Substitutiary Locomotion

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Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee
Part of Khanzem
Date August 13 20:00-August 14 2:45(AM) 1914
Location Pepperinge Eye, Ard Mhaca
Result Naughtzee Retreat out of Ard Mhaca
Miss Price, Mister Browne, Three Chicks, Various Moving Articles of Clothing Naughtzee Fusileers, Colonel Ard Mhaca Home Guard
Miss Price Colonel Captain Farelle
1005 150 100
None 150 Naughtzee Captured None

Substitutiary Locomotion is a true story, about the Khanzem. It takes place in the year Nineteen Fourteen, in what is now Freezeland.


It was a quiet and peaceful night in Pepperinge Eye, which is near modern day Carrenmoore. A High Penguin woman called Miss Price, equivalent to about fouty five regular Penguin years, was caretaking two war evacuees, who's Mother was sent to a concentrate camp, and Father was fighting in the Khanzem. It was after supper, the children were bathed and had their pygamas on.

Part One[edit]

During the night, a Naughtzee raiding party invades Miss Price's house. She and the chicks are taken to the village armoury and museum. Mister Browne, another High Penguin from the town who fancys Miss Price, discovers Naughtzee at the rail station, cutting telephone wires and engaging in other acts of sabotage. After foiling them, he returns to Miss Price's igloo. Finding it overrun, he breaks into the workshed and turns himself into a puffle, using an old High Penguin spell, to evade capture and follows the group to the castle.

At first, Miss Price's Substitutiary Locomotion spell does not work. She points at the pair of wellingtons she is trying to cast the spell on again.

"Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee!" She says in a plain, traditional voice.

"Nuffing 'append!" Said the youngest of the Chicks, just before his elder sister put her flipper over his beak.

"It's too old fashioned," Said Mister Browne "This is the twentieth century, after all."

"Well what do you suggest, Mister Browne?"

"Hmmm," Browne pondered. "Needs a tempo, rythym, music. As I always say, 'Do it with a flare'!"

He cleared his throat. "Alright, young ones! We need all the help we can get!" Browne practiced a rythym quietely, hinting them to humm, sing, or snap. They started a rythym of "Treguna Mekoides, Trecorum Satis Dee!"

Miss Price started to sing.

"Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee!
Substitutiary locomotion,
Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion.
It's a weird so feared, yet wonderful to see!
Substitutiary locomotion come to me."

Miss Price hinted the chicks to join in.

"Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee!
I don't want locomotiary substitution!
Or remote intrasitory convolution!
Only one precise solution is the key,
Substitutiary locomotion it must be!
Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee!"

Miss Price pointed to the yellow wellingtons and said the chant again. "Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee". The Yellow rain boots started to dance around the room like mad! Everyone joined in, Dancing with the Wellingtons and singing Miss Price's song. Even Miss Price's black puffle joined in, and thats rare!

The fun stopped when a knock at the door was heard. Miss Price looked startled, but glad at the same time.

All of Miss Price's other clothes entered, and started dancing around the room as well!

Miss Price just stared, startled. "Mister Browne, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"I haven't the foggiest." Browne said. "May I have this dance?" he said to one of the Nightgowns. Miss Price looked at Paul, the youngest chick, and said "Paul, what in the world are you doing?" A sunhat fell on Paul's head and he responded "'Avin a jolly good time, 'ats what!"

"Mister Browne, How will we clean up all this?" Miss Price yelled, trying to navigate her way through a walking closet.

"Oh, must we? Its all too fun! Oh well, Didn't I give you my cutoff-spell? Number eight."

He was tripped by Peter, the oldest chick, who was chasing his trousers.

A floating, single, glove tapped Browne on the shoulder.

"Buzz off! Go find your own dancing nightrobe!" Browne said to the glove. It probobly wasn't the best idea, because the glove punched his hard in the beak. High heeled boots kicked Paul in the face, and Niamh, the sister, was being held down to a cabinet by a blouse. The glove continued to beat up Mister Brown, Niamh ended up on a ceiling fan, Miss Price was scattering around looking for a spell, Peter was being chased by his trousers, and Paul was suffering from a boot on his head.

Miss Price found the cut off spell, and whispered it quietly. The clothes stopped prancing around, and everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"Good work, Miss Price. Now to stop the Naughtzees.."

