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I'M COMING FOR YOU!
|Type||Spacecraft, and later a weapon|
|Effects||Robot suit with a flamethrower, jetback, and extreme mechanical/hydrolic strength|
|Source||Joint East Pengolia/Stank Industrial Company project (without the consent from its leader)|
|Location||On the battlegrounds of ORANGE and GREEN|
|Cost to buy||Trillions of Soviets, tens of millions of Pebbles|
|Cost to sell||Unassessed|
The Redbot is a manned spacecraft and heatproof suit of armor developed by the commies of East Pengolia using technology and funding from Stank Industrial Company, given by a nefarious subordinate of the company without the consent of its manager, the legendary Iron Walrus. Other funding was given proudly by ORANGE to develop a heavy weapon against GREEN. It was a good thing, then, that the villain in Stank industries chose to do that.
It was intended to be the start of an East Pengolian space program to compete with PASA. The Eastern Pengolians were going to use it for two missions. The first was to test its heat-resistant capabilities by piloting it orbit at a very close proximity to the sun, as close as possible. The second was a forty two year trip (twenty one years each way) to Uranus by ten "lucky" cosmonauts: nine in a command unit and one in the Redbot. That second mission was never performed, because the nefarious subordinate wanted the Redbot to be used as a weapon.
Its solar mission began in July 4th, 2010. It arrived at the sun on September 29, 2011, taking four hundred fifty two days instead of a normal rocket's one hundred fifty four, because it was powered by the rockets of the Redbot alone. A sad mishap in the program caused the Redbot and its pilot to be left behind. When she finally returned, she began to hunt down the leader that ordered the pull-out for revenge.
Fortunately, she stopped and showed grace as she was reunited with her family, courtesy of that famous peacemaker, Patricia.
Ever since East Pengolia split from West Pengolia, the Marxists were looked down upon by their capitalist enemies that surrounded them. The diligent and patriotic workers of East Pengolia needed a means to assert themselves as superior to the realm they split from. East Pengolia had been dragging its weary self into modern times, while West Pengolia remained as backwater as ever under the rule of Penghis Khan.
Still, both nations had fairly lousy standards of living and were both poor. East Pengolia was doing far better than West Pengolia, but a state-run economy can only do so much.
There was only one problem in this, though. East Pengolia was broke. A poor socialist country is not the place to invest in spacecraft. The bourgeois, like it or not, were going to be essential in developing this item.
Bolsheevic Penguinsky was very interested in space programs. Something inside just told him it was necessary to do. He decided to travel to the capitalist USA to secure funding.
The famed socialist came to find the son of Odie, Iron Walrus' main enemy, a villanious penguin named Odie2. Odie2 agreed to use his department of Stank Industries to fully invest in EPSP-PWNAGE (East Pengolian Space Program of PWNage, Win, and Neverending, Awesome, and Glorious Exploration) and even to provide them with assistance in armor.
The result was Redbot.
The first ever EPSP-PWNAGE mission was numbered PWNAGE-1-R. This meant it was the first mission (1) using the Redbot (R). The object was simple. Make the one hundred fifty four day trip with one commie in the Redbot and three commies in a command module tethered to the redbot. To test the power and strength of the Redbot, it would be propelled, once launched, by the Redbot alone. Like a towtruck, the Redbot would drag its command module behind it en route to the nearest star, the sun! Then, after the Redbot orbited very close to the sun for a month of observation, the tethering would be re-established and the command module would head back home.
The mission was going to take four hundred fifty two days to get to the sun, and the same amount back. The commander of the mission was named Harkoff Harkoff II. The pilot of Redbot was a female named Iheartlenin. All of the crew were Khanz, and their mission control was the combined forces of ORANGE and Stank Industries.
The sun-bound trip went terrifically. The cosmonauts had a great ride, laughing, talking, joking, learning, testing, and overall enjoying each other's company while going boldly where no penguin had gone before. A lot of data was gathered and the gravity assists from the earth, the moon, Venus, Mercury, provided both an increase in speed and very valuable data for the socialists back home, as well as the project's backers. The crew were all the best of friends.
