The Escape

From Club Penguin Fanon Wiki
Jump to: navigation, search
The Escape
Story information
Genre Adventure, Comedy
Form Novel
Protagonist Austin8310, Rex, XTUX, Johnathan, Java, five ERC Troopers, Team Stealem
Deuteragonist General Terkin, Small-Fins McKlowsky
Antagonist UTR's government, prison gaurds, ect.

Chapter One: The Facility[edit]

The Facility-UTR-March 10, 2011

General Terkin was shoved forward, surrounded by fifteen guards. His iron hook (a replacement for a flipper he lost in battle) had been blunted, and he was in handcuffs, chains, and a prisoner's robe. Yet, the guards were still a bit paranoid.

Shall General Terkin be introduced?
General Terkin is a Snoss General. One of the meanest, smartest, and best. He was the only one to know the code for the last wave of nuke codes.

The problem? He was captured, and sentenced to Deletion Row in a mere 3 days. The USA had captured him in a pitched battle near the Heptagon, and right after he had ordered a carpet bombing on SPC.

Anyway, he was here now, being shoved past by some burly guards. The iron doors shut behind him. Twelve gates: The first one shut...Then the second one.... The third one... Fourth one... If somebody made it past this, he would be amazed. One of the guards mocked him.

"We have things in here which the Snoss have never seen!"

General Terkin gave him a look in the eye.

"We have things that nobody has seen. If you would like to pointlessly banter with me, please do it when I'm unchained so I can slit your stupid throat. It's more than you deserve."

The guard was unnerved, and he moved back to the end of the line. They passed the eighth gate. Then the ninth. Then ten and eleven. Finally, the last gate closed behind him.

"Has he been checked for bugs and microphones?"

"Yep. He's got no weapons except for that dull hook."

Slowly, the guards went through layers of tunnels, searching for his jail cell.

"Here's your residence."

They kicked Terkin into the cell, and left.

Despite the horrible situation, Terkin just relaxed against the wall. The Snoss would come. They couldn't afford to lose that code. Plus, he could probably just break out with a bit of help. Perhaps.

The Shock Team[edit]

SN ran through the hallway, leapt onto the pool table, and jumped at the door at full force. The iron doors opened, slamming the walls.

Austin and Rex, who were making battle plans looked up.

"Wow. Something's gone wrong, correct?"


"Well, that's too bad. He was a good general."


All the bounty hunters turned around, stunned.

"The last nuke code?!?"

"So if he dies, we've just got a bunch of rusting rockets with no purpose?"

SN nodded glumly.

"They've put him in The Facility. Worst prison in Antarctica. Terranean. Twelve gates, hundreds of passages, guards, security measures, the whole lot."

Austin wasn't very happy about this new assignment.

"Let me guess. We break him out."

"Wow, you're good at that."

SN slid a hologram onto the smooth table, and it popped up, revealing a three story fortress.

"We've got to break into that. And this map is outdated."

"So, you're telling me that any plan we make will probably be thwarted?"

SN nodded again.

"Also, REX, you haven't been doing much. If you want to stay with us, do some work for once."

Rex looked in indignation (or at least, he would of had his helmet not been on) and seemed offended.

Austin started plotting.

"Okay, we'll need two Team Stealem members... They're helpful. XTUX, Rex, Johnathan, and Java. And about 5 ERC Troopers. Vincent, you stay home and guard Benard. Sorry. Next time, Rex is on guard duty."

SN nodded.... AGAIN.

"I can supply all those. Since this is such a quick thing, use a supersonic jet. AVOID USA AIRSPACE. We don't want 10 MEAPS after you guys.

Austin leapt up, grabbed his gun, and ran to the phone.

Several Hours Later[edit]

A black jet cut across the large clouds, smashing aside the wisps of mist as it passed. In it were Austin, Java, Johnathan, XTUX, Jeff and Norm (Team Stealem men), and 5 ERC Troopers. Austin paced the area of the jet.

"Well. Hmm. There's gotta be some easier way in."

"Nope. According to the hologram, the only plausible way in is through the main gate. The Pipe System is guarded heavily at all exits, and there's nowhere you can even slice through to the jail." said Rex.

Angrily, Austin pounded his fish on the table, making the hologram leap upwards, and sat down in the chair, trying to calm down. This chair made him happy. It was a real chair. Not a stupid old chair with a spring. That was a nightmarish ride.

Suddenly, a red light blinked from the cabin, where Johnathan was flying it.

"Something bad happened. I might have just cut across over an airport."

The radio fizzed.

"Come in. Identify."

Austin ran forward to the pilot compartment, and grabbed the wheel.

"This is the EPF, on a secret mission."

"That doesn't sound...very EPF. Since when did they hire Khanz?" said the radio. Austin angrily smashed the radio, and started accelerating. Behind them, four helicopters flew upwards, shooting various types of missiles on them. Austin turned to Rex.

"Rex! Missiles! Can you identify any?"

"Yeah. One seems to be deletion- they have permission to kill -one is a glue missile, probably to bog us down, and that one is filled with Ditto."

Austin cursed in Pengolian.

He grabbed the steering wheel and did a barrel roll. Rex, the only one who was unbuckled got smashed against the roof of the plane. The plane flew erratically, trying to dodge the missiles.

"Heat reading. CRUD."

He wheeled around again. Rex, who was still bouncing off the walls of the plane managed to grab onto the steering controls of the turret.

Austin yelled to him.


One gun started firing small deletion missiles.

".... That's it, isn't it."

The Glue Missile struck the plane. Suddenly, tons of fast forming yellow blotched formed on the plane. The screen started blaring red.

Losing Altitude

Austin grabbed the thing in the accelerator and nearly missed the deletion missile. Suddenly, the Ditto Missile exploded. Not from hitting them, luckily. Rex had finally hit it.

"Austin, I'm out of ammo here. Got any more clips?"

Austin angrily put the plane into a dive. The G-force flung everyone into their seat (except for Rex, who it smacked back into the end of the plane, and who was now regretting his lack of seat belt).

"Hey! We lost the deletion missile. It's not following us. It's... RIGHT ABOVE US!"

The deletion missile hit, and the whole roof of the plane fizzed and disappeared. Rex was hurled out of the plane.


Java looked nervous.

"Err... They flew out with the roof."

Austin ran and grabbed a parachute. Java took off out of the plane with his jet pack, and Johnathan leapt on with him. The five ERC Troopers had jet packs, and Austin hitched a ride with one of them. The Team Stealem members then leapt on, right as the plane plummeted down towards the sea between UTR and the USA. XTUX blasted off also.

Austin sighed.

"Well, there goes the hologram, and some of our equipment."

Suddenly, Rex appeared. His rocket boosters hovered nearby.

"I'M. NEVER. DOING. THAT. AGAIN. These rockets are only meant for about 10 minute use, so let's hit it!"

They flew down to UTR, and landed well.

Well, they tried. Austin weighed down the jetpack too much, and they crashed into a freezing cold river. Java and Johnathan unluckily landed there also.

Chapter Two: An Unfriendly Reception[edit]

Austin, upon landing, looked around immediately.

"Quick! UTR Troops are going to come investigate. Planes don't crash every day."

They all started running, except for the PKMN-Jitsu trainers, who were complaining about how "this wasn't included in the description". Johnathan shut them up pretty quickly, but they lagged behind.

"Hurry, will you? We need to make it to the nearest city, rent a taxi, somehow convince them that we're tourists, and we enter the prison."

Rex groaned.

"And how are you going to pass ME off as a civilian?"

"Luck, excuses, and preferably more luck."

Rex was not amused.

"I thought you had a PLAN! You're the leader."

Austin didn't reply.

"Great. When Austin's silent, he has no plan."

Austin whirled around on Rex and yelled at him.


Ironically, Rex cowered, and backed away. After that, the rest of the trip was silent. And uneventful. Finally, at about 6 PM they arrived at a town.

"Okay. Johnathan, you and I look the most like civilians. XTUX, here. Have these leather pants and this tie-dye shirt. It was the only thing I could find in the laundry."

"Oh boy. Tie-die."

Austin grabbed some Star Journey suits out of his backpack.

"We're going to a "science convention", okay? RDA Troopers wear this. And Rex can go as himself. Anyway, I'll call the taxi.

Several taxi guys passed, ignoring them. Austin was growing infuriated again.

Finally, one stopped. Everyone piled into the van.

"And where may you all be going?" said the bus driver.

"The Star Journey convention."

"There's no convention until ten days."

"Err....we're here for tourism."

"But you're wearing the costumes a bit early, aren't you?"

Austin pulled a small stack of coins from his player card.

"Take them and shaddup, okay? Anyway, we're going to the prison."

The taxi driver took the coins, shut up, and drove to the Facility. Austin and troops quickly headed for the jail. The Taxi Driver phoned Administrator Kai.

"Sir Kai. I've delivered a truck of suspicious individuals to the Facility. Get your troops ready-I think these are the guys."

