Lord of the Onion Rings
| This is an incomplete story.
Lord of the Onion Rings is a story that was started by a user some time ago, but wasn't completed, and may never be completed. We're sorry for the inconvenience! However, feel free to look here to read completed stories!
|Lord of the Onion Rings|
Lord of the Onion Rings: Fellowship of the Onion Ring|
Lord of the Onion Rings: The Two and a Half Towers
Lord of the Onion Rings: The Comeback of the King
|Cover artist||Fill in!|
|Publisher||George and Muffin, Baldwin, Inc|
|Published||December 17th, 2009|
|Media type||Paperback, Hardcover|
|Preceded by||The Bobbit|
|Followed by||Lord of the Onion Rings: The Two and a half Towers|
The following is a parody of Lord of the Rings, or simply LOTR with the characters being portrayed by Fanon characters.
Please no bad grammar on this, and, make sure you actually know what your writing before you edit.
The Lord of the Onion Rings is a novel written by W.T. Penguin. It is based on a true story of a penguin destined to destroy the one thing that might turn Middle- Antarctica into a very evil place.
The One Onion Ring.
Three Onion Rings for the High Penguins within the ice,
Seven for the Chick-lords in their hallways of rice,
Nine for the mortal penguins doomed to be deleted,
One for the Darkest Lord on his darkest throne
In the land Pordor where the evils lies.
One Onion Ring to rule them all, One Onion Ring to find them
One Onion Ring to bring them all and in the darkness to carefully package them
In the land of Pordor where the shadows lie.
- 1 Character Parodies
- 2 Book 1
- 3 Chapter 1: An expected party that was long awaited
- 4 Chapter II: Shades of the Past
- 5 Chapter III: Three is a crowd, nine is company
- 6 Chapter IV: Long Way to Pine Trees
- 7 Chapter V: A Conspiracy Theory that is Untenable
- 8 Chapter VI: Ye Olde Forest
- 9 Chapter VII: In the House of Snowtom B001
- Frodo Baggins- Willy the Penguin
- Samwise Gamgee - Kwiksilver
- Gandalf the Grey/White - G
- Aragorn - Speeddasher
- Legolas - Tails6000
- Gimli - Baby N.
- Merry - Ninjinian
- Pippin - Explorer
- Sauron - Malcur
- Saruman - Darktan II
- Gollum/Sméagol - Mabel
- Biblo Baggins- Will Whitefoot
- Elrond - Triskelle
- Arwen - Luce
- Galadriel - Lasaralyn
- Haldir - Elessar
- Tom - Snowman 1001
- Boromir - PabloDePablo
Chapter 1: An expected party that was long awaited
It was the eve of Willbo's Luggage's birthday, which lies on September 23rd. In turn, it was also his younger cousin and adopted heir's Willdo Luggage's birthday as well.
"Hey hoy Willdo!" Willbo said in delight.
"Hullo cousin Willbo." said Willdo. (Willdo was the quieter of the two)
"Can you believe it?! I am going to be eleventy-one tomorrow! And you my friend are going to be thirty-three! A coming of age!"
You see, Willbo and Willdo were Pobbits. As such, their ages differ from yours and mine.
What is a Pobbit you say? Well, they are interesting little creatures, closely related to the penguin. They are quite smaller than you and I; they also have hair on their flippers, and also, a common feature, curly hair on the top their heads. Pobbits like to read and are interested in literature, and most cannot swim; Such as Willbo cannot swim, Willdo can.
After speaking to each other for a while, Willbo sent Willdo off to enjoy himself.
Willbo then sat near his fire for the remaining hours of the day. That is, until Gardalf the Grey came for a visit.
"Hello Willbo. You deep in thought? It wouldn't surprise me if you were."
"Yes Gardalf. In fact I am."
"What is on your mind then?" asked Gardalf.
"Well, I believe I do need a holiday. and I suppose it shall be long."
"Supposedly, how long and why?"
"Well, I have pondered on the subject for a while now, and I believe that I shall never come back the Shmire."
"Well Gardalf, because I just need to have an adventure before I finish my life and my book."
"Ah yes. I see. And your belongings?"
"They shall go to my heir, Willdo."
"Ah yes, of course. So, when shall you be going?"
"Tomorrow. After I make my speech."
"All right then, I shall discuss this with you tomorrow morning then I shall guess. Be up before 5:30."
"You can count on it."
And so Gardalf left Willbo's Pobbit Hole and Willbo stayed up for a bit longer and then went to sleep.
