Project Triple Scanner
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Project Triple Scanner is the newest South Pole Council Project to help find out about The Sapie Brothers.
It will be written like a story for your reading pleasure.
- 1 Background Information:
- 2 Prologue
- 3 Logs
- 3.1 Tale One: She Called Him a WHAT‽
- 3.2 Tale Two: Dude, You Got Served
- 3.3 Tale Three: KERPUFFLE!!!!!
- 3.4 Tale Four: Hey Everyone, Do the Mitosing Amoeba!!
- 3.5 Tale Five: I've Been Wiped Out on the Railroad!
- 3.6 Tale Six: We are NOT going to Jet Pack Adventure!
- 3.7 TAIL Seven: Caught in the Act!
- 3.8 Tale Eight: Don't bloomin' act as me, wot?
- 3.9 THE END
At the end of Project Tracker, it was realized that the The Sapie Brothers were cooking up some elaborate scheme. Through surveillience footage, we learned that they built a machine, called The Shape Shifter 1800 (SS 1800), that seems to allow the user to literally become anyone. It's a molecular rearranger, and even gives the user the character's voice and accent.
It could possibly be dangerous, so this Project was initiated by unanimous vote from the South Pole Council.
It was a quite normal, and quite hot, Wednesday in South Pole City. The penguins were shopping, the puffles were scooting, the terns were flying, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining, the clouds were white as ever, and the South Pole Council was in session. Everything seemed normal, and quite boring, too.
"Okay, delegates," said Judge Xavier as he randomly pounded his gavel on his desk, "this session of da South Pole Grand Legislative Council is in orduh!"
"You know," interrupted Explorer, "you could leave out the 'Grand Legislative' part and call it like everyone else does."
The phone rang. For those of you who don't know, the phone at the national Capitol is humongous. It's about the size of three CyberKnows put together. And it takes four penguins to lift it. This time, Mayor McFlapp, Fred, Barkjon, and Ford Car volunteered to help.
As the four lifted the phone on their shoulders and began carrying it towards a stand in the center of the courtroom, Explorer nonchalantly checked his watch.
"That sets a new record," he said as he pulled out a small clipboard from under his desk. "Ahem-- 'Fastest Time Between Start of Session and First Telephone Call'; the last time was 00:05.72, the new time is 00:04.67. Wonder who it is this time?"
The phone was placed upright into the stand. Judge Xavier came up and pressed the giant speakerphone button.
"Who is it?" he asked.
"Hello, Judge Xavier," a familiar voice replied. "Come quickly. I have some interesting news for you and the other council members."
It was G.
"I will send you an address to teleport to, by e-mail, of course," the voice continued. "Please come ASAP."
A second later, a new message came up in the council's e-mail slot. Explorer waddled over to it and pulled the e-mail out.
"It says: 'Teleport to Lab M13 at 314 Transcedental Street, Dorkugal,'" he read.
"Then what are we waiting for?" Mayor McFlapp said as he flapped his wings in delight. "Let's go on and see what the bally ol' blighter wants us t' do."
Lab M13, 314 Transcedental Street, Dorkugal
"Lab M13" turned out to be a rather shabby, ancient mansion which was owned by the Dorkugese goverment. G had gained permission from them to conduct his experiments in there. Inside, it was spacious, but smelly at the same time. The council silently tip-toed into the kitchen. All of a sudden, the lights came on (albeit rather dimly), revealing the smiling face of G.
"Hello, Judge Xavier!" G said. "Would you and your fellow council members kindly follow me?"
G, without further ado, led the council members upstairs and into a large room that had once been a theater. G had updated and converted it into a large viewing room of sorts, and a sort of control room had been established in the back. G went inside and turned on an intercom within the room, while motioning for the council to sit down.
"Ladies and gentlepenguins of the South Pole Council--"
"Actually, there are no ladies here," Explorer pointed out. G continued anyway.
"Ahem, ahem-- where was I? Oh, yes! As I was saying, or about to say, I have invented a unique viewing system designed specially for this goverment project, Project Triple Scanner. I trust you all have heard of this project? Good. This invention, which I call the 'Virtual Viewing Theater 3000', uses sattelite data to map out and record live events happening anywhere on the continent. It is formatted in 3D, hence the glasses (here he pointed out the glasses that were sitting next to each seat) and also collects data from hidden sound chips and microphones placed all around the continent. This is what we will use to track the Sapie Brothers from now on. Any questions?"
No one raised their flippers.
"Good," G continued. "Refreshments shall be served shortly after we begin."
With that, he started pushing several buttons and pulling several levers on the control panel before him. Several popcorn buckets and soda cans were handed to the council members by robotic arms, and the huge screen in front of the Council glowed brightly.
"And now, fellow penguins," G said ominously as he put on his 3D glasses, "we begin our journey."
Using the Virtual Viewing Theater 3000, the South Pole Council managed to retrieve the following logs. Any council members you may see in these logs were sent out by the council to clear out any suspicions. They were merely pretending.
Tale One: She Called Him a WHAT‽
Stamm and Huma had just finished testing their Shape Shifter 1800. After several days, and the eventual discovery of the survellience cameras from Project Tracker, the machine was ready for its trial run.
"So, who do we get to become first?" the eagerly spastic Stamm questioned.
Huma glared at his brother.
"Remember, the key is to act like the creature you shapeshift into. Just because you have their voice, body, and accent does not mean we can't get caught. Remember, entering Antarctica is illegal after the Preservation Treaty of 1812. Now. Apparently, since this land is so overpopulated, servers were installed for ease of existence. Since this land is partially online, every resident has an IP Address. As you know, these can be easily tracked down. We've already scanned pretty much everyone in Antarctica, so we've got a lot of bodies to choose from."
Stamm smiled. "'Dibs on Sensei!"
"Very well, but let's do generic characters before taking on local celebrities."
"Ooohh! Like Traveller?" Stamm squealed.
"It's Explorer, but that is a good idea. Since the freak is already insane, people will suspect it's one of his mood swings. I'll be Explorer."