The Twelve Gates[edit]

Austin and everyone else crept into the prison. There were a lot of tourists there, around the lobby. Right now, the gates were open. They had to get through. Problem was, according to the hologram, there was a weapons scanner on the first gate. If that was triggered, all of them would close. And, there were two balconies above, carrying UTR elite troopers. Their plan was to freeze the bolts on some of the gates, have Rex keep one up, and blast through a few others.

"Okay. This will be quick. Get next to the gate. I'm going to knock the guy who runs the scanner out. He won't be able to trigger the gates to close immediately, and it'll buy us a gate or two. The techies will notice us running through, they'll close them. Got it?"

Austin walked over to the security man.


The security man slumped against the floor.


Everyone bolted towards the gates. They passed the first gate. Suddenly, the troopers noticed and activated the gate closing.

Everyone got to the second gate, and slid under it.

When they got to the third gate (which was almost closed), Rex grabbed it and lifted the whole gate upwards.

"GO! NOW!"

Everyone bolted through. Bullets, deletion rays, ditto, and Snowzer cheese were flying at them from every angle. ERC Trooper 4 was hit by ditto, and he fell over frozen. They got to gate 4, which was closed. Austin ran up to it with a welder, burnt through it, and kicked open a hole. Rex was hit several times with deletion rays, but only parts of his armor were deleted.

Once they got to Gate 5, one of Team Stealem grabbed out a card and threw it expertly at the steel door. The whole door melted instantly.

Everyone ran, and activated their jet packs to avoid the molten metal. By this time, the UTR Troopers were starting to come down on zip-lines. ERC Trooper 2 was blasted into a wall with Snowzer Cheese.

Austin charged at the sixth door with the welder. He smashed into it, welded a circle, and ran through. He got hit in the arm with a Ditto Snowball. It froze up, leaving the welder attached to his hand.


They were at the seventh door now. Johnathan's gun had been blasted in half, and Rex was literally COVERED in various missiles.

Johnathan grabbed a chunk of Snowzer Cheese, licked it, and hurled it at the door. The door buckled and fell outwards.

They charged towards the eighth door. Rex called to Austin.

"Look, my armor isn't going to last any longer! Leave me! I'll fight them off!"

Austin nodded and grabbed an RDA Saber. Rex dived into the UTR Troopers, slashing and hacking like a berserk. Johnathan and Java put a few missiles in to help, and also the ERC Troopers did. Meanwhile, Austin had finally cut through the eighth gate, and they dived through it.


Austin, Johnathan, and Java all threw cables with hooks up to the top of the gate. Austin and Johnathan hooked on, and they ran up the gate. Meanwhile, the Team Stealem grunts were proving to be pretty good. They managed to freeze a couple, but Jeff got shot in the flipper with a lead bullet. He dropped the cards he was holding and screeched. Meanwhile, XTUX and the three RDA Troopers were also fighting the UTR Troopers. The problem was, there were tons of UTR Troopers.

Austin and Johnathan reached the top of the gate, slashed its hinges, and it fell outward with a kick from Austin. It landed with a resounding crash, and XTUX, the PKMN-Jitsu trainers, and the three ERC Troopers ran through.

They approached the tenth gate. XTUX angrily charged into it, activating his boosters and charging at it full force.

Despite the gate being made so that a polar bear could bash through, it wasn't XTUX proof. It crumpled, and XTUX fell to the ground with it.

A guy with a flamethrower charged XTUX, and sprayed him.

XTUX suddenly felt like a liar.... Because his pants were on fire.

"Don't... Feel... So good..." he said, as sparks of electricity popped and snapped nearby.

Austin grabbed XTUX, hurled him over his shoulder, and ran towards the eleventh gate. Johnathan and the RDA Troopers were sagging behind. ERC Trooper 3 fell over, frozen.


Norm flung several fire cards at it. It exploded, and metal chunks flew everywhere. Norm was hit in the head, and bowled over. The RDA Troopers' armor protected them, but Austin didn't have that.

They all charged at the final gate. Java activated his jet pack, took it off, and aimed it at the hinges of the last gate. It flew towards it, spinning, and crashed into it. The gate's hinges exploded, and the final gate fell backwards. Everyone ran through, bullets and other projectiles whizzing behind them.

"SPLIT! XTUX and the Jeff! You go left! Everyone else go right!"

The two parties dashed down the corridors. Jeff, practically carrying XTUX, saw a heating vent. He kicked it open, pushed XTUX through, and jumped in.

Meanwhile, Austin, Norm, Johnathan, Java, and ERC Troopers 1 and 4 kept running down the corridor. They were exhausted.

Austin grabbed some Snowzer cheese and was about to throw it, when Norm threw an ice card. A giant wall of ice sprung up, separating them from their pursuers.

"Phew. That'll hold them for a while."

Austin thought for a second.

"If I can remember correctly, the hologram said that the general was down about 15 corridors. Hmm. We can't go through the heating system. Too small. Maybe we can just make our way down the, the Terrains know these better than us. We'll be trapped. Water supply? No. Septic plumbing? Absolutely not!"

Johnathan walked over to him.

"Listen. How about we go into the lower levels, like staff, janitorial, and maintenance?"

Austin pried the frozen welder gun off his left flipper.

"Sure. Why not?"

To reinforce his point, the ice started melting.

"Flamethrowers. Down! Now!"

He welded through the floor. Everyone grabbed descension cables, and slid down to the bottom floor.

Austin looked around.

"Drat. A camera. Is that... Gasoline? I smell gasoline."

Johnathan shrugged.

"Yeah, I do too. Anyway, why don't we just shoot the camera? Oh.... We're in a room filled with gasoline tanks."

Austin thought for a bit.

"Well, we've got to knock out that camera. Otherwise, we can't get past this room."

Then he had an idea. Rummaging around in his inventory, he pulled out the Freeze Ray he had gotten in The Absurd Mission.

"This ought to do the trick."

He shot it, and a wave of ice encased the camera.

At the Overview Booth

A Terrean techie slapped the screen.

"Danged camera just turned white! I told you we needed to replace that one."

Austin sighed. Everyone ran into the next room. It was a corridor with nothing in it. The RDA Troopers started walking forward when Austin grabbed them.

"Stop. It's not an empty room. Give me your helmet."

ERC Trooper 4 pulled off his helmet and handed it to Austin. Austin shoved it on and started flicking through the settings.

"Ack! Technology! How the heck do you live with this?!?"

He finally flicked over to the one he wanted.

"Thought so. This passage is COVERED with infrared lasers. We can't break the connection."

Austin thought for a second.

Johnathan suddenly had a brilliant idea.

"Hey! My sniper rifle has a laser sight on the end!"

Austin was confused.

"So... That means...."

Johnathan aimed his gun at the hole to which the infrared laser landed in. The laser was in it.

"There. You can go across that one. It won't break the connection, due to the laser sight."

Everyone ran past, and stopped when Austin did. Johnathan moved his laser onto every one of them, until everyone had reached the end of the corridor. Austin rolled an RDA helmet across the floor of the corridor, and it stopped at Johnathan's flippers. He picked it up, put it on, and navigated through.

"Good. As you can see, this place is full of traps. We're meeting up at...crud, I lost the hologram. I think the top floor. Anyway, we have to make our way farther through, to the maximum security cells. Then we break him out, and get to the roof. As for XTUX and Jeff, they should just head up to the roof."

Chapter Three: In Which XTUX Sucks at PKMN-Jitsu[edit]

XTUX and Jeff were crawling through the heating vent. Jeff was a thin adelie, and XTUX was somewhat close to that, so they were able to crawl through the pipes. Jeff grabbed the map with his good hand, hauling XTUX through the vent with a rope he had tied. Hmmm. He could either try to make it to the maximum security, his forces were too small. He should meet with them at the top. Quickly, he shoved XTUX through a couple more vents. Then the pipe started getting small. He kicked a section out and leapt out. He landed well, XTUX did not.

He paused and looked around. He was in a corridor. Just cells here. These ones had a couple Painful Bears. Stupid, ugly brutes which happened to have enough strength to knock your head off. And on the other side of the corridor was a locked gate. Drat. The next room had the stairs.


He suddenly had an idea. He flicked one of his cards at the-ouch! That hurt! He gingerly brought back his hand. It was slightly bleeding. Ah, lead bullets. Not allowed to kill, due to the laws of the universe, but definetly freakin' painful. Hmm. He shook XTUX. He was.... Fizzing.... And sparking. XTUX turned his head.

"Do you.... Have.... Batteriesssss....."

Jeff pulled out an MP3 Player and took out the batteries, and gave it to XTUX. Instantly, he absorbed all the power from the battery, and stood up. His wounds started healing.

"How do you... Do that?!?"

"I'm a cyborg."


"Robot-penguin. If I take the time to explain, we'll be here for hours. How do we get through that gate?"

"Well, I was going to cut open that cage to let the Painful Bear out, then to smash the gate with it. We get added choas."

"And you didn't cut it open because.... You should have done it, fool!" said XTUX, as his darker side started to take control.

