Route One to Nowhere

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Geographic map Route One. The brown line is the current Mattres Village road. The dark grey streak is Shroo-Kanto Freeway. The proposed and the completed sections are different shades of grey. All of this turmoil was for a fifty mile stretch of (familair looking) road. Click to enlarge.

Route One to Nowhere, also called Route One, The Nowhere Road, R1, and Shroo-Kanto Freeway (its official name), is a cancelled, transportation project that has no destination. It was intended to connect Mattress Village to Highway One and was supposed to spur immense commerce and trade between the isolated hick town and the bustling speedway. It was the result of a civil suit demanding "an easier way to commute, but no one expected what it would awaken.

The case came to be known as "Ash v. the Conservative Bloc", because one Polaris citizen dared to challenge everything that was blood-red in Eastshield. The media was all over this.

It was the source of fierce debate in Mattress Village and in the government overall, and really served as a time of unprecedented insight into the way a kritarchy works.

Mattress Village itself was divided, and the entire case went nationwide. The court suits that helped create Route One made it all the way to the Three Superior Courts of the Continent (the "Big Three"), but was settled by Judge Xavier (using writ of certori), who decreed referenda. A split 21-21 tie in the Mattress Village Board of Censors and the citizenry there was broken by a tie-casting vote by the Mayor of Mattress Village, the only time in history that the tiebreaker ability of the mayoral position was used.

The story[edit]

Prologue: I Choose You, Mattress Village![edit]

Mattress Village is a small town with immense notability. Despite having a popualtion well under one thousand, the city still manages to wield some of the mightiest political clout in their side of Eastshield, and some of the most powerful penguins known to the continent, as well as several sets of saviors, heroes, and heroines, all hatched or lived in that area. A hotbed for conspiracies and a thriving econmy, even in the economic depressions, the city has managed to remain rural despite having the potential to become the next West Bank, Zurich, or even South Pole City.

This is probably because few wanted to invest in a place that will arson buildings if they dare serve Cream Soda, and because they like to have the right to say "crap" and "hyphen-ampersand-caret-sign-aasterik" in public squares.

Still, Mattress Village has shown to be stable, quiet, and a place to strike wealth if one wants to brave the horridly backwards customs. Few do, but this story is about one who did.

Chapter One: Wild Carpetbagger Appeared![edit]

Carpetbagger. N.: "an outsider who seeks power or success presumptuously"

The dawn of the chaos can be traced to a slick penguin from Polaris. He was a tall, healthy Emperor penguin named Ash McCon. He was most known for his unkempt black hair, baseball cap, and tendency to dress in a vest and a pair of jeans. He was always accompanied by a yellow puffle and carried a homeade luggage carrier made from his own igloo rug (because he was a miser). Ash was acutally very wealthy, but he dressed like a backpacker because he was too cheap to purchase suits or wash his laundry more than a week at a time. His puffle was his business partner.

He didn't look like a city-slicker- though he was as urban as a big-city banker -and his manner of dress tricked the always-hospitable hicks into welcoming him an touring his town. Despite owning a pufle, Ash looked "trustworthy enough" to be in the city without question.

In actuality, though, Ash was an excellent businesspenguin and YOWSER insider. He knew a good market when he saw it and believed that the air simply reaked of untapped wealth. He could not have been more right, or more full of himslef. Ash was always prideful and always saw himself as "the best"; his puffle usually had to bite him to shock him back into reality.

Yet, Ash was a master of his craft and strived to be the very best investor and businesspenguin, like no one ever was. To him, specualtion was his real test, and making money, his cause. Ash travelled across the land, and searched far and wide for a lucrative offer. As a well-learned businessman, he knew the power that could lay inside this city. It was Ash and his puffle, and they both saw it as their destiny to make a million or twenty off of this city. These two best friends were about to throw themselves in a world that must defend the status quo, or be changed forever. It was so true, so true when Ash comented that he "didn't know what he was getting into", but being cocky, he was sure that his courage would pull them through. He decided that his mistakes would teach him and he'd teach his mistakes. So was the pride this penguin carried.

In Unoian slang, Ash was a carpetbagger. He had no interest in furthering or residing in Mattress Village. He wanted to sweep in and ake them to the cleaners. He was in the city from Polaris to make a fortune, not to liv or make friends with the residents.