"Yeah! What about me, Huma?"
Huma thought for a moment...
"Hey Stammerly, isn't the Microbe show airing on the Science Channel right now?"
"Oh gosh! I almost forgot!" Stamm raced out of the chamber and into the Cathedral's living room. He turned on the television.
Meanwhile, Huma entered the machine. Typing in Explorer's IP address, he closed the hatch to the SS 1800.
A zap of electricity and a flash of bright light ensued, and "Explorer" stepped out.
"Hey Stamm! I'm going out to test this machine!" Huma shouted, in Explorer's voice.
Huma, in Explorer's body, appeared in Explorer's igloo's closet. Turning on a small flashlight, he took out several index cards about Explorer, Fred, and the Fourth Wall (which he was unaware of, but took a literature class about in community college).
"Well, here goes nothing." Huma said, in Explorer's voice.
Huma opened the closet door. The spacious, one-room abode was a beautiful sight to behold. Thankfully, Explorer was not home.
In Explorer's body, Huma waddled out and down to the door.
"Greetings, brother!" a nasally voice called out. Huma cringed.
He took out an index card. It was Fred, Explorer's brother.
Huma turned and faced Fred.
"Ah, hello Fred." Huma said, rather nervous.
"Are you okay Explorer?"
"Yes, I'm doing well."
"Hmm... I can't put my flipper on it, but you look different, somehow. Your eyes... they look, more, um... well, I mean, they look normal, but the gaze you gave me when you turned around looked... so harsh. Did you step on one of my triangles in that closet?" Fred queried.
"No, I'm fine." Huma said. To really cement this idea that he was okay (and the real Explorer), Huma turned to a wall, and talked to it.
"Hmm... Fred's hat looks a little pale. Do you think, fellow audience, that he poured bleach on it?"
"I HEARD THAT!" Fred shouted.
Huma took this oppurtunity to dash out the door. However, waddling is rather hard to do for a human, and he fell into the snow. Huma lifted himself up, and picked up Explorer's little propellor hat.
The Council caught every single bit. Just then, Fred teleported into the viewing theater. He was congratulated and cheered on by the other delegates.
"Great job acting, Fred!" Happyface said to him.
"Oh, it was nothing," Fred replied, blushing, "minus two."
"Did you see him try to break the Fourth Wall?" Explorer chortled. "Man, that was pathetic! Though your hat does look kinda pale today... what do you guys think?" Explorer turned to the nearest wall and queried the "audience".
"Shh!" G shushed as he pointed to the screen. "He's going down the street. Happyface, Barkjon, you two go out and cover that corner. Pretend you're doing one of your pranks."
"Yeah," Explorer agreed. "Make it... umm... ooh! Make it Operation Deep Note. Be sure to bring the earplugs, Happyface, but don't bring a pair for Huma. Also, ask him whether he brought the earplugs in the first place, Barkjon. Go, go, he's rounding the corner now!"
With that, Happyface and Barkjon teleported out of the theater.
Huma walked out, and down the street.
"Hey Explorer!" two other voices shouted.
Huma winced once more, and quickly took out more index cards.
"Let's see..." Huma, in Explorer's voice commented, "Barkjon and Happyface. Explorer's two closest friends. Barkjon is the one who dress like a cool person, Happyface typically wears a question mark hat, and on the ocassion, his imperial crown."
Huma turned and faced his "friends".
"Ah, hello Barkjon! Hello, Happyface!"
The other two responded to "Explorer's" salutaion. They fell for it.
"So, you remember the prank we've got today?" Happyface questioned.
"The prank?" Huma responded. He lacked any notes on The Troublesome Trio.
"Don't tell me you for got the prank!" Barkjon stated.
"Of course not! However, I want to see if you remember it." Huma smiled. Man, that was a good excuse.
"Duh!" Barkjon responded. "We're redoing Operation Deep Note. We trick Mabel into the old theater, and play the theme music from THX. You did bring the earplugs, right?"
"Of course not, Explorer!" Happyface smiled. "I always bring the earplugs!"
"Oh... heh heh."
"All right." Barkjon exclaimed. "Let's go get Mabel!"
As the other two waddled off, Huma turned to the horizon, imitating Explorer, in case someone was watching.
The council caught every bit, again. Mayor McFlapp, in response to Huma's "good" excuse, booed loudly and threw his popcorn at the screen. Many council delegates joined in as well. Soon the entire council was flinging popcorn at the TV screen, while G continously yelled "Desist, I say! Stop throwing that popcorn! Argh! This is all your fault, Mayor McFla-- don't you dare throw that soda can, Explorer! Ford Car, put down that bomb! Wait-- you have a bomb?! Oh, phew, it's just a fake. Penghis Khan, don't fling that Mullet at the screen, it'll break!!!! GAH! Why can't you behave like the national legislature and not a bunch of silly little chicks???"
Huma, in Explorer's body, folowed the Trio. However, Huma dashed off down an alleyway at the last second, to avoid the prank. Huma is an extremely serious man, and thus despises pranking and any derivation of it.
He dashed down the alley, when a long and foreboding shadow rounded the corner. Huma stopped and cringed, until he realized it was just a puffle... no, it was more than a puffle. It was Mabel!
Sadly, Huma didn't know.
They faced each other.
Huma, in Explorer's body gasped. Usually, he hated puffles, but Mabel was different. She was all business, well groomed, mean, everything Huma ever wanted in a person. It was like... a soulmate, but squeezed into a chubby little ball of fur. A really chubby ball of fur.
Mabel, in Huma's eyes, was adorable.
Huma, in Explorer's body, smiled.
"Oh my. Well, are you not the most beautiful puffle I've seen." Huma said, calmly.
Mabel stared at "Explorer", tilted, and cocked an eyebrow.
"Explorer? You're acting more freaky than usual."
Huma leaned down and stroked Mabel on the top (of her... head?). She was very soft.
Mabel actually enjoyed this attention, and smiled... it was a creepy smile. In fact, it can be assumed that Mabel is not supposed to smile at all.
