User:TurtleShroom/Rule Sixty Three
|“||For every male character, there WILL be a female equivalent, either by canon or by fan work, every time, and without exception, period. So too, in reverse.||”|
— Rules of the Internet, Number Sixty Three
It is an ancient and endless tradition to depict male characters as female and female characters at male. Some do this for fun and others... uhhh...
SO, what if Explorer winds up in a reverse-gender universe? What sorts of unthinkable sights will he see? Will he ever get home? ...-and more importantly, how does Zone look in a skirt?
Prologue: the BOF Abides
"We haven't done anything with that bally Explorer in ages, wot." Mayor McFlapp noted, looking towards his arch-rival, the black-hearted, black-eyed Director Benny. Mayor McFlapp sat in a nice armchair and Benny in a puffle bed. A coffee table was in between them, and each had cups filled with tea, one hot, one sweet and cold.
"He is a great pawn and a lot of fun to mess around with." Benny noted, not looking at McFlapp.
"Well, he's beein fallin' the bloomin' way of many classic characters. I haven't seeen ol' Zlo do anything, wot."
"Good riddance for him."
"Shut it, ternhead."
"Don't multi-period me, infidel!"
"It's called an ellipsis, wot."
"I KNOW THAT."
There was another pause.
"You know, I have always wondered. When you're not narrating... who is?"
You bet'cha, and I'm the best darn narrator there i-
"Don't push it, wot."
"He's imitating that Alaskan spaz again. Should I unplug him?"
NO! NO! I won't do it again, I promise! (Well.......)
"So. Back to that bally Explorer."
"Yes. Maybe we should kill him."
"What? I have always wanted to see him get run over by a ball of tin foil, or soemthing like that."
"Again with the Phineas and Ferb references. I thought you HATED that show."
"So, why do you quote it?"
"It is NOT on my DVR, ternhead."
"Did I even bring that up?"
"We're boring the audience." Benny said, flatly.
"Well, excuse me for actually talking about something I bally want to talk about."
"Like they really care if that Kirby thing with a ribbon on his head is actually Meta Knight."
"IT'S A SERIOUS DEBATE."
Again, time passes.
"If you keep this up, the viewers are going to hit the back button, ternhead."
"Well, I can't always-"
"Your coffee, sir." a voice called.
"Becky? I didn't order any coffee, wot."
"I know," the female tern winked. "I just wanted to inspire you."
Mayor McFlapp watched his aide leave. Then another one came in.
"Hey Injoface. I'm here to shave you again."
Benny shivered and fled.
"It's odd that we don't have that many female staff in this department."
Mandy peeked back in.
"Or Antarctica. There should be more. It gets lonely with no other girl to talk to except that happy little desk jockey of yours."
"Well, the rules are pretty binding. You have to add new characters if you want females, Mandy. You can't just turn some existing male characters int- BY OVERGLORIFIED WAFFLE IRONS, THAT'S IT!! THAT IS BALLY IT!"
Benny came back out, as naked as a jaybird.
"What are you planning?"
"Well, you wanted to send Explorer away, right?"
"You wanted to severely scar him, right?"
"Every day that I exist."
Mayor McFlapp ran out of the lounge and to his office. Streaking Benny followed, as a nearby employee- named Ethel -didn't look.
"TERNHEAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"I knew this would come in handy!"
McFlapp turned to the organ and played a quick melody targeting Explorer.
"MCFLAPP, I KNOW THAT LOOK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"Oh, just... transferrin' Explorer to another blinkin' jurisdiction. That's all."
"No, don't send him to Phineas and Ferb, McFlapp. They think we're obbsessed already."
Mayor McFlapp squeezed himself behind the organ.
"Who said anything about sending him there, Benny?"
He popped back out with a pink and blue, striped switch. Benny's eyes widened.
"OH. MCFLAPP, NO. NO."
"OH BENNY, YES. YES."
"NOT THAT! NOT THAT! NOT......."
Chapter One: Yes, That
Explorer was in his sleeping chambers, stretching a bit as an alarm clock went off.
"Huh." the adelie penguin noted. "I haven't been the subject of a story in years. I wonder what they've got for me today?"
Explorer removed his nightcap and placed his reknowned propellor hat in its place. He preened his feathers a bit and wondered out. The first thing he noticed was that his room seemed a bit... cleaner.