The stage was set. Ash had finished his tour and was specifically interested in the outlying areas of Uno Valley, where farmers would discuss the occasional finding of "purty rocks that might be gems". He toured some homes and saw these rocks. Ash was no appraiser, but he knew a ruby when he saw one! Not to mention the business oppurtunities and, if he felt evil, the smuggling.

Chapter Two: It's Sue-per Effective![edit]

Ash's main frustration in mattress Village was getting there. The drive between Highway One and Mattress Village was a two-lane, paved road, that hadn't been repaved in sixty years! His car rattled under him and his puffle got sick in the backseat. The stain on his luxury automobile convinced him to make his first move: straight to the courthouse.

Krytocric precedent had implied that citizens had the right to take grievances to courts. Judges could hear these cases and issue injunctions compelling the government to start doing something or refrain from doing something. Injunctions and precedents, the main legislative tools of the judiciary, were key in cases like MOM v. Gates and the USECP Trials, where small companies were ordered by court not to sue for antitrust, and USECP was re-interpreted under the law to be a legal person to be protected from EBUL. Judges were the key to power in Antarctica, so where else would Ash go?

Ash's lawsuit was economic. The speech was written by his puffle, since Ash wasn't the best at oratory skills. His argument?
"The lack of a decent road from Highway One to Mattress Village infringes my abiltiy, and the ability of all others, to commute to Mattress Village and partake in its municipal economy and legal commerce. A highway would also increase the efficeincy of state police and allow the cash-strapped city to call in actual police to supplement its volunteer vigilante force. It would lead to a less-crime-infested and even purer city,and allow the municipal budget to be less strained, making life better and richer for all Unoians."

The only judge in Mattress Village was Judge Shroo Jones of the Nineteenth State Appealate Circuit. This rural area was too sparse to devolve any lower power, so the "appelate" court in fact had original jurisdiction prety much the entire district.

This was a federal case, but the federal courts granted this state court to settle the affair in their name- and to rule and compel the federal government as if it was a federal court -because "they didn't want to get their flippers diry with fifty miles of road and a bunch of far-too-sober paranoid farmers".

Judge Shroo had become famous in recent years in the chaotic trials of USECP and in helping pen the NICE Act. He had begun to resurface as a noticable judge, despite being immobile and only alive by machine. Yet, his stubbornness and refusal to step down became very advantegous to outsiders. Carpetbaggers like Ash had gotten their big breaks before, and Ash could easily get the Praetor to agree with him.

The Snowman-garbed judge began the hearing on Ash's case immediately after a grand jury determined his case was a good idea or a needed one to propose to the judiciary. The case was Ash v. Volt II, et. al.. The son of Seargeant Volt was named the defendant because his Executive Cabinet sector was the department in charge of this, not because he was being sued. The Ministry of Transportation was also targeted as a defendant. (Highway One was an interstate highway and was, therefore, the federal business of the government, not Eastshield.) Since the federal government didn't care about a fifty mile stretch of road, they declined to defend the status quo. However, the city of Mattress Village took up as the defendent because "they don't trust that carpetbagger and his mooching furball". The case's real name was Ash v. Volt II, Ministry of Commerce and Trade, et. al., Defendents; Mattress Village Board of Censors, Intervenor-Defendent.

The trial was a long one, because Judge Shroo saw each one's point as recognizable. While he had loyalty to his town and understood tha ta big road would bring new people that could corrupt Prohibition and their morals, Ash restated that ways could be worked out to prevent lawsuits against the decency law books, and only Unoians could vote, anyway. He mentioned that other places in the valley would benefit from the increased trade and had quite a defense to back that up.

Judge Shroo again made history and sided with Ash. A road was to be laid.

Using powers the federal courts gifted him to rule by, Shroo ordered an injunction on the federal government, forcing them to begin funding a road to Mattress Village and connecting it to Highway One. The elderly praetor said that the federal government was to "use as much money as they needed". Bennywatchers and CREAM SODA Party immediately began to foam at the beak.

Chapter Three: Enemy CREAM SODA used "WHINE ABOUT DEBT"![edit]

The case was almost settled when Bennywatchers and CREAM SODA Party made an uproar about HOW MUCH DEBT that the new road, by now named "Shroo-Kanto Freeway", would cost... "-and for what?", they argued.

