Too Weird for Words

This tale has been told! It's done!

Too Weird for Words is a short story about Dara framing Rocket Slug for her misdeeds, and when TS falls for it, things go downhill from there.

The story

Rocket Slug got up from the table to grab herself a can of soda. Her cellphone loudly rang with a weird ringtone.

"Hello?" she asked.

No reply.

She read the caller ID and realized it was Dara.

"RS, is that you?" Dara asked. Rocket Slug cracked open the pop-tab on her soda and took a swig.

"Dara, why are you calling me? I hardly even know you and why do you know my numbe...."

Suddenly, RS' older, ruder, and maybe-smarter sister, Agent Meltie, barged in and opened up the freezer.

"Where are the corn dogs?" she growled.

Rocket Slug immediately felt like a speck, tiny compared to her larger, older, and ruder sister. She may have felt a little dumber, too. "In the freezer, behind the Fish Pockets," she replied so quietly, it was nearly a whisper.

Agent Meltie snatched the soda off the table and squirted it all over her sister. "That's for being an idiot," she rudely commented.

"Hey, stop it!" RS thought she hung up, but Dara was still on the phone.

"Who's that talking in the background?"

RS grabbed her phone off the soda-soaked table. Surprisingly, the phone was waterproof, and sodaproof too.

"My evil sister," she replied. A long pause fell upon the sisters for five seconds.

"I'm gonna eat a corn dog now." Agent dug around the freezer for the corn dogs, which weren't behind the Fish Pockets, but behind the cream soda flavored ice cream, a large bag of Penguin Ice, rainbow sherbet, and Mabel-shaped Popsicles.

"Oh-kaaaaay?" Dara droned. "That's a shame."

RS burst out of her chair suddenly and awkwardly, grabbed a Mabel-shaped Popsicle, and licked it, chewed it, and stuck her whole beak over it to suck it up.

"Hello? Ah, did you hang up on me?!?" Dara asked.

"Yep," RS replied. She stuck the Popsicle in her mouth and hung up.

Meanwhile, Dara grunted angrily.

Rocket Slug finished the popsicle and read the advertisement that was printed on every stick. "Join the MMK today! And remember, you CAN have just one Porito!"

---

"Well, I know what I'm gonna do today," Dara smiled evilly and rubbed her flippers together. She caught a flight to South Pole City and was laughing maniacally on the way there. Dara waved a dirty sock in the pilot's face, watched him faint, and took over, making an epic fail to crash into RS' backyard.

"What the Dashie was that?!?" RS ran out back and saw a destroyed plane on top of her skateboard, which was now cracked in two. She shivered in fear and ran inside.

Dara, meanwhile, was waving a piece of cardboard outside the window that said "Rocket Slug and her Mean Sister." RS couldn't quite read it; she needs glasses but refuses, and squeaked, scared.

Suddenly, a new idea popped into Rocket's head like a light bulb. She grabbed some lime green Penguin Paint (imported from Club Penguin Island), a fat suit, and a hideous old-lady dress. She opened the front door and cleared her throat, a preparation for using a goofy accent.

"Are you-a da deliver-eh man with-a my brand-new bagel-a machine?" asked RS in her obviously fake accent.

"Who are you?" Dara wondered. At first she thought she may have been a little lost, or the plane ended up somewhere else.

"I-a am-a da house-a-keepah. And I-a saw-a your sign-a out back-a," she replied.

Dara raised an eyebrow to the penguin, and asked a question that may blow RS' cover: "Didn't Rocket look out back?" RS paused. "Yes-a, she-a did-a. And then she-a ran into her-a bedroom to prepare for-a....guitar lessons," RS replied.

"I don't care."

RS ran into the bedroom as her sister ran into the computer room.

RS quickly changed, shouted, "Rocket-a Slug-a!" in her goofy fake accent, and clapped her flippers together, loudly, to make it seem like the housekeeper was hurt. She came out as herself and frowned.