"Well. I'm glad you've become civilized enough to notice my brand of puffle beauty. Oh, and you don't have a shovel, do you, Explorer?"
Huma shook Explorer's head. He kept petting Mabel.
As Huma, in Explorer's body, started scratching Mabel in that one place she could never scratch herself, Mabel started thinking.
"This is too good to be true. Too good."
The smile vanished. The usual, evil glare Mabel wore returned. In fact, her fur ruffled up in fury. She almost growled. Mabel had not been that angry since Explorer tried to feed her puffle food.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FREAK OF A MASTER!"
Huma gulped... this was Mabel, Explorer's puffle. The one that Huma, as Explorer was supposed to hate.
Mabel couldn't bite (too indecent), she didn't squeak in puffle-language (too stupid), so she resorted to the only thing she knew...
"YOU WRETCHED IMPOSTER IN PENGUIN'S CLOTHING! DON'T YOU DARE BRIBE ME BY #^$^@!%$^#$&^@^ PETTING ME! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT MY ALLEIGENCE TO SOMEONE AS &&&&&&&&& UGLY AS YOU! I MEAN, I'VE SEEN BAD IMPERSONATIONS, BUT YOU?! YOU'RE PATHETIC!"
The council stopped throwing their popcorn for second and listened to Mabel yelling the names of several punctuation marks.
"Whoa..." Explorer gazed in awe at the TV screen. "That is the longest string of ampersands I have ever heard her utter! Did you hear her? She was like, 'Ampersand ampersand ampersand ampersand'..."
"Explorer," G muttered out of the side of his beak, "you have the right to shush yourself."
"Exactly!" Explorer enthusiastically responded. "And I don't intend to enact it!"
"AND FURTHERMORE," Mabel bellowed, "^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!! That is what I think of you! Your nothing but a ‽ in a realistic &&&& Explorer suit! Why, if I had the nerve, I'd pound ########### you right here into the %%%%%%%% ground! Then, you'd run home to jo @@@@@@!"
The council was stunned. Even Explorer shushed.
"Penghis Khan is appaled at the use of punctuation in anger!"
No one responded, except for Explorer.
"Wow. She called him an interrobang‽ Cool."
Huma turned running, scared out of his mind at that loud, squeaky voice. Sadly, penguins are not the best runners (that's where belly-tabogganing comes in), so poor Huma kept falling face first in the snow, unable to move very fast. Eventually, he dashed out of the alley and into a dumpster, where he teleported back to the Cathedral.
Still in Explorer's body, and still scared out of his wits, poor Huma waddled into the ShapeShifter 1800. He came out as himself and talked to Stamm.
"Brother, if you ever meet a well-groomed, glasses wearing puffle, STAY AWAY. Underneath all of that furball-based beauty lies a heart more evil than any dictator on the earth, combined. If you ever see a creature named Mabel, do not make eye contact. She smells fear... without a nose!"
Tale Two: Dude, You Got Served
It was about two days later. After sharing notes, researching, and writing stacks of index cards for their inventories (every creature has a Player Card), Huma and Stamm were ready once more.
"Okay. The Exlporer plight went rather well, and no one suspected anything... except Mabel. Who should we try next?"
"No! Someone easier to act out, perhaps a character I resemble."
"HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THAT! SURE I LOOK AS DASHING AS HER, BUT SERIOUSLY! I'M NOT A COLD-HEARTED WRETCH!"
"Sorry, Huma... you're not a cold-hearted wretch."
"Precisely." Huma stated, crossing his arms.
"How about Ned?"
"Who?" Huma flipped through his index cards.
"Ned! The calculus wizard."
"You mean Fred? Yes, I do bet I could pass off as him. I just finished reading Calculus III the other day."
"How about geomoetry?"
"Geometry is easy in comparison to what I read, Stamm." Huma replied.
"Do you know that puffle-and-poison-in-the-box theory of Quantum Physics?" Stamm asked, reading an index card.
"Stamm, it's about a cat, not a puffle, and of course I know it."
"Yes. The theory states that there's a fifty-fifty chance that the cat will get poisoned or it will survive in the box. We don't know if it died until we peek in the box. We can't prove it until we peek in the box. So, until we look, we must presume that the cat is both dead and alive... because we don't know. It could be dead, it could be alive, but we don't know."
Stamm set drooling. He shook himself.
"Sorry. When you talk about things like that, I wonder off into thinking about protozoaes."
"...what did you picture this time... in your weird daydream?"
"Two amoebas mitosising into four amoebas... while the Smoke on the Water song played."
"Yeah, I know. It should have been Thriller."
"Never mind! I won't go out as Fred."
"I don't know! I can't get that image out of my head."
After a good game of Parcheesi, Stamm had an idea.
"Hmm... how about Penguin Little?"
"Penguin Micro? That's not half bad an idea."
Huma took his index cards out and read the one on Penguin Micro.
"Penguin Micro is a severely unstable penguin about a third the size of Penghis Khan... As part of his "condition", Penguin Micro is extremely trembley and easily frightened. A lot of creatures, not just bad penguins, love to mock him, scare him, and overall, just be cruel."
Huma looked back at Stamm.
"If I become Penguin Micro, I could wonder about and ask insane questions, get an answer to ease paranoia, and not be suspected. However, I would also be ceasely trembly and highly stuttering, since I recieve is body and accent. I don't know how fast I could run, or how fluently I could speak."
Stamm added his input.
"Well, it's worth a shot. It's not like a Wikipedia button will hit you... knock on wood... "
"Yes, knocking on wood would be a good idea. So, I become Penguin Micro, ask crazy questions, and write them down... if I can hold a pen in his pathetic little body."
Huma stepped in the Shape Shifter 1800, and entered Penguin Micro's IP Address. A quick zap later, and Huma waddled out as Penguin Micro.
As he entered the living room, Huma had trouble adjusting to Micro's body. First off, he was as short as a one-year-old human, second, the trembly nature made seeing through the spectacles difficult, as he had to keep adjusting them.
