It Followed Me Home

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Like so many in Club Penguin, be it tourists or residents, TurtleShroom (penguin) took part in the Club Penguin Expedition 2011. Like so many penguins, he found a shock in the end. Unlike others, the shock made him wish he didn't go.


My family's stance has been reaffirmed, and my belief against them has only been strengthened. I knew they were evil. As sure as oil flows within the ground, I knew it all along. I shouldn't have read the notes laid out in those weird trai-


-now, where was I?
By the fat rolls of Glenn Beck, I can't get anything done now that- *crash* -IT took up residence.
What is IT, you ask? This temporary thorn in my side, you wish to know how it came to be?

Well, I'll- *sound of plates shattering* -tell you. Right after I get this leash and tie it to a wall.


Chapter One: Hi Hi Hi[edit]

"Stupid TurtleShroom. Stupid well-drawn TurtleShroom."

We see a cave, not unlike what Herbert would have used back in days of old. An ugly penguin, as flat as paper, is pacing back and forth. Practically a black pear shape with eyes and a beak, it could pass for a penguin if-



"YEAH. I KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE. You don't have to tell the audience..."

The nerve... NO MATTER.
The penguin was Lawl. He may not look like much, or like a penguin really, but he commanded Fourth Wall power in a level not unlike Mayor McFlapp, and unlike that nutty tern, Lawl used the magic aspect a lot more than any other.

"What did Master TurtleShroom, or Miss Tammy, or anyone of those buffons do to deserve all the praise some shower with? We all know they're corrupt, sprawlingly powerful, and arrogant. Heck, the bird's grandfather is a psychotic bus driver of..."

Lawl stopped, chuckling a bit and rubbing a flipper on what would be his neck. He turned to face the Fourth Wall, Explorer style.

"Uh, heh... 'course, they're not written yet, so I won't spoil it for all you."

He winked, and went back to his pacing.

"There must be some way I can drive the no-good TurtleShroom Jones insane. Some how..."

Lawl used his powerful Fourth Wall magic to conjure a BOF-made list of TurtleShroom's weaknesses and hatreds. Scanning it thoroughly, he found what he was looking for, and laughed. Having a knowing mind beyond the scope of this CPFW universe, he was fully aware that Club Penguin was conducting an Expedition for Member penguins. Thanks to his mighty BOF powers, he knew, before the rest of the universe spare the bureaucracy, that something that would really get under TurtleShroom's feathers lurked at the end of the expedition... -and he knew PRECISELY what to do.

Lawl waved his flippers around and conjured up a minion. It was an obese black puffle with a propellor on its head.

"YUP YUP." it said.

"Propellor Puffle," Lawl commanded, "I need you to get to TurtleShroom and make him go to Club Penguin. Also, your name is now Black Man. I've decided it's much cooler than Propellor Puffle."


"Is that all you can say?"


Lawl looked at the stalactites of the cave and mumbled.

"Why don't you give the villains a good minion more often? You gave Zone to them... what am I to you, a second rate villain?"

A voice from nowehere and everywhere, with a strange accent, responded.


Chapter Two: Yup Yup[edit]

TurtleShroom wondered around the halls of his palace holding a large slice of key lime pie, enjoying every bite of it. He did eat a lot.

He was lost in his thoughts when he became horribly startled by a shrill, painfully high, piercing voice.


The pie fell onto the floor as TurtleShroom covered what would constitute as his ears. A geeky female penguin ran up to him. She seemed to be a foot shorter than him and a good bit younger. Her jet black hair was tied into two pigtails that seemed to match the sweatervest and skirt she had on. Thick glasses covered her eyes, and she wore a sash in a similar means to TurtleShroom. This was Tammyshroom, TurtleShroom's youngest sister, and sometimes, she could be a hassle.

"Brother," she said, not having to pause for breath, before continuing in that shriek of a voice she possessed. "I have to warn you. All of that eating will make you fat!"

Like the rest of his family, Tammyshroom was honest; brutally, brutally honest.

"I've said it once and I shall repeat it to my grave. I have been eating big for almost thirty years, Tammy. I'm not overweight, and I will not become fat by doing this. I don't excercise. I have more important things to do with my time."

"Uh-huh." Tammy said, rolling her eyes to the heavens.

"I do! There's censorship I must take care-"

"Did that yesterday, brother."

"True... well, there's always my vote on Mattress Village's city counci-"

"Impeached for several months after the whole Weekee Staff incident. The emalfs you used?"

"Oh yeah... well, what about-"

"TurtleShroom, take it from a girl who knows, all right? I'm the most active member of this lazy family, and I can assure you that excercising is worth the effort. Don't you know that big program Club Penguin rolled out about excercising?"

TurtleShroom scoffed loudly.

"Do not remind me."

"Well, I happened to be interested in your health, TurtleShroom, even if you're not. Our family vows to look after each other, and today, I'm doing that for you."

Tammy is a stubborn penguin. She isn't likely to change her mind. She smiled, then, her voice returning to its usual piercing-but-cheerful tone.

"That's whay I took you the liberty of buying a bicycle for you!"

TurtleShroom glared.

"It's for your own good, brother. MobileShroom as going to get it, but he already has a car, and you can't drive."

"I've got two webbed feet that are not torn and a player card that can assist in directing me to any direction I so prefer."

"Yeah, and you use that card a lot."

"So? I reiterate: this is not your business."

"I'm not going to stop, TurtleShroom."

The dictator sighed.

"Fine; fine. If I ride the stupid bicycle, will you cease your burdensome nagging?"


"So be it. I'll ride the bike for twenty minutes, and then I'll go and do something else."

"All right."


"You'll thank me for this, brother."

"Not likely Tammy, not likely."

TurtleShroom began grumbling as he took the bicycle and carried it outside. He removed his crown and donned a helmet, preparing for a long ride.

That was when Lawl's minion showed up.

"YUP YUP!" it shouted, diving low for the dictator. It stopped short of him, and smiled a stupid grin as TurlteShroom dismounted the bike to get a look at the thing. He glared sharply.