Part Two[edit]

Miss Price turned to the suits of armour, royal fusileer outfits, redcoats, Trans-Antarctican Highlander outfits, and others. She pointed at them, and in a loud and clear voice, she said "Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee!". At first, nothing happened. Everyone was quit for a moment, and Miss Price looked as though she was going to cry. "Look." Said Niamh, pointing to flags, moving.

A drum began to play. "Thump! Thump!" Everyone turned their heads quickly in awe. Three Drums began to play, then a trumpet! A wide grin came across everyone's beaks. Knights face coverings moved down, and axes came off their stands. The Knights unsheated their swords. The drums and trumpet began to float and move near the door, followed by the Knights, then the Highlanders, then the guards. Mister Browne looked as if he would faint.

A Naughtzee soldier was posted at the door, guarding the armoury. He opened the door, only to be knocked out by a Knight.

The Naughtzee Colonel was at a temporary base, hidden in the brush of the countryside. He looked through his Spyers, and saw flags of each High Penguin province floating on top of the hill. He shook his Eye-Spyers, and wiped them off. But when he looked again, theere were Knights, Highlanders, Fusileers, and Guards there too. But something was odd, they had no penguins inside them!

The floating armoured soldiers moved to the top of the hill, where they stopped.

"Dies muss eine Art des Tricks sein!" Colonel said.

"Hübscher guter Trick, Herr!" Said a soldier next to him.

Colonel looked through his Eye-Spyers again, and saw the suits of armour marching to the crest of the hill. Trans-Antarctican Highlanders played bagpipes atop a cliff. Colonel was too busy watching them to realise is camp was surrounded by floating suits of armour.

A swift, flying figure appeared in the sky. It was Miss Price, riding a broom, with an Army helmet on, and a sword.

"It's a witch, Sir!" said Colonel's guard.

"Nonsense, there's no such thing as a witch!" Colonel retored

Miss Price flew overhead the leaders of the suits of armour. "Sound the advance!" she said. The trumpets blew again, the Highlanders played again, and the drums started to beat. Mister Browne and the chicks were crouched behind a stone wall. "Just in time for the kick off." Said Mister Browne, peering his head, he watched the Knights and suits of armour march down to the Naughtzee camp, while the Naughtzees were parylsed with fear.

"Don't just stand there, you noob faces, FIRE!" Colonel yelled at his troops.

"Steady on the left.." Warned Miss Price.

"Victory for Ard Mhaca, and for Saint Finwë!" She yelled, zooming over the front line.

"'Ere's a good show, Paul!" Peter geered to Paul.

"Pikemen, watch your flank!" Miss Price warned again, as they chanted "Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee!". They suits of Armour got closer, the Naughtzee soldiers began to load their weapons. The suits of armour were only about twenty metres away, and the Naughtzee soldiers were in shock. "FIRE!!!" Colonel yelled, just in time.

The bullets just went straight through the Metal armour, and the suits marched on. Only fifteen metres away now. The Soldiers kept firing, but even when they shot them head on, they just kept marching. One knight took his helmet off, and dumped the bullet shells out of it.

The chicks peered their heads up from behind the wall. "Blimey!" Peter said.

The knights were only ten metres away."RUN!!!" Colonel yelled. His soldiers weren't hesitant about retreating at all. The fell back about a a quarter of a kilometre, and then regained a position. They fired and fired again, but the suits of armour were still charging.

The Knights had caught up to the Naughtzee. Victory was imminent. One knight took off his leg, hopped up to a soldier, and started beating him about the head with it. An inquisitive Naughtzee soldier looked inside of one, investigating it. He took the top half off, looked inside of it, and then the legs kicked him in the bum, and knocked him down.

A brave soldier thought he could take them. He closed his eyes, got out his weapon, and started shooting. He shot one through the head many times, but it shot the shells back out at him and hit his helmet. The soldier tried to lunge at him with his rifle, but he just floated apart wherever he tried to hit him.

A smart soldier threw a stink grenade at the oncoming cavalry. It blew up about five knights. For about five seconds. They re-assembled themselves, and charged at him again. A volley of arrows pinned him to a tree.

"Good work lads!" Miss price encouraged, still flying overhead.

One of the knights heads was knocked off, but Mister Browne caught it and threw it back. The knight caught it, and knocked out the soldier out. "Well caught sir!" said Browne, clapping.