"O-o-okay... I'm g-g-oing out. M-m-man, this st-stut-stuttering is a-a-an-annoying!"
"I think it's cute." Stamm responded.
Huma shot that glare he always did when Stamm aced extremely stupid. Even in the trembling body of sweet little Penguin Micro, it was still as harsh as Huma in his own body. Stamm immediantly silenced himself, submitting to his brother's authority.
Huma, in Penguin Micro's body, took out his map. He struggled to hold it because of the trembling, but he eventually teleported down to South Pole City.
The South Pole Council decided to call Penguin Micro over for the occasion. When they told him what was going on, he responded, "W-W-Why, I-I'd l-like to c-c-call him an i-interbang r-right now!"
"It's interrobang," Explorer corrected. "You go on ahead, I'll sit back here and yell baritone."
Together, the two took a deep breath and yelled at the screen, "WHY YOU LITTLE ‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽!!!", with Micro stuttering all the way.
Huma, in Penguin Micro's body, fell into a dumpster. Fortunately, it was empty. He dragged himself out, and looked around, with the usual frown on his face, trembling aside.
"E-e-everything s-see-seems o-okay..."
Huma waddled out of the alley. As he did, some Jerks came out. Penguin Micro was their usual target at 12:00 PM.
One jerk turned to the other, and spoke in the traditonal Jerk dialect:
"Yo! Penguin Micro's walking down the hizzle!"
"Home-dawg, what's a hizzle?"
"Dude, I ain't got a clue, but it sounds rad."
"Totally. Anyway, let's go get that easy target."
The jerks walked over.
Huma was rather mad at the body he was using, and the dumpster incident did not help.
"Yo, Penguin Micro!"
Huma, in Micro's body, turned around. He glared at the Jerks. Micro's glasses shimmered in the sunlight.
"Whoa, dawg." One Jerk commented to the other, "That stare is totally not gnarly."
The other Jerk turned back to Huma.
"MICRO! LOOK! THE HISTORY BUTTON! IT'S HEADING YOUR WAY!!"
Huma didn't even flinch. He just stood there, glaring, while trembling in Micro's body.
The real Penguin Micro, however...
"GAH! THE HISTORY BUTTON! OH, MERCY!!"
Penguin Micro dove under a couch, where ducked and covered.
G rolled his eyes. Explorer, however, said, "Hahaha! Micro's about to be history! Hahahaha--bleh-blah-ack *wheeze* Sorry. My throat's dry, I ate too much krill."
"Dude, why aren't ya cringing so we can shove you in a full trash can?"
Huma used the "teacher's glare" he used during his community service (for hacking Google Earth to illegally view Antarctica) way back during community college in America. He was sentenced to a non-paying, high school teaching job (on biology). He learned how to glare.
"Dude. That's not cool. NOT COOL!"
The other Jerk turned to him.
"Dude, your getting served."
Huma, in Micro's body, kept glaring at the Jerks. He'd delt with brats before.
"Micro, stop! You're ruining our fun dawg!!"
The Jerk tried another threat at Huma in Penguin Micro's body.
"If you don't grovel and act like yourself, I'll whack you with a punctuation button (the Jerk was not of the Fourth Wall)."
The Jerk stepped back.
No one ever stood up to him (or glared like that).
"Dude, if you quit stareing at me, we will NEVER bully you again."
"Y-you mean t-th-that?" Huma said. Micro's weak body and accent didn't deter the serious glare.
"Yes. Take this loot as proof."
The Jerk tossed Huma 27000 worth in currency, and ran off.
One Jerk turned to the other.
"Dude, you got served."
"I know, I'm goin' back ta cooking school."
Huma, in Penguin Micro's body, smirked. He rubbed his trembly flippers together, and stuffed the money down his player card. He also wrote several facinating notes on the Jerks, in poor shaky writing of course.
"I th-think that's e-e-enough for t-today."
Huma teleported home.
Tale Three: KERPUFFLE!!!!!
Huma was highly optimistic. He pretty much shattered those Jerks' dignity, took research, and earned cash in the process.
It was only four hours after the previous adventure, that Huma decided to have a go again.
As Huma approached the chamber, Stamm called out.
"Huma! It's my turn!"
Still, it was Stamm's turn. Huma had done it the every time so far. However, he might compromise the plot with that spastic character on the loose. Perhaps they could go together...
"Okay. You can come. Who are we going to be this time? ...AND DON'T SAY SENSEI!"
The brothers thought for a moment.
"The pretty female one? ...no... let's try that when we're really good... it would be weird when we're still testing. Frankly, it would be weird, period."
"How about this?"
Huma came to the computer.
"Dr. Aye-Que? What does it say?" Huma queried.
"Nope, just Doctor Aye-Que was evil from the start. He found a wrench and upgraded it to be the Wrench 3000. Penguins constantly have to fight or run away from his inventions."
"Well, evil is not what we're looking for... Stamm, how about you doing this Doctor? He's an inventor. Perhaps we could use some of his inventions for our benefit."
"Me?! Oh boy!"
Huma guided Stamm into the machine and typed Doctor Aye-Que's IP address in.
ZAP zzzzzzzzzzzzzzBZZtadsaahh EEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
That was not supposed to happen. Huma checked the numbers. They didn't show Aye-Que's address...
They showed... they showed...
The signal went out at the movie theater.
Boos and popcorn flew in the darkness.
"Explorer, go flip the switch downstairs!"
Explorer flipped the switch. The picture came back on.
The screen on the SS1800 said nothing but "PUFFLE".
As the smoke cleared, we could clearly make out a puffle. However, it wasn't a distinct puffle. Rather, it was an ugly puffle.
The Council sat, stunned. They were waiting for Huma's reaction.
Huma looked at Puffle Stamm. He was rather ugly.
"STAMM! IS THAT YOU?!"
"Yes Huma! Why wouldn't it be?"
Huma handed Stamm a nearby mirror.