"Glory be," TurtleShroom said, his deep voice dripping with sarcasm, "A money waster is going to be burdening me on this ride."

It wa sno secret that TurtleShroom's family hated puffes. Especially the talking ones.

"What's your name, puffle?" he said coldly. Reading the tag, he sighed.

"Black Man? Really?"

Before he could do anything more, the fat puffle lunged for TurtleShroom's bike and grabbd it, flying off with it in its crooked teeth.


"BLACK MAN STOLE MY BIKE!" TurtleShroom shouted.

He paused.



TurtleShroom looked back to the front doors of the palace. Tammyshroom was leaning against one of the doors, giving a strong glare from behind her glasses.

"Umm... what I intended to say was......... Oh no. Black Man stole my bike. I... I must persue! Larceny, and all that stuff I usually scream when theft occurs..."

Tammy nodded and made the "I'm watching you" gesture with her flippers, not catching the brutal sarcasm in her brother's voice. (TS relatives are so gullible that they can even fall for their own siblings' sarcasm.)

"Well, I guess I know what I'm doing today." TurtleShroom mumbled.

Chapter Three: Club Penguin[edit]

Black Man continued giggling as he flew towards the exit of the Clubb Phengin Weekee. TurtleShroom persued, by now having taken off his helmet and placed back on his crown, already getting winded.

"I need a ride northwest!"

For a few seconds, all was quiet, Then, far out in the flats, possibly miles away, a quiet shout echoed to TurtleShroom's hearing.

TurtleShroom's pupils shrank in fear.

"NO. NO. NO, I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE!" TurtleShroom shouted to the air, hoping whatever shouted "Wahoo" would leave. He waited, and nothing happened. No bus was coming, and he sighed with audible relief.

"I need to be more careful!" TurtleShroom said to himself, shivering. "One wrong move and it will return."

TurtleShroom decided to get his chauffer and the limosiene and take off. Within minutes, they were on the highways, after that fat puffle and his bike.

Hours passed, and the Lawl minion eventually led to the coasts of Sub-Antarctica. Club Penguin was close by.

"It's taking me to Club Penguin..." TurtleShroom said ominously. "Oh well. I need the vacation."

They pulled up to a pier, and the dictator got out. Thanking his chauffer, he loaded onto a boat full of other common tourists. The ferry was crowded and smelt strange. A horn went off, and the boat began to head to Club Penguin.

TurtleShroom sat down and rested his beak on one of his flippers, sighing at this annoying day. He blamed Tammy and puffles, but mostly puffles. How he hated puffles.

Time passed, and soon, the ferry began to enter the territorial waters of Club Penguin. The PA system ordered everyone to remain totally still as they passed into CP's Server line. The transition went smoothly, as always, and they found themselves in one of the Traditional servers. Black Man was right overhead. As the ferry pulled into the Dock next to the Hydro Hopper boat, everyone was let out as the boat extended its loading and unloading ramp onto the frozen landscape. It theb backed up and sailed off. They could leave by taking an Industiral or Commercial Port ride; the TCP ferries were one way.

Immediately as TurtleShroom stepped off, the fat, flying puffle dropped TurtleShroom's bike into the snow. He waddled over to it and sighed with relief as he stuffed it into his inventory.

A non-member nearby saw TurtleShroom do this. He wore a simple belt from one of Rockhopper's visits, nothing more and nothing less.

"DUDE!" he shouted. "That is a SWEET BIKE!"

TurtleShroom cocked what might have been an eyebrow (if he had eyebrows) and frowned. He remembered what "dude" meant, and continued with the conversation.

"I noticed you're a Member, man. Can I be your buddy?"

"No thank you."

The non-member frowned. He looked at TurtleShroom with sad eyes.

"No Member ever befriends me."

TurtleShroom felt guilty, but then he had an idea.

"Sir", he said, "I may not add you, but I can do this."

The Non-Member perked up. What was he going to do?

"Would you like my bicycle? It's not EBUL material; I can certainly give it to you."

The other penguin smiled.


"Of course! I have no use for such a contraption anyway. I'd be honored to give it to you."

TurtleShrom withdrew the bike and equipped it, then handing it off to the Non-Member, who quickly stashed it away. TurtleShroom shook the Non-Member's flipper.

"It's a pleasure to be of service."

"No dude, the pleasure's all mine! Thanks!"

"Ah, and I have one last thing for you." TurtleShroom said, smiling. He reached into the pocket of his musty brown coat and pulled out a slip of paper.

"Present this pass at any participating Puff Flags for one free visit and all purchasable items half off. Travel expenses not included."

"WOW. How did you get THAT?"

TurtleShroom smiled slightly and shrugged.

"I know people."

The Non-Member nodded.

"Now, one thing I ask of you."

"Sure! Anything!"

"Is there anything new occuring around here?"


"What is it, my good bird?"

"I've heard of this SWEET Expedition thing set up by the government to chart more of Club Penguin. There's apparently an island, a maze, some sort of machine, a cliff, and life jackets! 'Course, I haven't gone to see it yet."

"Impressive! It sounds fun!"

The Non-Member nodded. TurtleShroom smiled.

"Would you like to come with me to journey on this?"


TurtleShroom nodded.

"Oh, and about that buddy request..."

"Hold on, I've got new mail."

The Non-Member turned around to check his postal box.

"TurtleShroom would like to be your buddy. Do you accept?"

The Non-Member grinned and consented.

"Ah, so your name's Plotdevice? That's a new one."

"Yeah. My parents thought it was cool. TurtleShroom's cool too."

"Yes, yes it is. It has a long history to it, too. See, I have a last name and-"

"How about you tell me on the way to the Expedition?" Plotdevice interrupted.

"So be it."

"Man, you talk fancy."

"It's who I am." TurtleShroom winked physically, also using the 'wink' emote for further emphasis.

Chapter Four: Apartheid[edit]

Plotdevice and TurtleShroom waddled to the Dock together. Two flags lay limp, barely moving in a faint breeze, and an arrow directed them to this new adventure of sorts.

