The Moon Mission
|This tale has been told! It's done!|
|The Moon Mission|
Antarctica from the Moon
|Date||3rd March 2009|
|Location||The Moon, PASA HQ.|
On 3rd March 2009 at 2400 hours (Midnight), Explorer arrived back from signing the treaty. The board of directors then proposed a moon mission, as it was in accordance with the treaty. Kwiksilver, who was on PASA's astronaut team was chosen, but no other astronauts seemed suitable for the task. Explorer volunteered. They were led outside to the launching pad, where G was banging a hammer at a large rocket. The transcript is recorded as follows:
- Kwiksilver and Explorer walk up to G, who is banging a hammer on a large rocket.
Kwiksilver: What's that?
G: It's your moon rocket. I call it the Jupiter V 3000. I've been building it for months ever since the HEATBLAST crashed. Come inside.
The group walks into the rocket. A space-age exterior greets them.
Explorer: So, where's the control pad?
G: Over there. (points to large silver control panel with waffles sticking out of it)
The control pad also has a banana accelerator stick, a pot plant key and a plastic bobble head dog on the dashboard.
Kwiksilver (looking confused):....Whaaaaa--?
G: Hey, I used what I had, okay? Now get strapped in. You leave in five minutes.
END OF TRANSCRIPT 1
START TRANSCRIPT 2
Explorer and Kwiksilver are in spacesuits, and strapped into silver leather seats. Explorer is fumbling with his seat belt. A countdown timer is counting down.
G: We are due to launch in T-Minus 10 seconds. Please prepare yourself for freakishly strong G-Forces. We urge you to strap on your seat belts.
Mayor McFlapp is counting. The insane spelling is to show how "bally" the Mayor's accent is.
Explorer: Stupid belt! (fumbles with belt)
Explorer fumbles with the belt a bit more
Belt still won't go in
Explorer: * @ ; ^ % ! (asterisk at sign semicolon caret percent exclamation mark!!)
Explorer gives up
Explorer grabs the waffle on the control pad for dear life.
Explorer shuts eyes, trembling
Kwiksilver: Explorer? Didn't you know that was only a practice?
Explorer smiles sheepishly
END OF TRANSCRIPT 2
G: Okay. Now, as you probably know, this is not the Planet X play. This is a very specific mission. We will launch the Jupiter V 3000 out of the atmosphere, which will orbit the earth as its rocket stages disengage. I should remind you that the Jupiter V 3000 is a very powerful rocket, with tons and tons of thrust. Hopefully, you've used the centrifuge and tested the G-Forces before.
Kwiksilver: WHAT CENTRIFUGE?!
G: Anyway... should the rocket fail to automatically guide itself, you pull the banana and drive it manually. Remember that you would be controlling tons and tons of multi-million coin thrust, so don't let a spaz drive it. The program should execute itself. Expect a tilt halfway up, and weightlessness soon afterward. We will sweep you around the earth seven times before engaging the boosters into lunar orbit.
Kwiksilver: In English, please?
G: We'll shoot you in space where you will go around the earth before going to the moon.
G: Be aware that alien spacecraft have been sighted. From my telescope, it seems to be a white airplane with large engines sticking out of it. Since they may be hostile, please refrain from frustrating them.
Explorer: (under his breath) NASA...
G: Engaging carp drive...
Kwiksilver: THAT WAS THE PLAY!
G: I know. (laughter) I was just messing with you.
G: We will launch the rocket for real in T-Minus 15 Seconds.
Kwiksilver: (distracted) Why do they call it T-Minus, Explorer?
Mayor McFlapp is counting yet again.
Explorer: Actually, the Minus part means that the mission begins when the countdown hits zero.
- Threy!!! (3)::
Explorer: The clock counts up after--Kwiksilver, hold on!
Kwiksilver was not ready for the launch and is now screaming.
::...and we have the bally liftoff of the Jupiter V 3000! They are currently climbing into the stratosphere, wot? Hey, don't disturb my goldfish bowl up there, will ya?::
::They're into the exosphere... sahs up there, for the next three minutes, we will be unable to bally speak to you as you exit the atmosphere, wot? Please remain calm, that's supp- zzzzz!::
Kwiksilver: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WE'VE LOST CONTACT!