"Hey, Fred finally got around to picking up all my spare hats." Explorer noted, impressed at the overall job.
Explorer always woke up before Fred, so Explorer sneaked into Fred's room to check on his brother. He noticed a change there, too. The walls were pink. The posters Fred usually had, of famous human mathamaticians, were there, but it wasn't Isaac Newton, or some other guys Explorer did not care about. It seemed to be the accomplished females in that field.
"Pink. Why didn't Fred tell me he was going to use the Igloo Decorator yesterday."
Explorer was too busy complaining about the pink to notice anything else.
Explorer continued around the igloo, again noting the cleanliness. He reached into the pantry and got himself some toast to eat. Gulping that down, he set on his way outside.
Bored out of his mind, he waddled down the streets of Residential Club Penguin.
He waved to the various penguins on the sidewalks around him, noting that most of them were fairly good looking females. He didn't give it a second thought, though, since he was thinking about something else.
"Gee, Club Penguin fashion is getting very complex now."
On the subject of complex, maybe he should visit Midas and Herb. They always had something to do. He heard a familiar catchphrase.
"Hey Herbette! I know what we're 'gonna do today"
WAIT A SECOND. Herbette?
His thoughts were interrupted by another voice.
Latin. There was only one penguin that- wait... wait. Did that voice sound a bit... deeper than usual? Something is weird. Almost as weird as a parent that would name their chick "Herbette".
"Well, I realized that there is an extreme scarcity of the Y-chromosome in this country." one voice replied, this one female. ...-and also, apparently, the voice's source was blind, Explorer noted. Antartica is practically a big sausage festival, so to speak: males everywhere.
"Not enough boys."
"Well, what about me?"
"Not counting you, Oliver."
Oliver? Not enough boys?
Explorer peeked out of their igloo into the Midas and Herb's expansive backyard. Three penguins were facing backwards to him. The first one was peach colored, and he really couldn't tell much else, since he or she was wearing a long robe-like dress, tied at the waits with a belt, bearing orange and white stripes. It had a hood or veil of sorts over the penguin's head. The second was, without question, a Governance bishop, in full dress (mitre and all)... -except it was purple... -and the penguin was pink. The third was a penguin in pale, sleeveless yellow shirt. She had long green hair and a purple headband. They were apaprently discussing something.
"According to tradition", the first penguin spoke up (by her voice, this one was female, too), "Male creatures are made of... ugh."
"What?" the bishop asked.
"It says here, snips, snails, and puppy dog tails."
"OH. DUDE, NO." the bishop interjected.
"Does anyone here even know what a dog is?"
Silence. Explorer saw this as an oppurtune time to come over and meet these strange birds, who were already rolling out an old witch's cauldron from last Halloween.
Explorer tapped on the first one.
"Excuse me, miss-"
The penguin turned around and removed the hood on her robe, revealing thick black glasses and a golden necklace. She had a thin set of eyelashes and, being a Dorkugese penguin- at least, Explroer thought this was so -she wasn't very pretty.
"CANREN?!" Explorer shouted.
"Huh? Oh, hey Explorer... who in the name of all that glitters is Canren?"
"You. You're Canren... disguised as Midas, obviously wanting to lead this brew to his mother.By the way, you really do look like him, but only female Dorkugese wear veils over them- modesty, ya know -and you'd have to snip off the eyelashes."
"Explorer?" the girl continued, "Are you in that shovel hitting mode again? The last time that happened, Abdullah couldn't do his job for weeks. Aslo... Midas?"
The bishop interrupted.
"Marian, who's this Midas fellow?" he said in that deep voice. "Where is he? There's a snowball and a bill hike in his future."
"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" Explorer shouted.
All of them were silent.
"Uhh..." the Canren imposter looked to the bishop.
"Explorer... I'm.... Marian. This is Oliver, and over there's Herbette."
Explorer's beak just hung open. He couldn't comprehend this. Marian and Oliver turned their backs to Explorer as they continued on to their project. Herbette had already provided the cauldron.
"Okay..." Marian began.
"This doesn't make sense." Explorer said.
"Snips... I think that's hair. Everyone, cut a piece of your hair and throw it into the pot. Herbette, you add the amino acids, lipids, and the water."