"Well, what-are-ya waiting for?" Plotdevice said as he waved to TurtleShroom. TurtleShroom shrugged and followed in.

They found themselves at the edge of a coastal taiga forest. Mighty evergreens loomed far above their heads just off to the distance. By CP standards, this was the Glade, or more commonly called a clearing.

"Huh. I guess this explains why you can't see the shore from the Town."

TurtleShroom nodded, processing something he never really thought of before. Whenever he vacationed in Club Penguin, he never really stopped to look at the natural beauty around him. This was yet another time.

As TurtleShroom contemplated, Plotdevice ran over to a cardboard box containing free items.

"TurtleShroom, look! Fuzzy caps!"

TurtleShroom waddled over and looked at the caps, holding his flippers behind his back and standing straight, in that usual judgemental position. He was about a foot over Plotdevice's head, considering that most CP residents were Adelies. Plotdevice put the cap on his head and turned to TurtleShroom, smiling. TurtleShroom, in turn, aquired the same hat and held it in his flippers as Plotdevice looked on. He smiled, almost in a sense of nostalgia. He'd seen this hat before... in an oil painting hanging in Mattress Village City Hall.

"Plotdevice, in my hometown, these were called 'Coonskin Caps'. One of the town's founders wore one."

"What do you think they're made of?"

TurtleShroom's smile vanished.

"Uhh... you know, I never thought about that." TurtleShroom rubbed a flipper on the back of his forehead. "I guess they're made out of the skin of coons. It would certainly explain the phrase 'coonskin', right?"

"What's a coon?"

"I think it's some sort of mutant puffle. With a tail." TurtleShroom poked at the tail on the hat for emphasis.

"Oh. Awkward."

"Indeed it is..."

TurtleShroom stashed away the hat.

"Well, I guess we'd better enter the forest now!"


The two walked towards the entrance of the expansive, unexplored forest. About to enter, a chubby male penguin in a black blazer sportscoat and, oddly, a bolo tie, wearing a black fedora and a pair of sunglasses, jumped out of a bush and in front of Plotdevice. A second, female penguin with brown hair tied into some sort of side-ponytail, not wearing anything else accept sunglasses, also jumped out. Each were wearing necklaces with badges on them and, in some manner, were carrying the "Member badge".

These were EBUL Sentries!

For a moment, there was nothing but silence. Plotdevice scowled. He may have been present on Club Penguin for but three weeks, but he already knew and disliked EBUL. This was specially true after he tried to play Aqua Grabber and was denied access to Soda Seas, unless he inserted a Member badge.

"OH COME ON!" Plotdevice suddenly yelled.

The fat male sentry had gum in his mouth and despite not having lips, accomplised the impressive feat of blowing a bubble. He spoke in a sort of high voice and had an accent. He was about two feet tall, making even Plotdevice tower over him.

"Heh, let's see har." he said, thickly accented. The male sentry looked over TurtleShroom.

"Hmm. Coat's an EBUL item. So's the lantern n' da bowtie, yup. Gots an imported crown, though. Biggest crown I've seen in years."

TurtleShroom did not thank the sentry for this complement. He crossed his flippers and frowned. He respected the economies of this vacation paridise, but he was always insulted by the rude sentries' treatment of lessers.

"Ninja mask's a moocher-"

"Now hold it!" TurtleShroom said in his always commanding voice, deeply offended. "First off, it's a Non-Member item, not a moocher item. Respect those who do not pay. Second, it happened to be gifted to me as a sign of competence from Sensei himself! It took me ages to earn it, and I happen to take this mask very seriously, as he who wears it carries on a tradition spanning back far before your company or Club Penguin even came to be. You should respect Ninjas, kid."

The sentry rolled his eyes and blew a bubble with the gum again.

"Fine. Non-member item. Whatever ya'll wanna' call it. Lisa Yo, how's the other guy?"

"Nothing but a coonskin cap, Biebermaster."

TurtleShroom chuckled a bit and held a flipper over his beak.

"Biebermaster..." he said quietly.

"Mah momma named me that!" the Sentry said angrily, pointing a flipper at TurtleShroom. He tried pointing it at his beak, but he barely extended his reach to the bowtie around the dictator's neck.


"Thar's a big time, prominent judge with 'Bieber' in 'er name!"

TurtleShroom couldn't take it. He laughed like he hadn't done in ages.

"EXACTLY MY POINT! Hee ha ha ha! Bieber's a girls' name these days!"



"I DON'T HAVE TIME FER DIS." Biebermaster said, very ticked off. "Are ya'll Membuhs or all ya'll not?"

TurtleShroom continued to chuckle to himself, calming down now, as he whipped out the Member badge.

"Wow. I haven't seen the two year badge in a while."

TurtleShroom smiled a cocky grin, loving every minute that he humbled the sentry. It's what he gets for being disrespectful to people.

"Biebermaster, there's no badge over here."

"There ain't?"

"Nope. ...-but he did try this fake one one me. A good one, too."

Lisa You tossed the fake badge to Biebermaster, and then turned to Plotdevice.

"We can't let you in, Plotdevice. You're not a member." Lisa You said, trying not to be that mean.

Biebermaster pulled out a contract, a clipboard, and a pen. Here they go again.

"We'd love ta have ya, but ya'll have ta be a Membuh first. Become a Membuh today and enjoy all these great benefits!"

He pushed the contract closer to Plotdevice. Plotdevice held up a flipper in rejection.

"No. I'm not succumbing to this nonsense. I'm not just a pushover that'll buy in for these events."

"No badge, no Expedition." Biebermaster said coldly.

Plotdevice kicked Biebermaster in the foot and stormed off. TurtleShroom sighed very loudly. The sentries jumped back in the bushes as Biebermaster whined about the pain.

"Go on in TurtleShroom. Have a great day. Your bill will come at the end of the month."

The dictator rolled his eyes and turned out of the Glade, going to check up on Plotdevice. He was sitting on the Dock, looking at a Hydro Hopper boat.

"I can't believe they won't let me in."

"Indeed, EBUL can be very cold."

"Cold like the snow. You remember that brown penguin in the robes? The dead guy?" Plotdevice asked, turning to TurtleShroom.