"My hand's shot. Can't do much with it."

XTUX rolled his eyes, aimed his flipper at the hinge and clicked.

Click. Click. Click-click. Click-click-click-click.

"Dang, it's out of ammo!"

"Your flipper is out of ammo?"

XTUX had a great idea. Or, well, he thought he did.

"How about you give me a card that can cut through the gate!"

"Err... Are you a certified Ninja? PKMN-Jitsu is a lot like Card Jitsu, only MUCH MUCH HARDER. You have to be a ninja, then there's the further licensing, and don't forget that there's sixteen types of cards, with four moves each, come into play, and there then are hundreds of each type, and the-"

XTUX tried to hide his incompetence. He was a white belt, and he sucked at Card Jitsu. Bad. He speedily interrupted Jeff.

"YEAH, I think I can handle it."

He grabbed the fire card Jeff was holding and flung it. Badly. It flew up into the air, spinning this way and that, and then landed on him.

"What happens when I do... (sniffs) .... I'm burning again, aren't I."

XTUX ran over to a large pool of water and dove in.

He flew back above, with a mullet attached to his rear.

"@#$#[email protected]#$%^&*!$&(*&^%$#@!~`$^#@^$! MULLET POOL!"

Then, he fell back into the pool, and then he was up again! This time with three mullets on him!

"DIE! DIE!" XTUX yelled, as his flipper-gun pointlessly clicked.

Then he went back underwater, and there was a huge explosion.


XTUX emerged, dripping water and covered in painful red marks.

"Ha, you can't pierce... Iron... Got more batteries? I've got a fever and the only cure is MORE BATTERIEZ."

Jeff shrugged.


XTUX grabbed the fire card again, and loaded it into his gun. Jeff looked shocked.

"That's not gonna work!"

XTUX shot it, and it whizzed towards the cage, and a firey blast exploded the hinge. The cage door fell open. Two Painful Bears ran out. One started pounding on the gate like they had thought... But the other one charged them.


Luckily, the Painful Bear was more interested in escape than food, and it lumbered off and bashed open the gate. XTUX and Jeff ran in after it. The room had 10 UTR Troopers, but they were focused on shooting down the Painful Bears (which were like giants), and didn't notice XTUX and Jeff run up. There was a locked door, but another heating vent.


Jeff handed him a card with a plant, and XTUX... Threw it. It fell back on him, and surrounded him in vines.


Jeff grabbed XTUX's knife, and slashed through the vines. He threw the card with his left flipper, but it weakly hit the vent and made a weak looking vine.

"Ow. I've done better."

Jeff quickly climbed the vine, and XTUX blasted off with the rockets in his flippers. The UTR Troopers had dealt with the Painful Bears, and flipped around and started firing. Jeff was hit in the back with a ditto snowball, and he started to freeze. Dang. 50 seconds of lost time. XTUX started dragging Jeff through the vent (irony), and they approached what appeared to be a barracks. The stairs were on the other side of the room... But the barracks was filled with soldiers. XTUX studied the map. They had to make it through there.

XTUX waited until Jeff unfroze, and then loaded a grappling cable into his arm-cannon. He shot it, and it made a weak whistling noise as it whipped past a window and struck the wall.


He attacked himself to the cable, pulled out his two assassin's knives, and started crawling upside down on the ceiling. Jeff nervously hung onto his back.

It would have gone perfectly if everything went as planned, but it just happened that in that moment, one of the UTR Troopers tripped, sending his coffee cup flying into the air. It hit Jeff, and splashed all over him. Jeff flinched, and he fell off of XTUX's back and fell 20 feet, and hit the ground with a nasty crack.

"Hey! This guy fell from above! He's one of the guys who broke in!"

They all looked up, and saw XTUX on the roof. Suddenly, Jeff shuddered and jerked.

"Sir, that one that fell is experiencing cardiac arrest. Or heart attack. We have a defilibrator... But..."

The commander yelled to XTUX.

"Listen here! You both surrender, and he gets the defilibrator. You fight, he dies."

XTUX dropped down, and threw his knife at the commander. He dodged it.

"So he dies? You're one evil guy. You belong in these cells."

XTUX smirked at the commander.

"No, because I can do THIS!"

He touched the area near Jeff's heart, and shocked him with some of his electricity. It had the exact same effect as a defilibrator. Jeff stopped jerking, and then groaned. Jeff's right flipper was broken.

The troopers were amazed.

"H-how the heck did he do that?"

XTUX grabbed Jeff, and blasted off, smashed through the other side of the heating vent, and flew through the pipe system until he got to a large, empty hallway, where he set Jeff down.

"You okay?"

Jeff moaned.

"Not really. There's no way I can do any attacks at-AUGH! all. Do you know how to perform a splint?"

XTUX paced back and forth, thinking.

"No. I wish an ERC Trooper was here. He would be really helpful... Those guys are the best medics I know of."

Suddenly, XTUX thought about something. He checked the map.

"That's it! We're in the POW section! Brilliant!"

He ran over to the cells. There was one guard.

"WHAT THE HECK-" he cried, right as XTUX knocked him flying into a wall.

XTUX looked around. There! ERC Troopers Two, Three, and Five! He went up to the door and activated his built in welder!

Oops. That was the coffee maker. Black coffee dripped on the ground, and landed in a puddle around him. There were some downsides to being a cyborg. He ran over to the guard, grabbed the keys, and let them out.

He didn't notice the camera, watching his every move.

Right in the middle of putting a splint on Jeff's arm, UTR Troopers poured in. A tranquilizer dart hit XTUX, and everything went black.

In the Cell[edit]

XTUX awoke.


Wait. No. He was in a cell. An iron cell with a door. And with Jeff and the RDA Troopers.



He was captured? HIM? Of all people!

He moved over to Jeff.

"Hey. Are you all right?"

"No. But I have a plan. They didn't take away my cards. Pfft. They didn't know about PKMN-Jitsu, and they just thought I was a Ninja, and supposedly 'card jitsu cards are too weak'. There's just one problem...I have to teach you how to use them for us to escape."

XTUX facepalmed. This was going to be a LOOONG night.

Chapter Four: Well, It Can't Go Worse[edit]

Austin, Norm, the RDA Troopers, and Johnathan were still roaming the jail cells. It had been a long night. Hour after hour of security to pass, traps to avoid.... Everyone was dead tired. They all hid in a mop closet.

"So much action... I'm tired of it. I don't want to see another stinkin' trooper as long as I live." muttered Norm.

"Agreed. This whole mission has gone wrong. Well, this is the first day. We have about another day or two to reach him. This building is HUGE."

"Well, at least we're only about 4 corridors away."

Austin pulled out a sleeping bag, and everyone else did. Tomorrow was going to be a hard day.

Five AM, The Next Morning

Austin woke up. Ah. The second day. He was right-they didn't check mop closets for fugitives. He woke everyone else up, and they discussed our plan.

"Okay, guys. We're only four corridors away. We need to break out Terkin, hopefully XTUX finds Rex, we get to the top floor, we escape. And then I'm going to sleep for a whole day and guzzle a couple gallons of Cream Soda. And hit the Jacuzzi in Level 12 of the RDA Base."

The ERC troopers were confused.

"Level 12? There's only 11."

They edged out of the broom closet. There were still patrols of UTR Troopers going throughout the building, but they didn't have cameras in the Janitorial Levels. And there were just a few. Once they got to the precise spot, they would grapple upwards, weld a hole in the cell, get Terkin out, and hit the road.

They crept out to the first corridor. There was one lonely guard patrolling it.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Make trooper Bob patrol the basement where nothing ever happens." he complained.

Austin rolled a small metal ball out from behind the corner, right into Bob's path.

"What the heck is this? Hey, it says something! You... Are... Guillible?"

When he was looking at the ball, Austin shot him with a tranquilizer gun. He was snoring before he hit the floor.

They crept along to the second pathway. Just a locked door. Norm melted the lock, and they pushed through the door.

The third one was slightly more complicated. There were three guards with stunguns marching in a square around a large square cell.

Everyone grabbed the grappling hooks, hurled them up, climbed up the wall, and ran along the top of the cell.

Austin was confused. In the large cell with three guards was just one prisoner... but the guards were talking to each other and were staying way away from his cell. He was real short. And he wasn't a penguin. And he was kinda ugly. Austin welded through the glass roof, caught the piece as it was falling, and lowered himself into the cell.

The thing was... Licking the walls... And as he licked, the wall started evaporating.

He then looked up... And talked to him (probably a him)...

"Naughty penguin." he said in a mocking voice. The mini creature jumped right onto Austin's shoulder.

"Ahh, nice and soft. Now, what are you doing in my cell? You're not breaking in, are you?" - he gasped sarcastically.

"Yeah. Know any shortcuts? And.. Who are you?"

"Me? You don't know who I am? Small-Fins McKlowsky's the name. Top criminal on the block. I'm the best of the best. I know this prison like a Pengolian knows fish."