Explorer: (screaming) NO, KWIKSILVER! THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU REACH A CERTAIN PART OF LAUNCH! WE'RE INSIDE THE VAN ALLEN RADIATION BELT!
The radio comes back on.
G: Okay. I'm back, you're safe. I see you did not pull the banana. The program worked!
Kwiksilver sighs with relief as the rocket slows down.
G: Prepare for orbit around earth, and weightlessness... now.
Explorer and Kwiksilver are floating.
END OF TRANSCRIPT 3
START OF TRANSCRIPT 4
The moon rocket is orbiting the earth. Inside is a bored team of floating astronauts.
Kwiksilver: So we have to wait until we stop orbiting?
Explorer: Yes. Then we have to wait three days before we reach the moon. We'll circle it once, take pretty pictures, land, explore, and come back.
Kwiksilver: THREE DAYS?!
Explorer: What did you think? Do you just magically appear on the moon after a few minutes of flight? This is SCIENCE!
Kwiksilver: I always thought that was the case.
Explorer: ... (Rolls eyes)
G: We've sighted that airplane thing I was talking about before.
An unidentified spacecraft comes into view. It has NASA written on the side. Inside it, are two human astronauts.
NASA Mission Control: (in heavy Texan accent) We have sighted an unidentified object on your scanners. What is it, over?
James Aldrin: It..it...it looks like a spacecraft, over.
NASA Mission Control: What in tarnation? What kind of spacecraft? A flying saucer? An X-wing?
James Aldrin: It seems to be it looks like a red and yellow striped Saturn V... it's orbiting at an angle that indicates exit of the planet's gravity and, wait... Wait, there's a penguin with a propeller cap waving at us out of a window! I can make out a space suit in the background!
NASA Mission Control: Jim, have you been stupefied? Hand me over to Buzz!
Buzz Armstrong: Hi, mission control. Let's see...What? There... there really is a penguin with a propeller cap waving at us! There's another one with him, he's wearing a beanie!
NASA Mission Control: What the-- well, then, if this penguin is real, put him on the speaker!
Buzz scribbles on a piece of paper and holds it up to the window. It says, WHO ARE YOU?
Explorer holds up some paper saying, ASTRONAUTS FROM PASA. EXPLORER AND KWIKSILVER.
Buzz Armstrong: They say they're from somewhere called the PASA. They're called Explorer and Kwiksilver, apparently.
Buzz holds up more paper. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOING TO THE MOON
Buzz: They're going to the moon!
NASA Mission Control: What? are they Russian? Quickly, get them on speaker!
Buzz holds up paper. ARE YOU RUSSIAN?
Explorer picks up his communicator and contacts Mission Control.
Explorer: Hello... (smirks) NASA.
NASA Mission Control: WHAT?! Who are you? Who authorized your space launch? ARE YOU RUSSIAN?
Kwiksilver: (in background) What's a Russian? Is that some kind of tubed pasta?
Explorer: We're from the PASA corporation. Chris knows about it.
NASA Mission Control: Surely he doesn't mean Christopher Scolese?
Chris picks up the communicator.
Chris: YOU AGAIN?!
Chris: YOU'RE HEADING TO THE MOON?
Chris: We got there first. In 1969.
Explorer: Of course. This is our first time.
Chris: ...but.. b-but... we are the only ones who did that!
Explorer: Not anymore, NASA!
The PASA rocket roars off.
NASA Mission Control: James, Buzz... you are to never speak of this.
James: That's a can-do.
Buzz: Another classified conspiracy theory the public should never know?
Chris: Roger that!
James: ...and if we tell...
NASA Mission Control: You don't.
Buzz: The PASA singed the Treaty, right?
Chris: Roger that. They also poured water on me.
James: Okay. We'll head home now. I need a psychiatrist... now.
NASA Mission Control: That's a can-do! Prepare to land the shuttle!
