Metaling in Chi Con

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Metalmanager, let it forever be said that I am, and always will be, a man of my word. You are about to partake in an original, hand-written, quality, possibly never-to-be-finished-but-still-glorious, genuine, unaltered, and always entertaining TurtleShroom Production!!

Corai, I love your favorite show too: watch Jimmy Two Shoes for an hour or more at the break of day and try going back to sleep! Corai, I think it's about time I help you along with your work! Mister Icarius, Dara, Corai... I'm taking you all back to your never-used roots.

So, without further delay, I PRESENT: Metaling in Chi Con!

Prologue: TurtleShroom's Vacation[edit]

Metalmanager sniffed a bit as he sat on a chair in his candlelit room, writing sad poetry. No one, he assumed, liked him. No one gave him respect or notice. No one cared... -And worst, no one understood. He pushed his glasses up his beak a bit and looked down, sadly.

It was then, just outside, that what sounded like metallic clanging was heard.

Metalmanager got up and waddled to the door. He opened it and was a bit startled to see who was at the door.

He was a tall penguin, towering nearly a foot over everyone's favorite pessimist, and what he was wearing made it worse. Although, he didn't seem to be wearing what he usually did.

It was TurtleShroom. He was, strangely, in a ragged grey suit with a wrinkled blue tie. He was holding not his prized lantern nor a cane, but what seemed to be a pair of maracas. His crown, naturally, was present, but everything else... Wasn't. Even his black Rockhopper shoes seemed to lose their usually shiny appearance, and his face bore signs of what seemed to be major tiredness. TurtleShroom's ninja mask was not neatly tied in the back as it was normally, either. He seemed like a mess. He yawned.

"TurtleShroom Penguin Jones? Hey, I know you!"

TSP smiled weakly, before blinking a few times, his eyes only two-thirds open. Everyone knew him in some way.

"I am he."

"Darn, you're a mess!"

"Oh, I know. I was on vacation in my Club Penguin Igloo... -And I was surprised that my Membership expired. I had failed to pay, it seems, as I've been so busy with the rest of my life. They came in the night, while I was sleeping... Swiped my player card and emptied anything of value... Snatched repossessed my vacation home... Everything."

"Wait, since you're not a citizen of Club Penguin, how did that happen?"

"In saying this, you are correct." the exhausted TurtleShroom replied in his usual lofty-but-warm tone. "However, and I should have known this, but you can't use CP-brand items in Club Penguin if you fail to pay Membership rent. Since I was in Club Penguin, and since their ordinances repossession of all, I do mean ALL, membership privileges that are possible... Well, now you know. Normally, they'd just repossess my vacation home because I was not there, but alas... Shot happens, I presume. Much like the time I accidentally shot MobileShroom with the Deletion Rod... -But that's another tale, and certainly not why I am here."

"Dictator Jones," MM inquired, "I don't think the phrase is shot happens, it's-"

TurtleShroom glared a fiery glare at MM as he slapped his flipper over his beak. As he took it off, MM spoke again.

"It's stuff happens, TurtleShroom. What did you think I was going to say?! Man, you must be grumpy."

TurtleShroom chuckled a bit.

"Indeed I am. May I come in?"


TurtleShroom waddled slowly in and fell over on one of Metal's sofas. His crown clanked to the floor.

"I didn't sleep a bit last night. The repo penguins and the television kept me up. It's odd, since I can't sleep in this position either... Due to the fact that I am a penguin. Why am I laying down?"

"SO, why are you here?"

TurtleShroom stretched a bit and sat his crown back where it belonged.

"I've heard rumors that you feel unappreciated, overworked, and misunderstood."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Not Shroomsky's wiretaps, assuredly!"


"Such a thing is beyond the point. Metalmanager Mercy... I'm giving you a vacation!"


"Absolutely. You certainly deserve one. They may have taken my things, but they can't touch my funds or items offshore."


"I've booked your travel already, and worry not, you have excellent lodging. There's the most adorable little girl who opened her home up to you."


"What?" TurtleShroom yawned deeply. "I like penguins in robes. I'm sure she'll like you. You are an inventor, are you not?"

"Absolutely. I made the Wheelbarrel."

"Oh, I've heard of that! My brother funded you there, didn't he?"


"Well, so be it. The penguin you're staying with is a master inventor herself. Maybe you can share tips or employment!"

"She has a job?"


"With what?"

"Uhh... I think it starts with a 'S' and is followed by an... 'A'... Meh, I'm too tired to remember."

