User blog:TurtleShroom/Snake's Codec: TurtleShroom
GENTLEMEN:
Have you ever heard of Metal Gear Solid's Snake? I know him from Super Smash Brothers' Brawl.
One of the funniest things about Snake is that he gets into these hilarious "Codec" discussions with various characters, most often, with this geeky kid named Otacon.
So, I set up a parody of him doing a Codec profile... on me. (This is an excuse to share more facts about myself.)
Here is what I came up with.
(AS SEEN IN SUPER SMASH BROTHERS BRAWL)
{Fade from black. We see Snake’s box outside a gate reading “CPFW”. TurtleShroom- in his human form -is in the distance. Cue discussion.}
SNAKE: Okay Ota, I’m outside of the gates of this… penguin thing. I’m going in to mess with it.
OTACON: Wait, what? Why?
SNAKE: I’m bored today.
OTACON: ………..okay. Why did you call me?
SNAKE: There’s some ugly kid in robes with a nose the size of Rhode Island.
OTACON: That’s [monotone voiceover: REAL NAME WITHHELD], Snake. In this business, he’s called “TurtleShroom”. –and despite what you think, he’s a threat in that penguin thing. The grap vine says he’s mentally a senior citizen trapped in a teenager’s body. He’s eighteen years old, and, it says here that he’s a hardcore, fundamentalist, religious zealo-
SNAKE: I’m going to cut you there, Otacon. I think I know what this kid is like. If he’s that old and edits some gay penguin site, I think I know his life.
OTACON: Snake, the last time you assumed an opponent was pathetic or weak, he shot you in one hit.
SNAKE: {ignoring Otacon} He lives in his parent’s house, he hates swearing, he’s never kissed a girl or dated, he writes really bad fan fiction, he wears glasses, and his main hobbies are computing and bossing others around. He doesn’t have a job.
OTACON: {adjusts glasses, reads sheet on TS} Uhh… most of that is actually… right.
SNAKE: I’m always right, Ota. When will you learn?
OTACON: {ignoring Snake’s arrogance} Well, he doesn’t wear glasses and he actually is employed. –but yeah, no dating, and yeah, most everything you said.
SNAKE: Heh. Never dated a girl. I have made out with many girls, and, of course, I’m still dating y-
OTACON: Snake, he thinks THAT is an abomination to nature.
SNAKE: That does not surprise me. Anything else?
OTACON: Yes. He’s a registered Republican and his main political inspirations come from his grandfather.
SNAKE: Of course. –and he’s autistic.
OTACON: He’s also au- …………..Snake?
SNAKE: Yes?
OTACON: How did you know?
SNAKE: Just because I can’t run a computer thingy doesn’t mean I don’t know Internet culture.
OTACON: It doesn’t? Snake, you stuck a knife in a floppy disk drive because it confused you too much. {NOTE: This video is not clean by G-rated standards, because it has three instances of mild swearing. It's two low-levels use of "Hell" and the D-word. However, this is about on the line as the classic Christmas flick, Elf, or far-upper PG movies.}
SNAKE: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT, OTACON. Tell me more about this Turtle guy. Like his real job, his hobbies. Something I can exploit.
OTACON: He works as a professional servant.
SNAKE: What? Servant?
OTACON: He does humble grunt work for a restaurant run by the state government in the name of job training and does not get paid.
SNAKE: Heh heh. Sucker.
OTACON: You’re really rude, Snake.
SNAKE: YES I AM.
OTACON: So, this kid’s actually extremely intelligent. He prefers to use very big words and has a grasp on his religion far beyond his years. He’s apparently very manipulative and a budding economist, though he hates math. His political views are well-developed and he tends to know what he talks about. His computer skills are not too shabby, in my opinion, and it says here that it will be his primary college path.
SNAKE: So he’s a computer nerd like you. Okay. Now, weaknesses. I need weaknesses.
OTACON: Ah, here’s one. He’s pure.
SNAKE: Didn’t we already talk about him and girls?
OTACON: No, I mean he’s incorruptible. A heart of gold, they say. He’s a straight-out, unmatched goody-goody two-shoes that, in most social things, is as innocent as a child. He’s gullible, naïve, and easily exploitable. It’s apparently something many autistics are.
SNAKE: I can totally work with that. Keep going.
OTACON: He does not engage in physical fights. He hates guns, weapons, and violent confrontations.
SNAKE: So he’s a wuss, then?
OTACON: Snake, his grandfather is armed to the teeth. He could hold his own against you.
SNAKE: His grandfather sounds all right.
OTACON: Also, he finds our discussions hilarious.
SNAKE: What?! How does he get our codices? They’re classified!
OTACON: I.. I accidently leaked some when I was re-organizing my desk.
SNAKE: ………………………………………………………………
OTACON: SO MORE ABOUT THE KID. He actually has some qualities you might like.
SNAKE: Oh really?
OTACON: Well, my information says he’s a strong supporter of gun rights and the right to keep and bare arms.
SNAKE: You just said he hates guns.
OTACON: He does. With a passion. -but remember: he’s also a Republican. He finds it abhorrent to stop those who love weapons from defending themselves.
SNAKE: That sounds good to me.
OTACON: He’s a huge fan of the military and soldiers in general. He thanks military men every time he sees them and enthusiastically supports nuclear weapons and the right of soldiers to do whatever they see fit to win a war.
SNAKE: Good. He’s not as unmanly as I thought.
OTACON: He also hates “My Little Pony”.
SNAKE: WHAT?! HOW- ………………
{awkward silence}
SNAKE: I mean, GOOD FOR HIM.
OTACON: Oh, and one last thing. Remember how I said he’s a threat?
SNAKE: Yeah…
OTACON: He doesn’t log on much, but he runs this site with an iron fist from his cell phone. The rest of the penguin kids are pretty much incapable of resisting or overturning his will without extreme force.
SNAKE: I bet he has a Justin Bieber ringtone.
OTACON: Snake. Listen, I’m serious here. He OWNS this place. The slightest illegal alteration to the penguin thing will pique his senses, and he’ll rain fire and brimstone on you faster than you can say “escape”.
SNAKE: I don’t fear him.
OTACON: Here, you should. He will whoop your butt sixteen ways to Sunday at blinding speeds. Perma-bans are his specialty.
SNAKE: Otacon. I don’t fear him. I don’t fear him.
OTACON: Wait, don’t do it! He’ll kill you!
{Snake cuts off the Codec.}
OTACON: Wait! Snake! …………Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
{Snake slips his box into the site. He takes out a marker and starts drawing something dirty, unseen on the video. TurtleShroom appears right in front of him and scares him, flipping his box upside down.}
TURTLESHROOM: Well well well, it’s a troll dressed as a Smash Brothers character.
SNAKE: ………?
{TurtleShroom smiles evilly and lifts up “Rod of Jesse”, ready to strike. Snake cocks an eyebrow at the display.}
SNAKE: What are you going to do, little man? Cane me to d-
{TS wallops Snake with the Deletion Rod, cut to credits. Stupid music plays.}
<math>Fin.</math>
