now you may be wonder why they’re still here, but the truth is that they had never really left. It was all part of Triskelle’s plan for Darktan to believe that they had indeed left Antarctica.


“It appears that Darktan really bought our little act,” Triskelle stated. “Like I’d ever be tossed out of this country by that fungus.”


The chief stood, watching the various High Penguins who had come to join his army. A high wind was picking up, and King Triskelle was eager to get more troops before the snowstorm struck. He turned to Elessar, Will Whitefoot, Bodo Bunce, and other important military or parliament officials.


“We’re ready to leave whenever you are your highness,” Whitefoot said.


“Nay Whitefoot,” the chief responded. “This is not nearly enough men.”


“N-not enough!” Bodo exclaimed.


“Are you whack Trisk?” Elessar asked.


Whitefoot approached the chief and patted him on the shoulder.


“Your highness, I insist you reconsider,” the old penguin said. “We’re on a pretty tight schedule, and if we wait any longer there will be no Antarctica for us to save.”


“And if we leave now with the little army that we’ve gathered up, are efforts to stop Darktan will be fruitless, and our efforts will have all been for not,” Triskelle stated. “Besides, from what I’ve heard on this radio, Shroomsky has gotten several fighters that may even be stronger than us, as well as Luce. If we’re lucky they might finish this war before we even reach it.”


The chief then walked towards Bodo and Elessar.


"Muster me every able-bodied male and strong lad. You today only to accomplish this task I’ve given you. Tomorrow when the morning sun rises, we’ll trek through the mountains, and on the third we’ll arrive at the battle field. Darktan won’t be expecting a thing."


“But your highness,” Will Whitefoot asked puzzled,” are you sure that’s the safest route to take? After all, some of our men aren’t exactly the most experienced.”


“I’m well aware of that Whitefoot, but at this point any other route would take to long, so we really don’t have any other option. That is all.”


“B-but Trisk…


“That’s an order Elessar. I expect you to follow it to the tiniest exact detail. Do I make myself clear?”


“Y-yes your highness,” the three said.


They each bowed and slipped their armor on. Triskelle watched them as they rushed, and strayed into deep thought. He came to himself a few moments later and slipped his armor on, and sheathed his sword. Triskelle, before leaving after Shroomsky seized the jewels, had took all the amulets, except Light and Shadow. So, despite them being currently dormant, Triskelle took them.


"I certainly hope Shroomsky's big freak out won't cost Antarctica its freedom," Triskelle thought. “I understand why the others are worried about how little time we have, but if we don’t have enough men fighting with us, we may as well not go at all.”


It was a gray, overcast day. Darktan and his minions were marching from their realm, about to seize and expand their empire. Continental conquest was their goal. They knew the Antarctic citizens lacked any hope. However, the creatures of Antarctica refused to quit, whether the High Penguins did or not. Even the Dorkugese had left their homeland to stop the menace. Everyone who was anyone came to see this done. Darktan even agreed to start the "games" in ancient High Penguin custom. So it was done.


"Today is the day we finally defeat Darktan," said Tails6000. "I can't wait to see how strong I am against these Darktonians."


"Heh, most of them look like complete idiots," replied Speeddasher. "I mean really, he's got Mwa Mwa Penguins fighting for him. However, I can tell that a few of these guys might put up a half-way decent fight."


"Well I just wanna plow down some of those guys and look heroic," said Explorer. "Take it from me you guys, chicks dig a guy in a tank."


"I'm also sure they dig a guy who isn't wearing a propeller hat," replied Speeddasher.


"Hey, I'll have you know that I've had a lot of ladies go on dates with me because of this hat. Oh wait those chicks were gold diggers."


"You really should learn to pick your girlfriends better Explorer," said Tails6000.


"I know, I know. It's just all the hot ones are after your money."


Just then, Kwiksilver walked over, and told the three to be quiet.


"Be quiet for a minute you guys. Shroomsky is about to confront Darktan so that the war can start."


Professor Shroomsky, wearing the Iluvat Crown that he sued off Triskelle, and Darktan, the Ultimate Evil, faced each other at a stone cylinder.


Shroomsky Confronting Darktan


Shroomsky, as we know, is a stickler for formality. He did the prescribed rituals to the letter. The two faced each other off, and Shroomsky couldn't help but feel a bit nervous. I mean seriously, this is Darktan we're talking about.


"See that crown, fungus? It's mine. ALL MINE."


Shroomsky glared at the fearsome menace, but refused to back down. Granted, he wanted to run away with every spore in his body, but he didn't want to let the others know that he was scarred.


A High Penguin ghost, dressed in vertical black-and-white stripes, floated down to where Shroomsky and Darktan stood. The opposing armies stood on the banks of the Valley. They were both told not to attack until the ceremony was done.


"Penghis Khan is ready to kick tail feather. When can he unleash his Imperial PWNage?"