Metalmanager smiled.

"We depart at dawn."

"It's winter."

"Then we depart at 7:30 AM."

"It's 7:28 AM, TurtleShroom."

TurtleShroom got up.

"Then pack everything, we must make haste!"

MM nodded and stuffed everything he needed into his player card, as well as some money.

"Hurry my good man, hurry! Gravy, can't you waddle any FASTER?" TurtleShroom called out to the penguin.

"YOU TRY packing all of these paper and pencils!"

MM ran out and saw that TurtleShroom was standing near the sidewalk, next to a manhole with the first calligraphic letter in TSP's signature engraved on it.

"Where's our ride?"

"Turn around, please."


"Do you want to go or not?"

MM turned around. TurtleShroom reached into his player card and pulled out the Deletion Rod. He shook it a few times until the crook finally glowed with energy. Gripping the W, and aiming it at MM, TurtleShroom commented.

"Hold still."


Since TSP was out of the jurisdiction of the Clubb Phengin Weekee, the Deletion Rod couldn't do as much as it could there. Metalmanager passed out cold. TurtleShroom grabbed him by the shirt collar and struggled in dragging him to the manhole. He pulled them in, and they landed in a strange set of catacombs.

TurtleShroom continued to drag the knocked out MM, making sure to knock him out cold each time he started coming to. After about thirty minutes, TurtleShroom couldn't move any more. He was just too tired. It was then, though, that a voice called out.


TSP gasped and thought to himself: "Not this, NOT NOW!"

"I's just wonderin' through dese here Holyberden tunnels and lo and behold, I found ya!"

"Why are you always in my tunnels?! These are for Holyberden and Inquisition employees ONLY!"

"That don't mattuh. What mattuhs is that you're a-holdin' on to a knocked out Emoguin and can't seem to go any longuh."

"Yes I am, you fool, and I need some help... That does not come from you."

"Where ya headin'?"

TurtleShrooom whispered into where the monstuh's monster's ear would be.

"I can get ya there lickity split!"

"You know I don't like you."

"Sure ya do! I'm Boss XeXeXe! EVERY TURTLENATOR LIKES ME!"

"No they don't, sir, no they don't."


TurtleShroom (penguin) blinked in surprise. Didn't Explorer say 'meh' all the time? Could there be a connection between his best friend and one of his worst enemies?!

Before he could put any more thought on it, Boss XeXeXe scooped up Metalmanager with his snowshovel and grabbed TurtleShroom.


XeXeXe took off running, and in no time, they reached the manhole they were heading for. TurtleShroom smiled.

"Thank you, XeXeXe."

"Always glad to serve the Absoulte Energie, der gefürchtete Schildkröte-Pilz, Diktator der Penguin-Enzyklopädie!"

"You're the only penguin who's memorized my full title."


With that, Boss XeXeXe grabbed TurtleShroom and MM, and speedily twirled them around and around until he had enough strength to throw them upwards.

He waved goodbye as they both flew out of the manhole and onto a beach. There was a beautiful forest where the sand stopped, and penguins seemed to be playing hide and seek amongst the trees... -But then, roaring was heard and they ran.

TurtleShroom knocked Metalmanager out again for good measure, and dragged him to a bus stop on the road in the distance, and MM was loaded on the bus and given instructions as to where to go.

A sign greeted him:


XeXeXe turned to face his nemesis.


"Yer goin' down, Kerbpuff!"grunted XeXeXe. Kerbpuff continued to nibble on XeXeXe's feet.


Without further ado, Mecha Baron swept in and pinned Kerbpuff against the cavern wall.

"This is payback for my ship," the baron said flatly. Kerbpuff began to chew on his fur, oblivious to the situation.

"Hey! This is my fight, ya pompous puffle!"XeXeXe swung his snowshovel down onto Mecha Baron, who promptly teleported behind XeXeXe and knocked the snowshovel out of his flippers.

With further ado, the two began to fight. A squadron of XeXeXe's puffles and the Mecha Goons appeared instantly and jumped into the chaos. Meanwhile, Kerbpuff began sniffing the area for food.

Yes... Food... What was that whiff? Kerbpuff began to follow it through the cavern.

Was that scent... Waffles? Oh, joy!

Kerbpuff raced towards a manhole opening, labeled "PHI MANOR, LIVING QUARTERS OF AVIATOR G". It emanated with the succulent smell of freshly-made waffles... Tons of them. They smelled of savory O-Berry syrup, soft, fluffy whipped cream, and cool, refreshing vanilla ice cream. Whoever was in there must have been eating like a king!