The next morning, Gardalf and Willbo discussed the matter of Willbo leaving the Shmire, and then they started the preparations for the party.
Soon, it was evening and the party went underway.
All of Willbo and Willdo's relatives and neighbors and friends attended, including some Pobbits that just near by in the Shmire.
"Well my friend, are you excited about out birthday party today?" asked Willbo to Willdo.
"I would suppose so." Answered Willdo.
"Excellent!" Willbo. "Now let us feast and drink!"
The party raved on for about four hours until Willbo came up to a stage that Shroomdalf and Willbo built themselves.
As Willbo came onto the stage, bright lights flashed and fireworks burst in air. (Courtesy of Gardalf)
The Pobbits still were talking after the fireworks were done.
"Ahem! AHem!" AHEM!" Willbo ahemed to try to get the audience's attention.
Willbo looked aggravated.
"EVERYBODY QUIET!" shouted Willbo.
The Pobbits stopped and looked at him.
"You didn't have to yell," said one of the Pobbits.
"Whatever. Now just listen to me. I have a very important announcement."
"WHAT IS IT?!"
"I want to thank you all for coming, but now, here is the announcement."
All the Pobbits all looked at him in awe.
"I am going to leave the Shmire forever. This is the end! GOOD BYE!"
And with saying that, a bright light and some razzle-dazzle covered up Willbo. Then Willbo slipped on something as he was covered and then slipped out. Invisible.
After the presentation ended, all the Pobbits wondered where the host went.
Willbo in fact, left for his home, and Gardalf knew why.
As for Willdo, after he stopped serving drinks, he went to by himself and wondered what had happened to his cousin.
Willbo was in his home, leaving several possessions of his in an envelope.
Then he saw it.
The Onion Ring.
Not just any Onion Ring, but a magic Onion Ring. It could turn you invisible. Willbo found it on an earlier journey, which also explains his writing of a book.
Willbo was looking at the Onion Ring, then put it in the envelope, and then put it on the hearth. He then quickly took it back just when Gardalf walked in.
"Hey Willbo, you gotta hear this joke that Steve told me, hey, wait a minute, what's that behind your back?"
"Very funny. Now seriously, what really is it?"
"Just some things I want to give my heir. That's all."
The two spoke for a while, and then Willbo told him that it was time for him to go.
"Have a pleasant journey, Willbo."
"Oh I will!" said Willbo happily as he skipped out his back door and when he was at the edge of Pobbiton (the town in which Willdo an Willbo lived) a few short chicks popped out of some bushes and joined Willbo.
Gardalf just laughed at it.
Then Willdo came inside the house.
Chapter II: Shades of the Past
"Hullo, Gardalf, what brings you here? if you pardon my asking." asked Willdo as he walked in.
"Yes, I do pardon your asking, thank you for asking, but I am just here to see Willbo off."
"Where is he, then?" asked Willdo.
"He left, I'm afraid."
"I wish I could've said good-bye."
"Ah, but I suppose it would have been better if you didn't."
"Now, on account of Willbo's possessions, he left some things for you." Gardalf pulled out the envelope from the hearth and gave it to Willdo.
"Go ahead and open it. No one will mind it."
Willdo opened the package and pulled it's items.
"A cloak, a checkerboard, a snow-globe, and-" Willdo stopped.
"What in the world is this?"
Willdo held up a deep-fried Onion Ring.
"Why the heck is there an Onion Ring in this pack?"
"That is a special Onion Ring, Willdo." asnwered Gardalf.
"Why's it so special? It seems ordinary enough to me, except the fact that it's ridges are smooth, and not flaky.
"It turns you invisible when you wear it."
"It doubles as a blender."
"Now Willdo, I know from whence it came from."
"You do? Where?!"
"I'm afraid to say that Malron created it."
"MALRON?" gasped Willdo. "Wait, who's Malron?"
"Well, we will get to that when I tell the story of that Onion Ring. Now listen...."
And so Gardalf told a tale so long about Mallum, Malron, the Onion Ring, blah blah blah blabblity blah blah that it took up the rest of this chapter.
Kwiksam was tending the lawn out front when Gardalf spun his tale of misery and woe.
"So this thing has to be destroyed or else Middle-Antarctica will be over-run by Dorcs and we all will be knitting socks?" Willdo asked.
"No! I told you we will be knitting long-johns and we'll be enslaved by Malron. Duh." answered Gardalf.
Kwiksam then peered inside, then looked away and came running in. "I will come with master Willdo! I am his gardner after all."
