Penguins: A Threat to Human Society
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|Penguins: A Threat to Human Society?|
Induces instant ZOMG-ROTFL.
|Author||Isaiah Paul Freeley and Seamore Buttes|
|Cover artist||TurtleShroom Productions|
|Country||An exotic, mystical land|
Washed up on Club Penguin, |
Penguins: A Threat to Human Society, also known as Penguins - A Threat to Human Society? and P3N6U1N$: @ 7#[email protected] 70 #[email protected] $0(137^, is an absolutely wacko book self-published and co-authored by two humans named Isaiah Paul Freeley and Seamore Buttes. Published as a paperback, the book tells the story of an international conspiracy governed by penguins to destroy all humans, and how penguins create propaganda. It is, as of 2016, a bestseller, and provides excellent fundraising for the EPF.
- 1 Background
- 2 The Text
- 2.1 Ch 1: Introduction
- 2.2 Ch 2: Penguins
- 2.3 Ch 3: What we must do
- 2.4 Ch 4: The Penguin Invasion
- 2.5 Ch 5: The Penguin Spyware of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
- 2.6 Ch 6: Penguin Sympathysts
- 2.7 Ch 7: History of Penguins
- 2.8 Ch 8: Kindling for our Fireplace, Where Art Thou?
- 2.9 Ch 9: Track 'Em Down
- 2.10 Ch 10: Penguinian Tactics
- 2.11 Ch 11: Penguinian Tactics, Level Upgrade
- 2.12 Summary
- 3 Legacy
- 4 Human Opinions
- 5 Creature Opinions
- 6 Trivia
On April 1st, 2009, three strange, enormous crates washed up on the shores of Club Penguin. A penguin was passing by, and wondering if it might be some treasure, he hired a construction crane and transported them to his igloo. However, when he got out of the crane and was about to open the boxes, he realized what the date was, and, worried it might be some dangerous prank intended for whoever first opens it, he shoved them into his backyard shed (with the help of the crane), and forgot about it.
A week later, at night, few amateur thieves broke into his shed. They saw the huge crates, and, being totally amateur, they went and knocked on his door to ask what they were. He was about to call the EPF to arrest them, when he realized he could use them for his own advantage and get them to open the crates; so he did. Armed with a penknife, they worked steadily on it, and only had all the crates open by morning.
The penguin and his new companions took a deep breath, and opened them. Inside them, somewhat disappointingly, were books entitled Penguins: A Threat to Human society?. They were annoyed that their work was for nothing, and they were about to take them to the second-hand store, when one of the "thieves" suggested taking them to the EPF. This turned out to be a great idea for the "thief", as he was awarded a large sum of coins and a gold medal.
At first, the EPF considered banning and destroying the book due to its content, but luckily for the market, an agent read it and laughed out loud. When questioned what for, she said that the book was hilarious. The others read it too, and they decided to sell it for EPF fundraising, at 7 coins each. To make it look more appealing, they got Turtleshroom Productions to use the moustachioed penguin stickers inside all the copies to somehow make an award-winning design on the cover.
The penguin at Turtleshroom Productions, however, was feeling quite lazy, so he just painted the book black, typed out the title and the authors' names in yellow sans serif, and stuck on the moustachioed penguin any old way. The EPF, when they re-received the books, didn't really mind anyway, as it looked better than the previously blank paperback.
At first, nobody was interested. Only a few crackpot weirdo potential Str00dels bought it, and they just threw it to the second-hand store half an hour later. However, suddenly, fortunately for the fundraising, the Hallowed Sect of Our Lord, the Honorable Ernie, also known as the Cult of Weirdology, took a sudden interest with the book, and they began promoting it. This caused your average, day-to-day penguin to get curious at what the fuss was about, so more penguins bought it.
When they read it, they found out what a hilarious classic they were missing out on, and it quickly became a bestseller, and had a few bootleg editions published in various forms, including a pocket edition. Even though some penguins began to talk about reconsiderations of an official reprint by one of the major publishers, such as Casterpenguin, these rumours were quickly dispelled by the EPF stating that the rights to the book are in their flippers, nobody else's, and they will not sell it off to anybody else.
However, one day, when the fuss about the book was over and it was slowly sinking into obscurity, your average EPF agent sold his own copy of the book for 14 coins. A few days later, he suddenly began regretting this action, and he went into the EPF warehouse to find himself another copy. When he opened the door to the warehouse, he saw a shocking sight - there were no more copies of the book left. He contacted the Director of the Warehouse and EPF Funding, and they decided to just print it as the sole title of the EPF Fundraising Society. When this was announced and the project launched, interest in the book was spurred again.