Saliva literally gushed out of Kerbpuff's beak. The pink mutant couldn't resist. He bounded through the opening.

Chapter One: Misery's in the Job Description[edit]

It was another beautiful day in the dismal slums of Chi Con. Heh heh, well, if you're me, a hazy, humid, tropical day where creatures capable of sweating do and the sky is overcast... Is beautiful.

The Chi Conian Town- not the sparkling Royal Town, mind you -has attracted all sorts of positively heinous penguins and creatures to dwell amongst these project shacks. The general lawlessness of the country makes it easy for me to do what I do best: destroying stuff and ruining others' days! Yeah baby!

It's a shame, though, that the glorious hunk of sexy penguin, Corai, is too busy to come down to these ghettos. It's where all the fun is. Not at all like my home next to his, where everything is all bright and shiny and blah blah blah blah blah! Of course, the ability to peek over the fence and stare at Corai all day long more than makes up for the lack of misery.

I sighed deeply at the thought of that handesome penguin. One day, I will marry him and have three chicks and we will live happily while I go about my day job causing misery. It'd be perfect: I'm happy, with Corai, and I still get to destroy stuff and make others miserable. I need to cut back on that word, though: what saynonyms are there for misery?

My train of thought was interrupted as a bus screeched to a halt and tossed put a penguin. I laughed. More people to upset for my boss!

I went over to get a good look at this fellow. Hmm... thick black hair, a long black shirt, black shoes, white sleeves... -But it was mostly black. His clothes were a bit tight on him, too. I grinned, my smile stretching from one end of my beak to the other. This was one of those Emoguins! Ha ha, JACKPOT! Maybe I could make him cry to the point of him writing poetry! Then I'd burn his poetry; yes!

I quickly turned to the bus and whipped out a handy push-button remote. With one movement of my flippr, I broke the bus down. Ah, the sweet smell of messing stuff up in the day... It's too bad penguins smell too well, but hey, that's life.

I looked down at the emotionally unstable penguin. He was a foot taller than me, at least, and he seemed to be unconcious. I quickly grabbed him and tried to sit him up on a bench that was nearby... -But he was too phreaking heavy. Oh well.

I was about to draw a mustache on him when I recieved a call. It was my no-good, lousy boss. How I loathe him because he loathes Corai... -But a contract's a contract. I pulled out my EPF Phone, that I took from some poor sap a while back, and saw his ugly little Demon Penguin face on the monitor.


my boss shouted, "Give me a status report! What misery have you caused?"

I responded, using my other flipper to twirl my hair a bit as I began to list.

"Well, I sprayed some penguin with water, I threw a bunch of snowballs at a little white puffle, I shredded a guy's cheese when he asked for cubed- heh heh -I broke another penguin's car... Oh, and I blew the tires out on a bus!!"

I turned to the bus and laughed.

"Well, that's a start... -But you've got a quota to meet!"

"Yes sir." I responded.

"Icarius Fire III, out!"

He vanished on the screen. Thank goodness.

I turned back to the misundertood penguin lying on the sidewalk. I feel sorry for whoever that sucker's staying with while he's in Chi Con. He seemed to be waking up. This is my chance...

I pulled out an air horn and slowly moved over to the penguin. This was no ordinary air horn: I modified it myself! It's ten times as loud as your normal air horn, guarenteed to upset your friends and neighbors, now only seventeen Fis- wait, was I advertising products to myself again? Mercy, I have GOT to stop doing that!

I turned back to the Emoguin. As he opened his sad little eyes, I blew my super air horn with all my might. The blast rattled the windows of the nearby buildings. Even I cringed as the sound screeched through the air.

It worked like a charm; the Emoguin screamed and jumped what looked like a foot in the air, clutching his chest and fumbling with his glasses until he could steady himself. I couldn't help but laugh!

"Ha ha ha ha!"

He camed down a bit. Oh, I'd better hide the air horn, play that "sweet innocent penguin" act... I'll lull him into a false sense of security, and BOOM! Misery city! I quickly brushed my robes off of any dirt and debries, cobed my hair a bit, and put on my kindest smile.

"Where.... Where am I? Am I in Chi Con? Is... Is this the place?"

"Welcome to Chi Con, new penguin! This is the lower area of the Town. Not to be confused with the Royal Town."

The Emoguin turned to look at me. He frowned. I guess he wasn't won over by my whole "cute" act. Meh, neither is Corai...

