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| The Good Guys:
Grand Ol' Land
• Province of Acadia
The Kingdom of Duck Island
United Kingdom of Candvia
| Naughtzee: |
| Willman Tabernaclemountain
Penguino Lagois I
| Whoot Smackler Whoot|
| 14,000,000 |
The Khanzem War was a war that was considered one of the bloodiest wars in Antarctica. Beginning with the coup of the High Penguin Confederacy by Whoot Smackler Whoot, it soon escalated into an Antarctica wide conflict, with millions of soldiers and many countries fighting on either side. By the time the war ended five years later, it had devastated the population and infrastructure of Antarctica, and changed the status quo of Antarctica. The fall of the High Penguin Confederacy, then the most powerful country, left a major power vacuum, which many countries tried to fill, but failed.
Chapter 1: The Coup
The High Penguin Confederacy was a paradise for centuries. However, several Khanz Penguins, under the leadership of Whoot Smackler Whoot, started appealing to the commoner, screaming to the normal penguins that they were "superior to the Most High Noob-Faces", which was incorrect. Sadly, the penguins believed it, and secretly voted to allow Whoot to coup the HPC.
The coup, dubbed "Der Arktischen-Vogel-Suchanzeigen!" (official), the "The Antarctic-Bird Want It Now!" (translated), or simply "The Penguin's Want", was simple.
Whoot Smackler Whoot, being a short Khanz Penguin (sound familiar?), sneaked through the massive amounts of bodyguards (the HPs knew that the penguins were rioting) and threw a pie smack in the Leader's face. Smackler then put the pie tin in the Leader Most Trusted Advisor's flipper...
"WHO THREW THE PIE AT ME?!"
The stunned HPs (and the cheering crowd of normals) looked, and saw the Most Trusted Advisor, who just noticed the tin in his flipper.
He was hauled off by bodyguards to the HP's Polka Dungeon without mercy or a trial.
Smackler, according to plan, jumped up on the balcony where the Leader's throne was sitting. Pretending to be a sympathizer (but not before winking to his followers), he continued in his now-famous <pending> accent;
"Leader, are you alright?"
The sobbing Leader looked up at Whoot.
"Oh, yeah. *sniff* I'm just down. Everyone hates me, the people are rioting... wait, aren't you a little young to have a mustache?"
One of Whoot's followers screamed.
"fU|-|r3Rzz! HE'S ON TO US!"
Smackler jumped down, but as planned, got his long trench-coat stuck on the railings. Also as planned, he let the bodyguards grab him. When he was picked up, he quickly got his flippers free and threw pies at the guards. Sending the signal to his followers, they quickly threw a trapdoor, where the Leader and his chief executives were standing. They fell into a pit.
The plan worked perfectly.
Whoot seized the crown, and in front of the huge cheering crowd, declared himself ruler of the High Penguin Confederacy.
Chapter 2: The Military
Under the leadership of the "fU|-|r3Rzz!", as the citizens now called Smackler, he again appealed to the commoners, requesting them to join the In-Pastry Infantry, once again, in the name of "PWNing those Most High Noob-Faces".
He quickly mobilized the new pie-based military, and set out to expand the High Penguin Confederacy (now renamed Khanzem).
He hoisted a new flag (previously the Whoot family welcome mat) for the nation, and set out to PWN the other parts of the HPC still loyal to Leader, as well as the various non associated penguins in Antarctica.
He named his army the "Naughtzee", and as Whoot put it, the name symbolized "the overthrow and rebellion of the HPC, since the High Penguins think we are naughty".
Chapter 3: The Good Guys Diss the Naughtzee
However, the Good Guys, on what is now the Antarctic Peninsula, foolishly chose to not attack Whoot or the Naughtzee, brushing off the formidable Smackler as a "spastic little loudmouth with poor taste in facial hair".
Weeks later, Tinuviel, ex-High King Theongel's wife led the defense of Poleland. She was defeated, along with her brigades. Theongel went into exile and assigned Joshua Staller to be Lord Protector (cheif of the military) of the Grand Ol' Land. Oh, and Momma Tabernacle was captured. Her son still refused to fight, even to save his momma.
Most of the Grand Ol' Land (the overthrown HPC) was being overrun by Khanzem, and Staller could not hold back the Naughtzee. He sent a message to "The Good Guys" stating that they NEEDED to fight.
"Mister Tabernaclemountain makes it clear that in certain circumstances he would have violated our neutrality and that he would justify his action by The High Penguin Confederation’s necessity. It seems strange to me that Mr. Tabernaclemountain does not see that this, if accepted, would mean that Antarctica’s necessity would become a moral code and that when this necessity became sufficiently great, other people’s rights were not to count… this same code is precisely why we have the disastrous succession of wars… shall it be a continental war?"