"Marvin? Yes; yes I do. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. Times like this make me think about what he said."

"Ah, philosophy. He was a very intelligent penguin."

"Until the guy shot him."

"Yeah..." TurtleShroom replied.

"Do you think EBUL will ever show a little kindness to the little guy?"

"I don't know. years ago, I did write to them.


"Yes way. A Moderator replied, though, not an EBUL employee. The Moderators are always courteous beings."

"Yeah. So what'd they say?"

"Well, they respected what I said, and looked into it, but I'm pretture sure EBUL never got the letter. They gave me five thousand coins and complemented by writing though. I still have a copy."

TurtleShroom let Plotdevice read the letter.

"Impressive. Well, I guess there's no reason to mope around. Go ahead and have fun in the Expedition. Take pictures and let me see some time, okay?"

"I'd be honored."

Plotdevice got up and shook TurtleShroom's flipper. As he pulled back, he realized he was holding something. It was a second pass to Puff Flags.


"No problem, friend, no problem. I've got stocks too. You want some?"


"Fair enough. Have a glorious day."


Plotdevice took out his Map and teleported off.

TurtleShroom went back into the forest.

"AYE AYE!" another accented voice shouted. It wasn't the sentry.

"Awww..." a second said.

TurtleShroom saw the sentries picking on what were apparently two tourists on vacation from who knows where.

"...-but this is only vacation I have, sir! I go back to Maverick tomorrow, and then it's fourteen hour shifts for rest of year!!"

"Well, you're not a member."

"I don't understand your point, senorita."

"No Member, no entry. Do you want me to spell it out for you?"



"Oh... ...I go in anyway."

This penguin was apparently a Mavv penguin, in overalls and a straw hat. He was a dark brown and had a sweet mustache. The sentry picked him by the collar.



"Do you accept bribe?"

The sentry paused.

Meanwhile, the other penguin was black, in a black shirt with very loose pants, also a dark color. The penguin had long, possibly greasy, black hair that was combed over his face. He was slouched over a bit, with very poor posture, and had a necklace with a skull on it. The black shirt was short-sleeved, but a long-sleeved undershirt had sleeves that extended out, as was the style, and these were striped in black and white. He was wearing a veil of sorts, and the upper part of his face was blackened to the point that it couldn't be seen. Two glowing yellow circles served as eyes and completed his appearence. Or, in short, he was a Gothguin.

"Listen blackey, ya cain't get in if ya ain't a Membuh."

The Gothguin sighed and reached into a pocket of his baggy pants. (No need for a major invetory with that many pants' pockets.) He pulled out a laminated card. His bleak expression did not change.

"I am a member." the Gothguin mumbled. "This is the ID for the Emo Fashionz shop down at the Pole."

Biebermaster laughed.

"That ain't a Member badge. That's some stupid Visigoth card."

"Whatever. It's technically a 'membership' license. You should let me in."

"In yer dreams... -and what's with them clothes?"

The Gothguin shrugged and looked down a bit, towards the floor. Biebermaster lightly tapped the side of his face, startling him.

"Look at me when you're talkin'. ...-and straighten up yer back; it's bad for yer posture."

The Gothguin nodded and looked back up, putting his flippers in the pockets of his pants, sighing heavilly.

"Is that all ya do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, whine and keep lookin' at the ground like this world's all doom and gloom. Get yer rear off yer shoulders and maybe dress better."

The Gothguin sat down and laid his beak on one flipper as Biebermaster continued with the insults.

Eventually, the depressed penguin spoke.
"...-but that's... that's not fair. Aren't I entitled to entry as much as them?"

"Uhhh... no." Biebermaster tapped the Gothguin on the side of his beak again, this time harder. "Look at me when I'm talkin'!"

"I don't get it. In my country we no kick people out because of something like that."

"Rules are rules. Now, go back to your fields and stop bothering me."

Biebermaster continued at the Gothguin, this time beginning to use force, picking him up by the collar and having him stand. The Gothguin said nothing as the sentry hit him, and this time it hurt.


The Gothguin sighed heavilly and placed his flippers in his pockets as he began to waddle away, still as the Mavv continued arguing with the sentry. Biebermaster was really ticked off at this penguin, so he took a snowball and threw it at the Gothguin. It hit him square in the head, and he fell.


Seeing no point in getting up, the Gothguin just laid in the snow.

"Oh look, he don't get up. Pathetic." Biebermaster said, getting ready for another snowball.

"So, you take bribe?"

"Uhh... how much?"

"Five hundred coin."

"What's that? I can;t hear you."

"One thousand five hundred."

"Okay, hand it over."

The Mavv penguin did so.

"All right, go in."


Everyone turned to look at TurtleShroom. He had seen the whole ideal and was displeased with the actions of the sentries, especially the farmer comment.

"If you must deny entry," TurtleShroom said, waddling over to them, "At least be respectful."

TurtleShroom continued waddling and accidently stepped on back of the Gothguin in the snow.


"Oh! Sorry!" TurtleShroom tried to move, but he stepped on the Gothguin's head.


"Ack! My apologies again!"

"Meh. The world doesn't really like me; I'm used to it.""

TurtleShroom waddled to Biebermaster and gestured to the Gothguin.

"Look at that! You broke the kid's spirit!"

"I don't have a spirit. Life's too bad to develop one, only to see their dreams crushed. I mean, we'll all die eventually, right? What's the point of initiative?""

TurtleShroom, not understanding Gothguins, yelled at Biebermaster even more, thinking he was the cause.


Biebermaster shrugged.

A bystander tapped TurtleShroom.

"Uhh, king? That's a Gothguin, they always-"

"Hush! I'm busy reprimanding this infidel here!" he said, furious at Biebermaster.

"Now listen here, Bieber." everyone laughed, and even the Gothguin managed a snicker, as his name was said. "I don't tolerate what you did to that black penguin there, and I demand you apologize."

"He brought it upon himself, that whiner."

TurtleShroom twitched. He began to reach into his inventory for the Rod of Jesse.

