Jerky I

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King Jerky
The greatest sock ever sewn
The greatest sock ever sewn
Born November 27th, 2009
An East Pengolian sweatshop
Residence The royal swag drawer
Other names Sock, Socky
Ethnicity Sock
Citizenship Dorkugese
Education None. He attend school once in a puppet show.
Occupation Warm footwear, former king
Years active 2010
Employer The Jerk race (and secretly the Dorkugese government)
Notable works Thinning the Jerk Penguin herd, warming Bill Gate$'$ foot
Salary None
Height Around 4 inches
Known for Its fuzziness, being the first King of the Jerk race.
Title King of the Month no. #1
Term 2010
Successor Jerky II
Political party Nonpartisan
Opponent(s) Cheeseheads who compulsively tear holes in socks
Board member of The SWAG
Children Dust bunnies
Parents A sewing machine and unnotable sweatshop worker
Call-sign "The Fuzz"
Awards Dorkugese Medal of Outstanding Service, Fuzziest Footwear (2010-Present)
Website
http://www.happysocks.com/
Notes
In case you haven't figured it out yet, it's a puppet ruler.
*Rustle rustle*
 
— Jerky being slipped on Bill Gate$' foot

Jerky I is a well-worn sock that currently resides in Floor Thirteen's royal swag drawer. It also has the distinction of being the first ever King of the Month over the Jerk race, and is still highly respected by its former underlings despite being a literal puppet ruler that was used by the Dorkugese government to manipulate the Jerks into doing stupid things like sucking on live grenades and worshipping the colour purple. Unfortunately much of its work in keeping the Jerks at bay has been undone by its far more competent successor, Jerky II.

Biography[edit]

Creation, Early Life and Abduction[edit]

Jerky the First was sewn together in an East Pengolian sweatshop on November 27th, 2009. For some unknown reason this particular sweatshop was producing clothing designed specifically for Humans (some suspect that Bill Gate$ may have been behind this, but this is unlikely given his hatred for Communism), and after exactly zero products were sold the sweatshop was closed down. The workers were instructed to pack up the unsold items and carry them to the furnace, where they would be incinerated along with the clothing. Fortunately Jerky fell out of a hole in its basket, and since nobody bothered to pick it up it sat there for several weeks before a small girl picked it up in hopes of trading it for some fish. Nobody wanted it, so she tossed it over the Steel Drapes. At that moment a mail van was passing by the West Pengolian side of the curtain and Jerky happened to fall into it, and was shipped to Dorkugal. Since the sock lacked a postage stamp the postal service decided to charge the shipping and handling bill to Penghis Khan and added a couple hundred Khans to the price just to cheese him off.

On that day Stevie Falcon I was performing his royal duty by inspecting post offices at random while handing out free Penguin OS installation CDs, and as a kindly volunteer assisted him in slowly moving through the post office his eyes were attracted to a dark blue sock sitting in the Lost & Found box. He motioned with his robotic arm for his assistant to wheel him over to the desk, and he carefully pulled out the sock from the box, making sure not to grab anything else by accident. As he raised the sock higher and higher, his smile grew larger and-

"THoS bE KiNg Oof jAErk RaEC"

Apparently his speech machine mistook his facial expression for an attempt to communicate, and translated accordingly. Stevie was actually thinking something more along the lines of "This would make a mighty fine beak-warmer", but true mind-scanning equipment was years away and communicating through facial twitches was still the norm. A squad of PSA agents suddenly burst into the room, grabbed poor Jerky and blasted through the roof with their jetpacks, causing damage that cost up to 350,000 radians to replace. Somebody's eyeball was also found lying on the floor, but extensive (and expensive) searches for its owner were unsuccessful and upon closer examination the "eye" turned out to be nothing more than an oddly-coloured stone.

Rise to the Throne[edit]

For several months Jerky would lay forgotten in the Penguin Secret Agency's main lab, where one of the agents (Rookie) quickly whipped out a plan for it to rise to the Jerk Penguin throne. Problem was, they were so disorganized that they didn't have any real leaders (other than the dudes with extra bling), but over a period of two months the agency infiltrated their ranks and convinced them that they needed a king. At first they reacted quite negatively to the idea, but after they realized that with a king they could easily negotiate with other nations to get more jewels they decided to make the swaggiest dude they could find into their king. Jerky (who was thus christened by Gary the Gadget Guy after one too many Cream Sodas) was dressed up in a little jewel-encrusted trenchcoat worth 900,000,000 coins and sent to Floor Thirteen, where he won the election in a landslide victory and was crowned king. The ceremony itself was surprisingly dull for a Jerk affair, but some excitement was had when Little Jimmy swore that he saw a dark-suited penguin sitting behind the throne and sticking his flipper into their new king's backside. Investigations revealed that this was true, but the guy claimed to be the janitor and he was well dressed because he was crashing his spouse's wedding in a couple hours, which the Jerks saw as a reasonable excuse and ignored him henceforward.