"So," he said a bit angrily, "You're the robed penguin?"

I gestured to my robes and gave him a "you asked a really dumb question" look.

"Duh." I said.

"Oh great, another smartmouth. I'm staying with you?"

.......... OH SWEET CRACKERS. He's staying with me? Drat! As if Mister Icarius is enough responsibility, I've got this emo kid following me, too? Oh, of all my luck...

"Welcome to Chi Con." I told him flatly, in my usual voice.

"My name is Dara, and I am the leading scientist for Icarius SadCo, Incorporated."

"Oh joy."

"No, misery." I said, laughing a bit.

"It's an expression, doofus."

I glared. This penguin didn't seem to be easily pushed around. I was about to reply, but I was surprised as the stupid penguin vanished before my very eyes. Where could he have gone?

I outstretched my flippers in a stance of readiness. Anytime now, he would sneak up on me and...

It was then that my idea came true. Faster than one could say "Jimmy", I was grabbed by my hair and yanked to the floor. That pesky Emoguin let go of my ponytail and materialized, towering above me. He was wping his flippers on one-another, smirking.

"Well, Robey, are you going to try and mess with me again?"

Oh, he had to go there, didn't he? I said nothing, but stood back off and brushed the dirt off my robes again.

"That's no way to treat a lady." I said, scoffing at him.

"Show me a lady and I'll agree."

Oh, burn! He's better than I thought... I sighed.

"Well, I guess you're staying with me for a while, right?"


"Well, let's get to waddling, then. I have a quota to meet. Oh, and excuse me for a moment."

I ducked into an alley and called Mister Icarius. He appeared on the screen, strangely lacking his suit, but instead wearing a shower cap.

"AAH! Dara, what have I told you calling me? I call you, you don't call me, you fool! I'm in the middle of my boiling shower! It's just now at two hundred twelve!"

"Sorry boss." I replied to the bathing demon, "I just need to inform you of a problem."

"Well, make it snappy. I have to go wax my horns after this."

"Well... There's a problem with my quota today."

"What is it?"

"Apparently, those free amusement park tickets I got you by charming over some dumb king..."

"Uh huh?"

"Had a price attached after all. I have to babysit that."

I held the phone to the penguin that had sassed me.

"Okay, fine. I'll cut your quota down to accomadate this. However, in return, I expect you to make him miserable, or at the very least, anguished."

"I don't know, sir. He's really good at countering."

"He's an Emoguin, isn't he?"


"Burn his poetry or something."

I rolled my eyes. I had that idea a while back.

"Yes sir. He mustn't be that hard to crack."

"That's a good girl. Have a horrible day!"

"Right back at you, Mister Icarius."

He hung up. Well, now that I had permissions, I guess I'd better take him home now.

I waddled back out and looked at him. He looked back at me.

"Well... I guess we're going now."

"Indeed. Let's wait for a second bus."

At that moment, another bus came zooming over the horizon. It didn't stop in time, and it rear-ended the bus whose tires I had flattened. I laughed. No one was hurt, but they were all shaken up, and the driver got a face full of airbag. Ha ha, sweet misery! I boarded with the penguin. Everyone quickly moved to the back as I and he sat down. We were off to the shiny, sparkling Royal Town, and my house. Maybe Corai will be there today!

Chapter Two: Dara and Metalmanager[edit]

We rode on the bus, surrounded by ugly penguins and other monster-looking creatures. Chi Con sure had low immigration standards. The pessimist lodging with me didn't seem to be scared or unnerved as we slowly exited the ghettos and run-down buildings. The overcast sky above grew darker as we travelled down the road to the overly pristine Royal Town. I looked to the back and smiled at those who cowered at my presence, and then glanced my attention to the slums I so enjoyed frequenting.

Since the immigration boom, Chi Con had become, in some places, a polluted den of sadness, dispair, and poverty. Monstrous creatures rejected elsewhere found solace in this nearly-anarchic country, since the law was focused primarily on the good parts of town. How I loved the state of choas this country was in!

I turned to the black penguin and decided to strike a conversation with him.

"So kid, what's your name, and what are you doing in such a cruddy place as this?"

"Metalmanager Mercy. I'm here on vacation."

I put my hand on my flipper and tried to restrain my laughter.

"Heh heh *snort* ... This place? A VACATION? Who was the idiot that sent you here?"

"I'd rather not say."

"You can tell me. Misery loves company!"

"Fine. It was Dictator Jones."

"TurtleShroom? Well, that makes a lot of sense. He's gullible and stupid."