"You ruined the kid's work ethic and you show no remorse? Is that correct?"

"He deserved it."

"OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'm going to knock you into next Thursday."



"I'd like to see you try, you old bird."

TurtleShroom pulled back and swung the Rod hard.


Biebermaster was hit square on what would count as the neck and fell to the ground, on top of the Gothguin.


Lisa gasped and fled, not thinking about reporting TurtleShroom.

"Quickly friends, while they're distracted! Proceed into the maze, go go go!"

Non-members cheered and rushed in. TurtleShroom pulled up the Gothguin and sent him in too.


"You're welcome!"

Chapter Five: Wittle Miss CP[edit]

TurtleShroom entered the Maze next. Towering forests were above him, blotting out much of the midday sun. He didn't notice the note that said to "follow the mechanical parts". Incorrectly, he turned north instead of right, and from there he was lost.

The forest got darker as the dictator continued going in the wrong direction The sun was beginning to reach a low point in the horizon, and it was going to be dark very soon, even though it was only about 2:00 PM in the afternoon. He put the Rod back and took out his prized lantern. Lighting the kerosene wick, TurtleShroom continued in the forest, when he heard sounds.


"Chews on toesies."

"Gnaws on hospital bracelet."

TurtleShroom's eyes windened in fear. They were here.

"Is lost and scared."

"I could say the same!" TurtleShroom replied, to no one in particular.

Then, he heard a bush rustle. TurtleShroom gasped and saw another flash of movement behind several of the trees.

"Oh Cheney, no, not them..."

The bush parted and two Mwa Mwa Penguins crawled out.

"Cwawls." both said at once, in a zombielike fashion, moving to TurtleShroom. They were crosseyed as they did this.

Another three came out from the towering trees. TurtleShroom was in the middle of the area. Mwa Mwas were on all sides. There was no way out.

"Wants a wammy." another said. This one was cross-eyed.

"Wikes pwetty wight." a Mwa Mwa said, reaching up for TurtleShroom's lantern. TurtleShroom snapped it away.


"You will never get my treasured lantern!"


"...leader? Oh no... by Karl Rove's scandal, please don't be-"


The booming voice echoed through the forest, the five Mwa Mwas lined up as TurtleShroom looked to his left.

In came a huge Mwa Mwa Penguin. She was in promiscuous clothes, these being a black tube top a very short, black micro-skirt, which did absolutely nothing to hide the diaper underneath. Her blonde wig was tied into three pigtails with black ribbons, and she was wearing far too much makeup for any penguin, much less a freak like this one. She was also fat and had fat rolls that only made her look more immodest and trashy. She was carrying a candy cane that was bigger than her and had a crown made out of cuetips and puffle saliva topped on her head. On her "shirt", if it coudl be called that, was the famous Pin that all fat penguins had to wear, and... was that a whip?

As if the immodest dress wasn't bad enough, TurtleShroom had seen this issue before, back when he was a chick. He was almost crushed by that other fatty's weight, but a penguin named Ned managed to pull him out of the way.

"By Dick Cheney's mother, I haven't seen a penguin that large since Agatha terrorized the town and nearly killed me... is this her daughter?"

The trashy Wittle Miss CP waddled, her fat jiggling as she did, in the deep snow of the forest. She was as tall as TurtleShroom, compared to the other, now bowing, Mwa Mwas, which barely came to the start of TurtleShroom's waist.

"So, I hweard woo won't give mwah swave-"

"Your SLAVE?"

"Wes. She get me dwinks and cwandy and stuff."

"Involuntary servitude is illegal!"


"What does that have to do anything?"

"IS ABOVE DA WAW." she cracked her whip in the air and the Mwa Mwas circled around TurtleShroom, on command.

"Woo don't question Weadhuh, King guy."

TurtleShroom twitched again.

"ABOVE... THE... LAW?!"

He clenched his flippers tightly as he grit his beak together and tried to restrain his trembling anger.

"Wes. ...-and it sweems we have a wival king here. WANTS CWOWN."

The Wittle Miss CP cracked her whip at TurtleShroom, skillfully knocking his crown off his head and into the snow. TurtleShroom screamed in fury and lunged at the hideous, obese behemoth of a penguin. It didn't work, though. He bounced into her fatness, and ricocheted off her. She laughed an evil laugh and cracked her whip in the air, ordering her slaves to hold TurtleShroom down as they got her his crown.

"Nobody chalwenges Wittle Miss CP and wins, king. Is winner."

"Winner. Winner. Winner. Winner." the Mwa Mwas droned in unison. "Winner. Winner. Winner."

TurtleShroom was losing it.


He slammed the Mwa Mwa Penguins with his flippers and got up as the Wittle Miss CP prepared her whip for an attack. TurtleShroom jumped back as she tried to hit him, and he yanked out the Rod of Jesse, seething with fury. She'd attack, and he'd dodge, She'd scream and he'd counter with an equally loud scream. He had not been this mad or aggressive in years. The force of him moving about had loosened his bowtie, and the cold forest wind unbuttoned his old brown coat, which slipped down a bit on one of his soldiers.

Usually a pacifist, the now insane TurtleShroom was putting up one heck of a fight.

"GO BACK TO THE UNDERWORLD WHERE YOU BELONG, YE UNHOLY BEINGS!" he shrieked, smashing a nearby Mwa Mwa with the Rod in the head. It fell to the ground out cold, but TurtleShroom hit it several more times anyway.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS!" he continued, his eyes almost spiraling. "YOU MUST BE ERADICATED! YAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Like a cliche gone wrong, TurtleShroom held up the Rod of Jesse and ran towards the Wittle Miss CP. He thrust the staff into the fat rolls of her sides, and gasped.

The Deletion Rod was stuck in the rolls of fat. She was THAT BIG.

"JUMPING JEHOSEPHAT." TurtleShroom said, regaining sanity.

Wittle Miss CP laughed as she showed TurtleShroom that his precious staff was stuck in her cellulite. As she waddled closer, the rod continued deeper into the unnatural rolls of feathers and obesity. It vanished, consumed by her fat rolls.