"Well, sounds cool. I'm looking for General Terkin. Know him?"

"Course I know that geezer. Not a bad bloke. But since you've made my job easier to escape, I'll help."

Austin rapidly ascended the cable.

"Okay. So, got any idea what's in the next corridor?"

"Since Terkin's arrived, the block's patrolled by groups of ten."

Austin, Johnathan, and Java all facepalmed at the same time.

"BUT... There's a trapdoor."

Austin perked up.

"Hmmm....A trapdoor?"

Johnathan walked over to the edge of the top of the cell, and shot down the guard with a ditto snowball. The other one ran up to him, wondering what he was hit by, and he ran straight into the path of Johnathan's rifle. The third guard, seeing as the other two were injured, ran towards the exit.

"Get him!" cried Austin. "He escapes, we have a big problem!"

Norm whizzed around and hurled an ice card at the fleeing guard. It caught him mid-run.

"Whew. That was close."

Austin followed McKlowsky over to the place on the floor he was standing. He was standing on a chair.


"Lift the chair."

Austin and Java lifted the chair. A patch of the floor came up with it.

"Where's this go to?"

"It's a system for the elite troopers, but they probably won't be in it now. It goes almost everywhere on dis block."

Austin high-fived McKlowsky... And it knocked him over (Small-Fins who cursed at least 6 times). Oops. No more high-fives.

They crept into the passage, edged along for about 50 feet, and saw an opening. McKlowsky was lifted up by Norm, and he peeked out.

"All clear. They're checking out what happened in the corridor you guys were just in."

Everyone climbed the ladder. There! Terkin was in a large cell, that was formerly surrounded by guards. Austin stepped close... But why was Terkin waving his flippers and jumping up and down?

Austin took one more step, and several sirens started blaring. Right then, McKlowsky yelled "STOP! IT'S A TRAP!". Too late.


Several guards ran in.

"How'd they get this far?"

Austin pulled out his RDA Blaster, but it got fizzled and popped as it was hit by a bullet. Crud. He pulled out a ditto grenade, and hurled it at the UTR Troopers. Unluckily, one caught it and hurled it back. Austin caught the fizzing grenade, and hurled it back again! This time, it hit the floor and froze three of them. Suddenly, Java got shot with several ditto snowballs, and was smashed into the wall and frozen. RDA Trooper 1 was also hit. Johnathan managed to shoot down two of them...

And then the floor opened up, and the UTR Troopers fell out of site.

McKlowsky got up out of the secret passage.

"Stupid morons. I just welded a hole. They'll be out for days."

He laughed maliciously, grabbed something out of his inventory... A paper clip, prehaps, and he twisted it into a lockpick. Then, he opened the cage lock, and General Terkin came out. Austin handed him a gun.

"Let's get out of here. RDA Trooper 4, you carry 1. I'll carry Java."

Austin grabbed him and hauled him over his shoulder.

"Oof. Java's been eating too many doughnuts. When he unfreezes, remind me to tell him that."

They ran back into the passage.

"So, McKlowsky, where do we go now?"

"This way, fool!"

He turned, right, then left, then got out of the passage.

"You're going to the roof. I'm heading out of here. Cya, suckers. If you get out, call me sometime. You may need my skills again."

Austin was amazed. He really needed to call this guy.

"Okay, guys, we've rescued Terkin, now we gotta get out."


"We gotta get through a couple more corridors, then into the mainroom, then we get through five bridges, then we reach the roof."

RDA Trooper 4 dropped 1 in shock. Norm looked amazed, and spoke up.

"Err, Austin, while I may be real good, I can't support you guys through FIVE BRIDGES across a main room. All the troopers will be there. We'll be shot down before we reach the third!"

Johnathan started pacing.

"That's not a plan, Austin. We need a PLAN."

RDA Trooper 4 stepped up.

"Sir, despite me being a 'redshirt' (This was the nickname for the ERC Troopers. They wore red armor instead of green.), I have a good idea. We have jetpacks. ERC Troopers. Johnathan wears 1's jetpack, I carry 1, Johnathan carries Norm, you take Java's jetpack, we get to Floor 1 and fly up."

Austin stopped rubbing his beak, Johnathan stopped pacing, and Norm stopped thinking.

"WOW. Good idea. Especially for a redshirt. Okay, yeah. We do that instead."

The redshirt (or 4) sighed.

"We're penguins too. Not just mindless clones. Of course, it probably doesn't matter to you guys."

They ran across a few more corridors, in a hurry to get to the mainroom. Mostly, they passed cells with Demon Penguins. Ack. Demon Penguins. Austin hated them. And Vampenguins. They hurried past.

In the hurry, they forgot to be careful.

And the black eye of a camera lens traced their every step.

Jamie Blond[edit]

1 PM, Second Day

A tall EPF Agent strode into the command room. He had a neat tuxedo, and a giant wig.

"The name's blond. Jamie Blond. I've been hearing about a prison escape...and I'm here to stop it."

Administrator Kai went up to him.

"Ah. Professional EPF Agent Blond. Good. We've just spotted the breakers. They appear to be Snoss. Two are some type of ninja. Others are professionals. They've blazed through our troops like a hot knife through butter. Then again, they've taken some injuries themselves."

"Well, Kai, send me after them. And two elite agents. I'll have them back kneeling at your feet."

"Are you sure? And call me ADMINISTRATOR Kai. Got it!?!"

"Whatever. To the Blondmobile!"

Him and his sidekick, another penguin named Jay jumped into a black minicar and started speeding through the halls.

"That was almost epic. But he needs to ditch the minicar." said a watching techie.

"Sir, they're almost to the mainroom. And they've got JETPACKS."

"Well, assign all troops over to the mainroom."

Kai telepathically grabbed the speakerphone.


He hung up.

"This better work."

Chapter Five: A Breakout Within[edit]

6 AM, an hour after Austin woke up.

XTUX and Jeff were still struggling.

"No, you CAN'T just put them in your gun barrel. It may work, but it's not skilled."


"I don't care. If you're going to learn how to use cards, you're going to do it the proper way."

The RDA Troopers sat in silence rolling their eyes. Two and Three were playing dice, and Five was messing around with his helmet.

"Look, just hand me one." said two.

Jeff sighed.

"Please don't tell me I've been training HIM (pointed at XTUX) all night, and you knew how to do this?"

"Well, it's more of a hobby, but yeah, I know basic card-jitsu. Which is more than he does."

XTUX was getting angrier and angrier, and then he noticed something in his inventory.

Where had he stored his ammo clips? He knew he had hid them somewhere in his inventory, but where?

He pulled out a banana and squeezed the bottom side. Several ammo clips flew out, hitting Jeff in the face.

XTUX grabbed one and leapt up.

"We're outta here!"

Grinning evilly, he loaded an explosive clip into there and sent several bursts into the door's hinges. It fell over, and hit the ground with a resounding thud.

Everyone piled out of the cell. On the opposite wall, their guns were hanging. XTUX scanned it.

"No infrared. We're good."

One guard walked past with a cellphone. Everyone immediently pressed against the left wall and tried to be silent.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say Kai. I'm checking those cells."

XTUX leapt out, and hit him with a knockout ray. This gun arm was nice. He had to remember to thank Benny.

Wait. Benny! He had an appointment with him.

CRUD. You didn't miss those appointments.

"I'm sorry guys-you're on your own now. I have to get out of this story. I'll be helping you in the Bureau from now on. Gotcha?"

"The what? Story? Huh?" said Jeff.

XTUX sarcastically muttered "Oops. I forgot. The MASTER of CARD JITSU doesn't know the Fourth Wall."

RDA Trooper three spoke out.

"You mean Third Window, right? Austin gave a seminar on it once."

"..... Yeah, I'll have to remind Austin NOT to do that."

Suddenly, an illegal class D teleporter fell from the sky and hit the ground.

"And that's my ride. If you guys get really lucky for any reason, it's my thing. You owe me some cake."

"We... Don't... Have cake." said Trooper 5, who was so confused it made his head hurt. Five was really never one for thinking. He had stayed in the cloning chamber a bit long.

"Ah, nuts. The cake is a lie." said XTUX, and he pulled a bathtub out of his inventory (no idea why the guards didn't confinscate that) and flew into the portal with it. There was a purple fizzing noise and a flash of light, and XTUX, the bathtub he was riding in, and the portal all dissapeared.

Everyone sat in stunned silence.

Three, the natural leader stepped up and placed his gun on the ground.

"Okay, two, you're the smartest, Jeff, you're the most advanced in your technique, five, you're brawny. We need to make it to Rex's cell. According to this map, it's two corridors away. Hit it!"

They ran into the first corridor. No scanning was nescessary here, the lasers were all visible. The one problem was that they turned on and off in a pattern.

"Two! Can you catch that and loop it in video in our helmets? We memorize the pattern, we get through."

Jeff walked up.

"Guys... I don't have a helmet."

Three pointed to the heating system.

