Jones Family

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The family's coat of arms.
The paternal side of TurtleShroom's Family is largely considered to be an ancient bloodline of fiscally cursed, powerful creatures with upper class connections. Their geneology records are extremely blurry. The Joneses are considered one of the big Five Families of Antarctica, even though they are the least known. They are a long-standing family tracing back hundreds of years, but did not really come into power until the 1950s, making them the newest of the Big Five.

TurtleShroom's maternal past is radically different. That side of the family is the more obscure Necisty line.

Traits[edit]

Despite their differences, all of the Jones members are said to possess at least one of these family traits.

  • Each Jones member seems to have hatched into little wealth, but hit it big late in life, but died penniless, each time to a disaster beyond their control.
    • The Joneses never hatch into wealth. They always earn it and lose it at death.
  • They, in some manner, have either blood or network connections to leaders in government, business, or other institutions, no matter their own status. (In other words, even the lowly farmers "knew people".)
  • If they have hair, it's raven black. They will either have a lot of hair or be so bald that the feathers upon their head shine.
  • Joneses members are famous for their wisdom and insight on events.
    • This isn't to say though, that they are eloquent speakers. Some Joneses have perfect grammar, others butcher it. For instance, Hermeshroom bares elevated diction and spotless grammar, while Shroo is illiterate and speaks in tongue so slurred that his court reporter just writes it verbatim to avoid having to translate it.
    • The generational gap between this is huge. All of the oldest Joneses have horrible grammar, all the new have fantastic grammar.
    • Excluding Hermeshroom, all of them boast whimsical accents or speech defects.
  • Every single last one of them are all gullible and far too trusting of others. OH SO GULLIBLE.
  • They are always extreme. There is no such thing as a moderate Jones. They are either as pure as snow or corrupt as Marcos of the Finipines. They are either loud or silent, spastic or calm in everything they do, manipulative or manipulated.
  • They all tattle... so much...
  • Even the least of them are always proud of what they do.
  • They have a work ethic so strong it is scary.
  • They are superstitious and paranoid.
  • All of them overreact, decide by emotions, and act on whims.
  • They are easily tricked.
  • They can't shoot straight, throw, or catch anything correctly. (Especially TurtleShroom, who once shot his own brother in a field, looking for Walruses.)

Breakdown[edit]

Living members[edit]

Those on the father's side, in order from oldest to youngest, and their relationship to TSP:

Deceased members[edit]

TurtleShroom's parents both died in 2001. Liber Jones was TurtleShroom's father. TurtleShroom lost his paternal grandmother, Valerie, in the 1970s. She was killed by Porkchop. Ivan Jones was killed by a natural disaster in 1998, but some think his death was a homicide by divine beings.

Members not yet known widely[edit]

Unless he or she goes public on their own, a Jones family member tends to keep well under the radar. This may be because of the family's rural heritage, paranoia, and quirky behavior, in addition to their string-pulling allegations and power unseen.

No family member speaks of the private relatives' lives, but through interviews and slip-ups, it is confirmed that...

  • TurtleShroom may have more brothers and sisters than he claims.
  • TurtleShroom's paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents are alive and well.
  • Each generation of TurtleShroom's family had many, many chicks. This means that TurtleShroom probably has huge amounts of aunts and uncles on all levels of generation.
    • Most, if not all, of these aunts and uncles are not married.
    • It is confirmed that "a lot" of Jones aunts and uncles are still extant. The problem, any member will tell (while smirking), is that "you just have to find them".

The Forbidden Ones[edit]

Lastly, there is a "set of ten creatures, a lawyer, and a puffle" that the entire family has kept silent on and literally fears to speak of. They call the band of rouges (as TS once put it) "The Forbidden Ones", or, alternatively, "The Bus".

Apparently, the oldest creature of this group is TurtleShroom's grandfather, the other nine TurtleShroom's maternal aunts and uncles, and one's a lawyer, and then there's a puffle. (The rest of the Jones family hates puffles.)

From what the family has mistakingly leaked, all of the Bus protect TurtleShroom's grandfather, who is a "danger to himself and to others". The lawyer is there on her own will, and she's attempted to land him in the loony bin for years, thought the aunts and uncles won't let her. Worse yet, the grandfather is on the move, and apparently has quite a vehicle to ride in. The family calls the vehicle "the Vessel of Diss".

The family never speaks of the Forbidden Ones unless by accident, but in ironic wiretaps of themselves, these items could be gathered. They never name the members of the Forbidden Ones by name, just by their group. Other items are aquired from time to time.

VOICE 1: Okay. We'll send the Bus an invitation to our family reunion, but it'll send them to 90-150, not where we shall convene.

OTHER VOICES: Right.

VOICE 1: We can't let him crash through the wall again.

OTHER VOICES: Right.

VOICE 1: Even though we all know the Forbidden Ones will somehow come to the reunion, we MUST try and prevent it.

*{OTHER VOICES sigh}*

OTHER VOICES: Right...
 
— Jones family meeting, Voice One theorized to be TurtleShroom
...-and remember, if you ever hear a shriek of 'WAHOO', you run for the hills. It is an unholy omen signalling the oncoming choas that is the Bus.
 
— TurtleShroom, to new Holyberden employees.
SAFETY TIP: To all employees that take public transport, NEVER board a strange bus when heading home. If you don't trust the driver, do not ride the bus. Always look for the signals of an evil bus.
ONE. There will be a penguin with curly hair and glasses in the front window. This is a forewarning, for the bird knows what is on that vessel of Diss; heed the shaking of his head.
TWO. The driver is insane. That, too, is a sign.
THREE. Remember, if you hear "WAHOO", you're in danger.