Luce glared.


"Hush, wee lad. This is tradition."


"Penghis Khan has no respect for your traditions! He only cares about PWNage and violence!"


Luce held a Scroll reading "Rules and Regularities of a traditional duel".


"You may not respect it, but you've got to follow it if you wish to fight in this war lad."


"Oh. Penghis Khan scoffs at your formality."


Luce cleared her throat. Down at the table, the two characters just stared. The ghost came out with a solid gold coin that glimmered even at night, almost as if infused with the Amulet of Light itself. On one side, a big smiling picture of Professor Shroomsky. On the other side, Darktan.


"It will now begin. This is not to be a petty snowball fight. He whose face falls flat on the dubloon has the advantage in choosing their arsenal."


They commenced a coin toss right there. The currency landed on Shroomsky!


"Luck is with you today, Fungus. Your two weapons of choice?"


Shroomsky looked at the sapphire box the High Penguin provided him. There were maces of all shapes and sizes, a golf club, a frying pan, some pie, dirt, fax machines, and a piece of paper with an interrobang on it ().


"I'll take the pie."


The villains cheered.


"...and the interrobang."


Silence.


Thus, the High Penguin ghost took out the pie and cloned it. Everyone received lots of pie. Several people had to tell others, "DON'T EAT THE AMMO!". The ghost pulled up the Interrobang.


"No creature is to be killed. None at all."


Both teams cheered. Well, except for Speeddasher, Darktan, Metal Explorer, Penghis Khan, ya a lot of people didn't cheer, but we gotta keep this story PG here.


"Penghis Khan scoffs at this pathetic weapon choice! He is not please at the choice the stupid fungus has made!"


"Don't underestimate these pies power lad," replied Luce. "You'll be surprised at what they can do."


"The board is set. Now the pieces must move."


The ghost turned to Shroomsky. He eyed the Crown.


"What be ye, wearing an important artifact? Where is the Triskelle, Son of Arvedui?"


"I sued for the Iluvat... And Triskelle surrendered and ran to his homeland..."


"Grace and luck be on your side, Fungus."


He then clapped his flippers together.


"May the leaders arise, and meet at the banks."


They did. The ghost started the countdown in Ancient Penguinian.


"Tre! To! En! Deilige søte bliss som gjør deg feit!!"


A buzzer sounded. The Battle of All Battles had started.

Chapter II: We're off to a bumpy start

Penguins picked up their pies. Villains picked up their pies and ate Doom Weeds for extra strength (cheaters). With a great, thundering roar, everyone picked up their pies and "natural talents"! This way and that! Pies flew everywhere! Shroomsky got smacked with boysenberry! Turtleheimer was spun around by apple! Then, Darktan threw a pie at Penghis Khan.


WHACK!


It was key lime. Penghis Khan hated key lime. Darktan shouldn't have done it. Khan yelled over the crowd, as pies flew everywhere. He took his Imperial Mullet and dragged it passed the front lines and deep into enemy territory. No one saw him. They were flinging magic, throwing pies, or (in the case of Explorer) flinging daggers. Khan took his Mullet. He walked straight to a big villain.


"Penghis Khan wonders who you are big furry creature?!?!"


It was Herbert Horror. He was standing, firing scalding beams of fire at any poor person within yards. Penghis Khan took aim and swung his fish.


WHACK!!


Herbert Horror fell like a snowman in a summer greenhouse. A ghost appeared in a white shirt, black suspenders and red bowtie. He started slapping the ground, screaming in Ancient Penguinian.


"Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!"


A mighty cathedral bell sounded. Herbert Horror vanished in a cloud of smoke, reappearing in a stone masonry structure, with the words "Taperne" engraved upon it. He was then frozen solid in Ditto, so he wouldn't attack other losers in the seats. Darktan raised a mighty flipper. He was just toying before. Since his right-hand-man just fell to Khan ("banke ut" is "knockout" in Penguinian), he immediately knew this fight was not going to be easy. He conjured up a massive pie and hurled it at Penghis Khan. It was bigger than five of him!


"Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!"


The bell sounded again. Penghis Khan was squashed like a bug. Luce turned to the audience.


"Wonderful, eh? Our most valliaiant cannon fodder warrior has fell."


"You obviously haven't seen us fight," said Explorer. "Tails you take the right side. Speed you take the left."


"Got it," they both replied.


Luce was shocked.


"You can't honestly think you can take them all on at once lads," she said.


"Hey, you're looking at three of Antarctica's most powerful warriors," said Tails6000. "We'll be fine."


Luce tried to stop them, but the three simply charged straight into battle. Speed began to try and make use with the pies he was given, Tails simply used a Pie Launcher upgrade he had G install into his buster cannon to take down a lot of enemies, and Explorer simply plowed through the enemies with EPT.


