The Four Unknown

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The Four Unknown
DSCF7145.JPG
Fear them!
Profile
Title "Captain B"
"General Sharpener"
"Pencilsmith"
"Wally"
Gender Male
Race Living, Walking, and Talking Items. If that even makes sense...
Faction ???
Health Do objects have health?
Level WHO KNOWS?!
Status Disguising as regular items, then hitting Bean Humans.
Location Some random house (might be yours!)
Friends Each other
Enemies Donal Tenorio, Megg, and a bunch of other politicians that, according to them, "no one cares about"
Archetype Whatever they feel like being.


The Four Unknown are a group of strange living objects that roam Antarctica, either defeating bad guys or causing mayhem - whichever they feel like doing at any point in time.


Background[edit]

Nobody is sure where the group came from. Some say that Aye-Que made them as a last-ditch escape plan that backfired. Others say that they came out of the Cat Arch. However, the version that is most credited and trusted today is the story the group recounts. Captain B, General Sharpener, Pencilsmith and Wally all claim that they were all created in some random human's laboratory, who was testing a life ray experiment. His first attempt ended up going wrong and resulted in Dancing iPod, so he ditched his initial idea of using the ray on a bazooka due to budget concerns. Instead, he opted to use student resources as test subjects as they were much cheaper.

Everything went just as planned.

Not.

You'd think people would've learned by now. The four evolving items ended up obliterating the lab, crushing the scientist. In response, the human military captured them and prepared to send them to an abandoned location in a land called "Madagascar" in a boat. Unfortunately for them, at this very moment Director Benny approved of Gary's decision to a multitude of pointless writing tools into a few random portals, as an experiment, in a room at the BoF - they happened to go through right into Pencilsmith's genetic system. Even more coincidentally, at the same time a random bank robber running past the building tripped on a nearby loose floor tile, chucking his money into a portal on Gary's right, and through Wally's genetic system. With these new abilities combined with B and Sharpener's already powerful mutational arsenal, the squad managed to take over the ship.

Unfortunately for them, they had no idea how to control it, and while the humans had jumped from the ship to save themselves, the group ultimately ended up in Antarctica.

Nobody really knows what their motives are at this point. They just seem to "run" (can stationery run?) around and whack random penguins and animals over the head. Either they're hiding something, or someone at the BoF thought it would be funny to line up their actions with certain events, such as the discovery of a secret growth ray at the Square Islands.

In 2016, the Four would begin making public appearances as Captain B began to run for president, despite his complete lack of political expertise. In the ensuing years, Captain B would enter basically every election, collect a stupid amount of votes and lay waste to the election balance, ultimately lose, and then vanish with his team again. Eventually, he ended up winning once, making him one of few non-penguin presidents, and just kinda screwed around doing whatever he wanted, somehow maintaining Antarctic peace. Probably because by that point most countries realized that the USA was being run by a psycho water bottle that would break into their government offices, slap everyone, and then leave without doing much else if provoked.

Members[edit]

Captain B[edit]

Stop talking. No, just stop talking. I understood every word you said and not a single one was in any way relevant to our discussion.
 
— Captain B

Captain Bottle, simply Captain B, seems to be the leader of the group. He has an indefinite amount of dihydrogen oxide (that's nerd for water) stored in him; visually, however, it can seem like there are different amounts of water in him. Either that's an optical illusion, or you can use that to predict how he's currently feeling or something.

B is a cold, hard (HA! Get it? Because... he's a polycarbonate bottle... with cold water... I'll go sit in the corner now...) character and is fairly used to strategizing and telling others what to do. He is physically the strongest and has no exploitable physical weaknesses, but when it comes to ranged combat, he doesn't have much to work with. All he has is the water inside the bottle, which he can shoot out as water spheres.

"""""Political""""" History[edit]

Interestingly, B ran for president in 2016, somehow getting an insane number of votes beyond all reason. Analysis proves that B pretty much royally screwed the entire voting system over by entering, and that the results of the election would've been much different if he hadn't interfered. This technically means that he counts as a politician, in the loosest form of the word.

Generally speaking, B doesn't differentiate between political parties at all, stating, "What's it matter? They're all my opponents, right?" It's probably likely that he doesn't actually know what political parties are or what they advocate. With that being said, B does remember the representatives of each party, and has quite the opinion on each and every one of them. The only ones that he really likes are the "non-normie ones", namely Deez Nats, some guy in a trench coat, and the URAD. He also likes Feey1 because he has "a really neat robot suit", regardless of what the country thinks about him.

