In Which We Purchase Automobiles

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In Which We Purchase Automobiles
Things are going to go sour.
Story information
Genre Comedy
Form Novel, third-person omniscient
Protagonist Austin8310
Antagonist "Honest" Joes, One and Two

In Which We Purchases Automobiles is when Austin8310 is given money to buy a car from his employer, Swiss Ninja. Hilarity ensues when the used car salesmen are infighting and try to scam him out of his money in exchange for overpriced, broken cars.


A black limo pulled into South Pole City, right into a downtown parking lot. Austin quickly jumped out.

"Here, take the money. Register in your name, the USA feds will kill me if they find me out here!", said a paranoid Swiss.

Austin acknowledged him and quickly ran towards the closest dealership, Steve's Icysler Dealership, selling cars made by Icysler and the often poorly treated used cars of trades.

Here, the salesmen were glued to the windows, watching him like a hawk, waiting to jump in when he inspects a car. A large floating stalk was rustling in the wind, with an arrow attached. By it were new automobiles like the new 2012 LeDerp and and a '93 City and County which looked like it had been abused by a soccer mom and her children.

Austin looked up to a nice green car, a 2002 South Poler.

"Oohhhhh, automatic transmission, power mirrors, heated seats..." He mumbled as he was stupefied by the price tag of 30,000 pebbles, less than the 50 thousand Swiss had given him.

A sales manager jumped out and smooth talked to Austin.

"Boy, you sure look kinda scruffy," the sales manager known only by his name tag of "Steven Jones" of the epnonymous dealership said, "but since you're looking at a nice car, I thought I'd show the latest and best of Icysler luxury."

The dealer escorted Austin towards a huge Icysler 500, almost big as Swiss' limo. The dealer said it could be had for 60,000 pebbles, but Austin was convinced he wanted one despite this.

"Gee, this looks awesome, but can I drive it?" Austin asked Mr. Jones.

"Sure, let me ask Edna to get the keys..."

Steven walked back and let Austin within the driver's seat. The large bench seats had rusted, but he had wooden blocks attached to the pedals, but this did not scare him one bit. He turned on the ignition and the engine made a loud monstrous growl. Austin put it into drive, slammed the accelerator, and turned the wheel with his flippers. The sales manager was convinced this would be an easy sell.

"So, can you afford this?" Steve asked.

"No, but is there any way I can pay this stil?" Austin replied.

"Well, you can pay this in bi-weekly installments for 7 years, all in 500 pebbles."

"Wow!" Austin was clearly not doing the math.

"So, is it settled?" Steve asked.

"Not yet. I'm gonna look around more."

"Yeah.... you do that."

Austin strode around the dealer with Steve.

"So... what's a luxury car?"

Steve strode him over to a tiny compact car.

"This is a car we got from a trade, the Roflola Hyaloplasm is an efficient, solar powered--"

"LUXURY, STEVE. LUXURY. I'm not a complete idiot. Here, take this money and show me a good car."

He handed Steve his money. Steve's eyes lit up like a Demon Penguin in a furnace, and he grinned evilly.

"Why don't you try the....err....SPECIAL LUXURY VEHICLE!"

He grasped Austin's flipper and hauled him over to another card. This one looked very shiny on the outside. Austin swept his flipper over it.

"This vintage, classy '89 Icysler Oldbasin will transport you with style, room, and horsepower. All for 55,000 pebbles, but maybe I'll see about reducing the price for a special customer like you."

"Hmm! Nice. How about the inside?"

The salesman jumped into the car.

"See, these seats have <oof> platinum <ouch> seating! And see these holes? These holes are bullet holes. It's a real historic car." said the salesman, trying to ignore the big crack in the windshield.

"Err....if you say so."

"And look at this! See that stiff steering wheel? That's precaution! It keeps you from turning too much."

Austin grasped the steering wheel and tryed to turn it.

"A bit stiff, isn't it?"

"Well, yes, but that's because it's a safety precaution. DEFINATELY not because it doesn't have power steering."

Austin looked around.

"What's that smell?"

"Eh...that's...a...unique...air freshener!"

"It smells like old pizza."

"HEY LOOK! A DISTRACTION!" said the clever salesman, pointing out the window. He threw the box of old pizza out of the back of the car.

"Hey, that smell went down."

The smooth-talking salesman gestured to the back seat.

"See this? See how those seats are all different color? Those aren't stains, those are modern art, painted by a Cult of Weirdology member!"

"Err....I thought they liked purple. Not greenish orange... -and don't they think modern artists blew the universe up or something?"

The salesman rubbed a flipper on the back of his head.

"Did I say modern art? No, no, I meant OLD ART!"

"I thought modern art were just overpriced splatters scribbles that Penghis Khan could do, like these."

"You're a Khanz. Since when did your kind know about art?"

Austin rolled his eyes. The salesman changed the subject, not wanting to lose this sucker.

"Why don't you start her up?

Austin sat in the seat (which poked him in the rear), and hit the pedal.


To be frank, it sounded like Swiss Ninja snoring at night.


"Uh, is this the proper sound?"

"OH YES! The additional clattering means that the engine was just cleaned!"

The salesman swept him away with a broad flipper, while grinning the traditional con artist smile.

The dealer drove back into the dealership, and parked the car. They both hopped out and Steve decided to discuss the sale with Austin.


"Maybe. Could you do me one favour?"

"Sure, anything for the customer!" Steve nodded, with a fake wink.

"Drive me to the closest GM dealer. I want to do some comparison."

"Well, OK... here's my card if you need me though!"

Steve passed Austin his poorly written business card, with typos and eye-searing typography, then transported him to the GM dealership, just 15 minutes up from where they are.

"Your middle name is Joe?" Austin asked.

"Sure thing!" replied Steve, smiling a false smile.

Pulling into the the GM dealership- Honest Joe's Gaston Motors Dealership -the first thing they noticed was a large sign on the window of to the building. Next to it was a penguin, peeking out the window. Austin read the sign aloud.

"Gaston Motors is currently under federal conservatorship and is being restructured under the supervision of His Autocineti, Tsar Jones. The government is working its best to make sure every dealership is up to code before it returns ownership to the private sector. Regulatory law requires this sign to be prominently displayed at all GM dealerships."

He then read the next sign. It had a large "F" on it. Joe the conartist was making a cutting motion across his neck. The penguin in the window caught the gesture.

"This dealership has not met the standards of the Automobile Department of the Ministry of the Treasury, due to impure behavior on part of the owners. Please excercise extreme caution when buy-"

Austin stopped. The big "F" sign was gone.

"Hey! Where'd the sign go?"

"Uhh... they took it down to clean it! It meant nothing."

"What about that big red 'F'?"

"It's F for FANTASTIC, dear customer!"

Austin looked confused as Steve pulled into the Gaston Motors lot. A penguin came out to greet him... and he looked exactly like the other guy. The only difference was that he had a "2" stitched onto his shirt, while Steve had a "1" on his. He just noticed that.

"Wow." Austin remarked. "Are you guys twins, or something?"

The twins looked at each other and then back at Austin. In unison, they spoke.

"Not in the slightest."

"My name's Joe," said the salesman with 2 on his sweater. "Steve's been an old friend, and we've been competeting like friends!"

Joe Two, as Austin called him. approached Austin.

"WELCOME TO GASTON MOTORS, currently under ownership of the government of the United States of Antarctica! If you can trust the feds, you can trust us! How may I serve you today?"

"I'd like a luxury car," Said Austin. "One that's really swanky but affordable."

Austin noticed his sack of cash felt lighter. Indeed, "somehow" someone took 2 thousand pebbles out of it.

To be continued...