To this day, many penguins are buying this book, and laughing at the hilarity contained in it. Although this is just a piece of "amuse yourself" text, it is currently being investigated by the more serious members of the PSA, the Geek Squad and the EPF, just in case. It is completely and utterly stupid, but is a real page turner, as everyone knows this is not true. In fact, the humans themselves are said to laugh at this publication.
Ch 1: Introduction
Long ago Penguins and Humans fought a war for the galaxy, and after a thousand years of war with trillions captured, humans did the unthinkable in a last desperate act - humans denied their enemy victory. As remaining human forces fell back to earth, Humans razed all worlds with orbital bombardment. Humans won the P-Day Invasion only to fight a losing battle against overwhelming odds. Only one inhabitable planet remains for humans - Earth, which the penguins now have a foothold on. We are now in a corner some say we put ourselves in.
Ch 2: Penguins
They are an evil race with no sense of mercy. They have a cold collective thought and function somewhat like a hive mind. All that we know of them is that they destroy everything encountered. In the words of the Lord Peng, the penguin's leader, "We have no beginning, we have no end, we are infinite. Before us, you are nothing. We are the end of everything."
Nobody knows exactly where the penguins came from, but leading scientists have come to the conclusion that they come from somewhere extra-galactic.
Ch 3: What we must do
It is now that we, as humans, must stand and be strong. Long is the hour that man fights for peace. We have seen it, we have breathed it, and now we will live it! We all know that we have a right to life. It is a right to be free! Our fight is not for kingdom or country. It is not for spoils or financial gain. We will fight for that which matters most! Our existance! Let this day be the day that we yell out from the skys to Earth! No penguin should be given pity nor remorse. We must hit them swiftly, and bluntly before they hit us again! So stand with me now, brothers, as I say this!
Ch 4: The Penguin Invasion
Unfortunately for us, the massive penguin invasion has begun. The penguins have infiltrated various important places including the White House, NERV, the Great Wall of China, Switzerland and France, as well as their home base of Argentina, and their civilian colony in Antarctica, which is used to help raise their numbers here on Earth.
They have also taken over by force: Germany where they were the true power behind WWII, as well as the heads of the Axis; South Africa as the driving force behind apartheid; France where they introduced that fiendish instrument of torture, the bicycle; and Hati where they like to take holidays in the sun. The only thing holding back this invasion is the Canadian Polar Bear Special Forces, but all mankind must unite in order to defeat the penguin armies.
Ch 5: The Penguin Spyware of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
In their constant attempt to destroy all humanity and rule the earth, penguins have developed special mind control spyware, designed to control your mind, in case you haven't figured that out. They would place this spyware into regular stores, and when someone bought it, it would be activated and the person would soon become yet another penguin minion. Spyware includes stuffed animals, the internet game Club Penguin, various movies (March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Surf's Up, etc.), and sardines. You must be careful with anything that seems related with penguins in any way, shape, or form, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S CUDDLY! It is vitally important not to get, for example, a cuddly toy penguin with matching t-shirt or you will get Pengitis. Pengitis is a very deadly disease; if you have it you will know by the immediate loss of YOUR FACE.
Ch 6: Penguin Sympathysts
Unfortunately, many human beings, especially children, have been attracted by the cute and cuddly image of penguins that is promoted by the evil International Penguin Conspiracy. Such misguided humans are called penguins sympathists. They can be readily identified by holding up a toy penguin or a photo of a baby penguin, to which they will repond with, "Ohhh, isn't it cute!" Then people should respond by saying "AHHHHHH!!! Run for you lives!!! Send the Penguin-lover to gaol!!!" These people can usually be persuaded of their errors with a short course of torture, but in some cases organisations can also become penguin sympathistic, and these are more difficult to reform. Well-known penguin sympathists include: JO MOMMA!!!
Ch 7: History of Penguins
Penguins are an ancient race whose origins are mostly unknown, but it is speculated that they were brought into existence after an icberg had to use the lavatory, shocked his waste, and penguins came into existence, like Frankenstein. In the words of Lord Guin, "We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Before us you are nothing. Millions of years after your kind has been eradicated and forgotten, we will endure. No-one knows why they are doing this, but it is speculated this cycle has been going on longer than we can fathom. We can never comprehend Human goals or motives, so we will eradicate them."
Ch 8: Kindling for our Fireplace, Where Art Thou?
Originally the longest section, most of this chapter has been accidently torn out due to damp, and thus a handwritten note is stuck on all original copies, saying "Needs more text". The remains of the text is retained in the reprint. This is what remains of it. All we know is that it originally contained a lot of exclamation marks.