"Mister Browne, make those chicks take cover this instant!" Miss Price nagged, being shot at heavily. The automatic that was shooting at her stopped when a Knight with an axe chopped it in half. He threw it at a few soldiers nearby.

Now, all the Naughtzee were retreating, with the exception of Colonel, who thought this was a dream anyways. The same bulky knight with the axe that chopped the automatic stood by him, and he ran for his life.

Everywhere, soldiers were running for their lives. Swords and pikes were tripping them, bows were pinning them to the trees, and bulky axemen chased them out. One unlucky soldier mentioned earlier had a pike through his trousers, and was being kicked in the bum by the knight he tried to investigate.

Another soldier was trapped inside a suit of armour, not controlling his arms or legs.

The mouth of the Jadis wasn't far, the Naughtzee were almost clear.

Part Three[edit]

The Naughtzee were gathered by Miss Price's Igloo. Miss Price hovered above. "Are you still there, Colonel? I thought you would be on your way by now?" She said. "That is the witch, sir!" Said his guard.

"I said there was no such thing as witches." Colonel protested.

"You see, things may not seem so easy for you after all, Colonel.

Colonel started yelling in Khanz at his soldiers, and they rushed. One fumbled on a red contraption that Miss Price wasn't sure what was. He flipped a switch, and the Naughtzee jumped over a stone wall.

"Goodbye, Colonel!" Miss Price said cockily.

The package exploded. It was a prototype Pizza Bomb. Toppings flew everywhere. Miss Price flew off her broom, and landed safely in an O'Berry bush. The Knights began to deflate, the trumpets stopped playing, and the flags didnt blow themselves.

The Chicks and Mister Browne rushed to the brush where Miss Price landed. She had a spraigned flipper and messy hair, but was otherwise alright. "Miss Price!" Niamh said "We'd thought they'd damaged you!" "See," Peter said "No one can 'urt Miss Price!".

Meanwhile, at the mouth of the River Jadis, an infantry patrol had spotted the Naughtzee. "Firing positions lads!" The Captain said. The sound of flying Snowballs was heard a few kilometres away.

Mister Browne heard the fighting, and gave a grin. Peter and Niamh helped Miss Price up, and helped her walk home. Paul was proudly waving the High Penguin Confederacy Flag.

"It's dreadful. All your spells and posessions Miss Price, gone." Browne remarked on the ghastly ruins.

"Still, I was able to perform some small service first."

The Home Guard supplied Miss Price with an entirely new home. Safe, behind the walls of Mhic Lionnai. A few weeks later, Mister Browne decided to join the home guard.

"So, ya think your doin' the right thing, joinin' the army?" Peter said.

"Oh, why yes. It's much too dangerous being a civillian these days." Browne laughed.

"Take care o' yourself guv'." Peter said.

"Don't worry lad. I'll be back before you've grown an inch taller."

"Sounds like you have an escort to the station" Niamh said.

"Well, Cheerio. We'll meet again."

Browne walked out the door, and flung his kitbag on his shoulder. He gave Miss Price a kiss, and hugged the young ones. He marched into line with the other infantrymen, and waved goodbye. The soldiers marched off, singing a war tune.

"Call out the Navy, call out the ranks,
call out the Air Force, call out the tanks!
From the cliffs of Mammoth, call out the Gauls;
and don't forget the loyal territorials!
But, who's digging in here? Who will defend
ev'ry inch of Ard Mhaca, no matter what they send?
Who's standing firm in their own front yard?
The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who!
The soldiers of the old Home Guard!
For we wrote the story of the old brigade;
we know the glory of yesterday's parades!
Who's standing firm in their own front yard?
The soldiers of the old Home Guard, that's who!
The soldiers of the old Home Guard!

They’re sailing for Ard Mhaca: Oh! What a shame!
Someone is after our land again
We’ll let them have it… Oh, yes we will!
But maybe they won’t want it when they get the bill!
For we wrote the stories of the old brigade;
We know the glory of yesterday’s parades
We’ll sell them Ard Mhahca, yard by yard
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard! That's who..
The soldiers of the Old Home Guard!"

The End.

Spell Usage in Great Darktonian Pie War[edit]

The spell debuted again in the Great Darktonian Pie War, where it was used to make various articles of clothing from the South Pole City Museum of Antarctic History and the Giant Pen come alive. The spell worked with devastating effect and was a major contribution to the Good Guys' victory.

See Also[edit]

High Penguins