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The PASTORIUM (Participatory Athletic Sporting Tournaments and Outstanding Recreation for Intra-Unoian Minors) is a rec league consisting of sports teams in the Unoian Valley area. It consists of small municipalities like Mattress Village, Xenuville, dozens of unnotable towns, Yoenah), and the city of Snellville in a schedule of exhibitionary games of baseball.

Or, in other words, the PASTORIUM is a small-time Unoian baseball league.

Affectionally called the "Micro League" or the "Micros"- a pun on notable baseball leagues being called the "Majors" and "Minors" -the PASTORIUM is a very popular pasttime in the rural areas of Eastshield, where creatures of all species and age band together to see who can beat who in baseball.

Unlike modern baseball, the PASTORIUM still uses the Knickerbocker Ruleset (the original RL rules of baseball), which confuses foreign spectators coming to play and Unoians visiting baseball stadiums.


The PASTORIUM was founded by The Reverend Isee Ur Knickers, a Governance priest in what was to become Mattress Village, in 1950. Baseball had been around for decades prior, but Rev. Knickers edited the game to make it last longer and removed concepts like "home runs" and foul balls counting as strikes.

It was an immediate success. The Unoians were simple folk with too much freetime when there were not any crops to grow, so this extra-long version of baseball was used to take up as much time as they could.

Today, the PASTORIUM league retains the "Knicker Rules", as opposed to the rest of the continent's baseball games, which are played as one would expect.


If the rule is not listed, the two are identical. These differences are real.

Baseball rule Knickers rule
Baseball diamonds are to be 127 feet 3-3/8 inches exactly, ninety feet to each base. Baseball diamonds are 126 feet exactly, eighty nine and one-tenth of a foot each base.
Nine innings are to be played. Each inning is divided into halves, and when one team gets three outs (consisting of three strikes), the other team is up. The one with the most runs at the end of the nine innings win. Whosoever scores twenty one runs first wins. Teams are permitted to bat and alternate infinitely until this number is reached. When one team gets three outs (consisting of three strikes), the next team is at bat.
A ball knocked out of the field's back fence, but not outside of the range of first and third base is a home run and not in play. The outfield is infinite unless there is a fence. If a fence is present, any ball over that fence is a foul ball. There are no home runs.
Unless the batter has two strikes against him, foul balls count as strikes, to discourage unlimited (and on purpose) fouls by the batter. No foul ball is ever counted as a strike.
Bunting may be used to avert the strike system, but a bunted foul ball becomes a strike, to discourage unlimited bunts by the batter. Bunting is forbidden.
Refusing to swing at a ball is a strike. Balls thrown across a specific line where the batter is capable of hitting it ("strike zone") count as such. All others are balls. Refusing to swing at a ball does not count against the player and is always a ball.
Four balls allow the batter to walk to first base. Players can rack up infinite balls.
If a ball hits the ground, it is fair and does not get the player out. Caught balls are out. A caught ball is an out, but if the player can catch the ball after it's first bounce, it will also be counted as out.
All baseball fields must have a fence, so that players don't have to run all day to find the ball. Balls that go over the fence but within the bases are home runs. Unoian fields do not need a fence. If there is no fence, the outfield is infinite. If there is a fence, a ball going over it in any circumstance is a foul.
Players may pitch the ball most however they please, overhanded or overhanded, but can not use the spitball, nor gum. Players can only pitch underhanded, without exception. (Like modern softball.)
Baseball players must wear safety gear, including helmets, padding, and other protective items. No gear is required except a uniform and a baseball bat, not even gloves. However, it is reccomended (but not required) that catchers, pitchers, and umpires wear protective gear.


Currently, the following teams are registered on the PASTORIUM circuit.