"SWEET MOTHER OF ERNEST SHACKLETON! STAMM, I'M A PUFFLE! CHANGE ME BACK!"
"Wait, Stamm. Maybe we could use this. I recall that Explorer's puffles know a lot about Antarctica. Try and gain their friendship, meet other puffles... but STAY AWAY FROM MABEL!"
Stamm nodded. Using his map, Huma teleported Puffle Stamm to Club Penguin.
The Council sat in awe. Nothing like this had ever happened before.
"Nonsense!" Explorer corrected. "G knows exactly what has happened. C'mon, ol' lad, tell us and the audience."
G assumed a rather knowing stance.
"Fellow penguins," he began, "allow me to tell you what happened. Huma, by mistake, entered the rather similar IP Adress of my new invention, the Puffle-A-Tron 3000. This invention can turn anyone into a puffle and back. The SS1800 temporarily thought it was the Puffle-A-Tron and turned Stamm into the puffle version of himself. Poor Stamm. It's too bad he doesn't know."
"Ah, well, who cares?" Explorer shrugged. "I'll alert my puffles. They'll know how to deal with Stamm, eh? Especially Mabel. She'll bring the roses back to 'is cheeks (if puffles even have cheeks)!"
"Hey!" Mayor McFlapp hollered. "That's supposed t' be my line, y' great bally copycat!"
Explorer took out his icePhone, called Clyde (his rascally green puffle), and began a long conversation about "the drill". The Council watched as G typed in a few latitudes and longitudes on the keyboard of the control panel, causing the sattelite camera to switch to an aerial view of Explorer's igloo's living room.
Stamm materialized in the Pet Shop. He looked left and right. Yet, he really didn't figure out how to move.
"Well, if puffles don't have legs, and they don't have feet, then how do they move?" Stamm thought long and hard.
Eventually, he just leaned forward, and he started moving.
"Oh! I guess it's like one of those tilt-sensors in a Game Boy! Well then...!
After a bit, Puffle Stamm got the hang of moving around. He could now move fairly normal as far as puffles go.
"Okay. Now, to pick up items..."
Stamm eyed a pleasent-smelling box. He stared at it... after about ten minutes he got tired of staring. He just thought for a minunte, and as soon as he pictured the box moving, the box was moving.
"Oh, so puffles have mind powers? Sweet! I'll have to tell Huma that! First, however, I think I'll eat whatever's in that box."
So he did.
"Wow! That's delecious!" Stamm turned to that gothic/emo puffle in the cage.
"Sir, what do you call that?"
The emo-puffle opened one eye.
"Whatever. It's Puffle-O's. Very tasty. Now if you excuse me, I've got to find what part of my tounge I need to cut."
"Wait... you're going to cut your tounge?"
"Yeah. I'm an emo-puffle. That's what emo-puffles do."
"Might I suggest licking an envelope at a ninety degree angle? That paper cut should cause some bleeding."
Stamm scooted out, but not before he ate some more Puffle-O's (unaware that it's pet food).
He looked at the plaza. Two penguins were looking at him.
"I know. Where in the Forest do you think he came from?"
"I don't know. A toxic waste dump?"
"I mean, two seperate eyes?"
"ROTFLOLZ!!!" The penguin laughing fainted.
Stamm scooted on until he found Member Igloo Lane. Surprisingly, Explorer's igloo was unlocked. Stamm opened the door. Mabel was not there, but Explorer's other puffles were.
"Hello?" a voice asked. It was Scooter, Clyde's
BFF secretary and "butler". Sort of.
"Um, hi. I recieved this postcard to come here?" Stamm responded.
Stamm held up the postcard. It was authentic, hacked straight from the CP servers.
"I see," Scooter yawned. "'Scuse me, I wasn't able to take my 10:40 nap today. Sleep is vital. *yawn*"
Inside the igloo, Clyde (the green puffle) listened to Scooter stalling Stamm. Scooter is actually a good actor, for those of you who don't know, and this was no exception. Hah, Clyde thought, he even overslept on the 10:40 nap today. How he manages to yawn when he overextended his 18-hour sleep I have no clue.
Meanwhile, Xavier and Danny were readying the quartet's supplies.
"One whoopee cushion," Danny recounted for the umpteenth time, "two water balloons, three fake bombs, one real bomb, five firecrackers, six fake dance floor tiles, and-- Xavier, don't eat the pie!!!"
Xavier just shrugged and swallowed the lump he had in his mouth. "Chillax, bro," he replied, "I've got everything under contro-- whoa!"
Xavier had accidentally trod on one of thge matches, which ignited and set flame to three of the firecrackers. Danny immediately snuffed them out with his beret. "Don't do that," he warned Xavier. "How many times have I told you to not step on the Insta-Light matches? And don't you dare eat more of that pie!!!"
Xavier quickly swallowed and opened his mouth, which was now empty. "I don't got no pie," he said. "Whatcha talkin' about?"
"Is Mabel here?" Stamm questioned.
"No.... and it's a good thing too," Scooter replied.
"Thank Ernest Shackleton she's not--"
"Who in the name of gluten-caisin free waffle batter is Ernest Shackleton?" another voice replied. Itr was Clyde, who had joined Scooter at his side and was now following Explorer's instructions, a.k.a. "The Drill".
"Uh-um-er-eee......... my master?"
"Dude. I haven't heard a puffle call their owner master since 2006. How old is this Ernest Shackleton?"
Stamm turned around and took out an index card that read "Rarity Chart".
"He wears a pink and yellow striped party hat."
"Yes, he is old," replied Danny. All four puffles had now joined Scooter outside.
"Yeah... so, want to come in, do somethin'?" Xavier asked nonchalantly.
"Well, I do want some Puffle-O's. Those things are spectacular!"
"We have plenty," Clyde replied.
"Yah," Xavier said. "We got so much o' dat stuff, we could fill tha' Lighthouse from top t' bottom!"
"No hyperboles, Xavier," Danny tsked at him.