"My sister slapped the housekeeper and knocked her out cold."

Dara was immediately interested and smiled wickedly. "Neat, how did she do that without the mess?"

Rocket's heart throbbed. The computer blasted heavy metal music and AM came out. "Hey, stupid, what's up?"

RS swallowed hard and ran into her bedroom. She came back wearing a suit of armor and a shield. She then remembered something important.

"TURTLESHROOM'S COMING HERE SOON!" she squealed. She pulled off her battle suit to reveal her typical outfit for a normal day: a rocket t-shirt, checkered skirt, and hi-tops. RS cleared her throat, smoothed down her hair, and waited by the front door.

"What the Dashie do you see in him?" Dara wondered aloud.

RS turned her head. "Nothing, because he's just a friend."

Agent Meltie, having heard the conversation, peeked her head in from the kitchen. "Y'know, RS, he's celebate, right?"

"Isn't that some sort of vegetable? Celebate?"

"That's celery, RS. Celebate means he won't date or get married."

Rocket Slug sighed. "Aw..." She smacked herself back to normal. "I mean, uh, very interesting."

Agent added sarcastically, "Nice cover-up."

"Well, I gotta open the door," RS said, opening the door slowly and welcoming TS in.

"Hi, 'sup?" she asked, cocking her head in question.

"I'm doing good, Rocket Slug, thank you." replied TS, bowing slightly, as he so did. He stepped into the living room. "Thanks for inviting me here!"

"No prob," RS added. She gestured towards the massage chair and the flat screen TV. TurtleShroom sat down in the fancy massage chair. He let out a sigh of comfort as the seat vibrated. Rocket grabbed the remote and turned it on a random cartoon channel. She then set it down on a coffee table close to TS.

Agent Meltie stuffed the rest of the corn dog into her mouth. "Hi," she said with her mouth full, chunks of corn dog and mustard flying all over the place.

RS shielded her face and asked, "How long, exactly, have you been eating that corn dog?"

"This one?" she asked, pointing to her stuffed cheeks. "Ten minutes." Agent replied.

Dara sighed heavily. "Well, I guess I'll go steal her diary, or something like that," said Dara, searching in RS' drawers, then into the guest bedroom. Agent followed along with a stupid smile on her face.

"You're evil, too?" asked Agent.

Dara nodded and smiled. "Misery. It's my job."

"She keeps a blog, FYI." Agent Meltie stated. "AwesomeRocket.net, to be exact. It's in her Bookmarks." Dara waited impatiently for the page to load.

Three minutes later, Dara was growling psychotically. She bashed a window in anger. The noise was so loud, Rocket and TS could not hear the TV.

"What was that?!?" asked RS.

"I have no idea, but we will in due time. Stay put, and I'll find out what's amiss."

TurtleShroom reached into his inventory and took out his Deletion Rod.

---

As RS was told, she stayed in the living room and watched TV as if nothing was going on.

TS tried to find the guest bedroom where all the noise was coming from. Dara was in there, breaking the decorations of the room.

TurtleShroom finally found the guest bedroom, as it was labeled, "GUEST BEDROOM!!!" .

"ROCKET SLUG! Come forth, NOW!" he screamed. RS dropped the remote and ran into the room, and if it was possible, her jaw would have fallen to the floor. The entire room was strewn with shattered rocks, skew fabrics stretched to ripping, wrecked furniture, and shards of video games. Dara entered the room from the closet, and screamed. Rocket Slug cast a dark glare at Dara, aware that she just decimated her possessions.

---

TurtleShroom turned to see Dara, and he grinned warmly.

"Dara! Hello friend, it's so good to see you again!"

The dictator opened his arms and Dara returned the embrace, as Rocket Slug's head metaphorically exploded. She whispered to TurtleShroom, as he nodded for a moment, before standing back to full height.

"You... KNOW her?" RS stuttered.