"Jeff, make your way to the head room, find Austin's party and join it."

"What? You want me to.... Oh, fine, but I'm so unappreciated."

Clearly, jailbreaking had taken it's toll on Jeff and the RDA Troopers.

The three ERC Troopers deftly dodged, ducked, and dashed through the hallway. They reached another small room. This one had some gangsters. They were in the minimum security cells area.

ERC Trooper Two (or Cells, his name) checked the map.

"Roger that, Leader. We're not in the right level. We need to get down a level or two."

Three suddenly turned.


The Facility Command Room

Several techies ran up to Kai, with glasses and lab coats.

"Sir! Kai! We've spotted the other group. As you predicted, they broke out. We have no idea where the cyborg went. Or the card jitsu trainer. Both have vanished."

One ran over a few calculations.

"Their current rate of getting through our cells multiplied the distance to Rex's prison.... They'll be at our target at precisely 14 minutes and 34 seconds if they keep their average."

Kai slid across the desk.

"Kai to Blond. Blond, which area are you in. Got that. Get to the Rex's cell, prepare an ambush.

Approximately 14 Minutes and 30 Seconds Later

The ERC Troopers piled into Rex's room.

All three suddenly stopped. In front of them were 6 UTR troopers, guns aimed and ready.


The UTR Troopers started firing away. Two (or Cells) blasted one with his gun, but then his gun cracked and fizzled. Broken.

Three (also known as Leader) ducked behind a cabinet.

"Fives, get em!"

Fives leapt out of his hiding spot with his large chaingun.

He blasted several back into the wall with the flying ammunition. Suddenly, one of the UTR Troopers decided to be awesome. He leapt up, did a somersault, flipped past two bullets, and epically shot right at Fives. It hit him smack in the face, and he went sprawling.

"Fives! Okay, two, let's show them what we're made out of."

"Leader, my name is CELLS. Not two. I have a name too!"

Leader sighed and leapt into battle, firing his gun. He grabbed a supplies closet and smashed it on the ground, using it as cover. Two also jumped out, but alas, two (or Cells) wasn't really a fighter. He got owned pretty quickly. Three was the only one left, fighting against two UTR Troopers.

XTUX's Heavenly Intervention[edit]

XTUX walked through the BoF, whistling his own theme song. It made him happy. He was just that awesome. Plus, meetings with Benny cheered him up. He always liked those talks about him becoming Benny's sucessor.... But enough of that. He had to get to the Narrator's organ.

He activated his rocket-feet and blasted through the halls, knocking over files and workers stupid enough to get in his way. Ha ha. It was fun to bash workers into walls. Especially if he disliked them.

He stopped at the elevator, a random worker got out, and he got in.



Somebody had hit all the buttons on all the floors of the BoF.

XTUX ranted and raged, and got out on floor 2.

The worker, who thought himself very funny was laughing with some of his buddies. Seeing XTUX, he jumped and screeched. XTUX grabbed him and flung him into a papers bin.


He headed over towards the stairs, and blasted up with his jetpack feet. Carefully, he snuck over to the Narrator's Organ.

Whoa. Perfect. McFlapp wasn't here!

He started messing around. He knew how to use it-mostly.

Back in the Story

Right as three bullets whizzed towards Leader, or three, they vanished into thin air.


Then, all the troopers shooting at him suddenly gasped... And fell dead. He heard thuds in other rooms.

What the heck?

He ran into another room. More dead troopers.

Was this XTUX's work?

Suddenly, all the locked doors opened, the infrared lasers fizzled and disapeared, and all the traps vanished.

Then, Cells and Fives woke up, and looked around.

"What the HECK?!?"

Back in the BoF

XTUX sniggered evilly as he watched all the UTR Troopers fall dead. Ha. Suckers.

Suddenly, behind him, something exploded. He turned around in shock.

All the doinkometers! They were nearly to explosion, and one had already blown. Two more then blew, sending shards of metal flying.

Oh, crud. He started tapping on the Narrator's Organ, and the levels started going down. Phew, that was close.

Hopefully, nobody had noticed his meddling.

In McFlapp's Shower

Two rooms away, McFlapp was in the shower, singing. While taking a shower. He smiled as the suds flew, and he felt awesome.

Err, that is, for a guy taking a shower.

Suddenly, he heard a small explosion in another room.

McFlapp was surprised. That was coming from the room with the.... Doinkometers.

McFlapp groaned as realization slowly sunk in. Somebody was messing with the plot.

He shut the shower off, grabbed a towel, slung it around his neck, and leapt out of the shower, and hit the glass door like a bird hitting a window. Okay, he really had to remove that glass door. Hurridly, McFlapp ran to his closet and rummaged around. He pulled out his favorite coathanger, and leapt out of the closet. He charged towards the Organ....


Okay, he had to really remove those glass doors.

McFlapp charged out and evaluated the situation immediently. A red penguin was messing with his organ. Who had clearence up to.... XTUX. Red, evil, and had this clearance.

He kicked XTUX from behind onto the organ.

XTUX leapt onto the organ and started conjuring a spell.


"Yep. You're just as bally dramatic as you were before, XTUX. Couldn't ya get some bally character development?"

XTUX scowled.

"We're gonna do this fight my way."


Suddenly, everything grew to unrealistic proportions, they got stronger, and weird backgrounds surrounded the room.

Then, to top it off, weird music started playing. XTUX laughed evilly and brandished another coathanger.



XTUX instantly regretted that as McFlapp whacked him in the butt.

They ran through, smacking eachother with coathangers. XTUX did a backflip and landed on the organ, smashing several keys down. McFlapp also jumped on, and they started dueling.

In the Story

Austin was about to step into the mainroom when.....

Suddenly, he turned red, he grew a beard, did a backflip, and started talking gibberish like a Waffillean. Johnathan was shocked, and then his gun turned into a squeaky puffle. Java's jetpack exploded and turned purple.

Meanwhile, all the RDA Troopers started floating, and they all got deleted. Then, the whole facility lifted up off the ground, smashed itself down again, and started jumping.

Austin grabbed onto a metal bar and looked into a window, and saw XTUX and McFlapp dueling on the organ. He groaned. Nothing could have gone worse.

Then, he rapidly aged to about 60, and turned into an angry polar bear.

Meanwhile, the rest of Antarctica suddenly turned purple, and the sun smiled at Mr. Flower and rained bullets of snakes down at the world.

Back to McFlapp

XTUX and McFlapp were still dueling on top of the organ. Several workers on the lower floors started to notice what was going on.

"John, what the heck is going on with The Absurd Mission? We finished that story, and I was watching it on video, but now Austin's turned black and deleting everybody."

"I dunno. Same thing's happening with Explorer's Disaster Story! SN's getting bit by a mutant puffle."

"Bob, that actually HAPPENED in the story."

"Oh. Well, SN shriveled up and died."

"Okay, Bob, something's going on. Got top floor pass?"

"Nope. I wish. But somebody's messing around with The Organ. I can sense it."

Meanwhile, XTUX and McFlapp were still dueling. Despite McFlapp having years of experience at... Coathanger dueling, XTUX was a cyborg. In other words, he adapted quickly. They started leaping from chair to chair, due to a slight accident with lava and the organ and the floor.

Benny heard the chaos and opened the door.

What the heck? XTUX was dueling McFlapp on a table over a floor covered in lava on top of the organ.

Who should he fight? XTUX was the ideal replacement for McFlapp, but he was sabotoging the plot. McFlapp was his enemy-but they had this weird friendship thing going on.

Benny whisked out a coathanger, sharpened on both ends.

Both of them would feel this. He grinned nastily, and leapt onto the chair and started fighting also.

Joe and Bob had finally reached the top floor (snatched another worker's card), looked in, and promptly closed the door.

"Joe, what should we do?"

Joe, a confident rollback, shouldered his gun.


He blasted the room. Suddenly, Benny, McFlapp, and XTUX all started dueling in reverse, Benny leapt out of the room, XTUX and McFlapp ran backwards along the organ, and McFlapp ran backwards into the shower, and XTUX flew down the stairs.

And none of that had ever happened.

Edit By Gray Bureau Reverted

Chapter Six: Blond[edit]

Leader was hiding behind a cabinet, listening to his thumping heart as several projectiles whizzed past him. Okay, on three. He could beat these guys. He was an ERC Trooper, not a coward!

He jumped out and shot several times. Both troopers shooting at him collapsed and fainted from the effects of the ditto. Great. Now he had to see if there were any in Rex's cell.

Swiftly and silently, he snuck up to the concrete cell. There was just one door. He listened closely.

And heard the soft noise of..."munch crunch munch"?'

Rex was probably tranquilized-they wouldn't take a risk for him to escape. He leapt behind the door and shot a lethal bullet at the supposed guard.

Red liquid flew everywhere in a tremendous explosion, and the guard screamed in shock.

Leader kicked him flying.

"OH, {CRAP!}" yelled the guard, as his kidneys flew out. More red liquid sloshed along the floor.