"Fantastic!" Stamm grinned. He quickly scooted over to the Puffle-O's.
Clyde took out his icePhone.
"Okay. He's indoors, eating... um, puffle food. Tell me, does this Puffle-Tron do anything to the victim's behavior? Puffle instincts, for instance?"
"Slightly," replied G. "Though it acts more like a nag than a complete controller."
"Okay," Clyde replied. "We know what to do with him. Thanks for the info, though!"
With that he hung up. Man, he thought, that guy must really like pet food!
Stamm continued eating the Puffle-O's, still unaware that it was pet food. At last, he finished. He burped, but immediantly excused himself.
"Do you have any books to read?"
"Books. I like to read."
"Uh... yeah... over there." Clyde gestured to Fred's bookshelf. Stamm scooted over.
Xavier commented. "Dude, it was just published yesterday."
"Oh. I knew that."
Stamm read the book, as Explorer's puffles discussed the plan. Well, they would have, had Stamm not come up to them.
"Have any of you ever had the feeling that every peice of literature here is a lame parody? This version of Casey at the Bat isn't at all like the one I read."
Clyde saw this as a chance to expose Stamm.
"So what was the version you read?"
"Um..." Stamm turned around and looked at some index cards. "It was about Link. He hit a home run in that version, and then the ball caught on fire."
"Yes... so, how exactly do teleporters work?"
"Dude, how would you expect us to know that? We're puffles. Pet puffles. Domesticated puffles, if you want vocabulary."
"Oh. Well, Ernest Shackleton uses one all the time, and I just wanted to know."
"Could you tell me about this, um, Night Club standing down near the Starbucks?"
"The Coffee Shop?"
"Yes. The... Coffee Shop."
"We can take you there."
"Excellent... but I am a terrible dancer."
"It's okay. Fred can't dance, but he goes there anyway." Scooter responded.
"Plus, Cadence can teach anyone to dance." Danny added.
"The musical cadence? I thought that a Night Club would have puh hat beats, not classical tunes." Stamm added.
"Puh hat? It's pronounced fat."
"I knew that." Stamm added.
Tale Four: Hey Everyone, Do the Mitosing Amoeba!!
Thus, the puffles led Stamm to the Night Club.
"Oh, wow. This music is loud!"
Cadence happened to be in the building today. She walked over to the puffles.
"Yo, furballs! What's happenin'?"
"Yo, K-Dance, whaddup?" Xavier replied.
"Oh, I'm doing good, thank you."
Explorer's puffles stared at Stamm.
"Ah, don't worry bout it! Everyone greets in their own style!"
Cadence leand over to Stamm.
"...and yours, little guy, is epic win."
Clyde whispered to the others.
"Is Cadence hitting on Stamm?"
The puffles let out a long, group "eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww".
"Oh, come on," Clyde said. "Everyone knows Danny likes Zippy!"
Danny blushed angrily and hid behind Xavier.
"So, whatcha doin' here, little guy?"
"Oh, well, I've come for research purposes."
"Hmm... whatcha learnin'?"
"That's a secret."
"Cool. I can dig that."
Explorer's puffles let out a group eeeeeewwwwwww again.
"So, before ya go off a-learning, show me yo moves."
"Dance, little guy!"
Danny scooted out from behind Xavier and whispered to Clyde.
"I don't know how she can be so polite around a nerd."
"Oh, no ma'am. I don't dance." Stamm commented.
"I know ya can."
"Not a chance."
Cadence did that floor spinning thing.
"Well if I can do this then you can do that."
"But I don't dance!"
"Oh, come on! Of course you can!"
"Well... I can do one... but it's really dumb. My brother made me vow to never do it."
"Aww, we're all freinds here! Show me yo moves!"
"Very well. I call it, The Mitosing Amoeba."
"I can dig it. Show me."
Stamm layed down, facing the ceiling. He stared blankly, then closed his eyes. He opened them again.
Stamm said in a monotone voice. He closed his eyes and opened them again.
He closed his eyes and opened them again.
He repeated this several times.
When he got up, everyone was staring. Then Cadence smiled.
She turned to the lagre auidence that always surronded celebrities.
"HEY EVERYONE! Watch this!"
Cadence laid on the floor. She stuck her flippers in the air and clasped them together, staring blankly. She opened her eyes, then closed them.
Cadence said in a monotone voice. She closed her eyes and opened them again. She unclasped her flippers and slowly lowered them to the floor.
She then raised her flippers back up and clasped them together once more.
She closed her eyes and opened them again, clasping and unclasping her flippers in rythem.
The penguins then repeated, and soon everyone was doing the Mitosing Amoeba.
Clyde phoned Explorer.
"Explorer! We can't prank Stamm now! Everyone's doing his dance move!"
"I know. G and Fred are doing it too. Besides, I love it! I think I'll add a move. I'll call it 'DNA Polymerase'."
"DO YOU HAVE A PLAN B?!" Clyde yelled into the phone. But Explorer had hung up.
"Great snickerdoodles," Clyde groaned, "what's next? 'The Folding Golgi Apparatus'?"
Clyde answered his phone. Before he could do anything, Explorer spoke again.
With that, he hung up again.
Clyde turned to the others.
"Okay. We'll have to try something else. When this craze quits, we'll leave."
Cadence got up, while the other penguins were doing the Mitosing Amoeba.
"Whew puffle. You sure got some epic moves! You're welcome here anytime!"
Cadence then added Stamm to her buddy list, much to the other's astonishment.
Clyde leaned over to Scooter.
"I don't know about you, but this prank was an epic loss. Let's hope for another chance."
Stamm wrote down some things on the Night Club, Cadence, dance crazes, and of course an "in your face" note to Huma. After he finished jotting his findings, Stamm turned to the others.
"I've got a lot more questions."
Xavier grinned evilly.
Shortly after, they exited the Night Club.
"So, can you tell me about something called Cart Surfing?"
Xavier and Clyde laughed in unison.
"Oh yeah. We could tell you a lot."
Tale Five: I've Been Wiped Out on the Railroad!