That's fancy High Penguin talk for
"GET YOUR LAZY BEHINDS OUT HERE AND FIGHT!!! IT'S OK TO BE NEUTRAL SOMETIMES BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!! ANTARCTICA IS BEING INVADED!!"
Chapter 4: Debated Councils
The Naughtzee prepared the "Angst vor meinem Flug Waffeln von Doom!", called the Fluffenwaffle by most, for an air raid on the Grand Ol' Land. Their plan was to bomb the area with pies and cakes, and other oversized desserts.
As Smackler put it:
The Most High Noob-Faces will have their cake and eat it too!
The infantry of the High Penguins moved out, ever cheerfully, singing, keeping the normal Penguins spirits up.
Whoot Smackler sent the Specials out to shoot the penguins down!
He thought the Infantry had fled from the dear old Western towns,When he met the 1st Battalion of the Border Brigade!
But he got a rude awakening with pies in the face,
The Good Guys still wouldnt fight. The High Penguin Infantry set up bases all across the Grand Ol' Land. The Naughtzee army moved into Poleland, where Momma Tabernaclemountain lived on a private estate.
Secretly, the HPs hoped that the possible Naughtzee capture of Willman Tabernacle's momma would prevoke the Good Guys to fight.
On Mid Year's day, a brave, young, High Penguin named Triskelle gave a speech to all penguins. He lived in the city of Fighttool, which was conquered by the Naughtzee.
I am come of the hoardes of the penguins, penguins whose emotes bear none but woe,
That have no treasure but hope,
No riches laid but memory
Of a long-dead Confederacy.
I am of the blood of the poor:
The chicks with whom I have played,
the men and women with whom I have eaten
Have not had masters over them, but now forced to make citrus,
And, though gentle, have served churls;
Thei flippers that have touched mine,
the dear flippers whose touch is familiar to me,
Have been forced to making Juice,
Juice that goes down the throat of the oppressor.
I am flesh of the flesh of these lowly, I am bone of their bone,
I that have never submitted; never shall I make juice!
I that have a will greater than the wills of Naughtzee pie-army,
I that have vision and prophecy and the gift of fiery speech,
And because I am of the people, I understand the people,
I am sorrowful with their sorrow, I am hungry with their desire:
For my mind burns with the hatred of the spaz, the spaz who threw custard at me,
The spaz who capture my people and break their honor and smash their dignity,
Ive seen the shame brought at the Concentrate camps,
Shame of which no penguin should bare.
How dare Smackler, how dare he force us to labor away, making juice for his men!
Serving citrus to tyranny, oranges to opponents!
Their shame is my shame, and I have reddened for it,
Reddened for that they have served, they who were once free,
Reddened for that they must be worked,
And should they collapse be denied a drink of water,
Reddened for that they have walked in fear, in shame, so downtrodden!
I'd rather have borne stripes on my body
rather than this shame of my people.
And now I speak, fellow penguins, being full of vision;
I speak to the penguins,
and I speak in my people's name to the Naughtzee, who at my people's will, drink cirtus delights.
And despite their chains,
They are greater than those that hold them, and stronger and purer,
That they have but need of courage.
And I say to Whoot, who thre pie at me: Beware,
Beware of the thing that is coming,
beware of the risen people,
Who shall take what ye hath dished upon us.
Did ye think to conquer these penguisn,
Or that Dessert is stronger than life and than penguin's desire to be free?
So I stand before my people, and reach to those who slave to make orange juice!
But I must warn ye, oh wretched Naughtzee,
That your spastic little hero,
who don a coat and tack mustache,
Shan't hold a candle to the will of my people.
As ye storm across our land, throwing pies of sugary agony,
Shackle my people, haul them for your citrus,
Ye that have bullied and bribed,
tyrants, hypocrites, liars!
I shout to you today, for all that is Good in my eyes,
The the penguins will prevail! For they will rise up to ye, oh evil Naughtzee,
The broom closet is beckoning,
For it shall be your home soon.
I look straight at you, Whoot Smackler Whoot,
for you have been tyranical to my people,
You as the abusive minoirty, the ones with eyes as square,
The People are stronger, the People are better, and should we bear our arms and march to meet ye,
You shall see that our Pies are greater,
Our Cake thicker,
Our Will stronger.
I ask you now, penguins of Justice,
Shall you sit and be conquered by a tiny penguin with a mustache,
Or will you show the will of your ancestors, show the will that you have within?
I ask you now, fellow penguins far and near,
Pick up your pastries, for we have Honor to free, Juice to liberate, A FUTURE TO SEE!
After the speech, more penguins joined the militia. There was now a strong, large army for Khanzem to fight.
William Tabernaclemountain was strongly reconsidering his neutrality.
Pie war was around the corner.