They asked the defeat-stricken Mattress Village to let them become intervenors, too. The hicks were fans of these fierce anti-debt, fiscally conservative groups, and accepted. The case was now Ash v. Volt II, Ministry of Commerce and Trade, et. al., Defendents; Mattress Village Board of Censors, Bennywatchers, CREAM SODA Party, et. al. Intervenors-Defendent. They appealed.

The media picked up on this and began caling the case Ash v. the Conservative Bloc. It caught on.

The case was appealed to the federal level, skipping Eastshield for federal reasons. However, and again, the feds did not want to involve themselvs in the affairs of Mattress Village. They decided to repeat their first move and decided to give the High Court of the State of Eastshield federal authority to act on this case. They then remanded the case to them.

Judex Maximus was the judge in charge of hearing out the case. CREAM SODA Party and Bennywatchers pitched a mighty rant on debt to the judge, and the MVBC was driven to silence this road idea once and for all. Ash and his puffle, meanwhile, continued to defend the "good" a full highway could do, and how it would help him and the villagers.

Judex agreed with Ash and sided the case in favor of him, and even went a step forward.

The citizenry of Mattress Village has failed to convince me, given the evidence provided, that the culture and lifestyle of the penguins of the city will be affected, harmed, or removed by the investment of foreign commerce and infrastructure. Ultimately, the city controls its destiny, and already has countless ordinances gridlocking its antiquated system, with little hope for progressing their way of life to a more modern age.

Considering that their district's judge is Unoian and very rural, it does not seem likely that he would, by krytocric precedent, or by injunction, ever compel Mattress Village to, say, revoke its Prohibition or height ordinances, ect., for any forseeable reason. Without question, the only result of the Shroo-Kanto Freeway would be increased trade and more police to enforce the very rules that Mattress Village fears will be removed. I, then, side with Ash.

An injunction is attached to this opinion, ordering the federal government to start laying asphalt immediately to complete this road.
— Judex Maximus

The road construction began the next week. Baron-Volt Industries would be the contracted paver. The Unoians, for the first time in their history, picketed the construction by protest.

As one Polarian commentator said:

This case is more than just a road. Mattress Village is going to be dragged kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. Already, I have heard that they are protesting. WITH SIGNS. This flicker of civilization comes from a municipality that exploded saloons in the 1960s and continues to sentence any "indecent" speech in public to hours of community service, or even caning. Yes, they hit people with canes in those courts.

Shroo-Kanto Freeway is literally paving the road to the future for Mattress Village, and maybe, just maybe, the blood red situation it brews in may leak in this new, excuse the pun, transportaion artery being given to them.
— Polaris commentator

Mattress Village had lost again, but they were only getting started. The federal courts had exhausted the ways to keep the Unoian case from reaching them. This time, they ordered a third remand and had Judex Maximus and Judge Shroo join a panel of three other judges in deciding the case.

Chapter Four: MVBC used "TESTIMONY"![edit]

The panel began hearings soon after.

By now, anyone that was interested in politics was listening to this case on the radio or watching it unfold on television. It was all the news reported, and it was quite a popular suject amongst people. It was the first time in years that Mattress Village became a commonly heard term.

Now, though, Mattress Village was joined by the neighboring realms of Great Leap Fourth, Happy Purple Town, It is Well Pass, and Lily Steppe. The Leapers, Passites, and Lilians feared that their beautiful land would be the next to be paved ("they'd pave paradise").

However, Doubletown sided with Ash. The roads would "finally allow all of these illegals to be deported" and would allow cops "to come and get them". It would also "save a boat load of money" for transportation to Singin' Singin' Prison. They acknowledged that Route One would have to pave Great Leap Fourth to reach them, but they said it was "all right with them".

Then, Polaris agreed to provide legal assistance and evidence to Ash and the settlement of Doubleton, naming itself as a plaintiff in the case, simply because of the city's rivalry and opposite beliefs of the Unoians. They presented good evidence, though.

The case, again, was renamed Ash, Settlement of Doubleton, City of Polaris, et. al. v. Volt II, Ministry of Commerce and Trade, et. al., Defendents; Mattress Village Board of Censors, Bennywatchers, CREAM SODA Party, Uno Valley et. al., Intervenors-Defendent, and shortened to Ash v. Uno Valley.

Now, the defendents had to bring in big guns. Their sworn enemy and one of their own had sided with Ash, all wanting their interests advanced. The picketing stopped as Mattress Village began to argue amongst itself.

To help their case, expert testimonies were called and sworn in for both sides.