"In-incredible," Luce said. "The lads are much stronger than I expected."


"They certainly are something," Shroomsky added in. "They've fought for the continent more times than either of us put together. They truly are heroes."


Meanwhile...


WHACK!


Four Khanz Penguins, down, felled by one blast from WitchyPenguin! Four countdowns and four bells. Luce picked up a pie and screamed some chant. She flung it and it hit a random minion, who subsequently hit seventeen others. Eighteen countdowns, Eighteen bells. And then, another countdown and another bell. So far, the Good Guys were winning. That was going to change.


"It would appear as though I've slightly underestimated these penguins," Darktan said to himself. "No matter. I'll simply send in our most powerful warrior."


Darktan turned to the "Losers" area, and saw the villains. He knew that if he wanted to gain the upper hand in this war then he'd have to send in some of his more powerful minions.


"Metal Explorer, go and take care of those pests," said Darktan.


However, there was no reply. Darktan turned around and saw that Metal wasn't there. He didn't appear to be in the room at all.


"Where is he?" Wondered Darktan.


Darktan realized that he didn't have time to search for his second-in command, and simply decided to choose another minion to send into battle.


"SEND IN ROBO-GARY!"


Robo-Gary was turned on by Xary and walked onto the Valley. His flippers were like machine guns, rapidly firing pies at everyone.


"Destroy, destroy, destroy enemies of Lord Darktan!" Exclaimed the android. "All enemies of Lord Darktan must be destroyed!"


Darktan grinned.


"I doubt that he'll be able to win the battle, but he should at least buy some time until Metal arrives. Dark Templar!"


"Yes my liege," it replied.


"Go find where that robot Metal Explorer is. It's not like him to miss out on a battle where he can destroy penguins."


"Absolutely my liege."


With that, the Templar waddled off in an attempt to find Metal Explorer. Meanwhile however, the battle wasn't looking good for the good guys. Robo-Gary had begun shooting down various good guys, and the Emoticons were almost completely wiped out. Happyface, however, came prepared.


"I've been waiting quite some time to use this," he said.


He held "The Really Shiny Hand Grenade With A RollBack Function That Looks Like A Globius Cruciger But Isn't"!


"No!" Yelled Darktan. "That can't be what I think it is!"


"You want it?" Asked Happyface. "It's your's my friend, and no coins are required!"


Happyface tossed the glittering heirloom straight at Darktan, but he quickly put up a force field and caused it to ricochet towards the side of good. The things exploded and it took out the remaining Emoticons, Barkjon, and around seventy-eight penguins.


"Hold it!!!" Explorer text messaged to the narrator from inside his tank. "Doesn't the grenade have a rollback function?"


That it did. The fighters who had disappeared were now back on the battlefield and ready to fight. Hooray for rollback features!


"I despise those grenades," said Darktan under his breath.


At the same moment, Robo-Gary was continuing to fight. He'd done a considerable amount of damage to the side of good, and he didn't look like he was about to stop anytime soon.


"All enemies of Lord Darktan must be destroyed! Destroy! Destroy!"


Just then, he spotted a wounded solider on the battlefield. His right foot was hurt, and because of this he couldn't move. Robo-Gary wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to destroy him.


"Destroy! Destroy!"


"No please don't shoot. Please! NOOOOOOOOO!"


Right before Robo-Gary was about to fire until Explorer came driving towards him on EPT. The robot attempted to evade the machine, but it was to late. EPT transformed and shot a fireball at the android, leaving it extremely damaged. Darktan was less than pleased with this.


"That's one down!" Yelled Explorer. "I just took out on of the Conclave of Doom Members!"


"Nice. I see you've improved in controlling!" EPT replied.


"IM-IMPOSSIBLE!" Yelled Darktan.


Explorer starred at the wounded solider, and Tails6000 then dashed towards him and lifted him up.


"I'll take this guy back to safety Explorer," he said. "Remember to save some of these noobs for me to fight."


"Heh, don't worry. Those Painful Bears over there are all yours."


Tails then dashed off towards the medical tent, and the war continued. All of a sudden, the tanks holding Happyface and Barkjon shattered, and the two came out full armed and ready to fight. They released Ditto Vapor that stunned about 16 other baddies (mostly STINC soldiers).


"EAT OUR DITTO SPRAY YOU STUPID STINC GOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Yet, they were STILL out numbered! Bad guys abound! Pies kept on flying. Creatures fell. Bells rang, and it wore on. Judge Xavier waddled up on the front lines and threw his prized Gavel. It clobbered Witchy Penguin, but she got up before the ten seconds were up. However, her broomstick wasn't as lucky. Witchy Penguin was now vulnerable.


"I'll take care of this hag if you don't mind judge," said a voice.


Judge Xavier turned around and saw Tails6000 running back to the battlefield with his buster cannon ready to fire.