B has absolutely no idea what any political terms are. Recorded footage specifically notes him saying "Capitalism? What's that? I mean, I have a cap, so I guess I'm cool with that," and "What is all this about lefts and rights? I mean, I'm not sure. If you want to open a water bottle, you turn the cap left. But I'm also always right. So, I, uhh..." He can't discern the separate countries of Antarctica, either - it's all "this city" or "that country" or "that big puddle of water with a really nice scent". For whatever reason, everyone seems to perfectly understand the exact location he's talking about, even if they're nowhere near it.

Most candidates dreaded having to try to debate with this guy during the 2016 elections. This was the combination of the fact that they felt stupid having to talk to a large water bottle, the fact that B clearly has no clue what politics actually entails, and the fact that they would probably end up walking out of the debate with a bruise or two when B would inevitably attempt to solve the problem by whacking the other guy. Several candidates, including Megg, Donal Tenorio, and Canary Hilton have attempted to have B arrested for multiple cases of assault, but then General Sharpener would go "We're doing this for the children!!" and then everyone would cheer for B and completely forget that he just clobbered his political opponent over the head with his body. During B's debate with Penghis Khan, everyone reportedly hid under their chairs.

B ignored a lot of current issues that were the hot topic of Antarctica, and just kinda rambled on about stuff that had nothing to do with the situation. Whenever interviews turned into Captain B's Public Vlog About Whatever, television channel ratings would skyrocket, as everyone pondered what this guy was thinking. Is this all a brilliant political commentary that points out that we would prefer to ignore our problems and focus on something else? That... would only make sense if the "politician" we were talking about was literally anyone else.

General Sharpener[edit]

Yeah boss, I did some research, and it looks like most of these "political" folk just like to spew words that don't mean anything. Can't be that hard, right?
 
— General Sharpener to Captain B

The smartest of the group, General Sharpener is second in command. With a strangely high IQ, Sharpener can somehow work with machinery. His weapon of choice is a pencil lance, which he can repair with ease due to his pencil sharpener-y nature.

Sharpener is often indifferent in situations, but in dire climaxes tends to come up with the best way to go. When put in temporary command Sharpener can work efficiently, but can rarely ever surpass that of B's experience.

During the elections, Sharpener worked as B's advisor, consistently feeding him lines to keep his reputation up to a sorta-decent level. He doesn't really know much about politics either, though, so he mainly just compiles an index of buzzwords that sound political enough. When in doubt, his go-to line that's bound to collect support like moths to a flame is "we're going to solve world hunger, for the children!!" He's used that line to end all of his interviews during the campaign as B's campaign manager, and it's probably one of the major reasons why B gained so much support.

Pencilsmith[edit]

Oh, you can absolutely create an explosion the size of the Ski Hill with some plastic utensils and sticky tack! It's all in the craftsmanship.
 
— Pencilsmith

Pencilsmith is a well-rounded weapons expert. His contents somehow keep regenerating and thus can be useful in combat. His preferred weapon - a fork, uh, pitchfork, is a long-range attack weapon that can also be thrown. Pencilsmith loves destruction, but usually thinks of lives over bombs. He is very loyal to B.

Pencilsmith acts as Captain B's PR-man... err, PR-case? What would you call that? Anyway, during elections, if you happen to see what appears to be an elementary student's art project that vaguely looks like an ad campaign for Captain B, then you're looking at this guy's handiwork. Apparently, while setting up a rig that would make it so that penguins riding the Ski Lift would see a poster of Captain B as they went up, he caused the whole thing to break down, then short out, then explode, and then ultimately culminate in a calamitous avalanche that caused the entire Ski Hill to crumble. Probably shouldn't have used all those plastic utensils and paper clips on an electrically powered ski lift. It took several days of Rollback Gun work for the Ski Hill to be completely restored. Regardless, penguins ignored the catastrophic disaster that unfolded in front of their very eyes and just gazed at the ad campaigns, nostalgically reminiscing on their school days, and gave their support to B. Strange how convoluted that is, isn't it?

Wally[edit]

To this day, I don't know how I got into all of this.
 
— Wally

Wally is the... secretary-slash-mascot? He has a somewhat more sane personality, though he still follows through with orders. He fires coins as a ranged attack, and uses a credit card as a melee weapon.