"Well, I don't feel like arguing and I happen to know you will after I refuse, so very well." said Gardalf.
And so the next chapter began.
Chapter III: Three is a crowd, nine is company
Gardalf left the Shmire early the next morning, but promised he would return. In the meantime, Willdo sold his home.
Willdo and one of his cousins, Exploregin Taken, otherwise known as Explorin, were over-seeing the Pobbits interested in buying Willdo's home.
Then one of Willdo's cousins, the Icegloo-Luggages, (actually an entire family of obnoxious, rude, and indecent folk) came bursting through, demanding the house, which Willdo gave up to them.
That night, Willdo, Kwiksam, and Explorin left the Shmire for Buckle-up land for a purpose only they knew of. Willdo wanted to leave, but for no particular reason at all.
They left that very night, and wandered for the Buckle-up land in West-Parting.
"My legs are tired," complained Kwiksam.
"I'm pretty sure pobbits don't have legs." Willdo said. "I think we have short excuses for legs."
The three stopped for a while and ate biscuits, then went on.
While they were walking, Explorin thought he had saw something.
"Just your imagination, probably, don't think too much of it." Willdo assured.
Then Kwiksam thought he heard something.
Willdo reassured them both.
Then Willdo saw and heard the clamping of hooves and figures shaped look pufmoses. (Puf-horses)
Then they all saw something, a horrible thing. A dark gray rider.
They all ran for cover, as the rider chased them with a blackened sword in wing.
Willdo took cover on the side of a small hill, Kwiksam took cover in some tall grass, (The Shmire had grassy fields and snowy areas as well, a rather strange geographical spot) and Explorin ran underneath Willdo.
The rider rode on, and the three stood up.
"What was that?!" asked Kwiksam, scared.
"I don't know, but whatever it was, it was weird." answered Willdo.
Then more riders came towards them. It was almost dawn.
Explorin and Kwiksam hid again, but Willdo stood there. "Get down! You'll get discovered!" Explorin said. "Nah, they aren't the dark gray riders. Trust me on this."
The riders stopped, and the one in the lead stepped down off of his pufmorse. (Pufmorses are tall creatures that resemble puffles, and some kind of creature called a that are called "horses")
"Who art thou?" asked the lead rider.
"Willdo Overmound." answered Willdo. (Gardalf told him to use that last name)
"Who are you?"
"I am Sir Slidor Gloriousmanwholikestoeatpeanutbutteronhistoast. Now what is your business, riding around at dawn, in West-Parting?"
"That's pretty specific, but I'll answer anyway. I'm just going to my new home in Creakhole, in Buckle-Up Land."
"Oh, very well then. But I must warn you about Dark-gray riders."
"We have encountered them already."
"Oh, all right then." Then Sir Slidor Gloriousmanwholikestoeatpeanutbutteronhistoast and his fellow riders rode off.
"What a strange person." said Kwiksam.
Chapter IV: Long Way to Pine Trees
The three were walking when they saw a farm. A Pine tree farm.
"What is this place?" asked Kwiksam.
"Why, it's a farm, Kwiksam." Willdo said.
Then, an old, wrinkled penguin came out, sporting a straw hat and pitchfork.
"WHO THE CHEESE ARE YOU?!" demanded the old bat.
"Three travelers." answered Explorin.
"Wait! I know you! Explorin!"
"Yes, Farmer Croppot. It's Explorin."
"Hey, Explorin, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, we're just passing through, trying to get to Creak-hole or something."
"I see. Would you like to ride the ferry to it?"
And so they all walked down to the docks, where the three boarded.
"Have a pleasant trip!" smiled Farmer Croppot.
When they were all settled, a figure popped out.
"Whose there?' asked Explorin.
"It's me! Ninjadoc Labelydoe!"
"Oh! Good ol' Nirry!" (Nere-rry) exclaimed Explorin.
"Now let us sail off!" shouted Nirry.
And thus ended an incredibly short chapter.
Chapter V: A Conspiracy Theory that is Untenable
The pobbits rode off to Creakhole, and then traveled to Willdo's new place.
"Nice place," said Nirry as they walked up to the house. When they went inside, there was Foamose 'Fatty Moose' Boldger, waiting for them, eating a pizza and drinking a soda.
"WHASSUP MY BROTHERS?!" said Fatty Moose.
"Nothing much Fatty Moose." said Willdo.
"Come Willdo! Your house is wonderful!"
"How the heck did you get in the first place?" asked Nirry.