According to their mission, the command module was to orbit a good distance from the sun while the Redbot was to orbit very close to the sun, practically in its corona, to test its power. The command module would monitor the vital signs and other things, such as solar flares, to keep the Redbot's pilot safe and alive. The command module, which was not as heat resistant, had to release its tethering of the Redbot to protect itself.
It was then, though, that the jets that propelled the Redbot and the module this far failed as they were entering orbit. Mere hours into actually getting to the sun, the entire trip became in vain as the Redbot began plummeting to the surface of the very star that gives them life.
The commander, Harkoff Harkoff II, was horrified at his best friend falling into the star. He lost communication with as he vanished into the glare of the sun. Wanting to rescue him but incable of getting close enough, the commander ordered the module to abort the mission immediately and go back home. The module immediately turned around and began blasting off... -but suddenly, and to their joy, Iheartlenin managed to re-stablish contact with them!
She pleaded to the module to come back. She managed to fire the jets one last time and re-enter a lower orbit around the sun. She told them to help her. What sort of friend would leave one of their own behind? What true Marxist lets a comrade fall? Apparently, Harkoff did.
As Iheartlenin began crying as they flew off, Harkoff shut down the communicagtions and flew back home. All of his crew were in shock at his un-Soviet act, but they remained silent the rest of the way home.
Iheartlenin remained in orbit around the sun, without communications and nothing except herself, the Redbot, and her supplies, for the next two years. She finally managed to find out the problem with the jets and escape her steller prison, taking a lonely year and three months to return.
The weary, tired, and aged-looking Khanz managed to return to the earth several years after they left her behind. She slammed to the earth and began using the Redbot's sheer power to barrel on to the headquarters of EPSP-PWNAGE, which had become far more advanced by this time.
Iheartlenin horrified all she came across as no East Pengolian military unit could stop the fortress of a spacecraft. GET PROTECTIONS was called in with their Super Penguins to halt her in a last-ditch effort, but they failed in stopping Iheartlenin's quest to crush Harkoff. They had to resort to "Plan B".
Isolation having damaged her, she had gone crazy in a sense, shouting "I'M COMING FOR YOU" and "IHEARTLENIN IS TRAIN; AAAAAH!", and "RUN COWARDS, NAAAAHHHHH" which would have been funny if they weren't coming from a cosmonaut bent on revenge.
Iheartlenin managed to grab Harkoff and was going to crush him in the claws of the Redbot. It was then, though, that "Plan B" arrived. It was (a much older) Patricia, of SkyBound fame, who managed to have a "girl-to-girl" talk with Iheartlenin, while Harkoff was still in her clutches.
Iheartlenin justified her rage by saying that he robbed her years of her lfie and that she never got to see her family and her chicks. Patricia had planned for that. Her family were escourted in, and Iheartlenin cried tears of joy. Patricia reasoned with Iheartlenin and told her that she was "a cosmonaut, not a killer", "a mother, not a murderer", "a scientist, not sinister", and pleaded with her to show grace. (Grace is the withholding of punishment that is deserved.)
Seeing her family again, she did show grace. Placing Harkoff down, she drove her spacecraft to her family and, at long last, jumped out to hug her loved ones.
Now happy, Iheartlenin went home and retired with full East Pengolian honors, and she lived happily ever after.
However, it was time to pay the piper.
In exchange for the funding, ORANGE and Odie's son demanded use of the Redbot as a weapin. The Marxists didn't like it, but they had no choice.
The Redbot was deprived of its flight capabilities and wapped exclusively for ground work, The fuel tanks were shrunk and many, MANY missiles and guns of all types, both harmful and immobilizing, were added on its mighty arsenal. Its hydraulics and outstanding strength were kept to make it a sturdy weapon.
ORANGE, in its endless battle against GREEN, took the Redbot to the field and easily smashed their rival. Ten Redbots, all stashed with clones of Private Eastshield (MAGGOT), slammed their rival without a fight. That night, though, GREEN's gentlemen-spies stole the blueprints and schematics for Redbot, and made Redbots of their own.
Thus, the balance was restored. It was GREEN against ORANGE, Redbot against Redbot, in the endless back-and-forth stalemate that had begun all those years ago.
- The solar mission is a direct parody of the Crimson Dynamo from the television series, Iron Man's Armored Adventures, see also this portrait.