Sister Alkamesh

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The Cursed Sister Alkamesh O'Vian, RUN
Sister Alkamesh image.png
It's a good thing nuns don't marry.
Title Registered Nurse, Nun
Gender Female
Race Puffle
Faction She is in denial of her nun status.
Health She takes care of YOUR health. *gulp*
Level Registered Nurse
Status Doing something medical that probably involves needles.
Location Lichenblossom Isles
Birth date 1975
Occupation Medical nurse
Interests Inocculation
Friends Xble, Mabel, Icarius
Enemies Pathogens, fiscal welfare checks, Mayor McFlapp
Archetype Neutral

Sister Alkamesh is a nun registered nurse in the Lichenblossom Isles. She is in denial of her nun status. She is always mad and highly sadistic, which is not surprising, because she is related to Mabel. She, along with her fellow monk doctor, Brother Tortilla I, brings chaos and nervousness to the medical field and frequently disrupts daily life at Redlink Abbey.


Sister Alkamesh was born in the Lichenblossom Isles a few years before Mabel to Tars and Sarah O'vian. Before she was born, her parents consulted an astrologer on what she should be when she grows up. Basing his guess on the position of the planet Uranus, he told the puffle couple: "None". Alas, the parents thought he meant Nun. Homophones stink.

Upon birth, off she went to the nearest convent. In said nunnery, she learned things such as how to be friendly, loving, kind and caring, how to administer vaccines and make a patient feel happy in their hospital visits (CP nuns are like doctors but with more love). This was deemed absolutely nauseating to her!

Her final hours in the nunnery are logged:

Sister Alkamesh is in a room alone with the old, wise nun leader, Mother Thesa.

"Why do we have to be caring to our patients?!" Sister Alkamesh scowled. "Why not just fix them up and ship them off so we can bring the next flow of cash in?"

Mother Thesa was annoyed.

"Sister Alkamesh, for the aleph-null time, being kind and caring are what nuns do! Besides..." Thesa took out a chart. "Recent studies in Eastshield Hope Hospital suggest that patients who are treated with kindness and caring are twice as likely to heal faster, and are guaranteed to boast stronger immune systems for years to come!" Turning back to Alkamesh, the old penguin smiled warmly and concluded. "Happiness makes people heal faster, my child. We're in medicine to HEAL people. Besides, don't you know nuns work for charity? Sister, we're here to benefi-"

"CHARITY?! CHARITY?! I have to wear these rags AND work for ☤ ☤ charity?!"

"Sister Alkamesh, please calm down!" Mother Thesa was becoming upset and depressed. Her gentle disposition could only handle so much evil in one lifetime.


"Did you just say 'caduceus', Sister?"

"Yeah, you got a ☤ problem with that?"

Mother Thesa stood there in horror, stumbled back, and sat down.

"My child, it's just..." the old penguin held back crying. "I've never seen someone..." she turned to Alkamesh with a look that would put F to shame, "I've- I've... never seen so much evil in one creature's hear- *ACK*!"

Mother Thesa fell off the chair and to the ground, and there she lay. The other nuns, having heard the ACK, quickly rushed in to see what had happened. She had collapsed in an acute stress reaction. Her old body couldn't take all that evil. A nun called 9111 on the spot.

Another nun ran in with a Defibrillator.


ZAP! Nothing. Subsequent zappings managed to create a pulse, and by the time the ambulance was arrived, everyone was looking at Sister Alkamesh.

"What? I was just, um, talking to her and the old geezer fell! That's all!"

The other nuns didn't buy it. They sued her in the name of Mother Thesa, and in a landslide vote, Sister Alkamesh had her medical license revoked, her nun status removed, and lost all rights to live in Lichenblossom Isles.

Yet, she practices medicine in the Isles. How? Four words: "Family Friends in high places.". Director Benny bailed her out. He does that for family friends.

  • If you're wondering what happened to Mother Thesa, she lived (but now requires a wheelchair).


After the Thesa incident, Sister Alkamesh went into denial about her past, refusing to share it with anyone. She denies all claims to be a nun, to work with nuns, to do anything with nuns. None. None on nuns. Got it? Nun's the word.

However, once a nun, always a nun. No nun, none, can escape the fact that they are or were nuns. NONE. The title stays for life, so Sister Alkamesh has now become the subject of many jokes behind her back.


Sister Alkamesh now works at Redlink Abbey, scaring away all her patients, ranging from poor, young Chicks to the oldest of Abbey-geeks. She is feared by all at the Abbey, but is also the subject of many jokes, the most prestigious of which is a loud siren fixed in Cavernous Pit that blares whenever the Sister approaches.

Strangely, she was the umpire for the famous Wrong Patrol VS. Socka White baseball game at Redlink Abbey.

Once every month, the infamous nun puffle teaches a medical class at Zürich University.


  • I'd post more about how she is still a nun, but I would then receive a tranquilizer and fall asleep.
  • Sister Alkamesh is a rather loose parody of Sister Alkanet from the Redwall series.
  • She is a descendant of Mabel XVII.
  • Ticino, Swiss Ninja's pet black puffle, has a crush on her, regardless of her being nun evil.
  • She has a niece named Penelope O'vian, and a brother named Icarius.
  • Her father is afraid of her because she deals with needles a lot.
  • Chuck tends to hit her with his bat but it backfires.
    • I.E Tars screaming at him, a needle, the bat hitting Chuck.......Ect....

See also[edit]