"I know a guy. Now come in and feast on the meal I got at Creakhole Fried Fish!"
After eating, the group went into the den, where Nirry and Explorin stared at Willdo.
"What the heck are you guys doing?" asked Willdo.
"We know about the Onion Ring." said Nirry.
"You-you do?" stammered Willdo.
"ONION RING?" shouted Fatty Moose. "Give me the scoop on this onion ring of yours!"
With the three weirdos staring him down, Willdo unravled his tale, while Kwiksam got busy playing Vii Fit: 3rd age edition.
"All right all right. This whole ordeal started when Gardalf gave me this onion ring when Willbo left. Apparently, it was his before. So Gardalf gave it to me. That's basically it. Now stop staring at me!"
With Fatty Moose's question fulfilled, Willdo retired for the night. The other four speculated on where to go the next morning.
The next day Willdo, Nirry, Explorin, and Kwiksam decided to go through the Ye Olde Forest, afraid of the Dark-Gray Riders.
"We have no choice. They travel the roads." said Willdo.
Fatty Moose decided to stay behind and act as a decoy, just in case the riders came along.
The four then left for Ye Olde Forest.
Chapter VI: Ye Olde Forest
"Yeesh, Willdo. This old forest gives me the creeps." said Kwiksam.
"Don't worry. We'll be safe. Just as long as we don't tick off Old Penguin Pine." assured Willdo.
As they entered, Kwiksam still had doubts. "Still freaks me out."
While walking, Nirry and Explorin started singing a little song.
"While we walk, while we dance, while we go in our underpants,
we shall not stop, no not stop even for a cup of joe,
we like to walk and talk while Nirry goes
"Yo ho I blew my nose!"''
Willdo looked back at them, bewildered. "What in the world was that?"
"I have no idea. Do you Nirry?" asked Explorin.
"Nope," answered Nirry.
They began walking silently again, as Kwiksam was still being paranoid. He looked up, down and all around himself, not a thing in the forest looked particularly menacing, but he still wasn't sure about the whole ordeal.
Just then, Nirry stepped on a twig and cracked it. The others thought nothing of it, until a large tree used it's branches to stow away Nirry and Explorin in it's hollow trunk.
"Nirry, what time do you suppose it is?" asked Willdo. "Nirry?"
"HE IS IN MA STOMACH!!" shouted the large tree.
"Then you'd better let him out!" demanded Willdo.
"NO CAN DO! IF YOU WANT HIM BACK, FIGHT ME!"
Then the tree started to do something amazing. It started singing.
"AHEM. MME ME ME ME ME.
I AM THE OLD PENGUIN PINE,
AND I'M GOING TO THROW MY LEAVES AT YOU,
A HUGE SUPPLY OF TWIGS COMES FROM MY BIG TREE BUTT,
HOW ABOUT SOME LEAVES YOU LITTLE PEEVE?"''
DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL LIVE IN HERE?
YOU DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT WOODS YOUR IN,
SUNLIGHT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES IT THROUGH HERE,
HOW DO YOU THINK I KEEP THIS LOVELY TRUNK?!
"HAVE SOME MORE TREE BARK."
"Man you're weird," said Willdo. "Have you ever considered going to therapy?"
"NOW I'M GETTING RATHER MAD,
YOUR LIKE A POOPY LOOPY LEAFY LITTLE MORON,
AND WHEN I KNOCK YOU DOWN WITH ALL MY BARK,
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR HEAD AND RAM IT TO A TREE!"''
"THAT'S RIGHT! A TREE! A TREE! A TREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Willdo then winced as the Old Pine started to sing opera.
Then, from the top of the forest came crashing down several pieces of bark, tree, and leaves, crashing down upon The Old Pine, and releasing Nirry and Explorin.
Then, from the left side of the forest came a stout penguin singing a song.
Chapter VII: In the House of Snowtom B001
"Hello fellows! What are you doing here?" cheerfully asked the stout penguin.
"Well this weird tree just ate Nirry and Explorin and then sang, to his downfall," answered Willdo.
"Ah, Old Penguin Pine. Now come with me to my house and meet my fair lady friend, Silverberry."
"Will there be breakfast?" asked Nirry.
"Well, duh," said Snowtom.
As the five went to Snowtom's house, he told the pobbits about his "lady-friend", Silverball.
"She is the prettiest- well, I have no idea what she actually is, but regardless, still pretty".
"Something tells me that Snowtom is a little be mixed up in the head", commented Kwiksam to Willdo.
"I heard that!" replied Snowtom.