The puffles were now at the Mine Shack.
"Okay. Cart Surfing is simple. You hop in a mine cart and ride it down a poorly laid track."
"You ride... a mine cart? You mean the ones hauled around to collect jewels and such? Isn't that dangerous?"
"HECK YEAH!" Xavier screamed.
"Then why do it?"
The puffles looked at each other. They never thought of that before.
"Has Ernest Shackleton ever done Cart Surfing?" Clyde asked.
"No. Can puffles even do it?"
"Well, with a special mini-cart with railroad sized wheels, then yes."
Danny gestured to the mini-cart.
"Okay then... so you want me to ride down a mine cart at high speeds, travelling through railways, violating pretty much everything in the Mine Safety and Health Act?"
Stamm gulped, then changed the subject.
"Has this mine been inspected?"
"We don't inspect nothin' 'round here." Xavier commented.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN UN-INSPECTED MINES?!"
"Nothing, duh," Clyde answered
Stamm started acting spastic.
"CAVE-INS! PARALYZATION, BLACK LUNGS FROM COAL! REALLY BAD ACCIDENTS, DEAD MINERS!"
"Well, let me take a look. I'll judge its safety. I'm smart in biology... and I read a lot on geology."
Stamm looked down the mine shaft.
"Do ya analyze everything?" Xavier.
Stamm ignored it.
"The poles are still brown... the hard rock is sturdy, good... yes, I see no cracks from here, excellent interior, newly replaced railroad tires."
G was amazed at Stamm's knowledge of mining.
"You know, I planned to inspect the Mine years ago... it's like he's doing my job." he smiled.
Explorer was annoyed. "From my point of view, he;s doing a pretty bad job of it; it was a gold mine, not silver, and what's with the stupid references to Mining Code? DEATH IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE HERE, AS PART OF THE COC!!"
Clyde saw another chance to expose Stamm.
"You know, most creatures just hop in and ride."
Stamm stopped inspecting.
"I knew that."
"Okay. Cameras were set up in the mine a long time ago. We'll go to the end of the mine, and review your first run."
Stamm nodded. He looked at the rickety mine cart.
The council began booing at Stamm's lack of bravery. Popcorn flew everywhere, until G pulled a lever and a shower of Coke rained on the delegates.
Stamm hopped in. With a release of the break lever, the miniature mine cart started rolling. He was frightened.
Stamm flew down the tracks, his puffle fur blowing behind him. Fortunately, he remembered how to drive these things (he once took a field trip to a mine in college), and barely managed to tilt the cart around the turn. He had yet to do any tricks.
Stamm shouted as the track became bumpy.
"TTTTTHHHHHHIIIIISSSSSS IIISSSS IIINNNN SSSSUUUUCCCCHHHHH VVVIIIOOOLLLATTTION OOOFFF THHE MMIIIIIIINNEE CODDDEE!"
There was a lot more Cart Surfer Track to go.
He turned left, swerved right. Yet, he never did a single trick. He tilted, leaned, and screamed louder than any creature did before.
"GAH!" Stamm shouted. He almost hit a stalagmite.
Eventually, he came to the long, straight edge of the mine, where the cart surfer game was completed.
__________________________________________________ | | | YOU HAVE EARNED 1 COIN. YOU NOW HAVE 1001 COINS. | |__________________________________________________|
He pulled on the cart's lever again, and the cart eased to a stop at the end of the track, where Explorer's puffles watched the video.
All of Explorer's puffles made remarks.
"Wow. I've never seen such screaming."
"What mine code?"
"Wat's a stalagmite?"
Stamm got off the cart, hyperventilating.
"Well... how... did... I... do...?"
Clyde and Xavier looked at one another. Then they spoke simultaneously.
"Well..." Xavier began.
"...due to the lack of tricks," Clyde interrupted, "I'd say that..."
"...it was good, but ya needed more...."
"...backflips aren't hard! Just lean back and...."
"...don't ferget teh duck when ya approach dem...."
"...stalagmites are nothing. Just do a left grind and....."
"...follow dem signs! Dey tell ya when teh....."
"...arrive at the end. It always works. Trust me."
Stamm looked on as Xavier and Clyde babbled on, spewing out random and illegible comments and tips. Danny whispered from behind, "Nevermind them. Let's see how well you can play JetPack Adventure!"
At the mention of JPA, Xavier and Clyde stopped talking.
"Ooh... this is gonna be good," Clyde said.
Xavier nodded, then grinned evilly.
Tale Six: We are NOT going to Jet Pack Adventure!
Stamm followed Explorer's puffles to The Beacon. Stamm found it hard to bounce up the steps.
"Ow...ow! My butt hurts!" complained Stamm.
"You should be used to it by now," replied Xavier.
"Ya....but the steps are a lot harder on this one...heh heh..." Stamm tried to make up a good excuse.
Eventually, they reached The Beacon. Xavier helped put the jet pack on Stamm.
"Good luck!" shouted Cylde as he pushed Stamm off the Beacon. Stamm screamed, but was then saved by a PSA agent.
He tried it again. This time, he managed to fly for a while, but stopped after almost hitting a tree. The PSA agent rescued him again.
"Don't worry. You're more than a metre above the tree."
"What if I fall?"
Stamm eventually had a third go. This time, he managed to fly and make it over the trees. The only problem was trying to land on the landing pad. He eventually fell far ahead for some unknown reason.
Stamm only gained a coin from the whole experience. He teleported back to his house.
"How did it go?" asked Huma.
"Not so well....I feel giddy!" replied Stamm. Following that, he rushed to the toilet and vomited. He came out, feeling groggy.
"You go next round..."
TAIL Seven: Caught in the Act!
Huma and Stamm were back to the drawing board.
"What are we going to do next, smartypants?" asked Stamm, in a mad manner.
"Stop blaming it on me you rotten imbecile! I NEVER KNEW!" Huma screamed back, which made Stamm terrified.
"Wait a minute...I've got a brilliant idea!"