"Oh, Rocket Slug, I apologize. This is Dara. She helped me fulfill my word when I was in a tight spot. Agreeing to help me with my problem, this adorable little robed girl let Metalmanager stay with her for a pleasant vacation! She's a close friend of mine, and now yours!"

Rocket Slug could not respond. "...w-what?"

"It seems that the burglar ran away when Dara entered, but not before he shoved her into this closet. She prevented your property from being stolen... -but alas, she couldn't prevent it from being destroyed. Crime. I hate it."

Rocketta's stomach churned like butter, and her eye twitched. Dara had TS under her thumb, so to speak. Dara was going to get away scot-free!

Then, though, RS remembered something and ran outside. As she did, Dara began her ploy as TS began his formal legal junk.

"Dara, my good friend, if we want to trap the scumbag that trashed Miss Slug's room, we must have as much evidence as possible, and therefore, I need your help. As a firsthand witness, I'll need all you can tell me. THEN I'll sic the Inqu- ....I shall call the proper authorities. Yes... proper authorities."

Dara, meanwhile, mastering "the Look," nodded cutely.

"I know it was traumatic, but you MUST tell me all."

---

Rocket ran to a window where a tripod and a camera stood positioned into the guest's bedroom. Always paranoid, she had long secured her igloo with constant internal and external surveillance. The camera had been taping the whole thing from her backyard. Taking a cord and making a quick means of connecting, she synced its data to her Ice-Phone, now moving it off the camera and onto the phone for TS to see.

"ROCKET SLUG! Dara bears witness to the tragedy!"

"I can't hear you!" RS shouted, walking back in and towards the room, the phone in her back pocket.

"HOW ABOUT NOW?" TS shouted, louder.

"Yes, I can hear you now. No need to yell."

TurtleShroom paused to look at Dara. "Dara, as you wished, she's here. Rocket Slug, Dara wants to tell you what happened and refused to confide until you entered."

Dara smirked at RS. She wanted her to watch TurtleShroom buy her lies.

Beginning her fake tears, Dara sniffled. "They broke in and smashed everything, Mister Jones! The television, the Vii system, the glass unicorn, the pet rock collection, ALL OF IT!! I tried to stop him, I tried to defend Rocket Slug's rightful property, but I was overpowered... he... he locked me in the CLOSET!"

"NOT MY PET ROCK COLLECTION!!!!!" RS bellowed. She stopped to run for her life. Dara, meanwhile, was giving the Look again.

TurtleShroom glared deeply, as he held the Deletion Rod in one flipper, tapping the crook of it against his other flipper like an angered teacher would with a ruler.

"Rocket Slug, I understand your misery."

Dara giggled at the word "misery". TS snapped his head to look at her, but she returned to her "sweet little girl" look.

"-but worry not. This criminal will wish he never existed after I'm done with him. Now, describe the perpetrator."

Rocket Slug, in pure boredom, left and turned on a Robert O'vian rerun. "HAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAA!" bellowed the television.

Agent Meltie slapped her flipper on her beak. How could TurtleShroom fall for all of that?

"I didn't see who did it... -but I bet he was big and mean!" Dara sniffled innocently.

---

Metalmanager, being invisible, was hiding in the house the whole time, turned visible and stood in the middle of the guest bedroom, careful not to make his flippers bleed from the broken things and shards of glass.

"Are we in a heated debate? I'd gladly join in."

"Sure, my sweet passion-fruit poet." Agent Meltie batted her eyelashes and stood next to her so-called boyfriend.

"I WAS VIDEOTAPING THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!" Rocket screamed. She ran into the room, waving her Ice-Phone around.

TurtleShroom was confused, but also very impressed. "You installed a surveillance system? Epic, Rocket Slug, epic! I didn't know you knew how to do that..."

RS shrugged. "I took an old spy camera and readied it outside, then I transferred the spy camera's videos to my phone. Press this button. Catch!"

"Rocket Slug, I have bad cat-"

She threw TS the phone and he failed to catch it. The smart phone fell to the floor. Dara grabbed it and deleted the file before handing it to TurtleShroom.

