Prohibition in Mattress Village

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Mattress Village, being the odd city that it is, has long enacted sweeping statutes outlawing multitudes of drinks deemed "unholy" by the Mayor and Council. The Eastshieldian town is rated as the driest district in all of Antarctica, and has been listed by many drink manufacturers as a "No Fun Zone".


Mattress Village was the hometown of the infamous censor, TurtleShroom Jones, as well as generations of his family before him. In fact, his family lived in Mattress Village before the town incorporated. Most historians believe that the town made TurtleShroom; TurtleShroom didn't make the town, he was a product of his raising.

History cites that penguins have lived in Mattress Village since the High Penguin Confederacy. All of these penguins, according to the few travelers that passed through, "lived in the highest of moral standards and shunned fellow townsfolk for even thinking about saying 'crap'.". (That very shunning came back to TurtleShroom himself in 2010, when the City Council voted unanimously to disenfranchise him from all municipal votes for the next two years for cursing, among just a few.)

The Unoians (that is, the residents of the village) were severe conformists and even harsher disciplinarians, living on unnaturally high standards of morality that were occasionally too strict for even their own kind. It goes without surprise, then, that any substance which breaks this uniformity and stability will be forbidden in the city limits. Cream Soda was knocked out in this manner, as was any variety of the assorted Rebels' Republic toxins.


The original MV Charter delegated Prohibition and its enforcement to a "Chamber of Commerce" consisting of the private enterprises opened in Mattress Village. Along with most of the rest of the charter, this was overturned in a convention to redraft said Charter.

In November 1951, Mattress Village consisted of numerous farms and four buildings: three houses and Honest Oakey's Really Good Motel (and Laboratory). (The Oakey that founded the hotel, for the reference, is the grandfather of the current Oakey.) The residents convened in Oakey's hotel to rewrite a charter organizing the city's government. Like a Constitution, the charter is the bare-bones governing document and was to outline government and key principles.

Two groups were established by city charter: the Mattress Village Cream Soda Destruction League and the Mattress Village Board of Censors. The former was instated to enforce the charter's mandate, "by any means they so by decree elect", that "no intoxicating, overly entertaining, disruptive, intensely carbonated, highly caffeinated, or excess hyperactivity-inducing drinks, beverages, spirits, sodas, or colas can be manufactured, possessed, sold, distributed, consumed, hoarded, or exist, excluding tea and coffee" within the borders of the city. The latter was the city council and its government.

Immediately, the MVCSDL passed a restatement edict proclaiming, near-verbatim, the charter's outlawing of any "fun" drinks.

The actual ban[edit]

Neither the municipal government, nor the citizenry, nor businesses foreign or domestic, nor any form of fountain or dispenser of liquid, nor well or pump, cistern or container, bottle or cup, shall ever be seen to contain intoxicating, overly entertaining, disruptive, intensely carbonated, highly caffeinated, or excess hyperactivity-inducing drinks, beverages, spirits, sodas, or colas, of any kind at any volume, for any reason or purpose, at any time of day or night.

The selling, hoarding, manufacture, consumption, intent to sell, distribution- for profit or non-commercial -for entertainment or business, personal use, depicting, praising, or existence of any form of the aforementioned outlawed toxins in any means shall be subject to any punishments that the Mattress Village Cream Soda Destruction League so by edict decrees fitting as punishment or deterrence.
— Mattress Village City Charter

The Corbin Explosion[edit]

The MVCSD's earliest example of demonstrating its power was in 1960. A daring outsider moved to the city in that time and decided to set up a soda bar. The facility was called "Corbins' Fountain of Awesomeness". Soft drinks fell under the description of the ban (soda is caffeinated, entertaining, and carbonated), so the MVCSD sent a cease and desist order to the soda fountain owner, Corbin Corbins, effective immediately. He refused flatly, and the MVCSD ordered the Governance to shut off all water and electricity. The local Governance parish refused, citing that "selling soda" was not a reason to shut down a company's utilities.

Still needing to do their mandate, the MVCSD took it into their own hands by proposing an edict to the Mayor and council permitting "physical persuasion" against rule breakers. The edict was passed unanimously.

Now authorized by city rulers, the MVCSD laid SBG powder around the facility, and mixed it with explosives. When Corbin and everyone else locked the store for that night, MVCSD agents exploded the building! The next morning, Corbin found his soda shop blown away... -but he didn't give up. No, he tried again six months later... -and the resulting explosion was twice as big. Corbin got away safely; he fled Mattress Village, never to return.

Villagers' opinion[edit]

Surveys in Mattress Village show that ninety percent of all of the citizens of Mattress Village approve the ban as it is now. One percent proposes repealing the whole thing, save "extreme dangers" like the cactus extract, and the remaining eight percent want soda/cola/soda pop/carbonated beverages legalized in the city.

Criticism by foreigners[edit]


See also[edit]