"Herbette. An obvious pun on Herb."
"Snails. Does anyone have a snail?"
Herbette produced a Rocketsnail.
"NO! NO! DON'T PUT ME IN THERE! NOOOO gurgle"
"Marian looks like Midas. ...-but girly."
"Puppy dog tails. What in the world are puppy dog tails?"
"We could try the tail of this thing that I found run over in the street."
"I CAN NOT HAZ NIFE!!1!1111!!!!"
"OWZERS!!!!!1~1!!!1! DO NOT WANT!!"
"Okay, you tend to the thing's amputated wound and I'll put the tail in."
"THERE IS ONLY ONE LOGICAL EXPLANATION."
"Now, apparently, we stir it until it makes a boy."
"Why yes, yes it is."
"MCFLAPP IS DOING RULE SIXTY THREEE!!"
Explorer screamed very loudly as the others covered their heads, trying to block the sound. He continued screaming as Marian ran over and tried to shush him. That's when...
"WILL YOU HOLD IT DOWN? I'M TRYING TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES IN HERE."
Another tall male penguin walkedo ut. He was wearing a reddish, long-sleeved shirt with what would be considered white pants, held up by a red belt. He had red hair that was sort of like those skater guys' hair or wigs.
"OH MERCY THEY GOT CANREN TOO." Explorer said.
"What are you girls up to today?" the male Canren commented, leaning over the cauldron.
"We're making a boy."
"It's not working." Oliver added. "Thank goodness."
"AH HA HA! AH HA HA! MAKING A BOY! HA HA HA!"
"Well Carter, I happen to be concerned about the propagation of our species."
Herbette signalled Marian over. A sequence of tapping followed.
"What's that? There's no way something like this could work? Oh. Dang, I guess you can remove the Rocketsnail then."
Herb did so.
"FREEDOM! FREEDOM!" the snail rejoiced.
Explorer was gone by the time the snail was dry.
Chapter Two: Gee, It Just Gets Worse
Explorer ran out of the RCP server and teleported to the traditional servers. This was getting weird. He didn't even want to THINK of seeing male Cadence.
He dashed into the Everyday Phoning Facility to contact someone who might be aware of this problem.
A penguin with short brown hair, tied into a ponytail, and a labcoat turned around.
"Yes? What do you need, Agent?"
"WHOA! MARY, I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU HERE."
This penguin did look like Mary. She had brown hair, but her labcoat was a full item, not like Mary, who just wore it unbuttoned over her shirt. Also unlike Mary, this penguin didn't have her pupils showing through her glasses. The fact that this penguin also had messy, short brown hair indicated that... oh no.
"G... uh... what does the 'G' stand for again?"
"Men." G commented. "They're always forgetting these sorts of things. Agent, the G stands for Gabrielle."
"What? Is there something troubling you?" G asked.
"N-no... no... not at all."
Explorer waddled away and sat down at one of the chairs in the Command Room. Then, another voice was heard. In came a penguin in the Delta costume... the one for females, OF COURSE, with sunglasses and a jet pack on her back. Oh no.
"G! I need your help! I got my jetpack caught in my HAIR. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!"
"Jet Pack Gal, I warned you several times, didn't I? Just cut your hair short and you'll never have that problem."
Jet Pack Gal moaned.
"It takes a lot to look this good! If I had short hair, I'd look like a total ge-"
"It looks good on you, boss."
Explorer thought it couldn't get any worse.
"Rookie? What is it?"
Explorer sighed for a bit. Thank goodness Rookie was- nope.
This wasn't the usual Rookie. She had on a Rockhopper belt, a pair of pink sunglasses, and blonde hair under that propellor cap that shamed him.... which really did make a whole lot of sense. Explorer, though horrified, sort of laughed at the cosmic irony that Rookie was a "dumb blonde". Her beak was smeared with red lines all over the place.
"I'm going on a date tonight, so I wanted to look good. So, when I tried to take this lipstick and put it on my beak... I think I missed."
G and Jet Pack Gal rolled their eyes.
"Rookie... Rookie Rookie Rookie Rookie...." the two said, shaking their heads. Explorer couldn't stop noticing the hair that swished with it. All of Club Penguin had been hit by RULE SIXTY THREE. The Masters were just being sadistic.