Evil bus drivers do not force you to board. JUST SAY NO.
 
— Holyberden Employee's Manual, section "Safety"

Wealth and the "fiscal curse"[edit]

In regards to wealth, there are two sets of Joneses. There is a rich set and a poor set. Each Jones member usually starts in the poor set, goes to the other, and dies back in the first set.

They always pass little to their next in line because of social upheaval that cost them it all. They made connections, power, and money in their lifetime, or they came into it thanks to a sibling. Ironically, they made it all and lost it all in their own lifetime every time, meaning that there was never any "old money" for the Joneses to get, contrary to popular opinion that they inherit wealth.

Since no documented Jones relative ever wasted their money, geneology asserts through bank statement records, and since they were all tightwads, it seems to be a "curse" of sorts on the family. All known rich Joneses lost their money because of a fiscal disaster, or their money just... vanished. If this trend continues, that means that the current generation of extant Joneses will die penniless as well.

The "family pact"[edit]

The Joneses are an extremely close family, long told that "blood was thicker than water". The work ethic of the Joneses is ofen times considerd fanatical. Each family member is indoctrinated from hatching to work their tail feathers off. When they hit the money, they begin to share it with their siblings and parents. These collective hand-ups are then used to further invest in more money individually, and so on.

This is the family pact they have together. Each sibling helps the other until all of them are successful. This is how Tammy became walthy through TurtleShroom, and TurtleShroom boosted his wealth from Tortuga, who in turn got money from Tammy and MobileShroom, and so on. Each funds the other and each funds themselves.

Notable Joneses of power[edit]

  • There was a Jones member in the 1980s that came to dominate all steel in Antarctica.
  • In the mid-1990s, it was a Jones family member that picked up all of the pieces of Danville Oil in what was then Colonial Antarctica.
  • TurtleShroom, in the course of a little over thirty years, amassed a mighty empire of companies, powers, censorship, and string-pulling that is so great in scope that no one can really figure out just how strong he is.
  • MobileShroom was appointed the leader in charge of restructuring the continental auto industry after the Snoss blew it.
  • TSGGG is the mayor of Mattress Village.
  • Shroo is a judge in the state appealate circuits of Eastshield.
  • TammyShroom and her siblings dictate what can and can not appear on television, what is bleeped and what is kept, and they maintain decency on the airwaves, like a communications commission of sorts. They are the moral gaurdians and creators of the watershed, and they do this with direct cooperation in the Governance, leading to rumors that the Joneses have relatives there too.
  • Common knowledge claims that the Inquisition is ruled by the Joneses, and is in cohorts with both the Mattress Village Board of Censors and with Holyberden.

Mattress Village[edit]

TurtleShroom's ancestors built Mattress Village. They were living in the area of the city before it came to be in 1951. When the town incorporated, the Joneses were present to draft the charter, and it is because of them that everything from soda to cactus juice is illegal in the city.

Even today, one of the olderst Jones relatives and a founder of Mattress Village still spends their golden years trying to ban "evil drinks" elsewhere.

Enemies[edit]

It is needless to say that a fanatical and powerful family as the Joneses have their share of enemies. Out of the occasional hater, detractor, and complainers stand three major threats to their lives.

  • Winky and Briana Beronews: Two evil sisters of Dan. One is a genius and the other is an idiot. Each of them see their family as superior to the Joneses, and they want to kill of the Joneses so that the ownership of Holyberden and other properties go to them and their kin. (Of course, the Joneses have already noted that the Antics Family would be the heirs if no heirs are produced. They will probably be in Winky and Briana's death watch as well if they get it all.)
  • Lawl: An ugly penguin that holds some form of fierce vendetta against the entire family, even though they never did anything to them. Apparently, he and the Joneses have some sort of otherwordly connection that only he is aware of, becuase Lawl is out "to avenge what THEY did to him".
  • The Bureau of Fiction: Although the Joneses are unaware of its existance (save TSGGG who keeps silent for good reasons and Ivan, who took it to his grave), they have nonetheless come into clash with the BOF. This is largely because the company is aware that a few too many of them possess Anonymity Necklaces and are immune to much of their control. As a fanatically superstitious and loudmouthed bunch, the Joneses have, in the past, spilt secrets from the Bureau. Two even got in! One, Ivan Jones, was killed deleted for his trespassing. The other, Baldurshroom, was so hurt by the revelation of things that his mind could not take, that his very physical form collapsed. TSGGG actually tried to destroy the BOF because he saw it as evil, but he was, at the last second, convinced by a heroic group of chicks that it was wrong to do it. He was stopped.
    • Oddly, though, the creature one would expect to hate them the most has conflicting feelings about the family. Director Benny, on one hand, loved Tortugadesetas for his offshore banking favors, even though Tortuga isn't fully aware he's using it. On the other, he despises TurtleShroom, Ivan, and TSGGG for accidently or purposely releasing data about the company. He deleted one, helped ruin the other, and antagonizes the third routinely.

Trivia[edit]

  • Since it uses a common surname, it has been referred to by a variety of nicknamed last names. The one at present that's used is Jones-TurtleShroom.
  • Professor Shroomsky and Melvin Turtleheimer are very close to these penguins and probably have power through them, as well.
  • Contrary to popular belief, no Jones member was ever born into wealth. They usually hatched poor and built themselves in their lifetimes, only to die penniless.

See also[edit]

This is really all most have to go on when it comes to TurtleShroom's mother's family.