Character Team Field of expertise Testimony summary
TurtleShroom (Penguin) Jones Defendent Persuasion/Priamry evidence/Uno resident/Appeal to Fear Matress Village could be overrun and altered by all the new commerce and settlers that Shroo-Kanto Freeway would attract. By settling in Mattress Village and meeting Unoian residency requirements, all males could join and vote on the Board of Censors' key decisions, and, of course, all residents of all genders could vote in referenda that would ultimately change laws! Even the City Charter would be in jeporady in about one hundred years, as liberals spawn and make more, who will eventually rise to power and result in Mattress Village BECOMING THE NEXT POLARIS!
David Gerald Defendent Libertariansm/fiscal conservatism/debt expert/USECP leader While Mattress Village has no right to censor like it does, the BIG GOVERNMENT is SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY to make the highway. Already in debt, they plan to entertain the idea of a mega-multi-million road AND open the prospects of paving It Is Well Pass- which would cost millions in eminent domain alone -or worse, bowing to the Pass and CARVING AN EXPENSIVE TUNNEL to get to Doubleton!! THE NATION CAN'T AFFORD THAT!
AeroNachos Plaintiff Airport master Shroo-Kanto Freeway would be a magnificent addition to the infrastructure of Antarctica and would finally connect Dan Beronews Reigonal Airport to a real road. It could then expand and open new trade oppurtunities and perks both toe Mattress Village, the midnight traffic controllers that monitor that little strip, and the Antarctic economy. The highway would save that crumbling airport and increase commerce innumerbly. The "unlimited funds" used for this road could easily tunnel under It Is Well Pass and make tis way to Doubleton. It'd cost a fortune, but it'd be SO WORTH IT.
Farmer Klep2 Plaintiff Unoian resident, MV Police
and Cream Soda Destruction League volunteer
The highwaywould allow the cash-straooed city to have federal and state policemen assist in Mattress Village. Currently, the laws are upheld by vigilantesism and volunteer work, and the increase in crime and wrath of Agatha are straining the citizenry to the brusting point. Speakeasies are forming underground; one hick cop with a speed trap halfway from Highway One does NOT count as police presence. Mattress Village needs the help of Eastshieldian police, and this highway is the only ticket to getting real patrollers. The road would not pave his farm.
Roughy16 Defendent It Is Well Pass/Unoian resident, primary evidence The new road would only be the start. Doubleton, which has joined this case, wants to be accessed as well, and the only way through Doubleton is by It Is Well Pass. The residents would have to have their property seized and evicted, and then the construction workers would have to battle the fierce monsters that prowl the pass. Building uphill and through their home is not acceptable, and allowing Route One would open that possibility.
Rory Plaintiff CP's greatest architect It Is Well Pass could remain unpaved if the extension from Route One was simply moved about a mile to the left or right. Tunneling through the mountains, the entire Pass could be bypassed and still please Doubleton. The highway could do the same, tunelling under the farmer's valuable land and popping back out at the paved entrance to the "downtown" district of Mattress Village. The only problem would be that this would cost BILLIONS of currency.

Judge Shroom recused himself from the bench, and then there wee four. The remaining four justices were split down the middle. Two sided with the Unoians in paving paradise and the slipper slope, and Judex Maximus and the other sided with the builders and even agreed to use the tunnel mandate, whatever the cost. Pressure from the libertarians increased, and Mattress Village learned that increasing the debt could be their best argument, not the fate of their own people.

The road[edit]

Route One was solid asphalt and eight lines large (four on each side), a marvel of road infrastructure to be laid by the renowned Volt Public Works contractor (a subsidiary of Baron-Volt Industries).



  • Route One to Nowhere is a parody of the first road in Pokemon. The road duplicates the path exactly.
  • Route One to Nowhere is also a parody of the Gravina Road to Nowhere, an Alaskan road that was to contain a monstrously large and expensive bride to enable the 300,000 commutters to travel on a real road instead of a weaksauce, overexhausted, crowded ferry. It became the definition of pork barrel and resulted in heaps of Sarah Palin bashing, even though she was not Alaskan Governor when the road was approved. (Palin does not make an appearence.)
  • Quick! What's Ash the Carpetbagger a parody of?
  • When a documentary-drama was made on this, this music was used in the opening and closing credits, and also the climactic scene.
  • The chapter titles are Pokemon puns.

See also[edit]