Jerky's reign was quite short, but rather eventful. It played a major role in enacting the grenade-sucking bill which stated that all Jerk Penguins over the age of 5 were required to suck on a grenade every 16 hours, and led its race into a short-lived war against the Dorkugese in the Battle of the Lunchhall. The war was a financial disaster, as the Jerk's bling was confiscated by government troops in the heat of battle and used to fund research into creating the perfect mayonnaise sandwich. Surprisingly, Jerky avoided all blame of the situation by flopping over from its pedestal after the battle, which convinced the Jerks that it was merely sleep-deprived and needed to be put to bed extra early that night. Socks do not sleep, of course, but the Jerks have never been known as an especially intelligent race, and this was exploited by the PSA alongside the Dorkugese government, who were remotely controlling Jerky's movement and used it to manipulate the Jerks into harming themselves.

Decline[edit]

As much as Jerky's reign benefited Dorkugal in general (other than the Jerks, several of which had swallowed grenades), it could not last forever. Several Jerks even speculated that their king was actually (gasp!) a puppet ruler, but they did so in secret for fear of punishment. Eventually these rumours reached the more respected Jerks, and a plan was formed to get dispose of the fuzzy regent. It failed, however, because socks do not drink water whether it is poisoned or not. After several more failed attempts (each one creating more property damage than the last) they eventually decided that they could simply claim that he was King of the Month and have him kicked out at the end of January and replace him with a more competent Penguin. Jerky II was voted in, but for reasons unknown to the common Penguin Jerky the First is still regarded as the true leader of the Jerks despite its incompetency, and it is commonly believed among the Jerk Penguins that Jerky I will someday return to rule over its race once more. That is, right after the laundry guy gets around to cleaning out the royal swag drawer, and he's been on vacation for the past several years.

King Jerky 
The First

In office
January 1st, 2010 – February 1st, 2010
Succeeded by Jerky II

Military service
Nickname(s) "The Fuzz"
Allegiance Jerk cliche, also a double agent for the Dorkugese Army
Years of service 2010
Rank Swag Dude (Jerk), Secret Agent (Dorkugal)
Battles/wars Battle of the Lunchhall
Awards Dorkugese Medal of Outstanding Service

Current Status[edit]

As with most other socks, Jerky I spends most of its time lying in a sock drawer (christened the "Royal Swag Drawer" by some random Jerk) with several other unnotable socks and stained undergarments. It is occasionally taken out by some curious young Jerk who wishes to learn the history of their race, but usually not for more than a couple seconds. Truth is, being considered a "sacred object" means that Jerky I hasn't been washed in ages, and it smells absolutely dreadful. During important meetings (read: parties) the sock is sometimes brought out and given a seat of honour, and guidance is sought from it via a speech machine similar to the one Stevie relies on to communicate. Sadly the Elite Penguin Force (formerly the PSA) is unable to manipulate Jerky's movements further, as the A-sized battery for the remote died and nobody has been able to find a working replacement yet that didn't also set the remote on fire.

Interestingly enough, nobody has ever been able to figure out how the Jerks could have been stupid enough to crown a sock as their leader, or why they still insist that a piece of fuzzy footwear is sentient despite numerous attempts at correcting them. Many conspiracy theorists suspect that its entire reign was the result of Ampersand Publishing's misuse of the mysterious Lithium Improbability Drive due to the high levels of improbability associated with Jerky's accomplishments, but Ampersand Publishing, Inc has denied to provide an official comment. Regardless, Jerky I was undoubtedly the strangest monarch to ever rule and is part of the reason why the Jerk race are so frequently scorned by the citizens of the United States of Antarctica.

Trivia[edit]

  • Jerky I is a sock, and since it is genderless one cannot refer to it by gender-specific pronouns.
    • The few existing pieces of Jerk paperwork (which are extremely rare due to their hatred of writing in general and highly prized by collectors) commonly address Jerky I via masculine pronouns due to their belief in its sentience.
  • It has no relation to the Mother of the Puppets whatsoever.
  • Bill Gate$ is the only mortal that has actually worn Jerky I on his foot. When nobody is looking Jerky II uses it as a beak warmer, but don't tell or they'll probably impeach him.
  • Jerky I was the only king to ever exist who was completely immune to all diseases, poisons, and viruses (including the X-Virus). Researches have asked for permission to study him, but all requests have so far been denied.
  • Incidentally, Jerky I's coronation was the only mission Rookie participated in that was a major success and did not result in harm to the agency.

See also[edit]