"DIE, AGENT!" cried Leader, and he kicked the rolling guard on the floor.

"Oh,{DANGIT!} cried the sprawling guard, who was covered in red.

Then, Leader shot the right at the guard's heart with a deletion ray.

10 Seconds Previously, Blond's Perspective

Jamie Blond, Private Eye, EPF Agent, and overall epic was eating his lunch. Yeah, he was eating lunch. Mmm. Kidney beans with a red juice can. His favorite.

Suddenly, an RDA Trooper leapt out of the door and shot at him! It hit his red juice can, and it exploded everywhere.

Blond screeched in shock. The RDA Trooper kicked him, and he let go of his can of kidney beans and they splattered on the floor. Some hit the juicebox, and it flipped over and spilled the rest out.

"OH, CRAP!" screamed Blond.

"DIE, AGENT!" cried the RDA Trooper.

"Oh, DANGIT!" cried the sprawling guard, who was covered in red.

Blond saw Leader aiming his gun at him, and he pulled the heart-shaped candy case his girlfriend had given him and blocked the deletion ray with it.

Blond leapt up from the floor and pulled a stilleto from his briefcase.

"You attacked me while I was eating lunch. And if there's one time you don't attack me, it's LUNCH TIME."

He flicked the stilleto back and forth menacingly.

"And you've stained my suit. Did I mention that these suits cost a lot to wash? Well, they do."

AND, you ruined that gift I got for my birthday! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY!" he screamed, and he hurled the knife at Leader. Leader promptly ducked it, and flipped out a tranq pistol. He shot three times, rapidly, but Blond ducked and leapt to the side, then did a backflip. Well, he was certainly agile.

Leader growled at him.

"I'm here for the prisoner, you puny agent. Move aside and this will be a lot less painful."

"Puny agent? I'm Blond. Jamie Blond." said the agent in tough-guy manner.

Leader pulled out a sword.

"Bring it on."

"Okay, but you're going to be eating spaghetti."

Leader lunged at him, and Blond pulled out another dagger and blocked it.


We Fly Up Stairs[edit]

Austin, Johnathan, a petrified Java, Norm, and RDA Troopers 1 and 4 were running down the corridor. Just one more! Then they'd get into the large room, get the jetpacks, fly upwards, and get outta here!

Austin saw another security camera ahead.

"Y'know, at this point, I think they know where we are."

As if to prove his point, a group of 5 guards stormed in behind them. AGAIN.

Austin sighed, and fired at the leader of the group. He fell petrified instantly.

Then, he pulled out a real gun. A pistol. Usually, these weren't allowed. Black market stuff. But he had one.

Two shots against the walls sent the group fleeing.

Austin and the group kept proceeding.

Finally. If they opened this door, they'd be at the largest room. Then, they'd have to fly up to the very top.

Then, Austin turned and saw something... Horrible?



Java rolled his eyes.

"Look, it probably doesn't matter what you look like on the wanted poster."

"Yeah, but they've been getting it wrong for MONTHS."

"Whatever. Anyway, once we open this door, all heck will break loose. Pretty much, we run out into the middle, everyone with jetpacks flies, people without jetpacks jump on, and we get up to the roof."

Terkin, who had remained silent the whole time, was thinking.

"I've been thinking through your plan..." he said, as he stroked his beak with his hook.

"And there's one problem. There's no opening to the roof. What are you going to do once you get to the top?"

There was an awkward silence.

"Err.... Improvisation?"

"Improvising? Really?"

"Hey, you try to come up with a better plan!"

Terkin thought for about 5 seconds.

"Why don't you just fly up to the top, set an AC Vent to extract, then jump in. You cut off the actual thing, it sucks up the smoke, you climb up the pipe, break open the end, and then you're on the roof."

There was another awkward silence.

"I liked my idea better."

Terkin sighed.

"Well, your option is nonexistant, since that welder is broken-I was checking your equipment this whole time. The only other option is... The sewage pipe."

"OKAY, NEVER MIND. AC PIPE IT IS!" Austin hurriedly said, trying to avoid sewage pipes altogether.

Terkin grinned, victorious. Johnathan cut in.

"We're burning daylight here. On three, let's charge the door."

"ONE.... TWO.... THREE!!!"

They charged in, slamming through the door, and started running across the first bridge. Projectiles rained from all sides-not exactly an ideal situation. ERC Trooper 1 was hit in the helmet by a ditto snowball, and it petrified over his helmet.

"I can't see a thing!" he complained, as he took one step too far to the right and plummeted off the bridge.

Austin saw 1 falling.

"Four! Get down there and pick up one. Get his jetpack and give it to me!"

"Roger, sir."

Four leapt over the side, activated his jetpack, and flew down to one, who happened to be around 10 feet from the floor. He grasped one by the shoulder-armour, and hauled him upwards.

Meanwhile, Austin, Johnathan, Java, Norm, and Terkin were all running like their butts were on fire towards the middle of the bridge. Johnathan turned around.

"Wait... Why the heck is that guy setting grenades at the end of the...."

He turned around and saw another guy doing that on the other side.


"But we only have one jetpack right now! We can't carry everyone."

Four conviniently flew back up to their location, tossed Austin 1's jetpack, and sped upwards with 1 (who was still complaining about how he couldn't see through the helmet).

Austin grabbed it, snatched Terkin, and Java grabbed Johnathan.

Norm looked up.

"Hey, where's my ride?"

Austin groaned.

"Drat, one short! Terkin! I need a plan! Now!"

"Leave him, fool! He's just a grunt!"

Austin glared at Terkin (or his own back), and sped down again, lifting Norm onto the jetpack also. He blasted an incredibly slow rate. Java and Trooper Four were already near the top, and Austin was going at about half that speed. In a second, Terkin kicked Norm off the jetpack, and he fell onto the second bridge, and was immediently put into cuffs. Austin groaned, and flew upwards. By this time, everyone was to the next to last bridge. It appeared that Trooper 4 had used 1 as a shield, as 1 was completely covered in ice, ditto, snow, and even a real bullet or two was embedded in his armour.

Terkin looked up.

"Oh, crud. They removed the AC Pipe."

".... Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"We have to go through the sewage pipe?"

"No, I was thinking that my improvising idea was good at this point."

Terkin hopped off at the last bridge, and saw a tube next to him. It was large enough for him to crawl through, and it went up for about 5 feet, up to the roof.

He cut a hole in it with his hook, and jumped in.

Troopers 1 and 4 also climbed up, and then Johnathan and Java did. The only person who was a bit reluctant was Austin.

"Err, y'know what? I think that maybe I'll improvise."

Johnathan popped out, grabbed him by the neck and flung him into the pipe.

Everyone crawled through the sewage pipe. Austin tried not to breathe or notice that these pipes were stained yellow, but the smell was awful. Imagine a festering ball of poison being dipped in polar bear crap laying in a dumpster with seven hobos who haven't bathed in a week. Disgusting.

Austin groaned.

"As soon as we get back to Snowzerland, I'm demanding a bath, a raise, and 24 hours of undisturbed sleep."

ERC Trooper 4 rolled his eyes.

"Look, at least your pay is good."

Johnathan called out from the front of the pipe.

"We're climbing up now. Once we knock the end off, we'll be on the roof. We still have about 20 minutes until the copter comes."

Suddenly, a flushing noise was heard in the distance. Austin's eyes grew big.


Everyone crawled through the pipe as fast as they could, climbed up the small ladder to the roof, and got out. Seconds later, a stream of yellow liquid splashed through.

Terkin smirked.

"And, my idea was right. As usual."

"I still say we should have gone with the improvising."

Chapter Seven: The Roof[edit]

Austin took one step out of the pipe.

"Ahh. The roof. All right. Now we've just gotta hope XTUX shows up with Jeff and Rex and the ERC Troopers."

Norm sighed.

"Twenty minutes? They know we're up here, boss. This is pretty much 20 minutes of whatever they can throw at us."

Austin stood up on a crate and scouted around. Suddenly, a bullet whizzed just inches from his head. He whirled around and saw a group of.... Thirty agents, prehaps? charging at him.


Johnathan pulled out his sniper rifle, Java grabbed his RDA Blaster, and RDA Troopers 4 and 1 prepared for battle. Terkin was just sitting there because he had no weapon.

Suddenly, a ditto grenade flew overhead. Java leapt up and caught it midflight, and hurled it off the roof.

RDA Trooper 1 was in the middle of pulling the crates around the pipe into a wall, when suddenly he was clipped in the forehead with a bullet. He was okay, but it was an instant knockout. He flew backwards at least 15 feet.

Four leapt up and started firing, but he was hit with several ditto-snowballs and smacked into the protruding pipe. Austin groaned.

"Okay, whatever you do, do NOT pop up."

Johnathan started looking around in his inventory, and pulled out a small device.

"What the heck is that going to do?"

He flipped a small panel and hit a button. Suddenly, it expanded into a transparent shield.


"Yeah. RDA Prototype. I snagged one on the way to the plane."