Therefore, after doing this, we must throw all penguin-related things into the fireplace!! Down with Club Penguin merchandise! Down with Happy Feet! If you do not have a fireplace, then go and make a fire in your back-yard! If you do not have that, then next time you go camping, burn it there! As the meme goes, "KILL IT!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!" We will have to eradicate all the traces of penguins and their means of propaganda! Or else, as Lord Guin puts it, "We are infinite. We are many, and you Humans are few. We shall destroy all Humans and their incomprehendable devices. Penguins shall forevermore rule the Earth." Would YOU like to be ruled over by penguins?!?
Ch 9: Track 'Em Down
Once we have burnt as many penguin-related items as we can, we humans will have to begin "Operation: Track 'Em Down". As the mane suggests, this means that armed anti-penguin activists and the Canadian Polar Bear Special Forces will storm into the zoos and anywhere else where live penguins may be located, and we will have to force them out! Trap them in nets! Contain them in cages! Then, we will put these captured creatures mercilessly into rocking boats to dump at their penguin colonies in Antarctica, and keep them prisoner there with more help from the Polar Bears! Eventually, Lord Guin will surrender and leave the Earth to ourselves! Down with penguins, I say! Up with polar bears!
Ch 10: Penguinian Tactics
Back to the subject of the Lord Guin's invasion. If the above war methods do not work (Penguinitis, Happy Feet, etc.), then they will ditch the soft-power, and try going to hardish-power. "Hardish-power" is an exclusively Penguinian word, which is a special war tactic only used by the Penguins! Yes, penguins wage war too!!! "Hardish-power" involves penguins going undercover as either Mary Sue-like humans, really talented humans, or as humans in penguin costumes promoting the world of penguins to get innocent, gullible children and their parents tangled into the PENGUIN SPYWARE OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! Notable members of the "Hardish-power" division of Lord Guin's army include: PENGUIN CAFE ORCHESTRA!!!!!!!!
Ch 11: Penguinian Tactics, Level Upgrade
"Hardish-power" can only be defeated by their forces being defeated with the non-penguin sympathists who wield pitchforks, and by letting loose the Canadian Polar Bear Special Forces into the crowd. When this happens, Lord Guin's army is forced to upgrade a level: HARD POWAH AND BEYOND!!! This involves sending UFOs and comets into the sky to distract everybody, whilst the veterans of the "Hardish-power" storm into the post office, blocking all means of communication! Terror! This should never happen, my brothers! Take no notice; comets are a lie! Stand with me as I say this!
TL;DR - Penguins are the source of all the trouble in the world! Their propaganda is excellent! Get rid of all penguin-related things, and send penguin sympathisers to gaol!
According to the few humans living in and around Antarctica, the legacy of this book is about as thick as a shaving of wood. In short, nobody takes this book for real - many know and believe that it is just a piece of ridiculous nonsense. Even the greedy Bill Gate$ agrees. One of the two possible reasons why this book is so ridiculed is that one, it's self-published; and two, it's a silly-sounding attack on penguins.
With average penguin society, it's legacy is even less. Everybody, apart from the few from the Cult of Weirdology, doesn't take it at all seriously, which is understandable, as, after all, it is negative about penguins.
This book is so stupid, that confirmed humans themselves ridicule it.
|“||HEY! I found some kindlen for our fireplace!||”|
|“||I recently ran a $urvey on my web$ite. 99.99% of all people $urveyed $aid thi$ "wa$ the dumbe$t wa$te of paper ever publi$hed".||”|
|“||This was worse than when people used my song as a prank.||”|
|“||w3lL, @ le3ASt | hAve s0M3thING 2 bL0W mY n0z3 wif.||”|
|“||Highly illogical. Like saying Windows is superior to Macin-(gets knocked out by random penguin)||”|
|“||This is worse than Vogon poetry.||”|
Surely you all have SOMETHING to say about this!
|“||ZOMG! This is the funniest comedy that's not comedy I ever read! TERNS will rule the the world! MWAHAHA!||”|
|“||Fail, just fail.||”|
|“||Who even thought of this book...||”|
|“||Great! This is so light, I can throw these at random penguins as pranks without injuring them!||”|
|“||Isaiah Freeley and Seamore Buttes are stupid; pass it on!||”|
|“||eV3ryTH|ng |N t3h [email protected]@K iz tru3. s3nd 12 E-Z p4m3NTS of 80 p3bbL3z & U w|Ll g3T t3H F4CTZ.||”|
— Bureaucrats of Hallowed Sect of Our Lord, the Honorable Ernie
- The book was laughed off as a "far-fetched upstart that gets dumb, dumb, and dumber as you flip the pages."
- According to Bill Gates, 99.99% of ALL humans laugh at this thing.
- This book is a best seller in Antarctica. #1 reason for purchasing: used for fireplaces and ovens.
- This book was originally slated for a continental ban, but after the EPF read it, they decided to sell it.
- Penguinitis does exist, but it is NOT like the book's description. It gives you a love of penguins.