Guy Who Holds the Coffee Maker

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Guy Who Holds the Coffee Maker
At last, I have-a the purpose in my life-a!
Title Bureaurcat Charged with holding the Espresso Machine
Gender Male
Race Penguin
Faction BOF, FWL 2, BOFC 5
Health Seems to have some deformities
Level Hot and smells good (I'm talking about his coffee, by the way.)
Status Working
Location In the break room in the Bureau of Fiction near the Department of Surveillance theater hallway, where Benny makes creatures watch horrible videos of what happens when folks defy him.
Occupation Bureaucrat
Holding the coffee machine. No; really. His job is to hold the coffee machine.
Interests Coffee, small-talk, conversation, getting noticed.
Friends New employees, Hermeshroom
Enemies Downsizing, red-tape cutting
Archetype Good

The Guy Who Holds the Coffee Maker, also called The Coffee Guy, or, by his real name, Bitffan77, is just another member of the sprawling Bureau of Fiction's hierarchic, structured, often-impractical employment ladder. His actual department is unknown, because all he does in his shift is hold the coffee maker in the breakroom near the Department of Surveillance's movie theater (used for scaring new employees with Benny videos at his demand).

You read that right. His job is to hold the coffee maker. He holds it, and that's his JOB.


Coffee Guy hails from Snowzerland, where he worked in a little coffee shop that was bought up by Snowbucks in 1992. In order to become more efficient, they fired him and several other employees, and while that helped the company's profits and service, it put many penguins out of work. Calls for efficiency seemed to follow him, as he was always laid off for downsizing. Coffee Guy longed for a company that could hire as many creatures as they want, and far more than they need, and even if it slows them down and requires five days to do some simple transfer of rights, at least he could keep his job!

It was on a day as he was waddling home, in 1994, that he discovered an entrance to the Bureau of Fiction. He always thought they existed, but really didn't pay attention elsewhere (L2 FW power).

When he fell in, he was welcomed by name (to his shock) and was given a tour of the facility. He was disappointed when he learned there were no openings, but the BOF said they had a place for him anyway. Since one of the DOS' breakrooms didn't have enough room on its counters for a coffee machine, they decided to have Bitffan hold it, as opposed to doing the smart thing and getting a little end-table or something similar.

Thrilled to have a secure job, Bittfan77 now spends his days doing exactly what one would think he would do: hold the coffee machine and make small-talk to passers by.


Bitffan remains in this same spot, waddling around only for breaks or as long as the cord can extend, reliably and happily toting his coffee machine whenever he's on the "job". He, despite looking sort of ugly, is a very friendly and punctual employee, having not missed a day of work since he was hired.


Along with the Stampers Five, Coffee Guy receives the unfortunate status as the textbook definition of "overstaffed bureaucracy". This Italian-accented penguin is known as the absolute depiction of stupidly unneeded jobs. Couldn't they just hire an end table? No, they had to offer a penguin a job! Wasteful!

1994 was the year that Bitffan77 was hired and also the year that many employees had enough.

Many employees have, over the years, protested the often useless positions and items in the Bureau. Their uproar rose to a peak in 1994. In response to the commotion, a committee to study BOF bureaucracy was formed (BLISTERING IRONY) and staffed with seventeen penguins that took to studying the corporate overstaffing. Their report surprised the company: the Bureau of Fiction could, in fact, function more efficiently with but one-third of its lower bureaucrats!

The trustees, officers, Boardmen, heads of departments, extremely high Master-secretaries, and Masters convened to discuss who to fire and how many... -but their meeting was interrupted by hypocritical masses of bureaucrats- the same who wanted efficiency -protesting for their jobs! The Board terminated the meeting... -but not the committee.

To this day, both Bitffan and the Committee on the Reduction of Bureau of Fiction Bureaucracy remain in the company. The Committee publishes a report every quarter on what could best be cut. Every time, the Stampers Five, Bitffan77, and themselves appear on the list somewhere, though all others shift around and make the list or not. Naturally, no one acts on this list, so the problem remains and will probably never change.


  • Holding the coffee machine gives-a Bitffan a purpose in life-a.
  • At last, I have-a the purpose in my life-a!
  • Another-a day, another-a filter!
  • Coffee?
  • *makes coffee emote*
  • Why have-a the end table when you can have-a BITFFAN!
  • It's-a harder than it looks-a! Sometimes, the plug comes-a off, and Bitffan's 'gotta go put it-a back in. Other times Bitffan has to clean-a the pot and he's-a always changing the filters!
  • I love-a standing still all-a the day long. (That comment isn't sarcasm.)


  • He seems to have something wrong with his left eye, a weird mustache, and a squat stature.
  • He has references to "Eario" from Explorer's favorite comic, Brawl in the Family.
  • He actually loves his job, which may be stranger than the job itself.
  • The concept for this character was based off of an opinion from TurtleShroom's paternal grandfather, regarding the United States' Postal Service. He claimed that the system was top-heavy, overstaffed, bloated, and that "they had a guy that just stands there and holds the coffee maker". While it was a joke saying they have too many unneeded employees, his remark was parodied and played for laughs in the concept of Bitffan77.

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Interested in learning more about bureaucracies? The CPFW's got you COVERED!