Java rolled his eyes. Wouldn't you know. In the middle of the firefight, Austin and Johnathan were talking like they were in a coffee parlor.

Austin grabbed the shield and stood up over the crates, holding the shield out. It was hit several times, but withstood the projectiles. Austin managed to get off three or four good shots with the freeze ray before another grenade hit it, and it was completely frozen over, useless. He ducked back behind the crate and looked at Java

"Do something! They're about to storm us."

Java stood up and threw a smoke grenade.

"Well, that should buy us at least 2 minutes."

Several troopers ran through and started firing.

"Or not...."

Back To Blond[edit]

Two Hours Ago

Blond advanced menacingly, flicking his knife back and forth. Leader had pulled out his RDA Saber and prepared to fight. Blond slashed at him. In one deft move, Leader swung around with his saber, chopping Blond's knife in two pieces, rendering it useless. Leader grinned.

"And this is why the Snoss are better."

Blond suddenly slid on the floor, kicked Leader's feet from under him, and Leader fell on his face.


Blond then proceeded to jump on Leader, and he tied him up with his tie, which happened to be industrial grade steel.

Leader groaned, rolling on the floor.

"Can I have that spaghetti you were talking about earlier?"

Blond turned around and went to pick up his lunchbox, which happened to have some spaghetti in it. He didn't notice that when he had been tying up, Leader had been flexing his muscles. When he let them loose, there was about an inch of spare room for him to move around in. (Leader was very muscular. Especially for an RDA Trooper.)

Leader started getting his flipper free. When he had, he grasped around in his inventory and found a knife. He started sawing at the tie.

Blond came back and sat next to him.

"Here's your-OOF!"

Leader had cut through the thinnest part of the tie and swung it around, using it as a whip against Blond. It struck Blond and ripped through his tuxedo.

"Actually, I think you'll be needing this." Leader said, as he shoved the spaghetti towards Blond.

He grabbed his RDA Saber and pointed it at Blond.

"Surrender. Now."

Blond smashed a smoke-bomb against the ground, and dissapeared.

Leader shrugged, revived Fives and Cells, grabbed Rex, and hit the road.

The rest of the trip was fairly easy. They found an AC Pipe, hurled a grappling hook up it, and managed to climb up to the roof over the course of 2 hours. They picked up Jeff on the fourth floor, and finally climbed to the top. Leader opened up the pipe....3 feet away from Austin. Austin initially jumped.

"Leader! Rex! 2! 5! Jeff! Good to see you! Where's XTUX?"

Leader dodged a ditto snowball flying his way.

"He left! I dunno why."

Austin sighed.

"Crud. He would have been useful."

Several more missles flew through.

Suddenly, a brave UTR Trooper with a machine gun popped up from the stairs leading up to the roof behind them, ran over to some crates, and started firing. He caught Austin and his allies by suprise, and Johnathan was hit in the arm. He dropped his gun and grabbed his arm, then fainted from shock. Austin and Java were hiding behind crates. Five, wielding an Uzi, nodded his head and pointed at the machine gun guy.

Austin shook his head. Unluckily, Fives ran out anyway, and got pulverized with bullets. Luckily, his armour protected him from fatal wounds, but he was still shot several times. Two also nodded his head and pointed at the machine gun guy. Austin shook his head. AGAIN.

Two charged anyway, and suffered the same fate as Fives.

Java suddenly jumped out and started firing like crazy, but he was hit in the helmet several times, and instantly concussed.

Austin recoiled. His party had gone down to 3 in seconds! Suddenly, he noticed something poking out of Johnathan's inventory. A rocket launcher.

And then he had a brilliant idea.

Chapter Eight: Rocket Jumps and Helicopters and Hijacking[edit]


Austin remembered being joining into the War of 2002 around 8 years ago. When he was 18. He had been stationed in Archet with three guys. One was a nerd with glasses. Anyway, there had been this High Penguin with a machine gun behind some sandbags.

Austin, 18 years old, was hiding behind some rocks with a submachine gun. His three soldiers were hiding nearby. One with a pistol, and one with a shotgun. All snowball weapons, lead weapons hadn't been legalized yet.

The nerd, with black hair stuck out a shining mirror on a stick. It got shot by the guy with the machine gun and exploded.

Then, he stuck out another one. Nothing happened. Austin took this as a sign to charge. He nodded. The nerd shook his head. "No!"

Austin shrugged and charged. He was instantly pelted, and bowled over. His vision dimmed, but he still managed to remain consious.

The other two soldiers charged, much to the regret of the nerd. They were both shot down easily. The nerd sat behind a rock, thinking. AND THEN...

He pulled out his rocket launcher and charged out. Then, he leapt up into the air, fired the rocket launcher, was boosted into the air, and then epically owned the guy with the machine gun. The nerd promptly got promoted to Field Commander, and the rest was history.

End of Flashback

In the present, 8 years later, Austin hid crouched behind some boxes. Terkin was hiding in the pipe, and ERC Trooper Three (or Leader) was ducking behind. Austin grabbed Johnathan's rocket launcher and charged.

Bullets pelted the ground near his feet, sending up small shards of rock as he ran. Ouch. Several jolts of pain hit him. He leapt up into the air, fired the rocket launcher down, and flew up in the air. The shocked trooper just stared at him. And then Austin landed on top of him, nerve jabbed him, and grabbed his machine gun.

Austin ducked as several bullets flew over his head. Had Trooper 3, Rex, and Terkin been overun?

He turned around. There were several UTR Troopers in the crate fort.

Crud. Terkin was splayed over the pipe, unconcious, Leader was handcuffed, and Rex was too beaten up to do much. He just sat there pathetically while the troopers handcuffed him. Then, they approached Johnathan.

He whipped out a deletion gun and shot down two. The other four whirled around when they heard the fizzing, and several opened fire on Johnathan. However, Leader (or Three) kicked one over and head-banged another one. One of the remaining troopers dropped his gun and leapt into the sewage pipe, and the other one followed suit.

However, it appeared that Johnathan had taken more injuries. Austin carefully ran back to the crates. Johnathan had his eyes closed and was breathing weakly. Austin was relieved. Breathing was good. ERC Trooper 3 came up to Austin.

"I'd reccommend cutting these handcuffs off. Because there's probably going to be another wave."

Austin pulled out his RDA Saber and sliced the handcuffs in half.

"Alright. It's been good knowing you..."

"Leader. Not Three."

"Okay. So, how much time until the copter gets here?"

"About 5 minutes."

Austin looked around. RDA Trooper 1 was sprawled over a crate, 2 was unconcious and laying on the ground, 5 was attempting to stand back up, Jeff had fainted from stress, 4 was propped against the pipe, petrified, Java was concussed, Johnathan was wounded, and Rex was too tired to even stand. Leader seemed to be exhausted.

Austin checked himself for wounds. Ack. When he had charged the machine gunner, some of those shards had blown up at him. Nothing that serious.

It was calm on the roof for the next three minutes. He just sat against the crate, waiting for another wave to come. There was a slight breeze, and it was a nice view. If it wasn't for the fact that he was on a roof with no backup about to be put in jail, he probably would have enjoyed this.

He looked around the perimeter. Nothing. Suddenly, a trooper with a jetpack flew over the edge of the roof, and started firing at him.

A ditto snowball hit him in the head. He started feeling the effects instantly. The agent landed, put away the jetpack, and grinned. Austin tried to see closer. A dark penguin... In a suit... With a... Zzzzzz.

"The name's Blond."

Austin promptly lost conciousness and hit the top of the roof. Leader, hearing the thump, turned around and saw Blond.


Leader was exhausted. He stuck out his flippers, sighed pathetically, and let himself be cuffed. There wasn't a chance of him beating Blond.

And then, a whirring noise was heard. And was that....

Leader backed away from the purple glow behind Blond. Blond didn't notice.

"What the heck are you backing away for? You can't escape, duh."

Leader didn't reply, but slowly kept backing away. Suddenly, something weird happened.


XTUX flew out of the portal in a bathtub, yelling


He nailed Blond with the bathtub while flying out of the portal at 30 miles per hour, and Blond was sent flying off the roof. He flew several feet, hit the balcony, smashed through the fence, flew down, broke down several small trees, and hit the ground, where he moaned and passed out.

XTUX grinned.

"That was almost PURE EVIL! I'm putting that on my resume. Nailing a good guy with a bathtub."

Leader, who was shocked, amazed, and overall confused just passed out.

XTUX was bemused. Suddenly, a helicopter flew overhead and landed. Several RDA Troopers stepped out. The captain, a tough looking trooper stepped up to XTUX.

"Hello, sir. You're the last man standing?"

The captain looked around.

"My word. They took out the whole team."

Several other troopers leapt out of the RDA Double Helicopter. A few were medical troopers, with the white snoss insignia printed on their armor.

The captain surveyed the rooftop.

"Men, get the squad into the copter."

Suddenly, a huge gathering of at least 20 troopers poured out of the door leading up to the roof.