When it comes to the whole "let's try this whole politics thing with no prior knowledge and see how it goes" business, Wally mainly looks over everything, from within the team's campaign to what's going on in the outside world, to come up with some ideas to help B win. There's just one... slight problem, though. This guy can't read. So he'll walk over to the Coffee Shop or something, buy an issue of The Club Penguin Times with his endless supply of coins, plop down on the couch, and start looking at the pictures. He'll then try to figure out a story behind everything from there. The problem with that, though, is that he also doesn't know that the newspaper is divided into separate sections that contain completely different articles, so he ends up creating a completely absurd explanation to why a penguin in sunglasses popped out of a pile of candy in the middle of some penguins singing. To be fair, what he comes up with isn't nearly as sanity-crushing as the antics of the other three, but there are very few sane ways you can respond to "So two penguins were sitting somewhere, and then they saw a bear sleeping, so then they all got together and danced. But that dance was apparently a secret ritual to turn the bear into a big sand rock thing that had two other penguins and a puffle on top of it, but I guess they didn't do that right, because a big wheel of faces turned up instead. Then it started shooting other faces and pens or something."

Quotes[edit]

  • Donal Tenorio: And as you all can see, this orange subspecies has absolutely no idea what he's talking about!
  • Captain B: Alright, that does it! Pencilsmith, Wally, give me some fire!
  • (Pencilsmith and Wally hork up a rubber band and a coin)
  • General Sharpener: Boss, I'm not too sure this is a good idea.
  • Captain B: Alright. (to the crowd) Does anyone object to me shooting this weird-lookin' coin into that man's eye?
  • (the crowd is silent)
  • Captain B: Score one for silent majority! Kabang!
  • (Tenorio gets rubber band'd)
  • Donal Tenorio: Ow! Someone arrest this guy already!
  • Captain B: sharpener, what do i say here?
  • General Sharpener: (whispering something)
  • Captain B: Right! As a member of the Independent Party, I have diplomatic immunity to the first amendment of the United States Articles of Confederation!
  • Donal Tenorio: That's not how that works! That's not how any of that works!!

  • Announcer: And today, we have two of our independent presidential candidates, Captain B and... uhh, some guy. Now, candidates, how do you plan on improving the geopolitical situation of our US of Antarctica?
  • Some guy: (two different simultaneous voices, for some reason) Uhh, what's a geopolitical? (fumbling in "his" coat; the next voice is clearly not the same one(s)) *ahem*, I mean, I think all of this would easily be solved if the users would just learn to get along.
  • (crowd mumbles)
  • Captain B: (without knowing who the "users" are)Hey, I like this guy! I think I agree, though personally, my solution would involve a lot of slapping. We like to do that. A lot.
  • Some guy: (another voice) YEAH! VIOLENCE!
  • Captain B: BOOYAH!
  • (the "two" candidates then start talking about oceans and robots and something about really big brown penguins, to the crowd's confusion)

  • Captain B: Yeah, before we start, can I comment on what you're wearing? What the heck is that combination? You're just like... monochrome or something. And the colors you do have don't really mesh all that well! What's bright red doing with dull purple?
  • Megg: Hey, this is cool, you know! It's my political duty to wear only the trendiest styles.
  • Captain B: Oh, trends. That explains the lack of color balancing.
  • Megg: Aren't you essentially naked?
  • Captain B: Well it's better than what you've got!
  • (crowd is completely silent, except for Pencilsmith, who cheers, going "OOOH, SICK BURN!!")

  • Reporter: Sir, multiple political candidates are expressing disdain regarding your, and I quote, "complete lack of understanding of how politics work at all." What's your response?
  • Captain B: Eh, what do I care? We do what we want, and this country seems to love me enough, so I'm cool with that. Speaking of candidates, though, you know who really shouldn't have been cut from the vote? That big gun that was on the vote for like five hours. Now that's a man I wanna talk to.

Trivia[edit]

  • They are neither ninjas, nor Secret Agents. They consider themselves a separate, elite commando group.
  • They are scarcely smaller then Penghis Khan.
  • For some reason, in every Super Smash Mates game since Brawl, The Four Unknown have been unlockable characters.
    • In both Brawl and Super Smash Mates 4, Captain B is the last character to be unlocked, although unlocking him is significantly easier in SSM4.
    • The team was grouped into one character in Super Smash Mates U.B.E.R., although they retain their position of being the last unlockable characters.
  • The Madagascar Penguins consider them rivals due to their similarities to each other.
    • Neither side was particularly happy about the Penguins becoming waveform mates to the Four in U.B.E.R.
  • The Sapie Brothers claim to recognize them from their... "secluded penguin colony."
  • Most people call them the "Four". The public considered calling them the initials of "Four Unknown", but then they were mysteriously compelled to never say that out loud.

See also[edit]