"There you are, Mr. Jones. One video of evidence." she smiled kindly.

"Thank you Dara." TS replied, returning the smile.

TS observed the phone.

"I see no evidence. Just some portraits of you spazzing out, some picture of a bookbag, a penguin with great hair, a labcoat, and a pair of glasses in your yard..." TS paused at that. "...-and, uh..."

TS showed the phone to RS, who shivered of embarrassment.

"This portrait of you donning a polka-dotted bikini."

RS growled and mimicked Dara, crossing her flippers in frustration. "There you are, Mr. Jones. Myeh yeh yeh." She then started to mumble: "She makes me sick. I MUST DESTROY THE ENEMY!"

RS charged towards Dara and made her scream.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" TS bellowed.

There was no time to react. Like a baseball player swinging a bat, TurtleShroom swung the Deletion Rod and clobbered Rocket Slug across the room with a mighty "CRACK". Rocket grew unconscious, both by the force and the power of the item.

TurtleShroom smiled and sighed with relief. His reflexes are amazing in some fields. Putting the rod back in his inventory, he wiped his flippers on each other.

Dara fought off false tears. "She tried to hurt me!"

Agent put in a piece of gum and sat down for a spell. "This is better than movie night at Christina's!"

Suddenly, Phineas34720 walked in, holding a steaming Fish Pocket. "Rocket, I told you not to burn them! Wait, where is she?"

TS gestured to the fallen Rocket Slug, who had made a penguin-shaped dent in the wall when she fell.

"She's learned her less-" He stopped. "Who are you?"

"I'm Phineas, her brother, and I'm ticked off that she burned the Fish Pocket."

TurtleShroom groaned. "There are things of greater severity, kid. I had to take your sister out because she tried to assault poor Dara here." He gestured to Dara, who was performing the Look with tears in her eyes. "She's Dara, just to let you know."

Metal became visible again. "BOO!" he yelled. TS screamed like a girl and Phineas rolled his eyes.

"MERCY!" shouted TS.

"That's mah name!" Metal replied. He then tapped his beak and thought. "Or my last name..."

Rocky interrupted them by waking up with a huge pink bump on her head, making her flat, dull hair have more volume than usual.

"AAAH! ZOMBIE!" squealed MM. He leaped into Agent M's arms, making her bat her eyelashes and smile at him again.

"Metal! Come here!" said RS in a very zombielike manner.

"NO I DON'T WANNA BE A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed from Agent's arms.

TS rolled his eyes. "Metalmanager, I whacked her with my Deletion Rod. It isn't lethal. She's very alive and well... at least on body. I question her sanity."

"OK, well, I thought she was a zombie."

RS screamed, "I'M NOT A ZOMBIE...OR CRAZY!!!!"

Dara thought to herself that she was surrounded by imbeciles.

"Rocket Slug, why did you try and assault poor Dara like that?" asked TS, then he remembered something. "Oh, Metal, how was your vacation?"

"TurtleShroom, she broke into my house and I thought it was about a battle. No lie." RS applied.

TS frowned. "The burglary is established, Rocket Slug. We must apprehend the culprit."

"SHE'S RIGHT THERE! DARA!"

Dara gasped.

"TurtleShroom, she's going to hit me again!"

TurtleShroom put his flipper around Dara. "I know, Dara, I know. She's crazy and will not get you again."

"So, yeah, they didn't have any grilled cheese sandwiches and I spent the rest of my vacation eating moldy bread and burnt butter-and then there was Dara." Metal explained, making a face because he recalled the disgusting food-and Dara.

TS turned to Metalmanager and frowned. "I apologize for hearing that. Dara insisted that Chi Con was a magnificent place of gleaming splendor and decency."

"Only in Royal Town, dude, only in Royal Town... -and even then."

"...-didn't you stay there?"