Exploer pulled out a newspaper, just to check if what he thought was true. Yep. Uncle Arctic.
He was going to do something about this.
Chapter Three: a Piece of His Mind
Explorer entered the Bureau of Fiction lobby, ready to confront the sudden disturbing-but-still-sort-of-neat literature they were conjuring up at the expense of his innocence. He climbed the stairs to the atrium and waited for a lift. He went to a bellhop- again, obviously dressed in the female version, skirt and all -and ordered him to take him to the Masters. Receiving the proper identification, the lift operator took Explorer to the top floor.
He walked down the Masters' halls and kicked the door of Mayor McFlapp's office down.
"MAYOR MCFLAPP!" Explorer screamed, looking for that blasted tern, "THIS IS INSANE, EVEN FOR YOU!! HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO ZONE AGAIN?"
He was interrupted by the sound of clashing blunt objects. They were fighting again.
"AHA! YOU THINK YOU CAN HIT ME, BUT YOU CAN'T, FURBALL!"
"I CAN AND I WILL, IMBECILE."
Uh-oh. These voices sounded to high to be male... oh no... NO...
Explorer cleared his throat to call their attention, and nearly passed out when he did.
Two characters stepped down and put their items- curling irons -away. The first was a yellow puffle, a bit chubby, with Mabel-like hair and dark circles around her black eyes. She had eyelashes and was wearing a director hat. The other was a female tern, wearing a black bonnet and a black bowtie. She also had a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.
"OH MY SUGAR WAFFLE. GIRL MAYOR MCFLAPP LOOKS LIKE MOTHER GOOSE."
Mother Goose female McFlapp shouted in a surprisingly gentle, still horribly accented voice. She sounded like a grandmother. "What are you interrupting our bally duel for? I was about to clobber Beatrice into next week, eh wot!"
"Oh great. Another man. Oh double great," the puffle added, "it's Explorer Frantics."
FRANTICS?! THAT WAS HIS MOM'S- oh, wait. Rule Sixty Three meant his mon was his... Explorer shivered.
"I hate you." Beatrice said.
Explorer couldn't stand Beatrice's vocie. It sounded like tens of thousands of helium ballons, blown by the lungs of Demon Penguins, and spoken out of the mouth of Nightmare herself... or was it himself now?
Although, it wasn't nearly as frightening as Benny's. It was actually sort of funny. Beatrice sounded like a chipmunk and McFlapp- or whatever his mom's name was -like a granny. This might be a little bit more fun than he thought.
"Explorer, McFlapp was my mother's maiden name. You also seemed to get that confused, wot. My real last name is-"
"HE DOESN'T CARE, ALICE!" Beatrice said, in that horrible voice. (It gave him the Willies.) Beatrice scooted out of the hallway.
"Is... is the evil gone now?" a meek voice called out.
"Yes... Keisha, Beatrice's bloomin' gone now."
Keisha poked her head out from under a desk.
"OH GOSH." Explorer noted. She had big, bubbly eyes and long white hair. Anime Keisha was far worse than anime Keith. At least the Japanese school uniform was floor-length, or there'd be Zone trouble.
Before he left, though, he turned to Alice.
"Alice, let's just say, hypothetically, that I wanted to go to a universe where everyone's gender is sw-"
"Explorer, I know you're not supposed to be here, wot wot." Alice interrupted. "I got a call from that handesome counterpart of mine about the transfer. We can't send you back right now."
"Uh... heh..." Alice rubbed her wing on her bonnet, "We sort of broke the Rule Sixty Three button in our... fight."
"Well, we'll probably have Maxine the Repair Demon fix it. It'll be as good as new in 'bout a bally day, wot. Until then, I guess you can run along and have fun."
"Yes, Explorer?" Alice replied, in that sweet granny voice of hers.
"What's your father's last name?"
"Ah, my friend, it's-"
"ALICE, BEATRICE IS BRIBING AN OFFICER AGAIN." a secretary tern peeked his head into the room. This must have been male Becky.
"Thanks Butch! Oh, 'gotta run!"
Explorer exited the Masters' hall and lowered himself down the lift. He looked at all the female employees. Some were dressed conservatively, others in those hip new fashions, and some weust wearing shirts and a skirt (or no skirt at all)... -and there were pantsuits. How he hated pantsuits.
