The 9001 Steps

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The 9001 Steps (to the Helmet of True Existence)
Would you like to continue waddling, or no?
Well, this is the map for it. It's the same all the way down until the bottom of it!
Key details
Level If you mean by measuring, it's 1000,000,000 feet down. If you mean the actual level, we don't know.
Location Somewhere in Trans-Antarctica.
Inhabitants The fanged, large puffle (guard) of the Helmet of True Existence.

The 9001 Steps are a bunch of steps, 9001 total, in Trans-Antarctica that lead down to the Helmet of True Existence's caverns. No penguin, after the team of 5,000 brave penguins, has ever tried going down there and getting it, as it is obviously an immense task to do. Once you go in, you would waste hours going down, and you couldn't dare go back up either because you would waste even more hours climbing back up. It is covered in a lot of dust, and it is a good tourist attraction. Contrary to the fact that some believe that going down is a complete waste of time, other penguins think it's a fun thing to do on an autumn's day. This lets the locals earn a lot of money, as many penguins sometimes have to buy the walkie-talkies and medieval lances and shields that are included on the journey down.

Nobody really know why the steps were carved in the first place, or if the Helmet of True Existence is even real. Only speculation as to why remains, as the Vikings who carved it would have spent many a day and night carving it.


They were carved by devoted Viking Penguins who wanted to keep the Helmet of True Existence safe during the famine in case they were completely wiped out. It spent years of rocks, blunt knives and sleepless nights, when it was complete. Ironically, they didn't need the stairs anymore because they now owned Danland, a long-gone vast empire of Viking Penguins. The carvers forgot to send troops of Vikings to return the Helmet of True Existence, and eventually went to a nicer place in Danland, and the staircase was left to mould. In 1555, a prince from Danland (and his companions, ten thousand soldiers) discovered the staircase, and ordered 5,000 to go down there to see what was there. After 2 weeks, only 5 exhausted penguins returned and said that there was a beautiful helmet, but it was guarded by a large, fanged puffle, and the 5,006 penguins went back on their journey.

In 1754, the staircase was re-discovered under a pile of earth, ice and rocks by a penguin called Zir Willions. It was immediately investigated by experts and was discovered that Viking penguins created it by the style of the carving. Soon enough, they sent a team of brave penguins to go down the stairs, who were never heard of again. This caused the experts, after a thorough search of the first 1,000 feet down using a sound-sensitive microphone, to soon abandon the project of seeing what was at the bottom.

A hundred years later, a penguin got the idea to throw Mwa Mwa Penguins down the pit to starve them. It instantly began a craze of finding a Mwa-Mwa and throwing them in the staircase. This spread to 2 cities and 3 villiages, until the Mwa-Mwa penguins became extinct in the land. Due to this, more penguins left their homeland to search for more Mwa-Mwas to continue their hobby. 2 years later, the craze died out, leaving the steps to be forgotten once more.

In 2000, historians fascinated about the Great Mwa-Mwa Extinction went to the Danish countryside, went off-course their original destination and one of the scholars (literally) stumbled across the set of stairs, leading them to be re-investigated by both the scholars, including scientists, once more. Five years later, a wannabe tour guide named Sam suddenly had an idea to make the staircase explode with tourists from all over the world, by making a marketing deal with the scholars for making adverts to raise money to investigate the staircase. The experts, knowing that a hundred thousand coins per year were not enough for proper research, agreed, and the adverts began to spread. Soon, it became a popular tourist destination and weekly volunteers to fetch the helmet were always chosen. Eventually, Sam, the boss of the entire enterprise, promoted himself to become both Boss & Tour Guide Sam to help the volunteers go down the first 50 feet. It is currently still grossing 400,000 coins per day, thanks to refreshments and payment to the tour guide(s) to see the land or go down the staircase.

List of Noted Penguins Who Went Down[edit]

Don't feel shy, add some more here!

  • 5,000 brave soliders.
Notably -
  • Henree Haouse
  • Agrea tbegb Irde
  • Lessr Shpatted Pinguoin
  • Tour Guide Sam - Tour Guide, to help the tourist go down the first 50 feet. Has descended approximately 9001 times.
  • Henry Harry Hakajhshaga - First tourist to go down in 2010. Was an ordinary shopkeeper, and after choosing to go further than 100 feet, was never seen again.
  • Lehmon Ahple Rosemerry - Gardener, friends with Minht Cherrhy Chocholayte, who also came down with him. They were reported by tourists who went down an hour and returned later that they were still going down, and were as cheery as ever.
  • Minht Cherrhy Chocholayte - Exotic-plant Grower. See above.
  • Dhenthal Flosse Teuthphaste - Dentist. Opted to go with a few other tourists, in case they got toothache.
  • Kandalabhra Chalendeer Lhamp - An avid fan of lamps. Friends with Mycardboared Boxsesh.
  • Cohm "Pew" Terh - Computer Coder & Designer. Went with the secretary.
  • Teype Worieter - Secretary. Went with the boss.
  • Suwety Mayonayse Hotsauyse - Mayonnaise liker. Friends with Jahmjah Thatis Sethru.
  • Exteyme Phenguine (not to be confused with X-Treme Penguin) - Wannabe Extreme Penguin. Rumour has it that, because of his wannabe extremism, he managed to get to the end safely, and is wearing the Helmet while sitting on a makeshift throne guarded by the giant puffle he reportedly befriended.
  • Whata Lovaley Bhook - Bookworm. Being an extreme coward, he ran back up as fast as he could after managing to go down 51 feet.
  • Mycardbored Boxsesh - Admirer of Cardboard Boxes. Friends with Kandalabhra Chalendeer Lhamp.
  • Jahmjah Thatis Sethru - Lover of Jam Jars. Friends with Suwety Mayonayse Hotsauyse.


To get there, the penguin has to drive one mile to the north of Newton Town, and as soon as they find a sign that says "THE 9001 STEPS" they know that they have arrived. They can then park their car in the car-park (or bus stop, depending on how the penguin arrived there), and after buying tickets from the ticket-collector, the penguin then enters the park-like area. The penguin will then be met by the brother of Tour Guide Sam, and will be led into the main grounds. The penguin can help themselves to a lunch or a quick snack, and will then go to the "Tour Booth" to meet Tour Guide Sam, who will give the penguin useful information and a small booklet about the place. The tourist will then get a choice whether they would like to go down, and if the penguin says "No", they can roam about the grounds and go to the mini-zoo. If they say "Yes", however, the penguin (and the other penguins wanting to do so) will be told to return at 3 PM, so they can be guided down the steps. When the penguin goes back at that time, the tour guide will help and tour the penguins down the steps. However, he always tours the first fifty feet, and it will then be up to the other penguins to decide to go down and retrieve the Helmet of True Existence or not. This is then hinted by the tour guide saying "Would you like to continue waddling, or no?", and the penguins brave enough to go down to find the Helmet of True Existence can go down with walkie-talkies, medieval shields and lances, food and water supplies, torches, a packet of 150 spare batteries and a puffle guardian.


  • They parody the 9000 Steps in "Bionicle".
  • Nobody has ever made it to the end of the steps to retrieve the helmet. However, many penguins (discounting the tour guide), sometimes looking haggard and always badly injured, have been reported to come back from the bottom... without the helmet. It sounds frightening!
  • Some penguins call it "The Three-Hundred and Ninety Steps".
  • Wiki the Cat says that this proves his conspiracy theories of the "Fourth-Wall typewriters". By that, he probably means that the controllers of the typewriters located near the "Fourth Wall" made this as a test, and finding that their powers worked alright, eventually became the governors of the universe.