"NO! NO! NO!" Yelled Witchy Penguin. "Don't ruin my beautiful face! Don't!"


"Don't worry about it, I'll try not to overdo it."


With that Tails shot a beam from his cannon that sent Witchy Penguin flying. She ended up landing a few miles away and was unable to rejoin the fight.


"I guess that's one down," said Tails.


Darktan using Manny as a weapon

Darktan became angrier. The three members of the Conclave of Doom were now out for the count. Metal was still nowhere to be found, and he desperately needed to trim the good guy's numbers. He thought about it for some time until he finally got an idea.


"Manny Peng," he said.


"Wes, what is it Dwarktan?" Asked the Mwa Mwa Penguin.


"How would you like to assist in fighting these penguins?"


"Me dwon't know. It seems pwetty...


"Just come over here!"


With that Darktan used telekinesis and picked up Manny Peng. He lifted the Mwa Mwa Penguin high above him. It was screaming like a maniac.


"I ONWY THWEE! I ONWY THWEE!"


The faster he spun Manny, the more it screamed. Then, he hurled it. Manny spun like a football, clobbering hundreds and hundreds of penguins, as the spinning freak was also guided by Darktan's mighty abilities. Shroomsky just lost half the army thanks to Manny Peng. He had to pull back his army before they were toast. The pies kept flying as well.

"CRAP!' Yelled Explorer. "That stupid Mwa Mwa Penguin just took out half our Pie Tanks. I just hope we've got good insurance on them."

Chapter III: Hi, Billy Mays Here!

Near PBJT Valley
4:28 PM, September 15th, 1901

"Is he doing any better doctor?" Asked Triskelle.


"Physically he's as fit as ever," replied the doctor. "But he refuses to eat, drink, or even sleep. All he wants to do is sit and think. If he keeps this up, I'm not sure how much longer he'll live."


Triskelle was quite worried for his friend, but he thanked the doctor and then went to check on him. His friend's room was dark and wasn't in quite good condition.


"Theangol!" Yelled Triskelle. "You've got to get out of this depression! What are you doing anyways?"


"I could ask the same thing to you Triskelle?" Replied a voice. "It's not nice to come barging into someone's house without permission."


Theangol then appeared from in the darkness and starred at his friend. He had near pitch black feathers, and he was quite tall even for a High Penguin.


"I'm simply concerned for your well being Theangol. Your daughters have been worried sick about you ever since...


"Ever since Goldberry died. You don't need to remind me about it. She always knew how to make those two smile, and she was the best wife anyone could ever hope to have. I'm far from being the world's best father, but if there's one thing I can do it's give my daughters a good future."


Triskelle was confused at what Darktan was saying. He then noticed that Darktan appeared to be experimenting with several plants on his desk. The were purplish-green, and appeared to be withered. Triskelle imediatley recognized them.


"Are-are those...


"Are they Doom Weeds? Yes they are. I've been paying some botanists take a look at them. From the information they've gathered, it's possible that these little plants may be more than just inconveniences in a garden."


"Theangol, you know very well experimenting with those plants is illegal! You remember what Finwe said about them didn't you?"


Theangol simply laughed.


"When are you gonna get it through your thick skull Triskelle. Finwe is holding us back. He thinks that every crisis in the world can be solved peacefully. Now I'm pretty sure we all wish it was that way, but it's not and I'm not waiting around to see how many more of our people have to be slaughtered before that old coot finally decides to face reality!"


"Th-Theangol. This isn't like you."


"So my question is, are you in Triskelle?"


Triskelle was confused.


"What do you mean am I in?"


"I mean, are you gonna help me end this war or not?"


"If you think I'm going to help you with this Doom Weed project your sponsoring you're sourly mistaken."


"Why? Don't tell me you don't want freedom from Khanzem. Don't tell me you you don't want revenge for what they did to your mother. If you join us, we can send Khanzem packing and be the heroes of the confederacy. So I'll ask it again, are you in?"



The two armies retired to their camps at sunset. Most of the night was spent treating injuries and making battle plans. None of them expected what would happen in the morning.


At dawn, Professor Shroomsky's army awoke to an unusually warm atmosphere (it was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit). In contrast, Darktan's lines saw an immense amount of fog and temperatures of -80 degrees Fahrenheit.


The battle resumed at 9:30 AM. Everything went pretty much the same as what had happened yesterday, with the exception of the fog around Darktan's army, which was reducing their visibility to a 1.25 foot radius.


At about 10:15, a loud crash of thunder was heard coming from Darktan's lines. Explorer and Star, who had the privileges of flight, soared up above the battlefield to see what was going on.


A large line of dark, gray clouds was approaching the field. As Explorer and Star watched, a bolt of lightning zapped through three clouds and struck one of the taller STINC soldiers. Then it began to snow.