"What? You want to transform into a puffle again?"
"No! I mean, we could pose as Tails. You could do it. Remember when you went skiing in Montana? You rocked!"
"What's a Montana?" asked Penghis Khan.
"You can count on me!" replied Tails enthusiastically.
Huma went into the ShapeShifter, and transformed into Tails.
"Wait a minute...besides acting fearless, what do I do?" asked Huma.
"I don't know, just go while I watch that Bob Barker episode again." replied Stamm. With that, Huma teleported to CP.
Huma decided to head to the Coffee Shop. Suddenly, he found the Real Tails in there. Tails shouted "A COPYCAT! LOOK!"
"Is that Fake Tails6000?" asked a fellow customer.
"No, the REAL fake is not as alike as the FAKE FAKE. LETS GET HIM!"
"HE LIED TO US TWICE! LETS DESTROY HIM!"
Everyone in the Coffee Shop, with the exception of Tails, went chasing after Huma.
"Good job, Tails." said G through the pager.
"Lets hope they give up." replied Tails.
Huma was far away from them, and decided to teleport back to the Catherdal.
"So, how did it go?"
Tale Eight: Don't bloomin' act as me, wot?
Stamm went through the character cards again.
"Lets try Maddieworld," said Stamm.
"You dweeb! Maddieworld's a girl!"
"Isn't she easy to act as?"
"Not really...it says she is married to Swiss Ninja."
"Okay...how about this guy?"
"Ninjinian? Not a good choice. I don't have an obsession with cookies, especially chocolate chip."
"Possible, but I don't using him would gather any good and useful information."
"How about this? I guess he is easy to act as!"
"Mayor McFlapp? He has an accent. You don't have a Cockney accent!"
"I like speaking in Cockney, wot? Its bloomin' hilarious!"
"Wot, he can't even speak properly!" said Mayor McFlapp.
Everyone started booing and throwing popcorn at the screen again. G tried to stop them, but to no avail.
Stamm, as Mayor McFlapp, set off for Ternville. He went into his office and sat down on the bloomin' chair.
"Eh, urm...Becky, wot? Could you give me a cup of bloomin' tea, eh?" said Stamm in his lousy Cockney accent. Becky seemed confused.
"Mayor McFlapp, you are acting very strangely today."
"Wot, I'm not acting strange! I'm flippin' bally happy, wot!"
"Okay..." Becky walked away to prepare his cup of bloomin' tea.
"Eh, I bloomin' hear the bloomin' phone ringing, wot?" Stamm picked up the phone. It was some sort of nasty puffle voice on the line.
"Mayor McFlapp, get here right now! I'm so going to-wait, oh never mind."
"Eh, who are you? The bloomin' postpenguin, eh?"
"Bloomin' eh? Eh?"
The line cut off at that point. With each sentence Stamm said, he exaggerated the accent a bit more.
"Here's our cup of tea, McFlapp!" Becky exclaimed when she entered the room. She was all along aware that Stamm was in fact Mayor McFlapp.
"Bloomin' thank bloomin' you! Eh, this is some bloomin' lovely flippin' tea, wot eh? Eh?"
"Wot, he's exaggerating the accent so badly! Lets boo some more!" Mayor McFlapp exclaimed. The audience continued booing, throwing both popcorns and popcorn baskets. G, once again, tried to calm them down.
"Bloomin come bloomin in! This bloomin is bloomin' great!"
"Mayor, you would have to do some paperwork on the upcoming projects in Ternville."
"Flippin' bloomin' flippin' bloomin' paperwork! Bloomin' thank flippin' you!"
"Mayor, do you think I need to fetch your medic-"
"I'm not bloomin' sick, bloomin' Becky! I'm just too bloomin' excited, wot!"
"Okay....here is the pile of paperwork. Do I need to fetch your pen from the-"
"No thank you, bloomin' dear. i would bloomin' do it myself, wot!"
With that, Stamm, as Mayor McFlapp, started signing anyhow on the paperwork. Thankfully, Becky took in fake paperwork with false information to mislead Huma and Stamm.
"Wot's t's? Something to do with twenty-three new hot springs, wot? I never knew penguins liked to bathe in a hot-spring, wot!"
"Something to do with sofas. Bother, I think penguins like sofas, wot! Then there's this big fat drawing of a penguin with 3-D glasses, wot! I think he's some fan. I'll sign it!"
After signing all the paperwork, Stamm handed them to Becky and teleported himself back to The Humana Catherdal while Becky was exiting the door.
"What a joke! If he's going to go into a hot spring, wot, he'll be exposed!" said Mayor McFlapp.
"Yeah. Stamm deserves it all right." replied Explorer.
"Huma! I'm back, wot! I've gathered some bloomin' information on the bloomin penguins, eh?
"STAMM! YOUR COCKNEY ACCENT IS TERRIBLE! IT WOULD PROBABLY SOUND LIKE A PARAMECIUM MULTIPLYING SO LOUDLY THAT YOU CAN HEAR IT."
"Why do I have you as a brother! Anyway, what information did you receive?"
"I found out the following. I wrote it on a piece of paper for clearer reference!"
WHAT PENGUINS HAVE, LIKE AND ARE: ANTARCTICA OWNS 120 COAL POWER PLANTS ANTARCTICA OWNS 34 OIL RIGS PENGUINS LIKE SODAS
"Stamm...are you sure there are thirty-four oil rigs in Antarctica?"
"YOU IMBECILE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE THAT DUMB TO THINK THERE ARE THIRTY-FOUR OIL RIGS IN ANTARCTICA! THE ANTARCTIC TREATY STATES THAT NO OIL RIGS ARE ALLOWED. EVEN IF THEY ARE, THERE CAN'T BE THITY-FOUR! ANTARCTICA IS NOT BLATANT OF OIL, YOU FOOL! I...I rest my case."
Eventually, Huma and Stamm decided to give up on their project due to a number of failures, mostly miserable ones. Huma and Stamm are inactive as of now, and are probably playing another game of Parchessi.