Explorer happened to pass by the Astronomy Department of the Department of Science. He gazed up at the golden mobile that hung over the dark blue door (with white dots) that led into the department... -and he double checked. Who switched Mars and Venus?
Explorer then prepared to exit the BOF, knowing exactly who he wanted to see as the opposite gender next.
Chapter Four: DON'T LOOK
Explorer took a BOF teleporter and landed outside of a fence. A sentry box, sort of like a shack, was the only (legal) way in. He walked over.
"Welcome to Mattress Village. I am the sentrypenguin."
Explorer laughed. She was wearing a floor-length skirt and apron. The sentrypenguin also wore a blouse buttoned up so much that you couldn't even see her chestpatch. She looked like one of those "pilgrim" salt shakers in a human Thanksgiving.
"State your name and business." she said, looking over him with xenophobic suspicion.
"Explorer Freddel 767 Antic- Frantics. TurtleShroom's friend."
"Oh. Sorry. Friend of the Joneses."
"I'm here with the censors."
"Oh! Yes, Ethel did say something about a male penguin in a propellor hat. Go on, go on in."
The sentry took out an iron key and turned it in the gate's padlock. It creaked open as the sentrypenguin curtsied. No, really.
"Have a great day, sir."
Explorer looked along the dirt road leading to the so-called "downtown" district way, way off in the distance. He decided that the first stop would be the Joneses. Then, he'd go see those chicks with the psychic powers.
Explorer immedately recognized the Joneses' residence. It was the grey, two-story one with the big Turtlenator flag. Or... was it Ethel-nator? Ethel. What a name.
He knocked on the door, and a shrill, but male, voice answered.
"COME IN!" it answered.
Explorer entered and realized who that voiced belong to. When he saw its homely owner, he wished he didn't.
This was undoubtedly the male TammyShroom. He was wearing a black sweatervest over a white shirt, with a black tie. His black hair was spread very thinly, nearly bald, but he rectified that with a "nice" combover. He had purple, taped-up glasses and a bad tooth problem. He was as ugly as his female counterpart.
"Explorer, is it?" Female Tammy bowed slightly. "I guess you're here to see Ethel. The whole family's here today, most of them upstairs watching television. Well, except Nathan. He's organizing his stamps in the living room."
Explorer did NOT want to see male Naomi, so he went upstairs, making sure not to look back.
Climbing the stairs, he entered Tur- EthelShroom's bedroom. A sofa was in front of an old, thick television (with antennae), and several penguins were watching a show. Another one was on a computer. He was interested and also creeped out by the penguins in the room.
A tall penguin was the first to stand up.... -and then curtsy. (Again with the curtsies.)
She was wearing a grey, long-sleeved shirt and had a mid-length black skirt, (Not one female in this room wasn't wearing a skirt, Explorer noted.) Holding this skirt up was a dark red belt, and she had a grey sash that matched the drab color of her shirt.
This must have been the female MobileShroom.
"Hey there Explorer." female MobileShroom said. "It's good to see you again. Ethel's on the computer."
Explorer nodded and sat down on th couch, as another penguin joined him, this one female... -and actually attractive. Apparently, female Tortugadesetas was much better looking than her male counterpart.
Her long, black hair nearly reached her waist, but she wasn't doing her good looks a favor in the baggy military suit she was wearing. (Again with the modesty.) Unlike her male counterpart, female Tortuga had thin, decent-looking eyebrows that accented her already pretty eyes. She had eyelashes and lipstick on her beak, too.
"Hola, Exploer. Good to see you today. ...you not here for money, are you?" she said. Her voice was also beautiful sounding, and very attractve. It was sort of funny, though, that she really didn't act any different; she was as corrupt as ever.
"No, I'm not here for money."
"Ah. Good, good."
Explorer turned away from the attractive female Tortuga and to whoever was next to him. He was startled.
From beautiful back to the usual ugly, there was a penguin he didn't actually know to well. In the male world, this would have been Hermeshroom, the obbsessive bureaucrat. Here, she might as well have been a librarian.