TurtleShroom screamed. The Mwa Mwas began to back him in the corner. The Wittle Miss CP lumbered forth, ready to strike TurtleShroom with her whip. She pulled it back, and TurtleShroom closed his eyes...





...-but there was no pain.

"YYAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" a female voice cried out from the treetops.

TurtleShroom opened his eyes and looked up into the foilage. A book fell from the branches, as thick as a dictionary, and hit Wittle Miss CP on the head. She stopped what she was doing and sat down. ...-and she cried.


She took the Rod out of her fat and threw it at TurtleShroom. With horrible reflexes, the dictator couldn't catch it, and he was knocked out cold. As he lost conciousness, he managed to see the Mwa Mwas run away. Moderator Badges appeared over them and abducted them. He smiled. They were banned...... -but he couldn't do anything else. He passed out.

Chapter Shix: The Maze that Never Ends[edit]

"WAKE UP! ...wake up! GET UP!"

TurtleShroom felt the cold stinging of a snowball against his beak. He slowly sat up and got to his feet.


TurtleShroom's vision came back to him as the penguin that was addressing him came into view.

"OH MY!"

TurtleShroom was startled by the homely pneguin looking at him. She was a pale yellow and a matching blouse that was almost the same color as her feathers. A brown sash was draped over her, a little big for her body, which stopped where what was apparently a modest brown skirt that ended in shiny black shoes. She was wearing glasses that were reminescent of creatures with the lowest quality of vision, heavy to the point that she slouched ever so slightly, but not noticable enough to be pointed out. Two gleaming white buck teeth jutted out of her beak, and her ratty, shoulder-length, tangled hair, as black as night, was hastily pulled up in a ponytail.

Even though this was his cousin, TurtleShroom was still startled by her appearence.

"Naomi!" TurtleShroom said, trying to cover the slip-up he said prior.

"That'sh me!" Naomi replied gleefully, a brutal lisp corrupting her already Unonian-accented drawl.

"It wush a good thing that I found you, cush-zin!" she lisped. "Thoughsh Muh-wa Muh-wah Penguinsh were going ta get you good!"

"Wait... Naomi, you saved me from those heinous cretins?"

"YEP! I jusht dropped my SHTAMP BOOK on the big one'sh head, and nature took itsh coarsh."

"I thought you were goign to collect the stamps on the mainland before you came here. What changed that?"

"Oh! Well, they're givin' out an exclushive SHTAMP that can only be gotten in thish Wildernesssh Expedi-shun, ya see, so I have-ta get it now or never."

"Oh. Well, you did save me, and you are my cousin. I'm trying to solve this maze, too. How about we join forces and get out of here together!"

"TURTLESSSHHHHHHROOM, THAT'SH A BRILLIANT IDEA. Well, we're burnin' daylight! Let'sh get going!"

Always commanding, Naomi took the lead.

Hours passed. It was probably around 7:00 PM, and pitch black. Nothing except the light from TurtleShroom's lantern guided them through the blackness.

Naomi, like most of TurtleShroom's family, was directionally challenged. The two were lost and it seemed that they were going to remain that way for a while.

"Ya know, when I get bored, I always shing."

"Really? So do I."

"Well, I guessh we can shing together!"

"So be it. Name your tune. Hey, do you know this one?"

Naomi smiled.

"With hurricanes... -and terrorists..." TurtleShroom paused to see if Naomi knew the song.

"It'sh been shard, to jusht get by!"

"Here's hoping, the year, two ho six..."

"Turnsh out better, than twosh oh five!"

"Well, Kim Jong is throwing fits-"

"-and da ssshhuttle'sshhh on tha fritsshh-"

"There's an intifada brewing in the Gaza Strip!"

"Oh, thuh deaf-uh-shitsh a-rishin'-"

"Half of Europe hates my guts-"

"The year, two oh six..."


The two laughed as they finished the unintentionally Fourth Wall breaking song. They gave each other a high five and kept waddling along.


"Yeah TurtleShhhroom?"

"Do you have any idea what the meaning of the song we just sang was?"

"Well, 'shept the part about the marriage... no."

"Oh. It's a good thing we were alone. I bet that part would have got us banned."

"Heh. You're probably right!" Naomi agreed.

"You know, half the euphamisms I use... I don't really know what they are."

"Ya know, I have that very shame problem."


"Yesh, yesh it is."

"Cuh-shin, we've passhed that busshh three timesh!"

"What, the one that looks like Judge Xavier?"

"Yesh, that one." Naomi said.

"Oh. Well, about halfway through our song, I guess we got distracted."

"I guessh.

"Shpeakin' of shingin', I've got another one!"

"Let's have it!"

"Thish is tha shong that duh-shunt end, yesh it goesh on and on my friendsh, shum people, started shingin' it, not knowin' what it wush, and they'll continue shingin' it fer-ever jusht becush!"

"Oh Naomi.... no..."

"...-they'll continue shingin' it fuh-evuh jusht becush-"

TurtleShroom slapped his flipper upon his beak as he continued through the dark, Naomi repeating her tune again and again and again and again and again and again.........................................

"Thish is tha shong that duh-shunt end..."


"...yesh it goesh on and on mah friendsh..."


"Shum people, shtarted shingin' it not knowing what it wush..."

"NAOMI!!" TurtleShroom bellowed.

Naomi stopped.



"Oh. Shorry. That shong it catchy."

"Well, you're done now..." TurtleShroom yawned. "Oh... I'm getting sleepy..."

Naomi countered the yawn.

"Yeah... I'm feeling shleepy too... we shhould hit tha hay. Early ta bed early ta rye-sh, getsh ya healthier and to the SHTAMPS..." more yawning. "Quicker!"

"In... deed..."

TurtleShroom and Naomi stopped waddling.

"I remember readin' that when yer lost in tha foresht, ya need ta find sshhhhellter... -and ya need a fire, and ya need to boil water..."

"The PSA Survival Guide? I remember that, too. It came in handy."

"Well, I'm not hungry and neither are you. We're too tired to find shelter, so what should we do?"

