Larcin Penguin

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Larcin Penguin

The only publically known page from the Larcin Penguin. Notice the "slapped together" appearence of the page. This page might have been written over one of the Conry's math homework sheets.
Author Conry family
Illustrator N/A
Cover artist N/A
Country USA, Colonial Antarctica, Olde Antarctica, Snowman Empire, Khanzem, High Penguin Confederacy
Language English, Penguinian
Genre Non-fiction, trade secret, scrapbook, notebook
Publisher Not published
Published Not published
Media type Hardcover
Preceded by N/A
Followed by N/A

Larcin Penguin is the title of the family notebook maintained by the family of Slick Conry. It describes the entire modus operandi of the family's criminal methods and explains in detail how to commit various crimes of all sorts, and, more importantly, how to evade capture. It contains over ninety years of personal notes, maps, pictures, and documents, and every Conry family member is encouraged to log their successes and methods and stick them between the book's original pages.

Larcin means, "Thieving" in French.


The book is kept and updated for the purpose of being passed to the next Conry family member(s), so that another generation of career criminals can be brought up in the most efficient manner possible. It is read ritualistically by the family and shared with each generation. Although the entire family shares ownership of the log, the eldest son of the newest generation is traditionally designated as its official "keeper". Slick Conry is the current keeper, in this manner.

The book[edit]

In all actuality, it is simply a bound cover and some old, yellowed pages. The book's actual pages were long filled in by ancestral Conry members. New Conry members add on to the book by writing notes on scraps of paper, or inserting portraits into the book and taping them thre. This has given the Larcin Penguin the appearence of a scrapbook, but despite its sloppy appearence, it is nonetheless the ultimate how-to guide to crime.

As the prized possession and heirloom of the Conry family, they take its protection as the utmost priority. When not being read, it is locked away in a privately owned, bank-quality security vault, dubbed the "Conry Vault".

Theft of the book[edit]

The trove of secrets, tutorials, and instructions in the Larcin Penguin has made the book a prime target for most every criminal and established organized crime network in Antarctica, and it is needless to say that they have all made some sort of attempt to swipe it and gain access to its secrets.

Over the years, a few groups have succeeded in taking portions of the book. Its sloppy nature and scrapbook-style method of archiving means that pictures, maps, documentations, and indeed, entire pages can be taken at once. Various baddies have taken pages and pieces of the book in the past, but only once was the entire book taken.

The Conry family will always drop what they are doing to retrieve their precious notebook, and for good reason. Everyone, good and bad, wants the Larcin Penguin. Law enforcement and secret agencies seek it to thwart criminals by using crime's top minds against it. Mafias want it for the juicy secrets of "forced disappearences" and "coercion tactics", and petty thieves know its tutorials for burglary are top-notch.

Any criminal with a brain knows that possession of the Larcin Penguin would make their ability to commit crimes rival only that of the book's authors, and that, of course, is the incentive anyone and everyone has to get it. No wonder, then, do the Conry family take such steps to gaurd it.

Below are successful attempts at stealing portions of the book on stealing, in chronological order of the theft. Each time, it was recovered.

Year Portions taken Thief's description Conry retaliation Time from theft to recovery
1939 Sixteen pages, detailing (in part or in whole) the proper methods of bank robbery, littering, arson, and avoiding speed traps when driving. An unnamed band of small-time thieves. The Conries immediately stormed the lair of the petty thieves, took the Larcin Penguin back, and then torched the lair. Though the thieves got out alive, they learned their lesson. Seven hours
1956 Fifty pages, detailing (in part or in whole) the Conry's methods to murder (by both deletion and actual killing), money laundering, forced disappearences, electoral fraud, union rackets, protection rackets, and tax evasion. This was one of the largest thefts of the Larcin Penguin in its history, unmatched until the 2011 theft by the Sons of Rapheal. This was a theft by law enforcement in Antarctica. The cops had taken what they could in order to study its contents, so that it could nab criminals more effectively by using their own tactics. The fact that they stole some of the Conry family's secrets to the most serious of crimes really mobilized the family to recover it. The Conry family figured out the book was gone about a half hour after it happened. They ruthlessly pursued the police that took it and got it back in an hour. Their retaliation on the police was oddly light: they took all their weapons, their clothes, and anything in the police station they could carry. Two hours, but one page was eventually leaked to the public!
1990 Fourteen pages, documenting the location of the "Key of PWN", and the methods to forced disappearences and protection rackets. There was also a segment on the inner workings of the Black Market. The Underground PWN Mafia took the book to improve its criminal methods. Bugzy snatched the pages himself. Bugzy swiped the book so well and so quietly that the Conries didn't notice its disappearence for a week. When they did, they spent a fortnight (two weeks) searching for Bugzy. When they found them, the entire family had to fight him to recover the book. Eventually, they realized that Bugzy was PWNing them, so they struck a deal. They let Bugzy make copies of the forced disappearence section of the Larcin Penguin and keep them for himself. (He declined to tell them that he had memorized all of the pages already.) Three months, but the UPM successfully memorized and began using the entire snatched contents.
2011 The entire book! The Sons of Raphael were a gang that spent their entire careers learning how to make off with the Larcin Penguin. They were an organized network consisting of hundreds of efficient, dangerous villains. They were no UPM, but they still were top-notch. Fortunately, the Sons of Raphael forgot that the book was disorganized and loaded with scraps and taped papers. Various pages and documents fell out of the book as it made its way through the lairs of the Sons of Raphael. Slick Conry managed to recover the entire book piece by piece, scrap by scrap, paper by paper, getting the ninety-year old cover and its original contents at the very last battle. One year, but no permanent leakage of the Larcin Penguin, because Slick Conry made sure to completely dismantle and terminate the Sons of Raphael for what they did.


The general sloppiness and scrapbook fashion of the Larcin Penguin is evident. Note the taped-on addition and the fact that the sheet originally contained some math problems. This is allegedly very common in the family book.

The general public only has one page to look at from the Larcin Penguin. Every criminal that performs the crime documented obviously uses it as their guide. That page details proper embezzlement tactics. Police also use it as a way to stop embezzlement.

However, the UPM possesses the equivalent of fourteen pages' worth of the Larcin Penguin, and the gang uses it extensively in their operations. This, along with (and mostly because of) the sheer awesomeness of Bugzy, make the UPM the most formidable organized crime groups in Antarctica.


  • The Larcin Penguin is a parody of the "Book of Thieves"\"Thevius Raccoonus" from the beloved Sly Cooper series of video games.
  • In the real world, some criminals actually do record their tactics in a secret log book of sorts, much like this. For instance, Osama bin Laden kept a small but extremely detailed log on Al-Qaeda operatives and operations. No, really. The book was discovered by the forty heroic Navy SEALs that killed him.

See also[edit]