Dressed convervatively and with her hair in a bun, female Hermeshroom was far too busy scribbling on a notepad to look up at Explorer. She lacked eyelashes, or anythhing else really feminine, so he could only tell by her clothes. She was wearing a black pantsuit. Of course she was. She was alo wearing horn-rimmed glasses, which really didn't maker her look any less like someone who'd smack you with a ruler in a split-second.
On the subject of smacking people...
The penguin on the computer turned, and then smiled a warm smile, standing up. The penguin waddled over to Explorer- she was very tall -and he got a look at her.
This was female TurtleShroom (penguin). Or, as she was called in this universe, Ethelshroom. She obviously dressed as conservatively as possible. Ethel was wearing a white blouse, buttoned all the way up, and a brown, unbuttoned (female) sportscoat over that. It had a sort of lacy collar, and there was a silver necklace around her neck, the pendent of which, oddly, was the signature TurtleShroom "T". EthelShroom's head looked a bit big in comparison to her beak, and the fact that, instead of the ninja mask, she was wearing thin black spectacles, didn't help.
What really made him laugh, though, was that Ethelshroom's black hair was all tied up in a bun, and in the front, there wasn't much. Wispy strips of black hair made an attempt to cover what would constitute as her forehead. All of her hair was mostly concentrated near the back and where it wa stied up. Balding in females is rare, but poor Ethel had it. He couldn't help but laugh. EthelShroom also wore shiny black shoes and had a grey, floor-length shirt. She had premature wrinkles... a good bit of them.
Also on her head was a light, golden circlet with little crosses on it, a far cry from the migthy three-tiered behemoth TurtleShroom managed to balence on his head. The purple sash was present, too, it seemed.
Ethel's overall demeanor seemed far more humble than TurtleShroom. She didn't have that "I'M IN CHARGE OBEY ME" sort of look to her eyes, and she certainly didn't seem to be as much of a leader as her male version.
Ethel curtsied for Explorer and smiled.
"Hello Explorer." her voice sounded like an old hag, but with a sort of friendly tone to it. Or, really, it was more like her voice was that of a ninety year old, rather than whatever age Ethel really was. On the birght side, though, this voice would be horribly scary if she had to dicipline.
"Hey Ethel." Explorer replied. He immediately noticed that she didn't have the Deletion Rod.
"Ethel," Explorer asked, "Who is the keeper of the Rod of Jesse these days?"
Ethel was surprised.
"Explroer, the Rod isn't supposed to be known until there's a keeper."
"Well, since you're my friend, it's safe to tell. The Rod can only be wielded by one that is competent: a male."
Explorer looked confused.
"It's the twenty first century, Ethel, I think someone like you is pure enough to hold it."
"Oh gosh no. I'm just a woman, Explorer. I turned it down. It's buried with my father.
There was a pause.
"Heck, I even turned down the oppurtunity to rule the Wikee... that's a man's job. No, I just whacked them when they misbehaved. Stupid Tigressnose and her band of commies. I mean, it's one thing that she's a dirty commie, but the fact that she takes a leadership position REALLY Richard's my Cheney."
Explorer was surprised. Apparently, female TurtleShroom was raised in a sort of different setting than male TurtleShroom. He (incorrectly) viewed females as weaker and less competent than women, and never took the oppurtunity to take over the Clubb Phengin Weekee.
...wait... THAT MEANT...
"Ethel, where's Holyberden?"
Explorer was silent.
"What about the Inquisition?"
"Shh... that's not to be spoken of. Tommyshroom likes to work in secret."
Explorer sighed with relief.
"Though, he's not very good at it. I mean, he has the drive and the passion, but he's too busy stalking Danielle most of the time to censor anything. It's sort of creepy when a male does it."
Explorer was back to his nervousness again.
"Uhh.. then what about the Un-CP?"
EthelShroom's eyes widened. She pulled out a yardstick.
"WHAT ABOUT IT?!" she said, harshly.
"Nothing! Nothing!" Explorer said, looking at that ruler and having a strong urge to cover his rear.
"Those incompetent fools didn't do a thing about it. Now, it has five thousand entries AND a billboard at the gates!"
"Why didn't you stop it?"
Ethel rolled her eyes and gestured to herself.
"Female, Explorer, female."
"You really need to get out of the 1890s, Ethel."
"My opinion will not change, Explorer."
Explorer decided to leave. He'd have to check out the CPW later.