END OF TRANSCRIPT 4
START TRANSCRIPT 5
Three days have passed. Nothing important happened on the way.
The PASA lunar module touches down on the moon, knocking over a foreign flag. The flag has numerous stripes of white and red, with blue in the corner.
The rocket doors open, and Kwiksilver slowly walks out down the rocket steps holding the USA flag.
Kwiksilver (about to step on the moon): That's one small step for a penguin, but a giant step for...
Explorer jumps out and lands on Kwiksilver, and gets squashed. His space suit is unharmed.
Kwiksilver: ...penguin-kind. *sigh*
Explorer sticks the flag in the ground.
Explorer: We did it! We're the first penguins on the moon!
Kwiksilver takes pictures of the Earth and Antarctica while Explorer takes out the moon buggy.
Explorer: Come on! Hop in!
Kwiksilver: (juggling moon rocks) Look! I'm juggling... on the moon!
Explorer: We're here for learning, not- hey! You're pretty good!
Kwiksilver: I don't want to learn! I'm here for fun!
Explorer wants to benefit and science and have fun at the same time. Since Kwiksilver won't give up the moon rocks, Explorer tricks him. He takes out a moon rock holding box.
Explorer: Hey Kwiksilver! Toss the rocks in here, see if I can catch them!
Kwiksilver: GO LONG!
Kwiksilver tosses the moon rocks, which slowly float a long distance. Explorer hops in his bulky space suit to catch them. He succeeds.
Kwiksilver: Want to play MOON GOLF?
Kwiksilver takes out a golf bag and golf clubs he somehow stuffed in his space suit.
Explorer: All right!
Explorer hits the ball with the driver golf club. It escapes the moon's extremely thin atmosphere.
Explorer: ...I should have used the putter.
A distant flash of light is seen. No sound is heard (space is silent because it has no air), but something happened.
Explorer: (nervous) ...I think I broke something important.
Meanwhile, at NASA Mission Control...
Chief Mission Contoller : ...something hit the Solar and Heliospheric Observatory. It's broken.
NASA Minion 1: SOHO? The one that observes the sun?
Chief Mission Contoller: That's the one.
Nasa Minion 1: WHAT?! ...but that means no more pretty sun pictures!
Chief Mission Controller: Affirmative.
Nasa Minion 1: OH NOEZ! TEH SUN PICTUREZ!
Chief Mission Controller: Yes. We can't observe the sun for a while.
Nasa Minion 1: ...but I send those pictures to my wife because I never remember her anniversary!
Nasa Minion 2: Well, no SOHO, no solar pictures.
Nasa Minion 1: BUT SHE LOVES THE ULTRAVIOLET SOLAR PICTURES THE MOST! AND YOU KNOW SOHO IS THE ONLY SATELLITE THAT I CAN GET ULTRAVIOLET PICTURES FROM! (sobs and bangs head on desk)
Nasa Minion 2: Too bad.
Nasa Minion 1 weeps uncontrollably.
Back on the moon...
Explorer: Quick! Toss these moon rocks into the box!
Kwiksilver does so, merrily hopping around, enjoying the moon's low gravity. He stops, and gasps.
Kwiksilver: ...Explorer... I found a footprint.
Explorer looks at the footprint.
Explorer: (annoyed) ...NASA...
Kwiksilver: Oh. I though it was an alien footprint.
Explorer: There are no aliens on the moon. There is no air here, which is why we wear space- ...Kwiksilver? Where are you?
Explorer rushes over to see the problem. Suddenly, a crature wearing with a sinister green, tiki-mask face pops out from behind a lunar boulder.
Explorer: AAAAAHHHHH! IT DEFIES ALL LOGIC! AAAAALLLLLIIIIIIEEEEENNNNNSSSSSSS!!
Then, there is a flash of light. The alien takes off its mask. It's Kwiksilver!
Explorer: I wasn't scared!
Kwiksilver laughs and holds a photograph of Explorer cowering in fear.
Explorer: Ha ha. Very funny.
G contacts the astronauts.
G: Explorer, Kwiksilver, it's time to come home. I picked up a scream on your communicator. Are you all right?