Without warning, a gale-force wind stirred up, blowing the snow everywhere and further reducing visibility. The reading on one of Explorer's pocket thermometers fell rapidly, as did the reading on his handheld barometer. Just then, a small icy hailstone bonked Explorer's hat, Tittle, on the rotor. Explorer didn't even see it coming because the curtain of snow was so thick. Through the blinding waves of white that surrounded him, Explorer was able to barely make out the outline of a city skyline on top of one of the clouds with Star's help. Star then realized what was happening.


"Aw, come on!" he yelled above the roar of the wind. "I should have known this was going to happen; I read the script two weeks ago! It's Mayor McFlapp's doing, isn't it?" he asked the narrator. There was no reply.


"Ah well, we'll just have to find out for ourselves!"


With that, Explorer and Star, despite the blizzard and showering hail, shot off towards the looming cumulonimbus cloud with the strange flickering lights.



Billy Mays demonstrating the power of Oxypie


Darktan shot a beam of auras straight into the oncoming clouds. It penetrated straight through the storm, cutting clean through a third of the squall line.


Visibility was slightly restored; the army of Evil advanced.


Suddenly, an air horn pierced through the valley.


A lone Bean Human walked up the banks, facing the battle.


"Hi, Billy Mays here, demonstrating the power of Oxypie."


The creature held up a purple colored pie.


"It has the stickiness to cure even the toughest in evil stains."


He tossed the pie. It clobbered an STINC minion, who was out for the count.


Billy Mays continued.


He took a pie from a Dorkugese penguin nearby.


"See how Oxypie topples an STINC infantrymen in comparison to the leading brand of weaponry!"


He threw the pies at two STINC minions. The Oxypie flew faster and hit harder.


"The secret is the special fluids baked into the pastry! Watch how they connect and stick to the enemy's feathers like glue!"


Mays hurled the pie at Manny Peng. The Mwa Mwa Penguin fell and the momentum sent him back ten feet, knocking two STINC soldiers with it. Three bells and countdowns.


"Now that's the power of Oxypie!"



The Dark Templar returned with Metal Explorer back at the Darktonian Realm.


"Metal! Where were you this whole time?!" Darktan yelled.



Alright, we're gonna terribly break the Fourth Wall: Backstage, Explorer and Mayor McFlapp were in the Narrator's Office laughing over hillarity of their newfound spoof of Billy Mays and OxyClean.


"ROTFL...... seriously, Mayor, did you really come up with that all by yourself?" Explorer asked as he chortled uncontrollably. "I mean, Oxypie???? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!"


As Explorer burst out laughing all over the carpet, Mayor McFlapp continued typing at his Narration Organ.



"This Oxypie the human speaks of seems to be more powerful than I thought," said Darktan to his minions. "We must stop this at once."



Metal Explorer snickered as a evil grin came over his face.



"I can take care of that, oh wise and great Darktan."



The robot took off using his mini jet pack feet and flew into the battle. In his flipper he held a rather large pie. The penguins below saw it, and some even screamed.



"This should take care of these pesky penguins."



The robot let the pie go sending it to the ground. It hit 20 penguins, covering them in a strange substance. It was light green with a little dark purple in it. No one knew what it was. When the penguins tried to get up, though, the sticky liquid held them to the ground. It felt like oil and was almost as sticky as Oxypie.


"MOMMY!" yelled a Khanz Penguin.



"Save us!" cried a Dorkugese Penguin.



Everyone who wasn't busy fighting was worried. Billy Mays, however, just smiled. He then pulled out yet another strange contraption. Professor Shroomsky and Luce looked curious.



"What is that crazy advertiser doing now?" they asked the others.


Billy Mays then walked up to where the large pie had landed.


Billy Mays demonstrating the special cleaning power of Kaboom


"Stuck to the ground by a sticky pie? Then you need the special cleaning power of Kaboom!"



He held what appeared to be a container of cleaning supplies. He then sprayed some on the pie that had landed on the penguins and it surprisingly dissolved away.



"See how Kaboom cleans up Pie stains compared to the leading brands! When you're on the battlefield, you want the strength of this cleaner! Billy Mays Guaranteed."



The warriors then cheered and clapped. Metal Explorer, however, was furious.



"Impossible! How dare you question the Power of Lord Darktan's pies! You will be sorry!"


Just then, Blizzard threw a pie up at the crazy robot. This flung him back to Darktan's castle as fast as a snail tied to a rocket.


"Mayday! Mayday! Fire the pies!"


The battle continued as more pies were flung, and more penguins were being freed by Billy May's new weapon, Kaboom.


The Beastector then sent in larger, stickier pies.


Billy Mays continued, holding the Kaboom.


"The secret is the iodizing bonds! Kaboom has a special chemical formula that can remove any stain, from grape juice to pie, guaranteed!"


He sprayed free the others.


