Penguin Origins: The Tidal Pool

This page is no longer in use. Read it while you can, some jerks tried to stop me.

Penguin Origins: The Tidal Pool is an eight chapter short story by Gravity Falls Fan as a theoretical explanation as to how the Sphenisciformes Spheniscidae came to be.

Chapter 1: Prologue

Antarctica had faced several mishaps. A storm had frostbitten the Antarctic and killed all it's inhabitants. But 2,580,000,000 BC, that all changed.

It was the quaternary period, when a comet landed. Several more came, and a full on nebula happened. As the shooting star fell, comets where sent flying towards Earth, fortunately, they all fell into the sea. Most were subatomic, in fact, and some carried life. Certain ones, we are focusing on, contain amoebas. These organism would eventually become penguins. Let's focus on that frosty meteoroid. After the meteorite fell in the mud, it destructed, revealing a cell. The organism had no sentience. But that would eventually change. The penguin cells were carnivorous, despite this, they did not evolve into behemoths, but into cute birds that could not fly. And these one celled critters could not fly, either. And they had no brain, too.

Now, back to da man, the organism! They are a little cute one, and oh my gosh did they just eat that cell!?!? Anyways, this ittybitty critter is eventually gonna grow, so let's pass by a few years.

Chapter 2: Multi-Cellar Critter

Well, after a few years, this guy has killed quite a few cells, amoeboids, and other life, grown to multi-cellar but still as beautiful, and look at those comely button eyes. Yes, those are the eyeballs of a creep. Turns out, they are also eating alga. Fair enough. They are omnivores. And the whole alga thing explains why Cowbrianol uses penguins as vacuum cleaners. Well, the multi-cellar organism is using both it's jawbones to murder and is filtering the alga. And despite their breathtaking looks, I just gotta say again, we are lucky these serial killers only eat fish. Because if they did not... good god... imagine the blood... Also, THERE IS ENOUGH BLOOD IN THE OCEAN TO FILL ANY LARGE BODY OF WATER!!!!! But hey, it is only a nonsentient species, and is only eating the blood and gore of other species for survival.

Chapter 3: Evolution Act: 1

Even more years later, there are more than one Pengy Cells (that is what I will call them), and they have also evolved to SUCK THE BLOOD out of other organisms. To think they puncture other critters and suck out their cytoplasm, yet they evolve to become penguins, rather than mosquitoes or vampires! But hey, I was not alive when this happened, so I can not change this. I am disappointed that they evolved a proboscis which they can only use to puncture amoeba and drink cytosol (fluid) and organelles, while their are literally thousands of bloodstained dark meat littered in the rock pool. As for the alga, it is quite frequent around this part, similar to saliva with pieces of vegetables. And of course, the Pengy Cells are eating that, too. Also, two of the Pengy Cells are mating. How X rated for a junior high biology film. Well, they are technically organism dancers and crapping an egg, so I suppose we can let the middle school kids see it.

Chapter 4: Exolution Act: 2

Well, it is official: these Pengy Cells are jerks. I mean, really, all they are doing when having play dates is literally SUCKING THE INSIDES out of the other children. And Pengy Cells are not the only organisms you are bullies: I just caught a Soon-To-Evolve-Into-Grendel amoeba EAT another critter. No joke. Oh well, this is the the tide pool, nobody has sentience around these parts. Anyways, these Pengy Cells are getting big as hell and less pellucidical. Well, while this Pengy Cell is on it's little "growth spurt", let's check out the other homies. There is a bacterium, getting chased by a Goldie organism. Oh god, it appears to be starting to prey on the bacterium. And it just ate her, blood spilling. So sad. And remember kiddos, that is why you need to be extremely fast and do not have a large amount of eye-like structures! And that Soon-Toby-Pookie just got eaten by a Chomper! And well, back to the main Pengy Cells. There are two and a half of them; one is a baby. And they also seem to have cleats next to their proboscis.

Chapter 5: Exolution Act: 3

Well, instead of feeding on green particles, now the Pengy Cells are eating large green plants, as well as Booster cells, and they also have evolved oak nut-shaped protrusions out of their butts, and this one big guy is challenging a Squirty. FIGHT, FIGHT FIGHT. Well, despite the fact that Squirty had ichor acids he could kill Pengy Cell with, PC triumphed. And another Pengy Cell is fighting a Teuthida, AND HAS WON. This is because PC punctured the Teuthida, a much huger multicelluar organism. Sigh. So much blood, gore, killing. You know what, let's focus on Pengy Cells not commiting ruthless murders. It is pretty dam exciting watching PCs eat seaweed you know. And having babies. The Pengy cells also appear to have odd bottle formations on their butts, too. SO MUCH EVOLUTIONISM.

Chapter 6: Dunun Dunun dunun dunun dunun DUNUN DUNUN

Ever heard of Finnish Penguins? Because these Pengy Cells have cillia, which are fins. They evolved these after killing pinkies and pumpkins, whcih ironically also have fins. How they did this is because Pinkies are stupid because they have no brain and are quite an example of an antonym of cunning. While eating green buds and seaweed, the Pengy Cells lashed right out and killed all five. As for the Pumpkins, they lashed back at the Pengy Cells, only to be fatally and traumatically penetrated by the Pengy Cells studs. So much violence.

Trivia

• The story follows the theory of panspermia, which states that life on Earth exists throughout the universe, distributed by meteors, planetoids, comets, small solar system bodies, and orbital vehicles in the form of forward contamination by microbes.

• This story contains toned down blood/gore, but it is all in the context of survival and biology.

• If you find this story scientifically inaccurate, bare in mind this was made for FUN AND CUTENESS, not for Cypress College to teach freshmen in science.