"Do what I've done for the pasht three daysh! Shleep in da treesh!"

"You've been here for the PAST THREE DAYS?!"


"How did you handle hunger and thirst?"

"I jusht ate taffy, act-shoe-uh-lee. We can't chew it, but it'sh filling and tastesh great. As fer water, we're standin' on water, and I got a water bottle."

"Ah. May I have some taffy?"


After taking the taffy, Naomi began scaling a tree. She was far more active than TurtleShroom.

"Come on cuh-shin, who knowsh what comesh out thish late?"

The dictator nodded, but was too tired and weak to scale a tree.

"I have a rope, Naomi. Could you help me up?"

"Of coarsh! Here. Throw the rope and tie yourself on. I'll jump down and pull, and then I'll climb back up. Okay?"


Sure enough, they did it. Naomi hopped back into the tree and took the rope, tying it around themselves and to the tree trunk.

"Shafety firsht. Now we won't-" Naomi fell asleep. Her head lowered and her glasses began slipping. TurtleShroom caught them and laid the temple pieces onto the rope, so they would stay steady. He smiled warmly at his cousin, and he too fell asleep.

Chapter Seven: What Is Cliff[edit]

When TurtleShroom awoke, it was still dark. This made sense, considering that autumn was beginning. TurtleShroom wriggled free from the safety ropes and trimmed the wick on his old lantern, finally lighting it and looking around. Naomi was gone.

Undoing the rope and placing it back into his inventory, TS tried to figure out how to get down. It didn't take long, though, because he lost his balance.


TurtleShroom fell and faceplanted into the snow. It was fortunate that the snow was about two feet deep, or he could have injured himself greatly. The lantern fell with him and was extinguished by the snow. It was a good thing that the kerosene didn't spill out.

TS, after a moment of laying in the snow, got up to his feet and pulled himself out of the penguin-shaped hole he had made. He fumbled around for his lantern and, trimming the wick, he lit it back up and held it aroun to look for his cousin.


He found her. Naomi ran closer and appeared in the dim shadows.


TurtleShroom looked into his inventory for his PSA pocket watch that he earned when he worked as an Agent. Reading it, he was surprised.

"IT'S SEVEN IN THE MORNING! We all know I-" TurtleShroom yawned widely. "I need a good twelve or more hours of sleep, Naomi, or I'm, tired all day. I usually sleep until eleven in the morning or noon..."

"Psssssshhh." Naomi scoffed. "I get up at five every morning and go to bed at 'bout eleven. Don't complain."

TS yawned again.

"Oh well. Now that I'm up, I guess we should keep venturing deeper into the woods and hope we get out of this before the Party is done."

Naomi nodded and led the way.

Hours passed, and the two found themselves lost in circles. They were getting nowhere as it approached high noon. The sun was fairly low in the sky.

"We're lost, Naomi."

"I know! Don't go reminding me!"

TurtleShroom sighed and sat down. He suggested the two sit down, rest, and eat some lunch. Naomi agreed and produced some old pizza and room-temperature coffee from her inventory.

"It'sh a bit old and shtale, but it's better than nothin', I guessh."

TS nodded and took a slice of pizza. They finished their meal and got back up. As they were about to proceed, Naomi stopped TS from moving.

"Turtle, ya hear that?"

"Hear what, Naomi?"

"Shounds like a motor and some mushic."

TS looked to the air and listened attentively.

"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."

TurtleShroom perked up.

"I hear it, too!"

Naomi nodded and listened attentively as the music grew louder. She screamed as a nearby by bush was run over and a large van drove and hit the breaks, skidding in the deep snow. The vehicle seemed to be from about the 1970s to the 1980s, and there were three humans in it. To the two penguins, all the humans looked the same, but they were apparently all brothers, all male, and all of the Asian race (although they were actually Middle Eastern).

The volume of the music was lowered as the passenger seat human looked at the two penguins.

"Yo!" he said. "My name is Steve Butabi. This over here's my brother, Doug Butabi, and that's some guy in the third seat that follows us."

"Yo!" the other two said.

"We just got back from partying at the local club. So... well, I really have nothing else to say. 'Wanna ride?"

TurtleShroom and Naomi looked at each other. Gullibly, they nodded.

"Sure!" both said.

"Hop in!"

Steve told the third man to open the door for them. TurtleShroom sat to the left and Naomi to the right. He maintained his proper seat in the middle. TurtleShroom removed his crown because of the tight fit. Doug turned back to the two new passengers.

"You goin' anywhere, penguins?"

"Actually, yes sir, we are." TurtleShroom answered. "We're looking for our way out of this maze. We've been lost for well over a day. Apparently, there's supposed to be some sort of way out of here."

"Oh, we know where that is!" Doug eagerly replied. "We'll get you straight there!"

"Thanksh show much, Doug, Shteve... third guy!"

"No problem."

Steve turned to Doug.

"Well, what are you waiting for, man? Hit it!"

Doug, apparently understanding, hit the play button on the old car's stereo. The music began blasting as the brothers threw the volume switch up until TurtleShroom cringed.


Before either could ask them to turn it down, Doug hit the pedal to the floor and took off after a short delay of being stuck in the two feet of snow. The van tore through the powder like it wasn't there. All the while, the music was playing.

The three humans were soon going about ninety, and were, by now, bobbing their heads in unison to the catchy song in the car. TurtleShroom and Naomi were creeped out at first, but slowly, that infectious rhythem began seeping into them. Naomi found herself tapping her webbed foot against the van's shag carpet. TurtleShroom followed, though he gently rocked forward and back at the same speed as the beat of the song. That didn't last long, though, because both found themselves eventually head banging with all the passion and consistency as the drivers. Indeed, all five of them were now as one, jamming to the song and not caring how many bushes they crushed, puffles they hit, or trees they narrowly avoided.

They were singing at the top of their lungs. While the Three Drivers were fairly average singers, TurtleShroom was belting out in his excessively deep voice, but wasn't actually too bad, considering he was using what Explorer called "his hymn voice". Naomi, meanwhile, lisped as she sang, so her fairly melodic voice was ruined by that.