Darktan, now enraged, conjured up a pie the size of sixteen Herbert Horrors. He flung it, and it smashed over three-quarters of the army of Justice!


A High Penguin spirit was counting down from ten.


Billy Mays laughed and called in a tractor trailer that was hauling a full load of Kaboom.


"IT HAS THE STRENGTH TO WIPE AWAY THIS FULLY LOADED, MULTI-SURFACE PIE THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN MERE SECONDS!"


The tractor trailer dumped its load of Kaboom. It washed over PBJT Valley, and wiped everyone free! Darktan's new pie was useless! He immediately reverted to the old pie that knocked people over.


Oxypies and cream pies continued to fly everywhere. Explorer continued to laugh at the advertising puns while Mayor McFlapp continued to type.

Chapter IV: ROOOOOOAAAR! Magma Puffle Attack!

Darktan growled more and more. His army appeared to be loosing thanks to Billy Mays and his new weapons. An Abyss Knight approached him.


"Oh wise and noble Darktan, our armies are getting what I like to call creamed. We need to bring out more troops."


Darktan turned and walked over to the knight.


"It appears it is time to bring out one of our last lines of defense. Release the Magma Puffle."


A Doom Knight saluted Darktan and pulled a large metal lever.



Shroomsky confronting the Magma Puffle

The side of justice was winning. With Billy Mays' products, and the power of Mayor McFlapp's trump card, nothing could stop them now. But happiness would soon change to fear. Just then, a cage opened, releasing a huge twenty-meter-high beast that appeared to be completely made of Magma. He roared like a pack of hungry Leopard Seals, and then spoke in a extremely deep voice.


"ROOOOOOAAAR! Magma Puffle attack penguins and defend Lord Darktan's castle!"


Penguins everywhere screamed and ran in different directions. Professor Shroomsky was frozen with fright. He stood still and looked like a Puffle about to be caught by a Skua.


"Wha, wha, wha..... what is th-that thing?!?!?!"


Luce gently patted him on the back.


"The strange human creature has the situation under control. For the time at hand, at least."


Poor Luce was wrong, for Billy Mays was running around like the other warriors were. Apparently he had no type of weaponry to stop this enormous creature.


Richperson was at G's lab, when Happyface called for assistance.


"We'll send Tobots X and Y over there."


Hearing Person's conversation, G immediately started X and Y's engines. "Remember, Luce and Shroomsky are very high in importance. You are to follow their orders no matter what."


X and Y arrived to see many of the warriors in panic. They transformed into Tobot Titan.


"Greetings," Titan said. "Waiting for command."


"Just try whatever works and see if it does!" Shroomsky said in a panic.


"Alright, let's give it a try. Storm Spin!" Titan replied as he fired a Storm Spin at the Magma Puffle. The Magma Puffle rolled over once but then resisted the blow.


"ROOOOOOAAAR!!!" the Magma Puffle roared. "DESTROY ROBOT!"


The Magma Puffle tackled Titan, melting his suit.


"I believe Tobot Z is still in the lab?" Luce asked Person in a communicator. "Please send him here ASAP."


Z arrived just in time and transformed. Following Luce's orders, he summoned the Spider Gun and fired. The shots simply melted.


"Unfortunately that thing looks like it's covered in complete magma, was what they said," Z said in a panic. "Doesn't look like that will work."


"It appears that the Magma Puffle is working most effectively," said Darktan as he smirked. "Even their robots can't handle the force."


Then a pie covered Metal Explorer approached Darktan.


"Ah, being such an evil penguin is hard work, isn't it, my robotic minion?" said Darktan as he patted the robot on the head.


Rolling his eyes, Metal Explorer huffed.


"You've got it easy."

Chapter V: Reinforcements Prepare

Up in his office, Mayor McFlapp was getting ready his sophisticated retaliation.


"Tell the scientists that I can't wait for long," he barked into the speaker-phone beside his Organ. "Oh, and meet with Admiral Gee, eh? Tell him riverdog, advance on treewalloper or rivermouse! He knows what t' do, wot! Thanks, Becky! You're the best secretary a Mayor ever had, wot! Bye-bye now!"


Explorer could not help but overhear. Riverdog? Treewalloper? he thought as Mayor McFlapp returned the phone to its holder. Perhaps it was all some sort of code...


As Explorer watched, the Mayor picked up a small walkie-talkie and spoke into it.



"Rally the citizens," he said. "Now."




"Arr, arrr ye Ninjas. We must be a headin' t' this pie war. They’ll need all th' help they can get thar,"proclaimed Ninjahopper. "Any questions ye be needin' t' ask?"


A overly excited student raised his flipper in the air and hopped up and down.


"Yes ye grasshopper?"


"ZOMG-YOU'RE-ROCKHOPPER-AND-YOUR-A-NINJA!!!! He yelled excitedly.


