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UNews is a tabloid group that publishes newspapers, a magazine, runs a few radio stations, and one television network. The Unews programmes are considered unreliable by most people and even deemed "unholy" by some. It has been banned in some mega-conservative areas, while it is popular in places like Polaris, Gemini, Freezeland, and most of the USA. The company is based in the area around the Unnderground Clubb Phengin Weekee.


Founding in 2005[edit]

In the early months of 2005, a mysterious, anonymous penguin known under no other name but as "Mister UNews", bought a small house in the middle of nowhere. He had intended to live in it, but as he was exploring the premises, he found, in the outhouse, a small printing-press. He then remembered that the person who sold him the house stated that the former owner was a recluse, and mysteriously had an abundance of books (out-of-copyright, obviously)/newspapers with freaky handmade covers, but nobody knew where they came from. Mister UNews realized that he must have been a self-publisher, and this was his vanity press. The next day, he woke with the wish to print his own media, too, and to begin with, he founded his newspaper: UNews - so-called because: "well, who knows what happens everyday? YOU do! So it's News...for U! So it's UNews!" The second-to-last sentence eventually became its slogan.

After creating the logo with the most standard font imaginable, he began racking his brains to think of which reporters he knew, when to begin publishing, how to look for news stories, and, most importantly, through which venue he could circulate it. Within a week, he realized that he could just make everything up. His reasoning was that since he lived in the countryside, nobody would ever know. So, after printing four large double-sided pages exclaiming that the next day all penguins would have to report to his address by three in the afternoon by order of law, he scattered the staple-bound pages into the air.

Unfortunately, almost nobody reported to his house. All the sensible penguins who found it knew that it was all nonsense, and simply stayed put. The few who came were paranoid, OCD-inflicted penguins, and they agreed to join his news source as his first journalists. He gave them a strange salary - he paid them with bars of soap, and, whenever he could afford it, policemen to look after their igloos. This came in handy later on, whenever penguins, furious about their fake-news, came to complain very loudly.

Open the Services (2006-2009[edit]

Present-Day (2010-present)[edit]


  • UNewsPaper - published every Tuesday, this tabloid circulates all throughout Antarctica. It claimes that it "publishes the truth" and promises to publish the stories the other newspapers won't tell.
  • UNMonthly - a tabloid magazine that circulates throughout the USA. Celebrity gossip and lies.
  • UNRadio - There are UNRadio stations in every state of the USA, two in Freezeland, and six in countries abroad.

Notable Headlines[edit]

  • Cadence Secretly Dating Rockhopper -UNMonthly
  • Rockhopper: Pirating Movies? - UNewsPaper
  • Snow Storm Below Ternville; Residents Falling Through Clouds -UNewsChannel
  • Uprising of Dorkuguese Almost Sparks Civil War - UNewsChannel
  • Sapie Brothers; Why Are They So Tall? And Why Do They Get Names So Confused? - UNMonthly
  • Richter Scale 7.2 Earthquake Hits Frostborough; Aid Needed -UNRadio
  • Mattress Village Threatens Polaris With War; Polaris Says War Is For Conservative Naughtzee -UNewsPaper
  • Is Man Myth? An Investigation Into The Human Race - UNRadio
  • Fallout: TurtleShroom and Cream Soda - UNMonthly
  • Liber Jones is Still Alive, Says Polaris - UNewsPaper
  • The Inquisition: Why It's Evil - UNRadio


There has been much fuss over UNews Group's credibility. UNews Group refuses to provide sources when confronted. This has lead to UNews being classified as "not a real news company". In fact, it is considered satirical in Freezeland and a tabloid in the USA.


  • Rumour has it that The Leader funds this company and a large piece of equity in it; it is uncomfirmed as of now.
  • The Penstubal Post is considered even worse, as their stories are presented as fact, usually with accusatory titles towards the intended target (e.g. "Chill wants to conquer Antarctica").

See Also[edit]