"They broke in and trashed the guest room!" Dara bellowed, changing the subject. TS was immediately distracted.

"I want peanut butter." Rocket Slug frowned.

Dara grabbed peanut butter from her inventory. Why she had some, no one knows. "I've got some!"

"HEY! This is a guest bedroom! Can I have it?"

"NO WAY! PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Aw."

TS gestured to Dara. "Well, I guess somebody came prepared." He chuckled.

Rocky jerked the peanut butter and opened it. Dara giggled evilly and quietly when everyone had focused on RS, jerking a jar open on a bed covered in broken glass. Unfortunately, RS didn't know what was in the jar, but it definitely wasn't peanut butter. It was something straight from the Icarius SadCo catalog. Rocket, not knowing what was in the jar, licked the paper tab from the top and plunged her flipper into it, shoved that into her mouth, and smiled at the delicious taste of her favorite snack. That smile turned into a sick frown. Her stomach lurched. Dara's evil grin grew wider and she rubbed her flippers together evilly.

"Oh no," TS moaned.

"It expired...." RS said aloud, squinting at the expiration date and lot number.

"This.....lot number.... it's....A TEN AFTER A 20 WITH A PERCENT SIGN!" Her words slurred and ran into each other like bad traffic at midnight.

"Let me see that! The expiration date is September 5th, 1915." TS blinked, and then made a sick face himself. "By Harry Whittington's face..... this is apparently Khanzanian peanut butter. -Almost a hundred years old... -and you... YOU ATE IT."

Metal whipped out a shovel from nowhere and dusted the glass off a chair before he sat. "I agree, Shovel. I don't like her attitude."

RS' head throbbed. "Shovel?" she whined quietly and weakly. "Why?"

Dara held her head down in shame. "I didn't know about the peanut butter.....I'm sorry." She made her eyes big and pleading and looked up to TS.

"Well, now our dear friend RS knows not to make the same mistake twice." TS stroked Dara's back.

Suddenly, Rocket Slug threw up on Dara. TS displayed a grotesque expression and grabbed his chest. Appalled at such unsanitary filth, he fell to the floor. The loud clanging of his crown followed, and the dictator was out cold.

"PWNED!" MM spoke for his shovel like a child might do with a stuffed animal.

Dara whipped a rude look at Metal and his talking shovel.

"What?"

---

RS dragged herself into the bathroom and...something unspeakable happened. (I feel terribly sorry for the pipes and plumbing.)

TS laid on the floor a while, until Dara threw some water on him.

"I MISTOOK HIM FOR A WALRUS IN THE FIELD!" TurtleShroom shouted, shooting up from the floor. "THE SHOOTING WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"Rocket Slug hit you and you fainted, TurtleShroom, and LOOK! She threw up on me! ALL OVER ME! She's out to get me, Mr. Jones!" Dara screamed and gestured at her vomit-covered robes.

TurtleShroom nodded. "You may be right, Dara... -and as for hitting me..."

Rocky emerged out of the bathroom, leaning on the side of the doorframe. She still looked sick and weak. "HA-HA, MIGHT! BECAUSE DARA'S WRONG! WRONG LIKE SYE! SYE'S ALWAYS WRONG! ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!" She paused. "What am I even saying.....Sye's usually right."

"Hmph, I agree, Shovel." Metal nodded and smiled.

TurtleShroom smacked RS over the head with the Deletion Rod again. She fainted.

"That's what you get for knocking me out and regurgitating on Dara!"

"HUSH EVERYONE! Shovel would like to make his statement!"

Everyone looked at the shovel, bewildered.

The shovel fell over.

"SOMEPENGUIN, GET A DOCTOR!" Metal screamed.

"Too weird for words." mumbled Phineas and Agent together.

Characters involved

• Rocket Slug
• Dara
• Metalmanager
• TurtleShroom (penguin)
• Agent Meltie
• Phineas
• Metalmanager's shovel
• Rod of Jesse
• Rihanna and the Wedding Crashers