Ninjahopper rolled his eyes at the students who were now jumping all over the place asking him to sign autographs in haiku.


"Argh, why t' I e'en bother?"


The Ninja Master-to be then exited the Dojo with the few sensible Ninja students and headed to PBJT Valley. Little did they know though that Metal Explorer was hovering over them silently.


"Arr, we be on our way t' PBJT Valley, Arr," Ninjahopper sung.


Metal Explorer just grinned in a way similar to how Mabel looks on the Musical about her.


"Sing now penguin," whispered the robot. "But you won't be smiling when you see the Magma Puffle. If of course it's still there when you arrive."



Far away from the valley and Ninjahopper, a blinding snowstorm raged through Ard Mhaca. On the rooftop of one building, the blurred silhouette of King Triskelle could be seen holding a crackling walkie-talkie.


"*fixzz*--*pop*--Rall--*ping*-y the b--*ffzz*-ally citizens, w--*xxzvff*--ot! I'm about t'--*fxzzivping*--jolly well sh--*fvvxzz*--ow Perw--*xvczff*--inkle the flipp--*cwhshvzfxxzz*--in' ammo! Come on, n--*shwshfzsxvc*--ow, go, go, go!!!--*ca-weep--fhzzxvczz*" crackled the walkie-talkie.


King Triskelle paused for a moment, trying to understand the static message, then tucked the walkie-talkie into his inventory. He took something out from his player card, pressed a button, then teleported in a bright lime green flash that was eventually lost amongst the thick curtains of snow.


A couple of penguins looked straight ahead, and saw a penguin on a ski boat from the nearby sea water. The ski-boat crashed onto the shore and an orange penguin jumped out of the boat riding a Turbo-Bike. He skidded the bike in front of The Good Guys and took off his shades, his bandana shining in the sun.


"Have no fear, Ninj is here!"


"Finally!" sighed a penguin. "It's Ninjinian!"


"No time to chat, brother, we've got pies to shoot!" ignored Ninjinian. "I haven't came all the way from the UnitedTerra just to watch some penguins throw pies! I want some action!"


He paused.


"Over here, boys!" Ninjinian shouted. At first there was nothing, but them they could hear a rumbling sound. At least 50 or maybe even 100 penguins stopped in front of them. "I bought the Zero Reverse Army if you don't mind."


"Sure, it's OK!" said a penguin.


"Ah, my dear friend." Spoke Professor Shroomsky.


"Hello, brother!" replied Ninjinian.


"We haven't got much time, though, so we need to continue!" said Shroomsky.


"Don't worry, brother. I've come prepared." bragged Ninjinian, and the Zero Reverse Army held up there Pie-Launchers.


"It's go time, boys . . . . "


The army & Ninjinian threw pies to the STINC minions as they dodged the pies and fell to the ground.


"Boys, meet the Pie-Launcher. It's a catapult which you can co-ordinate where to launch pies."


"Great job, Ninj!" thanked Shroomsky.


"No problem, brother. Now lets finish this off."


Ninjinian didn't know what would come to him, but he sensed that something would go terribly wrong very soon.


King Triskelle's High Penguin Army setting up camp

King Triskelle had rallied as many able bodied penguins and strong lads he could. He caught up to the other High Penguin officials, at the ruins of Permothylae.


"I bring five hundred from Northfold, Friend!" Elessar said.


"Seven hundred more from Snowbourne!" Bodo Bunce proclaimed.


"Sir, we have six thousand spears altogether." Will Whitefoot sighed.


"Six Thousand? That will not be enough to defeat the lines of the Darktonian Realm.."


"Sir-If I may say.." Will interrupted.


"No, you may not. We have till nightfall, then we march." Triskelle retorted.


The camp began to pick up the pace, and everyone began to get ready. The smithies were being crowded, the puffles being fed, everyone was readying themselves for war.


"Six Thousand..." Triskelle mumbled, watching the first lines move out.


"Arr, we be walkin to PBJT Valley, arr arr arr!" Sung Ninjahopper.


The Sensei Apprentice and his students had been walking for hours but it was still along way to go. Despite being an experiment and not a Ninja from Diamond Falls, Speeddasher accompanied them to be of assistance.


"I just hope Blizzard is alright. I had some experience with penguins like this 90 years ago.”


"Don't worry," replied a student. "The little guy survived years in the mountains by himself. He can survive a few days out at war."


"Look on the bright side!" said another. "Ninjahopper is finally happy."


Speed just rolled his eyes.


"Ya think. Wait until we have to tell him that in order to get to PBJT Valley we have to sail across the ocean (Ninjas live in Club Penguin)."


Ninjahopper, not hearing what Speeddasher said, just continued singing and marching across the mountains. Surprisingly none of them realized that Metal Explorer silently followed them.


"It'll be nice going outside of Club Penguin. The mainland sounds cool." whispered on student to another.