"I don't know why you're not there; I give you my love, but you don't care; So what is right and what is wrong; give-" The music stopped! All five ceased head banging and the car shook a little.
Steve yanked out the What Is Love CD, panicking as if his life was on the line. He held it high like it was a prize, as the other four looked on, with equally shocked stares. He shouted.


"WHAT THE DEBT CEILING IS GOING ON?!" TS added, cutting what was apparently the third guy's usual interjection line.


The third guy blew on the CD as Doug just kept driving, mouth agape. Steve nodded his head frantically as the third guy finished exhaling, thrusting the CD into the player faster that it should have been. TurtleShroom clasped his flippers together and Naomi leaned in closely. Stunned silence filled the van as they waited...


Everyone cheered and continued head banging as the music blasted on loop.

Two hours later, they finally found their way out of the clearing. They were approaching a cliff. Doug screamed as TurtleShroom and Naomi shouted for him to slam the breaks. He did. The van slowed to a stop, skidding on the deep snow. The five peered out the windshield, noting they were just barely inches from the edge of the Cliff.

A bunch of penguins gathered at the Cliff turned from what they were doing and gawked at the van. The doors opened, and TS and Naomi got out, still singing. Doug lowered the volume as Steve waved.

"Thanks for the fun! See you some other time!"

"Thanksh for the ride, guysh!" Naomi shouted.

"Have a glorious day!" TurtleShroom added.

With that, the music cranked back up and the car made a sharp U-turn, speeding off into the forest. The music eventually faded away.

Chapter Four: U No What to Do[edit]

TurtleShroom and Naomi looked around. There were about four other penguins present, and all of them were looking at the collosal machine.

"Golly." Naomi said, looking to the sky.

"How in the world do we operate this thing?"

A nearby penguin shrugged. One penguin interrupted and suggested they all come together and speak about it. They huddled together.

"I'm sure there's some way to run this thing." one penguin said.

"Agreed. It can't just be laying here without a pur-pussh."

"Unless it's modern art." TurtleShroom added.

"Yeah, that stuff is dumb, isn't it?" a second penguin asked.

"Yeah. I heard a guy that got a grant for sticking some puffles in his pants and..." a third penguin began, but was interrupted.

"GUYS! FOCUS!" the first penguin shouted to the others.

"Maybe it's not plugged in?" a small penguin added.

"No. Impossible." TurtleShroom said, shaking his head. "There's no way that a machine of that sort of complexity, that size, and that many pieces would require itself to be plugged and unplugged. In fact, that'd be sort of burdensome, because a plug that size would run two laundry dryers... -and I mean really, that's ridiculous to build something this far in the wilderness and let it be unplugged if, say, a tree falls on the wiring. Look over there!"

TurtleShroom pointed to a stout evergreen tree with a dark green box behind it (totally missing the plug in front of it).

"They built a transformer and routed wires all the way from Club Penguin to this sucker. A plug would NOT make sense. They already made the rest automated, so why bother?"

"I guess you're right." the second penguin said. Naomi and the others nodded.

"...-but there has to be-"

"PENGUINZ, WHY U NO PLUG IN?" a loud, nasally voice echoed throughout the Cliff. Everyone broke from the huddling and looked around.

"Who said that?"

"Wash-unt me!"

"Not me."




Everyone looked around.



The bushes to the left of the machine parted and a freaky white penguin with tiny eyes and a malformed beak entered. He was a sort penguin and quite chubby. He was wearing no clothes and had scrawny flippers that were almost skinny enough to see where the bird's bones were, despite the fat on other parts of his body. He clasped these flippers together and had a hunched over position, looking accusingly at every penguin in the area. He was scowling but had his mouth open in a constant "O" shape. His waddle was off and it seemed like he was limping, or moving like a zombie.


They looked at the weird penguin and then at TurtleShroom.

"Who... who are you?"


"Uhh... hey Yuno. I'm... Naomi."

"I'm... my name's P1454895."




"TurtleShroom... -and what's this about plugging in this thing?"


Yuno pointed to the evergreen tree that TS noticed earlier, then moved to the large, obvious socket.


TurtleShroom used CP's " :| " emote and waddled over to the plug. It was exactly as what he said shouldn't exist. It was about the size of an industrial socket that one would plug in an assembly line machine into, or a transformer, for instance. To say the least, TurtleShroom was embarassed.

"Uh..... heh heh. My apologies everyone. There IS a plug."

TurtleShroom took the behemoth plug and inserted it squarely into the outlet. Nothing happened.

"Now what?" Ligurian1999 interupted.


Naomi looked up at the machine to see Yuno's alleged coffee maker. She took a snowball and threw it, hitting the coffee maker and successfully activating it. It whirred to life and poured some warm coffee into the glass pourer underneath. The smell of coffee filled the air.


Joplin took a snowball and threw it at the coffee pot. It poured the coffee and filled up the drum, just as Yuno said.


Oppa pressed the button and watched the machine spinm the coffee. That closed a circuit on the machine and lit up several knobs and switches. Without the need of Yuno, P1454895 pressed the buttons, slid the sliders, and threw the lever.

That caused a keyboard at penguin height to light up one of its keys.

"Y U NO PL-"

Naomi waddled up and pressed the keys in order. She jumped back when a thing on top of the machine caught fire. Everyone looked at each other and murmered about what to do as a red light flashed on and off.

Yuno sighed.


Everyone made a collective "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.". Yuno crossed his flippers. The six made snowballs and threw it at the flaming apparatus.

The keyboard lit up again, and Naomi pressed the keys, hoping spontaneous combustion wouldn't startle her again. This time, it worked. A gramophone next to the keyboard was activated. The needle landed itself into the grooves of the record, and soon, extremely catchy music began...

Everyone enjoyed that music as the record played. After a few minutes of dancing, the music stopped. Another button lit up, and Joplin pressed it. Doing so caused a dangling telephone receiver to fall, triggerinmg a counterweight system that lit up six glowing tiles on the console directly to the receiver's right. The receiver was lifted back to its starting position.

To be continued...