Private Eastshield

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Private Eastshield the Second
You maggot.
Title Loose Cannon Agent of the PSA, GREEN soldier.
Gender Male
Race Adelie Penguin
Faction Good...errm...sorta.
Health Health
Level Level
Status Blowing stuff up and yelling.
Location Anywhere there's things to blow up.
Occupation Calling people MAGGOTS, fighting enemies (ORANGE)
Interests MAGGOT!
Archetype MAGGOT!

Private Eastshield is a legendary green soldier. After being in several wars, he settled down to an EPF job, but was recruited by GREEN, a mysterious group.


This is the Private's background.

Early Life[edit]

Private Eastshield was born into a military family when he was young. His childhood was generally boring, but he was always violent and destructive. Eventually, he was sent to every military school there was. However, after being expelled from 5 after beating fellow students up, he trained in an elite Khanz war training camp. (Where you were SUPPOSED to beat up the other students.) After a year at a dead end job, he quit. He went to the nearest weapons store, robbed it, and burnt it to the ground.

Later Life[edit]

Unluckily, he couldn't get into any army. So, he went on a spree in the Great Darktonian Pie War, beating the living heck out of any fellow near the Darktonian Realm. He eventually stopped 2 months after the war was over. Being bored and wanting to beat the heck out of people, he traveled over and joined the Snoss Army. The Snoss, not caring, let him join. He beat up approximately 30 enemies in one battle in the GSWI. Swiss Ninja himself had read the battle records and was amazingly impressed. He promoted him to Sergeant. Unluckily, the Sergeants didn't do any fighting, and he left Snowzerland to fight against Nightmare. After defeating a couple antibodies, he went back to the city, and he joined the EPF looking for action. However, nothing ever happened. The Private fumed about this, and attacked the EPF and ran away. As he was sulking in the alley where he lived, he was met by an GREEN agent that hired him to fight ORANGE, after hearing of his "great deeds". It was the PERFECT JOB. It required him to blow stuff up and fight people. Just what the Private wanted. However, the ORANGE captured him and cloned him a while afterwards. This made him furious, and ever since he has fought against the ORANGE with his fellow GREEN team members.


Currently, he fights with the GREEN team members against ORANGE, the enemy corporation. He also generally blows things up and calls other people MAGGOTS! MAGGOT! MAGGOT! Also, he owns several weapons.

Not only that, but the Private is PARANOID of High Penguins. His door has 7 locks on it and a High Penguin repellant sprayed on it. This is probably because the ORANGE Spy is a High Penguin.

Also, the Private yells a lot, and is an enemy of the Doctor.


  • Deletion Missile Launcher
  • Double Barreled Snowball Shotgun
  • Several Ditto Grenades


  • Rentu invented the ark! Then he put all the animals in it, and beat the CRAP OUTTA EVERY ONE OF THEM. That's why when there's a bunch of animals in one place, it's called a zoo. UNLESS IT'S A FARM.


  • Hotsauce Launcher: A gun that fires explosive packets of hotsauce. Powerful but slow to fire.
  • The Straight Impact: A Launcher that fires streamlined, faster and more powerful hotsauce packets, but the packets explosion radius is smaller.
  • The Grey Package: A Launcher that uses the same packets as his original one, but has less ammo. When eastshield gets a hit on someone, he regains 15 health in triumph.
  • The Sauce Bouncer: A toy hotsauce launcher that had as a child, which shoots a burst of air. it has been modified by The Mechanic so the force of the air can propel him high up.
  • The Freedom Shooter: A patriotic Launcher that he received as an independence day gift. It shoots faster than his regular one, but carries less ammo.
  • The Pig Mauler 3000: An energy blaster that paralyzes it's enemy after a few shots, it requires no ammunition.
  • The First: A prototype rocket launcher that is very bulky, and has the same stats as the regular launcher.
  • Snowball Shotgun: Exactly the same build as Weighty's shotgun.
  • Tough Sign: A Backpack that contains various useful items. It makes allies nearby mini-crit for 10 seconds.
  • Shoot-Boots: Iron shoes that make Eastshield do less damage to himself with his hotsauce packets.
  • Squad's Reinforcements: A radio that makes the commanders put up an invisible force shield around Eastshield, causing immunity to criticals and 35% resistance to regular damage.
  • Shellraiser: A seashell that increases allies' will to fight, causing themselves to heal the equivalent of the damage they did to their opponents.
  • Pengstomps: Heavy boots that make Eastshield not be blown away by certain attack damage (Power o' Earth, Hot Sauce impact etc.) And deal damage to enemies he lands on when he jumps.
  • The Leftover Launcher: A snowball gun configured to shoot Leftovers from Eastshield's fridge. it carries less ammo, however.
  • The Bawezome Buffalo: A laser gun that paralyzes it's enemies. very similar to the Pig Mauler, but with no AOE damage and it penetrates it's target's completely. (Not Harming them by doing so)
  • The Spade: Eastshield loves giving his enemies a beating with this spade.
  • The Evenator: A pickaxe made of ice. It increases it's power as the battle rages on.
  • The Hurt Trolley: A Makeshift club made from a dirtguy baseball bat and a stake to pin a tent.
  • Braising Pot: The chosen weapon of a certain chosen girl. Eastshield stole it when the girl had been wearing ORANGE.
  • The Punishment Attack: A whip that has longer range and speeds up his allies when he whips them, but deals less damage then the spade.
  • The Store Planter: A Spade that Eastshield had performed a legendary aerial assault with. It had been imbued with a powerful air-crit power.


  • The Private is a parody of the Soldier class, from TF2.
  • The Private calls any enemies MAGGOTS!
  • The Private LOVES any type of meat.