"Does our master know he's going to have to cross over the sea to get to the mainland?"


Metal Explorer made an evil grin as he popped his head out of a nearby bush. The robot was very stealthy though and no one saw him. His phone attachment started to ring and he answered it.


"Metal Explorer we need you back at the battlefield now. I sense Kwiksilver is approaching."


The robot laughed quietly as he starred at the Ninjas.


"Darktan, I respect you and want to serve you as much as possible, but honestly he's just a penguin. What harm could he.....


"LISTEN HERE BOLTS FOR BRAINS! YOU EITHER GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'LL SELL YOUR PARTS FOR CASH!"


Little did Darktan know that the reason Metal Explorer was acting so weird is that he was entering his rebellious mode. In this mode he wouldn't listen to anyone and would only do what he wanted.


"So, are you coming back or......"


Metal Explorer hung up and continued to follow the Ninjas.



Chapter VI: POTASSIUM!

Back on the battlefield, the Magma Puffle was still wreaking havoc. Even Tobot Tritan's Super Spider Gun had no effect on it.


"WROARRRRR! MAGMA PUFFLE DESTROY PATHETIC PENGUINS!!"


The beast actually seemed to be getting larger as it consumed numerous Pie Tanks and Trees. But then it went for a nearby building that looked kind of out of place next to a battlefield.


"That thing grows bigger every time it eats something!" claimed a penguin. "We've gotta stop it!"


Just then the creature swallowed the structure (no penguins were inside, thankfully), and it grew to an enormous size. In fact it nearly took up the whole battlefield.


"ROOOOOOAR! MAGMA PUFFLE ATTAAAAAAAAAACK!"


Things looked bleak, when suddenly the Magma Puffle was pelted by... bananas?


"Kwiksilver!" Shroomsky shouted.


Kwiksilver came running over with Sprocket and Sentinel, who was holding a huge box.


"Take these!" Kwiksilver called.


Sentinel chucked the box, which somehow caused it to blow up and scatter some odd-looking weapons to everyone on the side of Good.


"What are these?" someone asked.


"They're Banana Blasters!" Kwiksilver replied. "No time to explain, just start shooting!"


Everyone started shooting at the puffle. At first, nothing seemed to happen.


The Magma Puffle getting shot with Banana Blasters

"WROARR! PUNY LITTLE GUNS DO NOTHING TO MAGMA PUFFLE!" bellowed the Magma Puffle.


Then a curious change came over the great beast. It turned a brilliant yellow and it's eyes widened. It toppled backwards into Darktan's army, out for the count.


"What just happened?!? You can't just knock out a beast like that!" screamed Darktan.


"I see where you're going with this," Fred said. "Bananas are an excellent source of potassium. Magma Puffle is just a giant Lava Puffle, isn't he?"


Darktan was silent. So were the armies.


"Lava Puffles can't handle potassium, it is their immune system's weak point. They get knocked out on contact. That Magma Puffle will be unconscious for about two days, and we'll defeat you in that much time, hey?"


"YEAH!" A giant cheer erupted from the army of good. The fighting started up again.


"Have at you!" The side of good continued firing again.



The Ninjas arrived just in time to see the Magma Puffle collapse. The Magma had turned into a yellowy substance that resembled a Banana Milkshake.


"I guess we missed all the action," said one of them.


Just then a pie hit one of them on the back causing them to collapse. Ninjahopper and the others looked behind them to see the STINC Army with some weapons they had stolen from Tail's Igloo.


"You sure about that noob? "Asked a STINC Member jokingly. "The action seems to have just begun."


Just then Ninjahopper approached their Leader. He had an angry look on his face and he held out one of his cards with no picture on the front.


"Argh, ye better not make me use this," he growled.


The STINC Warriors simply laughed as he held up the card. One even poked him, and then they laughed even harder. Ninjahopper didn't even budge, and continued to look more serious.


"Bring it on old man!" One yelled.


Ninjahopepr smirked as he threw the card to the ground. For awhile nothing happened and the STINC started laughing again. However the laughter was soon turned to terror.


"OW!" One of them yelled. "Something just hit me on the head."


The STINC looked up to see hail falling down only on them. They started to scream and ran all of over the battlefield. Ninjahopper laughed and his students looked amazed.


"What type of Card is that?" One asked


"Argh, it be a special card that only Senseis and their eventual successors receive ye students. It can do whatever ye want, with some limitations though."


The STINC Warriors continued to run and the Ninjas quickly followed them. But one ran back to Ninjahopper before going to fight.


"ZOMG-YOU'RE-ROCKHOPPER-AND-YOU'RE-A-NINJA!"


"AAAAARGGH!"

Result

Coming Soon

Trivia

  • Luce claims that this was the fabled "Dagor Dagorath" (the Battle of Battles).
  • A game was released in Freezeland about it.

See also