Team name Representing Mascot Colors Uniform Notes
Mattress Village Snesses Western ("urban") Matress Village A dancing video game console White and purple Short pants, short-sleeved striped shirt, a baseball cap, and black shoes with tube socks This side of Mattress Village consists of the commuters, shopkeepers, small businesses, and apartment dwellers. Few can pronounce their name, but the "SN" is pronounced like in "snail".
Mattress Village Combines Easter ("rural") Mattress Village A dancing combine harvester Harvest gold and brown Full overalls with a sash with the team colors Consisting of the sparse, expansive farms all over the countryside outside of the paved Mattress Village downtown.
Happy Purple City Zealots Weirdology headquarters and complex It seems to be a dancing PogoPunk X (O_O) Purple and more purple The Weirdology cult uniform
Snellville Welcomers Snellville This thing, with feet, hands, and a face added. Green and white Baseball helmets
It is Well Enemies It is Well Pass This human in a black robe Black and red Geneva gown with red trim and a clerical collar Matching the area's ironic name, the Enemies consist of the bold (good) residents that live amongst the feral creatures that prowl through the pass. They are, in fact, a very civil and sports and good-natured fellows.
Lily Steppe Splunkers Lily Steppe A dancing cave explorer Dark blue and dark grey Mining helmet with team colored armbands Lily Steppe is home to also home to a cave that was important to the SkyBound chick's quest. The cave was converted into a permanent baseball field called "Sports Sanctuary", and its gaurdian is now the umpire, having been freed from Porkchop's control.
Great Leap Forth Explorers The Great Leap Forth A dancing footprint with eyes, a mouth, arms, and legs White and light grey Knickerbockers and a long-sleeved shirt This is the closest thing any PASTORIUM team gets to a real baseball uniform.
Doubletown State Penitentiary Immigrants Doubletown, Singin' Singin' Penitentiary A local illegal immigrant (chosen from the prison) Brown and dark brown Orange jumpsuits with a brown belt and a chain on their left foot, or, alternately, brown and white-striped robes with a chain on their right foot (no weight) This is actually the Singin' Singin' Penitentiary sports team. Convicts with "good" behavior who refuse to join the prison choir, band, etc. can join the Immigrants and play in the PASTORIUM. Since Doubletown has such a plague of illegals, there are always enough plauers.
Doubletown Border Dodgers Doubletown A dancing cactus with an eagle on it Red, white, and green Dressed similarily to the Nachos Doubletown is mostly a shanty town of untrustworthy, undocumented, and possibly illegal immigrants, with a few legit citizes. The Border Dodgers are often monitored by security guards and checked for citizenship papers. They miss many of their scheduled games because a player is found to be an illegal and is sent to Singin' Singin Penitentiary.

Note that all uniforms have numbers on them, regardless of what they are. Teams are required to "dress uniquely" and "recognizably" on the field.


  • This is just a baseball league inspired by Ness' (Earthbound) use of a baseball bat, Ralphie's (Magic School Bus) love of baseball, and RL TurtleShroom's father's and paternal grandfather's playing and coaching of the game in college, as well as TS' RL family's general athleticism.
  • In reality, the Knickerbocker Ruleset was the original governing system of baseball. It was edited throughout the mid-1800s to get what we know today as baseball.
  • All of the cities and locations here, spare a few obvious ones, are Earthbound parodies and are situated in the Uno Valley area.
  • Doubletown in particular is a parody of Earthbound's Twoson. The illegals are a comedic joke referencing Tucson, Arizona. Singin' Singin' Prison is a reference to one of America's worst prisons (in the old days), Sing Sing Prison of New York State.
  • A pastorium is a house- funded by the church -where a preacher lives on the church grounds. Pastoriums could be used in lieu of a priestly salary to compensate for a preacher's work.
  • TurtleShroom has played in the PASTORIUM before. He's actually not that bad, but that's only when he's batting. He can't catch.
  • Russel and Ned are both extremely gifted baseball players and have participated in the PASTORIUM.
  • Tourists and conspiracy theory tourists often stop by to watch a PASTORIUM game, just to see a weird varient of baseball be performed.

See also[edit]