"On second thought, get the squad into the copter NOW!"

The troopers confidently charged. Then XTUX shot fifteen energy pulses into the group. Several fell over, stunned, and the rest backed away slightly. Then, they fired at XTUX. Most of the bullets bounced off, but the leader had a Sig Sauer Pistol, and it managed to penetrate XTUX's armor.

It happened to be the head armor.

XTUX fell dead.

The captain was shocked. Luckily, his troopers had managed to load Austin and the squad (including Terkin, who was STILL hiding in the pipe) into the helicopter. The leader grabbed XTUX, hurled him over his shoulder, and leapt into the helicopter. They closed the doors and started flying away with bullets pelting the helicopter. The captain (known as Captain Piell) (even redshirts deserve names) was driving the helicopter. Austin by then had unfrozen.

"What? Where am I? Oh. Wait. Helicopter. Never mind."

He looked around at his squadron.

"XTUX is dead? Again?"


"Okay, plug him into the helicopter. It'll charge him."

Johnathan spoke up.

"Austin, I saw the blueprints. Recently, he had the regeneration process upgraded. It won't take longer than 15 minutes to regenerate."


Johnathan paced back and forth nervously.

"Err, Austin, I saw his blueprints. His regenerative skills are great. In fact, a wound like this would only take about 15 minutes to regenerate. Plugging him into the helicopter would be dangerous. So, judging by the math and the-"


Austin grabbed a cable cord, plugged it into the helicopter, and stabbed it into XTUX.

"That's gotta hurt."

Suddenly, the rotors stopped spinning, and the lights turned off.

"Something just stole every bit of energy from the helicopter! We're gonna crash!"

The helicopter crashed into the ground, next to a river, and everyone was thrown into it. Eventually, everyone got out of the river (including XTUX, who had revived instantly).

XTUX was furious, and he throttled the captain.


He continued punching the unlucky Captain Piell. Piell turned and pointed at Austin.

"It was his idea!"

XTUX slapped Austin. He was about to do it again, when Austin pointed at Johnathan.

"He plugged you in!"

XTUX slapped Johnathan.

Johnathan, the only logical one in the group pointed at XTUX.

"Hey, you drained all the energy from the helicopter."

XTUX promptly slapped himself.

"Wait. Computing Error 404. Rebooting."

He shook himself.

"Okay. Never mind about who crashed the helicopter. What do we do now?"

ERC Trooper 3 stood up.

"You came through a portal. With a bathtub."

"Look, it's a long story involving a bathroom, Fudd, and some annoying coworkers."

"Can y-"

"And no, I'm not telling you."

Austin started pacing.

"Well, the helicopter crashing wasn't in the plan. I mean, we were supposed to get to a PT-boat at the coast, but that's another 20 miles. Could we fix it?"

He took another look at it.

"That would take too long. Let's go through the city-maybe they don't have too many wanted posters yet. Then we hijack a plane from the airport.

"Yeah, look at that thing. It's too damaged to do anything."


There was a nice sunset behind their burning wreck of a helicopter, but it wasn't very enjoyable.

The group all retrieved their weapons and prepared to head through the city.

Austin stood up on a fallen log.

"Okay, men, we'll need to split up. The RDA Troopers can't get through the city. Or you, Rex. And, yeah. We're burning daylight here. We have to be at the meeting-point by 8:00 tonight. It's 6:00 now."

They split up. After about twenty minutes of boring walking, they reached the city. All they had to do was get through with no trouble, hijack a car/bus/orwhatevertheheckworksyoucontrolfreak (to quote Rex).

Austin started walking through the city, pretending to be a civilian.

The problem was, he'd never actually... Been.... A civilian. He assumed all civilians... Didn't really do much. Bought clothing. Went to pizza parlors.

Johnathan pointed something out behind them.

"Austin, not to be obvious, but we should probably get disguises. Over there's a spare clothing shop."

"So we stick em' up?"

"No. We raid the dumpster. Unless you have spare clothing."

"I don't even wear clothing."

After about 10 minutes of dumpster raiding, Austin had on a black hoodie (ripped and a bit tattered), Johnathan was wearing a blue shirt and a cap, XTUX was wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, and Jeff was wearing his PKMN-Trainer outfit. To be honest, they kind of looked like a gang. Which was cool.

They proceeded walking. Austin stopped for a second when he came to two telephone poles.


"You have be got to kidding me. What's that, a beret? A FEZ? I mean, yeah, they probably didn't get a good picture of me- but still. A fedora? Wow, I should seriously try that. Do they think I'm Frankterran?!?"

He proceeding walking, and then a discarded magazine flapped nearby in the wind.

He picked it up, to his regret.


He grabbed it and threw it into the trash about 30 feet away. It hit the wall of the building and dropped into the garbage disposal.

"What was that all about?" said an amused XTUX.


They kept walking through the city. Luckily, they didn't attract that much attention from the normal passerbys. That isn't to say they blended in.

It would have been an easy route, except they stumbled on.... This.


Austin stood there in utter shock. The other bounty hunters were amused greatly.

"What... How did they get my junior prom picture?!?"

"You were at a junior prom?"

"You wore a MONACLE and a TOP HAT?"

"NO! I meant... How did they get my wrong picture!"

"I heard something about junior."

Austin grabbed the poster and crumpled it up.

Right in front of a policeman, too.

"Sir, that's against the law! Anything you say can in will be used against you in court you have the right to remain silent okay now you're asking for it!"

Austin punched the policeman. It hit him, and he staggered back. Then, he pulled out a taser.

Oh crap.

He tasered Austin. It hurt. A lot. It felt like he got thrown off a building, crashed through a balcony, and broke several small trees.

Twenty miles away, Jamie Blond was wondering how other people would react if they were smashed off a building, crashed through a balcony, and broke several small trees.

Anyway, Austin fell to the ground, yelling. That hurt. Worse than when he had caught himself on fire.

Suddenly, the policeman was tackled to the floor and hurled into his car. Austin was going to thank whoever it was, and then he looked up.


It was a female penguin. She had long, dirty blonde hair, in a weird style, a weird dress (was that tye-dye? He hadn't seen that since the eighties.), and a magazine. She looked.... Weird, for a lack of a better word. Austin's vocabulary had never been too high.

"Uh... Thanks?"

"Well, of COURSE I was going to attack a policeman who was tasering a celebrity!"


"Yeah! Have you read the Gossip Daily? They had a huge story on you and your abs."

She talked very quickly and in rapidfire. Hard to cut her off.


"Anyway, I saw you and I trailed you through the whole city for an interview."

"Listen. I'm on a mission, and I can't waste time. Go away."

"Is it true that you secretly married Maddieworld?"

"NO. I don't like her, to be honest. Dunno why Swiss Ninja married her."

"Did you really grow up in a circus?"

"NO. Am I wearing clown makeup? I grew up in Pengolia."

"Heyy, I think you're just joking about Maddieworld. Did she hit you with her frying pan? You don't seem to be bright, to be honest."


"Ooh, can I have your bandana as a souvineer?"


She lunged at him and dived for his bandanna. He gripped his bandanna and tried to keep it on his head, but man, she was strong! She nearly ripped it off, but he managed to fling her off, and into a dumpster. He tried to run, but she ran faster than he did. The other bounty hunters were laughing hysterically-Johnathan and XTUX knew what was under there.


"Is it true you have the biggest abs in the world?"

"I'd like to believe that, but no."

"The article said you have a brother who works as an accountant."

"Err... That's true. We don't talk about him much."

"OOOH BOY! Oh, oh, can I have that gun!"

She grabbed Austin's favorite pistol out of his belt and started pointing it around. WAS SHE CRAZY? THAT WAS LOADED!

He grabbed the pistol back.

"Alright, I'm leaving you 10 seconds to leave, or else I'm firing."


Austin fired the pistol several times. All the bullets bounced off.

"I always wear a bulletproof vest after I wrestled Herbert to get his autograph!"


The other bounty hunters were getting annoyed. Okay, it was funny for the first five minutes, but they really had to get to the meeting point. Jeff called to Austin.

"Hey, we're going to the docks. You can catch up later."

Austin grabbed a grenade out of his inventory and threw it at her. It rolled at her... But then...

She pulled out her iron poster of Jason Steed (some famous rocker), held it in front of her, and jumped up. She had... Grenade jumped. She flew up 20 feet into the air and landed on his back, grabbing him in an iron tight hug.


He started walking after the bounty hunters with her clinging to his back. XTUX was laughing.

"Looks like you've got a metroid on ya."


"Never mind. I keep forgetting your level."

Johnathan and XTUX then started talking about the fourth wall. Austin tried to ignore the parasite straddling his back, and trudged on to the dock.

The boat was there. Thank goodness. This whole trip was miserable, and they were finally done. Everyone was escorted onto the boat. Austin noticed that Terkin was the first to actually go ON the boat. Hmph. Everyone else was on the boat....

And then catastrophe struck.

Chapter 9: Those Freakin' AMEOBAs[edit]