Explorer: Yes. I'm fine. Kwisksilver pranked me.
G: HE PRANKED YOU?! WOW!
Explorer: I know. I fell for it! I am such a noob!
G: You may have to make The Troublesome Quartet!
Explorer: No! HE'S NOT THAT GOOD A PRANKER!
G: Okay. Take your moon rocks and dust and come home.
They do so. All the way home, Kwiksilver teases Explorer.
Kwiksilver: YOU GOT OWNED! I scared you!
Explorer: Did not!
Kwiksilver: Did too!
This continued until they landed.
END OF ALL TRANSCRIPTS
The rocket landed in the ocean near Shiverpool, Antarctica. Explorer and Kwiksilver were welcomed as heroes. NASA sent another letter to PASA asking how it happened. Explorer gave him the transcripts and said it wasn't part of the treaty NOT to let missions go ahead. The spaceship crew of NASA's spaceship were committed to an asylum but freed by NASA later on.
About the Golf Ball...
Six months later, PASA received information from NASA that the golf ball, driven on by Explorer's wild swing, had flown around the sun and had obtained a Mars-centered elliptical orbit with a 4:3 mean motion resonance to that of Phobos. According to Christopher, the periodical gravitational interactions between Phobos and the golf ball will cause "interesting phenomena" to happen, resulting in the golf ball crashing into Phobos, which in turn will cause Phobos to pass the Roche Limit, turn into a ring, and crash into Mars "a lot sooner than expected."
Translation?Melvin Turtleheimer came through and read the above writings, and after drooling a bit, managed to translate the text that no creature could understand, thus making it slightly easier to get:
"Given the Nerd Calculations that Explorer provided, the Golf Ball is orbiting Mars, Pluto style. For every 4 times the golf ball orbits around Mars, Phobos orbits 3 times. This is called orbital resonance, and it means that the gravitational interactions between Phobos and the golf ball happen every so-and-so and will make cool stuff happen. Over time, the interactions between Phobos and the golf ball will shrink the ball's orbit until it literally spirals into and HITS Phobos. There is no friction in Space, and Fig Newton's First Rule ensures that Phobos will be moved a bit. When the moon passes a certain limit, Mars' gravity will rip it limb... er, crater from crater. It will turn into a ring and will continue to move towards Mars until its pieces burn up in the planet's atmosphere as shooting stars. If a piece of broken foam can destroy a rocket, and a hydrogen bomb can stop a collision with the earth, who knows what a fast, orbiting golf ball can do?"
Main Article: The Great Reversal
Just a few days after the Moon Mission happened, Antarctica experienced another side effect of the wayward golf ball that Explorer hit. One of the pieces of wreckage from the SOHO satellite was eventually pulled into re-entry by Earth's gravity, causing it to impact near a construction site at Ternville. This caused a series of chain reactions involving a small wrench that ultimately jammed into the back of the Master Narrator's Organ, causing a universal glitch that transformed all the penguins into puffles and puffles into penguins! The event was deemed the Great Reversal and was solved by using G's Puffle-a-Tron 3000 to reverse the reversal.
Main Article: The Race to Mars
This Mission made Swiss Ninja really envious of Explorer. With the help of Austin and Rex, they created a mostrous ship that would help take them to Mars in at least three days. PASA also wanted to compete with the Snoss to Mars, and they too made a humongous ship. Many space battles occured, but it was confirmed that Clovis was the first penguin on Mars and Austin was the first penguin to place their nation's flag into the ground. In all respect, penguins did the impossible by beating the Human comany of NASA to Mars 20 years ahead of time.
- The Jupiter V rocket is actually significantly faster than the Saturn V. Why? The Earth has more rotational speed near the Equator than at the poles, and as such a rocket will launch faster at the Equator. However, since penguins are, sadly, confined to Antarctica, they are forced to launch closer to the poles and thus with less speed. To make up for this loss of speed, penguin-designed rocket engines are MUCH faster and more efficient than human-designed rocket engines. Launch the Jupiter V near the Equator and it would reach the moon's orbit within two days.